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I don't get this at all.


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Posted

This guy I've been seeing just make me nuts.

He initiates most of the times, we already had sex and everything, but something more's going on and I don't really know how to handle this.

I told him I'm scared of relationships, and so does he, so sometimes I just don't reply to his messages when I sense he's becoming too close to me. So I ignore.

For Valentines, he just didn't contact me at all, nor did I, its OK, we are not exclusive, whatever.

However, yesterday I texted him "I miss you. so much it hurts".

He replied instantly he misses me too.

This is exaclty how it went:

 

me: I shouldn't have said that but you were in my mind

him: if you don't say it, I will

me: say it, say it!

him: I miss you, irresolute, so much it hurts!

me: I'm melting right now

him: lol, you're melting? then you run away, I know you

 

And that was all. What's going on with this guy? Is he playing with me? I don't understand how to handle this.

We had a date planned for Saturday but I had to confirm him, I'm scared he'll cancel or something if I confirm.

 

should I just wait to see if he contacts me again during the week? I already told him that I missed him...right??

Posted

You admit you ignore his texts at times. And you wonder if he is playing with you? Did I read that right?

  • Like 10
  • Author
Posted

Yes, why. I'm insecure about all this and he doesn't give me any clue whatsoever.

Posted

Uhh sounds like he's pretty insecure with you.

 

Afraid to express it because you'll run away?

Yea.

  • Author
Posted
Uhh sounds like he's pretty insecure with you.

 

Afraid to express it because you'll run away?

Yea.

 

I was thinking that too...if he were really interested, he'll fight for me to stay, right?

Posted

You already said you miss him. I would let him contact this time That might make him wonder what you meant and see if he wishes that you meant that you were falling for him. But first, talk to yourself. What do you want from this relationship? Because at this point theres a 50 percent chance it could be taken to either direction, because he does seems to be confused as well.

Posted

Perhaps you should stop trying to sabotage yourself and let the relationship develop normally?

  • Like 8
Posted
I was thinking that too...if he were really interested, he'll fight for me to stay, right?

 

No. It's not someone else's job to deal with your residual baggage and insecurity. No matter how much I liked a dude, I wouldn't stick around if he was playing emotional unavailability games like this.

  • Like 7
  • Author
Posted

I don't know what he wants, he's not very upfront either. He told me he has feelings for me and then asked me if I don't like him to have those feelings.

 

I think he might be scared I'll run away if he starts to chase me. I told him I run away from other guy before. Or he might be using my fears to not putting enough interest...

Posted

If you think he's getting too close you ignore his messages and then you text that you miss him so much it hurts?? :eek: I just think he knows what you're all about, if he gets closer you'll ignore him, so why would he want to do that??

Posted
This guy I've been seeing just make me nuts.

He initiates most of the times, we already had sex and everything, but something more's going on and I don't really know how to handle this.

I told him I'm scared of relationships, and so does he, so sometimes I just don't reply to his messages when I sense he's becoming too close to me. So I ignore.

For Valentines, he just didn't contact me at all, nor did I, its OK, we are not exclusive, whatever.

However, yesterday I texted him "I miss you. so much it hurts".

He replied instantly he misses me too.

This is exaclty how it went:

 

me: I shouldn't have said that but you were in my mind

him: if you don't say it, I will

me: say it, say it!

him: I miss you, irresolute, so much it hurts!

me: I'm melting right now

him: lol, you're melting? then you run away, I know you

 

And that was all. What's going on with this guy? Is he playing with me? I don't understand how to handle this.

We had a date planned for Saturday but I had to confirm him, I'm scared he'll cancel or something if I confirm.

 

should I just wait to see if he contacts me again during the week? I already told him that I missed him...right??

 

This guy is smart and is sharp. I mean c'mon...he KNOWS damn well that you're scared of him getting "too close" to you and that you're "scared" of entering into a relationship - hence, his response that said, "...then you RUN AWAY, I KNOW you..."

 

How do you expect him to react to you when you told him that you "miss him" and that you're "melting"??:confused: He's very CONFUSED with what you've texted him and he can sense that you don't want him to get "too close"; but yet, you text him that you "miss him" and that you're "melting" over him...

 

If anything, he probably thinks you're the one who's playing games, and um, that's just not cool. You'll need to make up your mind: Do you WANT him to get closer to you - or do you want him to keep you at arm's length? Make your mind up soon (if you really like this guy) - if you don't, he just might cut his losses and spend his time on another girl who DOES want him to get closer to her and who DOES want to enter into a relationship.

