Dating a gamer

[losangelena]

Hey gang,

 

Thanks again for all the Valentine's Day advice. My BF did come through with reservations at a nice restaurant that I said I liked, as well as a boutique of beautiful flowers. Conversely, I gave him a nice gift and a card. I ended up spending the whole weekend at his place, which is the second time I've done that.

 

What's also happened twice now, is that on Sunday evenings, he stays up until about 3:00 in the morning (Monday morning) to play video games. I've known from the beginning that he games. It's not a huge deal, fundamentally, as I know it's fun and stress relief, etc, but as time goes on, and we're more comfortable with each other, I feel like I'm getting more of a true sense of exactly how much time he spends doing it.

 

I already know that I'm not interested in spending the night when he's going to be up so late. I'm a light sleeper, and even though he wears headphones, I hear him talking to other players, and that's with a fan on for white noise. I have to get up earlier for work than he does, and today I feel like a zombie at work from such little sleep. If he wants to lose sleep, that's fine, but I don't want to.

 

I have an interesting history with video games. When I was a pre-teen/early teenager (can't remember exactly how old), there was about a full year when my dad played the game Tetris obsessively. He'd play when he came home from work, after dinner, late at night, on the weekends, etc. At the time, it seemed like such a funny thing, but in hindsight, I think it was a symptom of my dad's emotional unavailability. He didn't let things like bills or things around the house slide, but he just wasn't ... there, ya know? He was distant and just not present.

 

So when I see my boyfriend lose sleep because of gaming, I definitely get anxious, and I start to wonder what else he's willing to neglect because of it. Is his tendency to procrastinate, on everything from smog check to making dinner reservations, because he just zones out on his PS2? Is that why he hasn't bought a couch even though he's lived in his place September? Is that why he's a crappy texter? I want him to have his hobby, but I don't want to play second fiddle to a gaming system. Also, yesterday evening we had talked about getting a late-night drink at our usual place, but we both decided we were a bit too bushed to go out again—but then he stays up for another four hours? So much for being tired!

 

I feel like I'm well within my rights to bring this issue up, but for now, as I've been counseled on this site before, I want to sort of sit back and just observe. I'm wondering if anyone else on here has had experience dating a gamer, and what that's been like, and what's the best way of communicating likes and dislikes about it.

 

Edited to add: I know he cares about me, that is not the issue I'm wondering here. I'm just wondering if I this is something we can reasonably compromise on, or if this is a deeper compatibility issue.

 

Thanks

Edited February 16, 2015 by losangelena

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Just tell him that its keeping you up at night and maybe he needs to be quieter or play at different hours when you're over.

 

 

Yes - video games can become obsessive, I used to be obsessed with them (now I hardly play them anymore).

 

 

Just be open with him and don't expect him to know its a big issue for you without discussing it.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Hey gang,

 

Thanks again for all the Valentine's Day advice. My BF did come through with reservations at a nice restaurant that I said I liked, as well as a boutique of beautiful flowers. Conversely, I gave him a nice gift and a card. I ended up spending the whole weekend at his place, which is the second time I've done that.

 

What's also happened twice now, is that on Sunday evenings, he stays up until about 3:00 in the morning (Monday morning) to play video games. I've known from the beginning that he games. It's not a huge deal, fundamentally, as I know it's fun and stress relief, etc, but as time goes on, and we're more comfortable with each other, I feel like I'm getting more of a true sense of exactly how much time he spends doing it.

 

I already know that I'm not interested in spending the night when he's going to be up so late. I'm a light sleeper, and even though he wears headphones, I hear him talking to other players, and that's with a fan on for white noise. I have to get up earlier for work than he does, and today I feel like a zombie at work from such little sleep. If he wants to lose sleep, that's fine, but I don't want to.

 

I have an interesting history with video games. When I was a pre-teen/early teenager (can't remember exactly how old), there was about a full year when my dad played the game Tetris obsessively. He'd play when he came home from work, after dinner, late at night, on the weekends, etc. At the time, it seemed like such a funny thing, but in hindsight, I think it was a symptom of my dad's emotional unavailability. He didn't let things like bills or things around the house slide, but he just wasn't ... there, ya know? He was distant and just not present.

