lanceanderson Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Hello everyone, I'm posting here because im 4 months post breakup from a turbulent relationship which left me mentally scarred. I would like some freindly advice and hopes of encuragement while I struggle through this depressing mess. Im 28 (m) and my ex is 22 (f). We were together for a 2 years. During that time we had the most unstable and intense relationship. The relationship started rocky from the getgo. After just two months I broke it off with her because she told me she found her coworker attractive and told me how rich and muscular he was and that same night I caught her flirting with him through snapchat. she sent him a picture (I didnt see what it was) and he replied "awe you look cute". Having been cheated on in the past I decided she was too young and immature and saw it as a red flag. I told her to leave that night and that we were over and to never contact me again. That same night I proceeded to get drunk with my friends and had a small party and hooked up with a random girl, I guess my ego was wounded and needed a boost. A couple days passed and she texts me and tells me she wants to give it another shot. This is where I should have said no, but I tell her I hooked up with someone and if she can get past that, that I would be willing to try but I understand if she cant. She initially was angry but said she could work through it. Well little did I know that over the next two years she would use this incident to monitor my every move. She checked my phone every day after work, she even had a gps app to track my location. We moved in together very fast. After a couple more months we got a house together (rental) and that was the end of my social life. She hated my friends and said they were a bad infuence and didnt trust me aroUnd them. In fact she made it very clear she had no trust for me whatsoever. Over the course of the next 6 months I would recieve texts 24/7 non stop incessive contact and we had to be together every minute of every day that I wasnt working. At this point I literally had no friends but I was almost ok with it because I was soo into her. She would tell me she wants to get married and have kids in the very near future. I was always put off by this and always told her that things needed to get better between us, especially the trust issues. But she had such a good way of making me feel guilty and almost shamefull. She was gorgous by the way, and im also a pretty decent looking guy, but I now realize that its only skin deep. Fast forward a couple months and the first breakup happened. Out of the blue she tells me she wants a break For the weekend, this came out of nowhere considering I treated her like a princess, spending thousands on purses and jewelry and fancy vacations and anything to make her happy. The guilt hook was set deep. I told her I dont understand but if thats what she wants then ill give her space. That same night my friends call me and tell me they saw her walking downtown with her ex bf, there was a festival at the time. I called her and confronted her and she didnt even deny it. In fact she was rather cold and distant. I told her I understood why she wanted a break and that I felt betrayed and that I was done, she simply replied "ok" kind of in a laughing and demeaning way. The next day I put all her stuff outside and had her come get it. A week passed and my friends tell me that shes been hanging out with him and going on the lake with him on his boat. I feel like utter crap for a week untill she unexpectedly pops by. She tells me it was a misunderstanding and that she was just with a group of friends and that is why she was around him, because her social circle mixes with his. I believe all this crap and let her back into my life. Not even a week later I found out that she had him over during her sisters grad party after she implicitly told me that it was only a family thing. After that I was done, however she told me she didnt even invite him and that she would kill herself if I left her again and she latched onto my leg and begged and pleaded. Over the next year and a half, fights like these became the norm. She woukd disrespect me somehow, or do something soo wrong and I woukd break up with her and we woukd get back together. in the meantime though we spent every minute together and continued to take trips out of town and have good times that seem to make up for it. The breaking point was 4 months ago when I told her that I felt smothered and wanted a social life and wanted to see my friends for once. She obviously threw a fit and said that I just wanted to cheat on her with other girls. I told her I have been faithful and never gave her a reason to doubt me. Heck she even saw my phone whenever she wanted. I wasnt even allowed to text girls that where friends. I was sick of not being able to do anything that I wanted. When I would get home from work she woukd yell at me for not kissing her right away, but she would never make the first move. We could only watch what she wanted and I had to literally be by her side even at home. If we were watching tv I couodnt even be on the computer because she would see that as disrespect. I literally wasnt allowed to have any free or alone time till she fell asleep. I would be the only one to take the puppy out because she said she did it while I worked. She slept with her back to me and sex was non existent, but that was partially my fault because I resented her soo much. Well after she denied me going out with my friends I told her I was done. Three days later she has a new bf that i obviously suspect she had been talking to for sometime And I feel used. She will not give me closure. I texted her to tell her I just wanted to say our goodbyes and she called me pathetic. I understand shes a toxic person and quite possibly bpd or npd, and its a good thing I got out. But the fact that I never got closure and she was able to move on soo fast as if everyhting I did for her and the last 2 yrs ment nothing. Its killing me. One day she wants to marry and the next shes happily involved again with somwone else, without even time for mourning. I sacrificed soo much and got nothing in return. Ive benn NC for a little over two months, and it is getting easier. Im starting to build my social circle up again and going to the gym, but she's in my head when I wake up and go to slepp. Ive written down a list of things shes done to me that were disrespectful and its gotten to over 100 tthings. I look at it when I feel like I miss her. But the ruminating thoughts and depression are unescapaple anymore. I feel like im spiraling. I keep trying to understand what happened. Im good looking, I make great money and girls genreally take an interest to me. Im not short tempred and im very compassioante and understanding, but I just feel rejected, shameful and diScarded. After doing much reading I realize maybe I have some codependency issues and thats why I attreattracted this type of person. But understanding what went wrong still isnt helping. I'll go through phasea where I think that maybe it wasnt all that bad and that I overreacting and messed somehting up and then the guilt and shame pops up again. Any words of encuragement are greatly appreciated.
