Back to LS after break up a few days ago

[Ruby65]

It really does sound like you're doing all the right things to recover.... all I can add is that you also need to give yourself enough time, and that it could be several more months before you're feeling more like yourself.

 

For now, it's normal to be obsessed with thoughts of her. It takes time for that to fade -- acceptance is a gradual process.

 

What does your therapist say about the relationship and the possibility of a reconciliation?

[jus d'orange]

Hi Ruby

 

Thanks. I think you're right... I'm doing all of the right things but it will take a long time before my brain will get tired of these endless loops and questions.

 

My therapist hasn't said a lot about it. She has asked if I wanted to talk to my ex, and I said while I had the urge to ask loads of questions of course, I realised that I probably wouldn't get any of the answers I wanted, nor would it suddenly "make sense" or anything like that. I also realised that we never decided that we wouldn't talk, or communicated about what our communication should be from now on.

 

I admitted that I wondered if she would feel differently if she came back in a few months and was back indefinitely. While things got very emotional when we almost broke up in December, I think she's noticed me getting healthier mentally and emotionally over the last couple months, and I really kept it together when we broke up. So her last memories of me definitely aren't going to be hateful or undignified. I've basically told my therapist that, while I know it's sort of stupid and naive to think about, I do take some motivation from being strong on my own, that I can handle life without her and even improve myself, including getting seriously fit again, and imagining her seeing that in a few months when she gets back. My therapist has said that it's not possible for her to speculate on my ex's motivations and reasons for holding out on the relationship, since my therapist doesn't know her the way I do, of course. My therapist did say that I should keep doing what I'm doing in terms of trying to come to terms with it all and keep trying to do the things I love.

 

While my ex often had a foot out the door, I think a lot of it was commitment issues; she was always worried that I was more committed than she was perhaps, and the pressure probably kept her from being able to allow herself to fall in love and commit? I'm not ignoring what she said, because I know she said that she doesn't love me and didn't want the relationship anymore -- that is why I'm not contacting her, because I want to respect her wishes. At the same time, she found me attractive, respected me, cared about me, even right up until the end of the relationship. So I'm left thinking that maybe it was a combination of commitment issues and being unsure about the future and the distance that stopped her from feeling in love?

 

I know it's not necessarily healthy to think through and analyse these things so much, but I find it impossible to train my thoughts and emotions to take the breakup at face value, even if that's what my actions are.

 

I know too, that eventually my motivations to improve myself will become more and more because I want to, and less because I'm thinking about impressing her. There's a part of me too that knows if I can improve myself and get over her, then that's the best chance for a reconciliation if she's ever back here for an indefinite period.

 

Am I just being a total idiot thinking like this? I know I'm also just being impatient...

[jus d'orange]

So I know I'm mostly writing to myself here, but I do find it cathartic and maybe somebody will read this and be helped by it.

 

I feel like I'm handling the breakup well -- I didn't beg or break down when we broke up, although I do feel bad that I didn't really say goodbye and somewhat in anger hung up the phone. It sucks to know that I treated her that way the last time we talked, but I'm sure she understood that I was hurting at the moment. I know she was, because she was in tears and said she just wanted to go to bed. Since then, we haven't communicated in any form and I haven't done any snooping. I do hope she's doing well.

 

Anyway, my big mental and emotional battle outside of the pain of rejection and the loss of the relationship has been the fact that she said so often during the relationship that she wasn't looking for a relationship, that she didn't love me, but that we somehow had a really supportive and caring relationship for over a year. Simply put, when I was with her, I felt like she did love me, and her caring for me during tough times was something I couldn't imagine somebody doing if they didn't love me.

 

But as I've thought about the relationship more, distance was always looming against the commitment. Shortly after we got together, she was going away for two months, and that was the first time that she said she didn't want the relationship to keep going. However, she knew that the 2 months would end and obviously did like me enough to sustain things through that time. I also went and visited her so that it broke up the time apart.

 

Shortly after she came back from that, she learned that she would be away for most of a year. For quite a while, she said that she didn't want to stay together when she went away for all that time, but before she left, we had become really close and I think she felt that she wanted the relationship to continue -- perhaps she was feeling love at that point, but was too scared to say it.

 

Anyway, the distance over the next couple months strained that and we almost broke up shortly before christmas, when I was due to visit her. I was able to convince her to stay together so we could honour the commitment of seeing one another then, and seeing if she felt love after seeing me again. The visit went really well; it wasn't perfect, but we clearly cared deeply and enjoyed each other's company. Again, when I was with her, it felt like she loved me and cared about me deeply.

 

A month after the visit ended though, she calls me and says that her feelings haven't changed, that she doesn't love me, that the distance is too stressful, and that because she might not come back to where I live at all, it can't go on.