 

You seem to have some baggage (we ALL do) from a prior relationship. Why is it that you don't want him (or any guy) to get "too close" to you? Why don't you want to be in a relationship if it's with someone that you truly like and who treats you with love and respect? Until you work this out within yourself, you probably shouldn't be dating - unless of course, you only want a FWB type of situation.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

I think the bigger question here is what's going on with you? I don't see a lot of hesitation or avoidance from him, can't say the same for you. Budding relationships can only take so much pulling away in a cat and mouse game before the other person gives up and walks away.

 

So do you want this guy or not? If yes then text him, say so and jump right in without playing silly push/pull games. If not then stop stringing him along. It's not a guys job to fight for you and rescue you from yourself. You're either available to a real relationship or you're not. If you're not then you've got some inner work to do rather than projecting all your stuff onto other people.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 2
Posted

Sorry Op but you sound exhausting.

I understand that you're insecure, but you're playing games - he texts you then you ignore, and you actually told him how you run when guys have chased you and now you're complaining that he seems to pull back.

 

Fine then you send him a text saying you miss him and then say something along the lines of 'I shouldn't have said that'

 

And that whole bit about 'shouldn't he fight for you to stay'..ugh! really?

 

You seem full of games, and a person that is looking for a real relationship isn't likely to invest much time in that bull****.

  • Like 10
Posted

He's not playing you, but he's well aware that you keep giving verbal warnings that you run when things get relationship-y. Honestly, you need to STFU about your insecurities and enjoy your time together and if it runs its course, it runs it, but as long as you're qualifying everthing and keeping him on the defensive by making him uber-aware you're not staying, it's not going anywhere. Shut up, enjoy your time with him, stop talking about your issues and try to just have fun while it lasts. If it fizzles, then you can go back to overthinking it on your own.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

I'll say it again -- you're in no position to date. History repeats itself over and over again.

 

I mean what emotionally available and healthy person dates and tells the other they're afraid of relationships? Then don't date! How do you date when you're afraid? All you'll do is sabotage every opportunity that comes along.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 6
  • Author
Posted

You all make me look like a bitch that plays him when she wants. He's also stated he is not looking for a relationship yet he affirmed: if I could only find someone like you...

He's also giving me mixed signals.

Posted

Dysfunction will always attract dysfunction. That's all this is.

  • Like 4
Posted

You said that you missed him, so let him do the rest. :)

  • Author
Posted

Ok. I'm not finding any encouragement for this "relationship" here. I don't think I'll contact him again and given the circumstances (him fearing I'll run away any minute) don't think he'll pursue this either.

Posted
Ok. I'm not finding any encouragement for this "relationship" here. I don't think I'll contact him again and given the circumstances (him fearing I'll run away any minute) don't think he'll pursue this either.

 

So you're just writing this thread knowing that most normal people are going to react like we did - and now you can use it as an excuse not to talk to this guy and confirm that he wont play your game and indulge you in your mixed message bull****.

 

So have you accomplished your mission?

Do you feel justified now?

 

OP, why can't you just have a normal relationship with this guy? Ya know, with mutual affection and attention and no one has to decipher mixed signals or chase or run?

 

I don't know your back story, but it seems to me that you're doing these things to sabotage your relationship. If you like this guy then get to know him and give him a chance to get to know you - games free.

 

Who knows what great things you could be missing out on by expecting him to jump through hoops.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted

What do you want me to do?? Contact him again saying that I still miss him or what??? You want me to ask him if we're still on for this weekend??? What on earth you want me to do now?

Wait for him to contact me again??? I don't think he will. I don't even know if he likes me or not!

Posted

Are you separated from your husband?

  • Author
Posted
Are you separated from your husband?

 

I am. It's been more than a year

Posted

I have to agree with some of the other posters. You sound like you should not be dating seriously. Perhaps, you should just keep this light and fun while you work on your issues. It is not fair to someone who would otherwise want to take things further with you, but can't because you have unresolved issues.

Posted

May I ask the obvious? Why are you sleeping with a guy that you aren't exclusive with, are worried he might cancel a date with you, and who plays games with you? I realize this is the 21st century and all, but that type of behavior just sets you up to be an f buddy. It's cool if that's what you want, but I don't think you want that.

  • Like 2
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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