 

So when I see my boyfriend lose sleep because of gaming, I definitely get anxious, and I start to wonder what else he's willing to neglect because of it. Is his tendency to procrastinate, on everything from smog check to making dinner reservations, because he just zones out on his PS2? Is that why he hasn't bought a couch even though he's lived in his place September? Is that why he's a crappy texter? I want him to have his hobby, but I don't want to play second fiddle to a gaming system. Also, yesterday evening we had talked about getting a late-night drink at our usual place, but we both decided we were a bit too bushed to go out again—but then he stays up for another four hours? So much for being tired!

 

I feel like I'm well within my rights to bring this issue up, but for now, as I've been counseled on this site before, I want to sort of sit back and just observe. I'm wondering if anyone else on here has had experience dating a gamer, and what that's been like, and what's the best way of communicating likes and dislikes about it.

 

Edited to add: I know he cares about me, that is not the issue I'm wondering here. I'm just wondering if I this is something we can reasonably compromise on, or if this is a deeper compatibility issue.

 

Thanks

 

Well, I've dated a gamer (who is now my ex-boyfriend) and was in a relationship with him for six years before I broke up with him last August. His gaming wasn't why I broke up with him; but that's another topic altogether.

 

I didn't mind my ex's gaming because I was/am a gamer myself. The only time I did mind was for the reason you stated - when you were trying to get some sleep to get up for work the next morning. There were a few times when he was between jobs and he would take special measures to "try" to make it as quiet for me as possible so I could fall asleep while he played on his xbox. However, even though he lowered the brightness on the flat screen, completely muted the volume of the game itself, he did wear headphones. And whenever a player pissed him off, did something in error during gameplay or whenever they did something that was funny to him, he would either yell at them, talk really loud or laugh loudly.

 

One night, he got pissy when I asked him to please STOP playing and turn the damn thing off so I could get some sleep. I had to wake up at 5:30am!! He turned it off but I could tell he had an attitude towards me. Oh well. But, when he started working again and it was HE that went to bed early and it was HE that had to wake up early, *I* had to be quiet - and he got pissy whenever I made any noise(s) that awoke him from his precious slumber. Good thing that he didn't make a habit of gaming on weeknights too often. I guess he finally understood how disruptive it was of him to game in our bedroom while I was trying to sleep. I told him he couldn't game in the livingroom (where the other tv was) because then his yelling and laughing would've woken up my two kids who were also trying to go to sleep because they had to wake up for school the next morning.

 

Are you a gamer? If not, then um...idk if things are going to work out between you and this guy. If you are a gamer, then maybe you two can compromise, like me and my ex did. I LOVE gaming (and so did/does he), so, I think our love for gaming was one of the things that made our relationship fun to be in. There were a few times when he managed to play very quietly (while he voiced on the headset) while I was able to fall to sleep. The measures that I saw him take on those nights to make sure it was quiet enough for me to sleep endeared me to him...and it let me know that he really cared about making his late night gaming as quiet for me as he possibly could. Thinking about it now, I do miss gaming with him. Although he could be somewhat bossy and condescending at times while we played games together, most of the time it was a lot of fun. I loved playing in a virtual world with him, whether we were sitting right next to each other or whether we were 800 miles apart (we had a LDR before he moved to the state I live in).

 

I think it was inconsiderate of him for him to tell you that he was "too tired" to go out for a few drinks with you at the bar but then he had no problem staying up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. Um, he didn't want to hang out with you - he was more interested in gaming (and talking to other people on the headset). It's a good idea for you to observe him a bit longer before arriving at a conclusion as to whether you should dump this guy or keep him around in your life. If he continuously shows you that he'd rather spend time on his gaming life than in spending time with YOU in real life; then you're either going to have to live with it (he's NOT going to change and will NEVER give up gaming! j/s) or you're going to have to dump him and look for a guy who isn't a hardcore gamer like your current bf is.

 

Good luck and let us know what you decide with regard to keeping him around or dumping him.