 

I have struggled so much with the fact that she often said she wanted out of the relationship the whole way through, that she didn't love me, etc. but then showed me a really wonderful, deeply caring side that made me feel as if I was loved. For the last couple weeks, I felt like it was holding me back from forgiving her and healing, because I just felt angry and wronged. But now, I am starting to understand that because distance was always looming, it affected her ability to fall in love and to buy into the commitment. As the relationship was coming to an end in the last few weeks, when we did have time to talk it was obvious that she thought very highly of me and was attracted to me, but the distance to her meant that she didn't feel my presence, whereas I am somebody that can keep my partner in my mind and heart for long periods of time even without seeing them. Without my presence, without actually spending time together, and with no guarantee that this would end soon, her feelings of love and commitment were totally killed off.

 

I guess I've been coming to the conclusion that it was the circumstances that affected her feelings, and not that she just simply didn't love me for who I am. I still hear her saying "I don't love you" and it hurts, but I know that it's better to trust somebody's actions than somebody's words, and although she never said she loved me, I know she did want to be with me and cared about me very deeply, and when the distance wasn't there and she wasn't afraid of the commitment over distance, she showed those feelings. I wasn't wrong to think they were there, because they were; she was just afraid to admit them and tried to suppress them because it would hurt her to be torn away from somebody she loved (something that had somewhat happened in her past).

 

And obviously the circumstances being that she may never come back to the city I live in, at least not on any kind of longterm basis, means that we couldn't continue the relationship, because she couldn't feel love over distance like that, not after it had hurt her so much before.

 

I am still hurting every day over the loss of my best friend and somebody with whom I was truly very compatible. I miss her terribly and I miss even more being able to share my life with her. I do admit that I think about her possibly still returning to the city I live in and being able to reconnect when that happens, but it is a complete unknown and I am trying to move on. I guess I'll just have to wait until the pain ends and the love and longing melt away. In the meantime, I'll stick around LS and try to be supportive to others and maybe others can do the same for me.

[jus d'orange]

As always, any words of advice or help are greatly appreciated. I'm just trying to find my way through this at the moment.

[Ruby65]

I wish I knew some magic words to take away that pain!

 

But you know the drill.... it's really about time. There's no way you're going to feel that much radically better in the next few weeks, the trick is to just get through them as best you can. Which you seem to be doing!

 

I guess the thing to hold on to here is that while you might have to come to accept the loss of this relationship with this person.... that dream relationship you have in mind, of having someone wonderful in your life to share things with always, isn't going anywhere. You won't have that with her, but you WILL have that with someone else -- and someone who's much much better!

 

How do I know she'll be better? Because your ex wasn't ever fully in the game with you. She had one foot out the door from the start -- so imagine how much better it's going to be to have someone who isn't treating you that way?

 

When I was much younger, I was always attracted to guys who were unavailable or rejecting in some way.... never really *feeling it* for the nice guys who were crazy about me and ready to commit. But now I LOVE those nice guys... and run from the unattainable ones.... precisely because of what you're going through right now: the heartbreak of loving someone who's not emotionally available.

 

This breakup can be a great move forward for you. Your next relationship can be SO MUCH BETTER because now you know to honor those red flags and never trust your precious heart to someone who's just not that into you!

 

You deserve so much better.... and that's exactly what you're going to have, and much sooner than you think.

[jus d'orange]

Thanks for writing back Ruby.

 

It's been a terrible couple of days. Probably the worst since the breakup two weeks ago.

 

I've been really really sad, and also angry again. I'd been working so hard on focussing my thoughts after it was over, on trying to forgive her, but my head just keeps running through the same thoughts. I can't shut them out, and when I actually try to deal with the thoughts, it's like my head finds another way to keep the feelings of sadness and pain going.

 

Today I felt jealous that her ex boyfriend from a few years ago, who never really seemed to like her or treat her that well, had her heart completely even when they were far away from one another and even when he rejected her. It just makes me angry, at her, at myself, at the guy who I don't know even the slightest bit, and at the unfairness of it. I think about what I offered her in terms of love and commitment and growth and care, and that she just didn't find it in herself over months to commit real feelings of love to me.

 

And I just feel alone a lot, because I am far away from my friends and family, and the whole time that I've been so far away, she was the closest person in my life.

 

And I can't help but wonder why she didn't still want me in her life. I knew that I was very close to her as well, and that she cared about me. That that didn't add up to love for her just hurts anew every day. I've been waking up at the exact same early morning time every day and I struggle to get back to sleep because I keep thinking of how she is gone.

 

I'm trying to do everything right and make it through this -- I even had some days that felt like clarity and moving on were happening -- but some of these days are just so awful.