Ralph79 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 If you have suspicion that she was a BPD or worse, that you have a co-dependency problem, I suggest you read this articles and others in this webpage. They are very enlightening and helpful by providing a deeper understanding of what we're going through. AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline. I think this woman would have been a long term disaster for you. You are on the right track and you're having difficulties overcoming things because of how dependent on her she tried to make you. She's a drug and you are overcoming it. Stay strong. Read the article and if you can relate to that, there are a lot of people knowledgeable in these subjects on these forums that can further assist.
marimari Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Okay, you will need more time, and be easy with yourself. Go on with your activities, go to the gym, hang out with friends, and you will feel much better as the time goes by. It is normal how you feel, break up includes a whole rollercoaster of emotions. And I know you think you need closure, I also didn't have any closure and it was killing me, but now I don't want that. I just want to go on with my life as best as I can. If she called you pathetic, that's the all closure you need, cause that person doesn't respect you neither your feelings. Hang in there
gnick Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Next relationship you have never allow a women to dictate what you can and Can't do as long as it's reasonable. Some are worse than others but women test you to see what they can get away with. If you don't stand up for yourself they will push it a little further each time. Things like telling you who you can hang out with what friends are acceptable and what you watch on tv when you're home. in a good relationship both party's give and take.if you want to lose a woman's attraction the best way to do it is by trying to appease her.
Author lanceanderson Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Ralph, I have read Shari's site front to back. In fact, that's how I came to believe that she might be bpd, from her abusive childhood (faster abandoned her, mother druggie) to her own grandmother telling me that she had abandonment issues during one of our many fights. To the push pull tactics, to the fact that every time things were going well she would have to do something to create some kind of drama. she had very few friends which she said she hated and there was always some kind of drama going on in her life.she truly was toxic but she made me feel guilty all the time that's how she has so much control over me she used to tell me that I could never do better and that I'm lucky she puts up with me.its really scary how much of the stuff on sheries site resonated with me including why I would be attracted to that sort of individual because of my upbringing. my only issue now is how to deal with these feelings of guilt shamefulness depression and feeling like I lost my identity because I was enmeshed in the relationship.before her I had a strong identity I was proud of myself for my accomplishments and I had a great social circle and never really cared about a relationship. Now, I just feel lost my self esteem has plummeted and my confidence is non-existent. Mind you I work in sales so you could see how this can be an issue. I have been doing much better compared to just a couple of months ago but I keep finding myself ruminating and swinging through phases of feeling free back to feeling guilt and that maybe I made a mistake.
Itspointless Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 You did nothing to deserve her treatment that is for sure. But it does sound like you were willing to sacrifice everything for her. That is not good either. Stay away from her, now it feels awful but life can only get better. In the meantime I do advice you to investigate what attracted you to her. There are many great books out there, and therapy is I think the best thing someone can do for himself. Also check out Downtown his posts. Good luck buddy.
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 You are never going to get closure from her. The other person can't give you closure. They never have the words or the explanation. There are no magic words which will suddenly make her actions clear & release you from all the hurt & pain you are experiencing. The good news is though by writing all this down you have now been able to identify the problems. Knowing what to look for in your future relationships will help you going forward. Anybody who tried to separate you from all your friends is a bad SO. The minute GPS trackers & constant texts are required, there is no trust & therefore no relationship. This relationship was dead a long time before you pulled the trigger to officially end it. 2
Author lanceanderson Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Yea I agree the relationship was dead from the start. It was just one long fight. I'm willing to accept I was used and quite possibly a 2yr long rebound from her ex, but it doesn't help that I can't shake it out of my head. It's constantly there. I just don't understand why I'm depressed. The breakup was my decision but yet I miss the companionship if that makes any sense.
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I just don't understand why I'm depressed. The breakup was my decision but yet I miss the companionship if that makes any sense. that's why you are upset -- you miss the companionship. Even though it was your logical decision to end this, you will still miss the woman you wanted her to be.
questionsforthenouns Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Dude, feeling depressed after this is expected. I mean look at the way you talk about the relationship; it was one long struggle. And the struggle is over, but you cared about her so now you are hurting. Don't beat yourself up about it. This girl is way way way immature and has a tremendous amount of issues. You deserve a lot better. Fight through the pain, and know that everything is going to be okay. Best of luck bro
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