[losangelena]

I think it was inconsiderate of him for him to tell you that he was "too tired" to go out for a few drinks with you at the bar but then he had no problem staying up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. Um, he didn't want to hang out with you - he was more interested in gaming (and talking to other people on the headset). It's a good idea for you to observe him a bit longer before arriving at a conclusion as to whether you should dump this guy or keep him around in your life. If he continuously shows you that he'd rather spend time on his gaming life than in spending time with YOU in real life; then you're either going to have to live with it (he's NOT going to change and will NEVER give up gaming! j/s) or you're going to have to dump him and look for a guy who isn't a hardcore gamer like your current bf is.

 

To be fair, earlier in the evening we're like, "when should we go out?" And decided around 11:00. He stopped playing at 11:00 and came into the bedroom and asked if I still wanted to go. I was on the fence 50/50, and decided I was really too tired to go out. He said he felt the same way, and then said he wanted to play more. I get it—getting dressed again to go out, plus driving, etc. is different than sitting at home playing games. ALTHOUGH, I do think it would have been a bit more honest of him to say that he'd rather stay home and play PS2 than just saying he's too tired to go out—those are two different things.

 

I've noticed that any time I ask him about gaming, he gets a bit cagey, a bit embarrassed, like he knows that maybe I don't like it. When he finally came to bed, I got up and turned the a/c fan off because I'd turned it on constantly for the white noise. When I came back to bed, he said, "we can leave it on if you want; I know why it's on." I know he knows it's a potential issue.

 

Also, we'd spent the whole weekend together, and Sunday was the first evening all weekend he'd played. I don't feel as if ALL of his attention should be on me every moment I'm at his place. I sometimes have work to do, so I'm busy doing that, it's not a big deal.

 

Thanks for your reply! It's very helpful.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I think gaming is OK - in moderation.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I have never quite understood why people look at gaming like it is a problem by itself. My girlfriend stays up late watching Netflix, as do a lot of people I know, but you never hear anyone complaining about that. Plenty of people spend a lot of their time playing on the Internet, watching TV, watching movies, reading, doing crafts, whatever. Yet rarely do we see anyone making an issue out of those things.

 

As a gamer I have learned that once a girl starts to act like the fact that I enjoy video games might become an issue, I know it is time for me to cut my losses with her.

 

Yes, I agree with you about that. You sound like my ex, who was/is a hardcore gamer (but then, so am I). In your next relationship, you're going to have to find a girl who's as much of a hardcore gamer as you are; or at least one who will accept your fun hobby without making you feel guilty about it and without bitching to you about it.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

To be fair, earlier in the evening we're like, "when should we go out?" And decided around 11:00. He stopped playing at 11:00 and came into the bedroom and asked if I still wanted to go. I was on the fence 50/50, and decided I was really too tired to go out. He said he felt the same way, and then said he wanted to play more. I get it—getting dressed again to go out, plus driving, etc. is different than sitting at home playing games. ALTHOUGH, I do think it would have been a bit more honest of him to say that he'd rather stay home and play PS2 than just saying he's too tired to go out—those are two different things.

 

I've noticed that any time I ask him about gaming, he gets a bit cagey, a bit embarrassed, like he knows that maybe I don't like it. When he finally came to bed, I got up and turned the a/c fan off because I'd turned it on constantly for the white noise. When I came back to bed, he said, "we can leave it on if you want; I know why it's on." I know he knows it's a potential issue.

 

Also, we'd spent the whole weekend together, and Sunday was the first evening all weekend he'd played. I don't feel as if ALL of his attention should be on me every moment I'm at his place. I sometimes have work to do, so I'm busy doing that, it's not a big deal.

 

Thanks for your reply! It's very helpful.

 

See, that's why he should appreciate your maturity and your willingness to compromise. You realize that he shouldn't spend every breathing and waking moment with you when you're at his place; and that should take some (if not all) the pressure off of him whenever he gets the itch to play on the PS2 with knowing how you feel about it. You say it's really "not a big deal"...but, if it wasn't, you wouldn't have made this thread, would you?