Edited February 27, 2015 by jus d'orange

[jus d'orange]

Hey everyone,

 

Just a little update.

 

The last couple days have been so much better. Over the weekend it was really starting to get to be too much. I'd had so much in the way of struggles emotionally and mentally over the last year and being back in a place where waking up every day was a painful experience was getting to be a bit unbearable. Fortunately that ended a couple days ago, and although I'm still sad and miss her, I feel like I'm starting to move on and enjoy my life again.

 

I guess all the thinking I did in the first couple weeks after the breakup about the relationship wasn't invalid, it's just that it really didn't stick with me most of the time. I was still so hurt by her being gone that I kept hashing over the same couple things again and again.

 

I came to the conclusion, which was important for me somehow, that even though it's over, it didn't mean that I meant nothing to her. I had to reconcile that even days before we broke up she was saying and doing things that made me feel like she did care and want the relationship, which is why I felt a bit shocked when it was over suddenly. In the end, there was always distance in the relationship or even the threat of it, and after a bad experience in her life not too long before with love over distance, I can see why there was always a part of her that was pulling away from the relationship. She stayed not out of selfishness, but because she liked me so much that she went against her best judgment and ended up in a long-term relationship and eventually long-distance relationship with somebody when she was telling herself she shouldn't be. I guess that seems silly, but it's important for me to know that she did care. I think if we hadn't been so far apart and if it were definite that she would be coming back to the city I live in, the relationship would've had a better chance. Without the distance, she might even have fallen in love, but I guess that I can never know. Anyway, I've managed to move toward forgiving her for the pain and understand the breakup and why it had to happen, which has been a super important step.

 

I'm happy to know that I didn't embarrass myself during the breakup and went full NC right afterward, which was 3 weeks ago. I know that that means if she and I ever end up in the same place again, it gives us a chance to reacquaint (friends or romantically) without there being a super awful aftertaste from the end of the relationship. At the moment though, I'm continuing to try to live every day the way want I want to and find good outlets for the pain. I feel like I'll actually get over this now and be able to love again eventually, and hopefully find somebody that will be around for a while and be in a place to love me in return. At the moment, I still think of her in that role and we had enough compatibility that were she to be in the same city as me again and interested, I would consider it, but I would want to first be over her completely.

 

Thanks everybody for your support so far. I'll stick around LS and keep helping out others; hopefully I won't need to post myself so much as I move on. For my second breakup of a longterm relationship, this one really caught me by surprise with how much I've struggled and I'm still learning a lot.

[jus d'orange]

I guess I'm writing here because I feel I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start annoying my really supportive family and friends with the fact that I'm still hurting. I'm annoyed with myself at this point too.

 

It's been 4 weeks basically at this very moment. I've been completely NC the whole time. I was just on a short holiday the past couple days and I was having a hard time while I was away at points, and then tonight after work I was crying as I walked along the street. I've been trying to continue all of the good things I could since the breakup: working out, making plans, being social, going to therapy, keeping busy but also giving myself time. And still I'm hurting really badly and when I'm being honest with myself, I still love her so much and just want her back.

 

The last time I had a breakup, it was about a month before it stopped following me around like this. But that relationship was multiple times longer. I just can't seem to give up on this, even as I'm doing everything I can to focus on myself. Sometimes I'm able to calm myself for periods of time, but it wears off.

 

I just want to get back to being able to enjoy my life and not be angry at her for me feeling like this. I wish I could forget her entirely, because I am still very in love with her and I know the hopes I have of her returning to my life are futile.

 

Yeah, I'm just really hurting and feeling isolated and needed somewhere to write.

[Itspointless]

Four weeks is almost nothing, it seems to me you loved this girl more than the other ex. Yes people around get tired at a certain point, it makes this site a great escape. People around you want to help and feel a bit impotent I guess, somehow people often want to be the one who saved you.

[Ruby65]

Yeah -- I can remember my last breakup, it was a few months before I was even just sleeping through the night. Longer still before I was anything close to recovered.

 

At one month, I'd say you've been through the absolute rock-bottom worst of it, but I wouldn't expect an instant cure at this point. I know I usually feel I've turned a corner after about three months, but everyone's different.

 

Have patience, remember that it takes as long as it takes.

 

Like pointless says above, your friends and family want to help and probably get frustrated they can't magically fix you, that's why sites like this are so valuable -- you get contact with people who are either going through the same thing or have been through it recently and understand.

 

A breakup from someone you loved is grieving a loss, similar to grieving a death. There are stages of recovery most people go through to reach acceptance, and that takes time.

 

Don't worry, you'll get there!

[jus d'orange]

Thanks guys.