 

So, it IS somewhat important to you regarding the time he spends gaming when you're around. When you said that, out of the whole weekend, he only gamed on Sunday, that actually gave me some hope for your bf. It's all just a matter of whether you're down to accept this part of him - warts and all. If you can deal with his gaming behavior down the road, and if he treats you with respect and truly loves you, then start enjoying your relationship with him and let the parts about his gaming that bothers you disappear like a vapor in the dark of the night.

[losangelena]

I have never quite understood why people look at gaming like it is a problem by itself. My girlfriend stays up late watching Netflix, as do a lot of people I know, but you never hear anyone complaining about that. Plenty of people spend a lot of their time playing on the Internet, watching TV, watching movies, reading, doing crafts, whatever. Yet rarely do we see anyone making an issue out of those things.

 

As a gamer I have learned that once a girl starts to act like the fact that I enjoy video games might become an issue, I know it is time for me to cut my losses with her.

 

I didn't say it was a problem in and of itself. My concern is whether or not my BF's gaming is an impediment to relational closeness. I never said it's true of all gamers, I'm just wondering about this one instance, especially given my family's history.

 

If my BF stayed up until 3:00 am watching Netflix or crafting, I'd be concerned, too, it's not simply because it's gaming.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I'm not even what most people would consider a "hardcore" gamer, I just like to play video games. There is just something about playing video games that puts many women on edge. They can stare at their Iphone all night playing on Facebook, but if I turn on my Playstation something is wrong. I've heard so many comments about gaming that I don't listen to it any longer.

 

Yeah, I don't understand why some women/guys are so against people who game. Maybe it's because they resent the attention that they're NOT given while their bf is playing (and interacting with other people). Like you said, it's really no different than when they spend HOURS on FB or Instagram, watching Netflix/Hulu or doing anything else that they LIKE doing.

 

I think it's going to be really hard for me to find a future bf who's into gaming as much as I am. I may not be considered a "hardcore" gamer - but um, I'm close to it lol. I *love* playing COD:Black Ops Zombies....and could play it for hours....and hours....and hours lol. It's doubtful that I'll ever find a guy who's into this game as much as I am and who will have the particular character traits that I'm looking for in a life partner.

[preraph]

Anyone doing a solo activity that much, it's an escape. Obviously it comes first, so I don't see how anyone with a brain could think a woman wants to come second to a game. And anyone with that much time on their hands ought to be using it to better themselves some way. It's just very childish and cutoff from reality and immature.

[smackie9]

Gaming is in the eye of the beholder. If you are not a gamer, you shouldn't really date a gamer because gaming is a part of life. He plays late because that is the only time when he can play. I do the same myself because at night I'm watching TV with my husband. Since he plays on a consol and can't use text chat, may I suggest you try using ear plugs. You can pick them up at any hardware store or safety supply. See if that helps.

[Buddhist]

if this is a deeper compatibility issue.

Thanks

 

Probably this. There are hobbies and there are addictions. Could just be harmless fun, hows the rest of his life? Is he moving forward at work, attentive to his health etc. These are the bigger questions I would be asking because if he doesn't seem to have many other interests in life and is letting other things slide then I would be reassessing my options.

 

But if he's got the rest in balance and this is just an convenience issue then its just something to have a chat about.

[smackie9]

I myself are guilty of 12 to 16 hour seshes of gaming, but it's not every day. I usually leave it for the weekends when the old man is working or doing his thing. I work around it. If I didn't have to work I would be playing more that's for sure.

[neowulf]

I think the key here is communication.

 

Being able to discuss your concerns and negotiate a situation that works for the both of you.

 

I used to say everyone's got vices. It's when they begin to interfere with general life that it becomes and issue.

 

Just talk with him about your concerns.

[writergal]

My best male friend is a gamer and his wife is a total book nerd who has zero interest in ever playing any video games. They have been married for 5 years and have 2 children. Does your boyfriend game in his bedroom or does he have a different room? My friend games in his study, which is on a separate floor of their house, so as not to wake up his wife. He also has not gamed as much now that he has 2 kids to take care of. But when they dated, he didn't game any less either. He just made sure it didn't interfere with their relationship and it never has to this day. He uses gaming as a filter to his life; when his brother died he gamed non-stop for a week. We had to check on him to make sure he was eating and sleeping. The only time he didn't game was on his honeymoon! haha! But other than that, it's a part of who my friend is, and he doesn't let it get in the way of his marriage or his friendships.

 

If his gaming bothers you, then you shouldn't date your boyfriend anymore. But if you can live with it, just ask him to be more considerate when you spend the night. As Buddhist said, there's a difference between addiction and hobby where gaming is concerned. Find out which one it is for your boyfriend and then make your decision about whether to continue seeing him or to break up. If your boyfriend prioritizes his gaming over his relationship with you, then the obvious solution is to dump him. But if he is considerate and makes you a priority and not an option, then you two need to figure out how to maneuver the relationship around his gaming habit / hobby.

[losangelena]

Probably this. There are hobbies and there are addictions. Could just be harmless fun, hows the rest of his life? Is he moving forward at work, attentive to his health etc. These are the bigger questions I would be asking because if he doesn't seem to have many other interests in life and is letting other things slide then I would be reassessing my options.

 

But if he's got the rest in balance and this is just an convenience issue then its just something to have a chat about.

 

He does well at work; he goes to the gym about five days a week and has gained about 25 lb. of muscle in the last year. So it's not like he's doing nothing with his time. He doesn't eat particularly well, but I try and sneak in some green things here and there. He does also like photography (a hobby we share) and bike riding, but I noticed him doing a lot less of either of those lately.

 

I guess, knowing my own propensity to spend a lot of time online (an avoidant behavior if there ever was one), remembering my dad's video game habit, being aware of my attraction toward emotionally unavailable men, and seeing his procrastination habits, it all makes me think that it's something of a relational impediment, and I'm dismayed by that. I'm also 99.9% sure that he would vehemently disagree that gaming can be an addiction or that he has a problem. Once, when leaving a restaurant, we walked past a clinic that specializes in treating internet addiction, and he scoffed at the idea, saying that one of the most successful YouTubers has a channel dedicated to game commentary. What was has to do with the other, I have no idea!

[preraph]

Denial. I went through a very bad experience with a game addict, who is my older sister. She was living in the fantasy world and holed up and stopped working and stopped paying her bills and nearly lost her house because of it. This is what it can become. At best, that many hours at it is just a huge waste of precious life on earth. And yes, I have played games in the past. So I know exactly how mindless and addictive they are.

[Erised]

I am not a gamer, really, though I casually play.

 

My most recent ex was a hard core gamer, and have dated several others.

It never bothered me. I have my own hobby that takes up 1-4 hours every day so I couldn't exactly hold his against him. We'd occasionally play together; he'd play while I was doing my hobby; I'd watch him play; I'd read while he played; whatever.

I like being together quietly doing different things, though. And time apart. I don't need constant interaction with a partner.

 

 

Have you tried earplugs if that's an issue? Seems like the sound issue should solvable easily enough.

 

I don't think gaming is something to be concerned about. It's just another hobby. I think holding people's hobbies against them as something to worry about as if one's life should be entirely defined by relationships is very problematic.

[smackie9]

Denial. I went through a very bad experience with a game addict, who is my older sister. She was living in the fantasy world and holed up and stopped working and stopped paying her bills and nearly lost her house because of it. This is what it can become. At best, that many hours at it is just a huge waste of precious life on earth. And yes, I have played games in the past. So I know exactly how mindless and addictive they are.

 

Actually addictiveness like that is from a personality disorder or mental illness (OCD, depression), not the game itself. It's no different than gambling, doing drugs, watch porn, shopping or drinking alcohol....there are a lot of people who can do any of these things but don't get addicted, end up homeless on the street, lose their job or destroy their relationships.

 

Your sister had issues there already that were lying in wait for something to trigger it. It was bound to happen sooner or later even without gaming.

[losangelena]

I don't necessarily think he's addicted. The friends he plays with tend to be on at that time. Plus, he can go long periods without playing. Maybe that's not an indication of anything, I don't know.