 

I guess I wouldn't say I was more in love with this girl, but that I felt this could've been a really good relationship. I felt really close and compatible with her, but she pushed me away anyway. I also think that, unlike the last breakup I had, I fell in love with this girl much more organically. There was no period of infatuation and whatnot, but instead I fell in love because of the time we spent together.

 

Yeah it's just hard to be sad while I feel everything else in my life is going great. It makes me feel unappreciative. I also just feel sad when I want her back, because I know it's not possible and I know that, despite there being the factor of distance, even if we did end up in the same place she would reject me anyway. It's hard to see all the life and good stuff around me and feel cut off from it because I'm hurting from this.

[HBK3317]

By God trust me when I tell you this... It felt as if you entered my mind and wrote this post, I am going through the exact same thing. EXACT. The way your relationship was, the way you felt about her, the way she made you feel, everything is the same.

 

Brother I feel you, I feel you as if I were you. There's nothing worse than loving someone who simply doesn't understand what love means.

 

Well being in the exact same boat as you I don't have much advise to offer but I can tell you what others have been telling me, time will heal this, us.

 

Don't take it the wrong way but it kind of is relieving that someone else is in the same weird place I am in... Keep strong bro, we will fight it out together.

[jus d'orange]

So I haven't been posting as much over the last little while, but not because I've really been doing better. Today was good, and at points I almost felt fine. However, a day earlier this week was literally the rawest I've felt emotionally at any point since the breakup. I've come to realise that taking these things really badly and moving on slowly is a part of who I am, and that sobbing in bed 5 weeks after a breakup is apparently part of that process.

 

Anyway, I just had a long chat with my best friend, who also happens to live in the same city where my ex currently is. They've hung out a few times because I introduced them shortly before we broke up, so that he could make friends in his new city. He said that after they've hung out each time, shortly before he leaves, she makes a pretty awkward point of asking how I'm doing. Now I know that's probably because she feels intensely guilty without it necessarily meaning anything more. But apparently it's still likely that she'll be coming back to the city I'm in, and probably in the next two months. I can't help but think about it, not least because it could be hurtful, and also because I have a lot of her stuff and we'll have to deal with that.

 

During the breakup, while she did say that her feelings of not loving me hadn't changed, she also listed the fact that she found the distance to be too much pressure, that she wasn't sure if we'd end up back in the same place again -- I don't think these things would matter if she really just didn't want the relationship. I think in many ways she didn't really know what she wanted.

 

I've been telling myself that I shouldn't want her anymore, but of course that's had no effect on my heart, although at least the aching desire to see her again has been weaker in the last couple days. I've been telling myself that a reconciliation basically never happens, and the only way it could happen was if she came back to where I live indefinitely, and came to me on her own volition and said that she made a mistake. And even then, it would be tough. We'd have to deal with the fact that a breakup is a pretty traumatic event, and that we'd have been apart and not speaking for months.

 

Still, I'm thinking it over and over. Can I stop? I guess I have a hard time seeing this girl as not being right for me, because unlike previous exes where I could really see the flaws in the compatibility, here it was like I kept working despite her doubts because I felt so sure about her otherwise. And I think that's still keeping me from moving on.

 

Any help or advice?

[jus d'orange]

I guess I'll try asking in a short way. Sorry, I tend to be longwinded.

 

I'm having a hard time moving past wanting her back in my life. She might come back permanently or temporarily to the city where I live in a couple months.

 

She's been asking my friend how I'm doing. We never said we wouldn't talk, and with how uncertain she seemed to be a lot of the time, I'm not even sure that she really wanted me out of her life forever, although I guess the silence on her end could very well mean that. I'll definitely see her either way when she comes back, because I have lots of her stuff and furniture here. It's not combined owned, it's just hers, so I'd either need to pay her or give it to her.

 

As I think back on the breakup, she did say that she didn't love me and that that feeling hadn't changed, but instead of leaving it there, she went on to list a bunch of distance things: feeling pressure about coming back to see me, worrying that we wouldn't ever end up in the same place again. If she really didn't feel any love for me, I think she wouldn't have worried about the distance.

 

The distance was always scary to her and was always part of the relationship even when we were in the same place because it was looming in the future, and I still suspect it was the biggest factor in her not falling in love with me.

 

These thoughts, along with how compatible and in love I felt with her, are keeping me from moving on. I keep telling myself to act as if there's no chance, and if she came back and decided to try again, then I'd be in a better place, but that's tough to do when my mind is stuck like this.

 

Does anybody have any help or advice? Am I crazy for wanting her back anyway? It wasn't a perfect relationship but it wasn't toxic. The roughest part for me always was that she didn't love me and struggled to commit, and I think that was always intimately tied to fear of distance. I wish I could talk to her about it, and I'm thinking I probably will if I see her in a few months' time.

 

How am I still going over this in my head?!?