 

Again, it's not the fact that he plays that bothers me. We don't live together, so on nights he knows he's gonna play, I can just not stay there. My concern and questions are more along the lines of, is this the sign of someone who's emotionally unavailable for a relationship? He has so many other great qualities, that I hope against hope that it's a hobby and nothing more, but when he plays, I do get memories of when my dad played, and knowing how unavailable he was, and I get anxious that I'm still carrying on in my habit of being attracted to unavailable men.

[smackie9]

You are over reacting. Would it be any different if he was off playing in a band every weekend? or he painted oil paintings late into the night because it was his alone time?

 

Take it from an older gal.....learn to find other things to do when he wants to get some game time in.

[smackie9]

I he is capable of taking you out on dates, buy you flowers and have intelligent conversations with you.....then no he isn't emotionally unavailable. I believe guys will become emotionally unavailable because the relationship has run it's course and they are just too lazy or scared to end it so they just disconnect from you.

[Buddhist]

I guess, knowing my own propensity to spend a lot of time online (an avoidant behavior if there ever was one), remembering my dad's video game habit, being aware of my attraction toward emotionally unavailable men, and seeing his procrastination habits, it all makes me think that it's something of a relational impediment, and I'm dismayed by that.

 

That's the real cause of your concern then, how you view internet time. As long as his other aspects of life are in balance I don't see a huge problem. Everyone needs their me time, however they take it. Couples don't need to spend every spare moment together. Before the internet there were gentleman's clubs, poker nights, pubs, sweat lodges etc. It's not a new phenomena that men want some time either alone or only in the company of other men.

 

If he starts not going to work, giving up the gym, necglecting photography and living entirely on the computer then you can worry.

[preraph]

Actually addictiveness like that is from a personality disorder or mental illness (OCD, depression), not the game itself. It's no different than gambling, doing drugs, watch porn, shopping or drinking alcohol....there are a lot of people who can do any of these things but don't get addicted, end up homeless on the street, lose their job or destroy their relationships.

 

Your sister had issues there already that were lying in wait for something to trigger it. It was bound to happen sooner or later even without gaming.

 

It's like any other addiction. Yes, you have to be that type of person who becomes addicted to begin with, just like alcoholics and drug addicts. Other people can do things in moderation or even in excess and then quit. It's all about escaping and anesthetizing so you don't have to feel anything real. In addition, gaming gives you a completely false sense of empowerment, which makes it more addicting in many ways than substances alone. Anything done to excess amounts to the same thing. It's addiction, plain and simple. Like any other. All gamers who put gaming above the real things in their life are addicts. They let it disrupt their relationships, as it has done here, and sometimes work and everything else.

[Nikki Sahagin]

The way I see it is that every person needs a hobby. There are many worse hobbies a man could have compared to gaming; he could consider strip clubs or excessive porn or poker his hobby. I play video games although not all that often - I find them fun. My bf loves his games and sometimes plays more than other times. He has been known to play late into the AM sometimes but he puts his earphones on so as not to wake me or bother me. If I say that the game is keeping me up etc he always turns it off.

 

However any hobby that becomes obsessive can be detrimental to a relationship. For example if you make time to see each other and you're just sitting there whilst he plays a game rather than compromising on an activity that you both enjoy, if your bf doesn't wash/tidy/work/commit to other responsibilities it's also an issue. A game can be a hobby or an occassional escape but it can also become a way of avoiding reality and real life obligations in the same way that TV and the internet can.

 

I think you should check what about it bothers you, although you mention this in your post:

 

1) Your dad used video games to check out emotionally

2) You find it hard to sleep/relax if your bf plays late

3) You are worried your bfs excessive gaming could be a red flag

 

Well I think you should just talk to him. Explain about your father and see if you and your bf can reach some compromise. I think it's natural in a healthy relationship to want to compromise. You want each other to be happy. I know that if I told my bf something was bothering me, we would talk about it and try to reach a resolution.

 

It's not unreasonable for your bf to play video games, but if you feel it has an impact on you, you are well within your rights to voice it.

 

It could be an incompatibility between you; for instance if you are more active and he more passive, or you're more outdoorsy and he likes to play games; these things can take a toll on a relationship.

 

Best thing to do is talk to him.