Back to LS after break up a few days ago

[jus d'orange]

Hey everybody,

 

My girlfriend of a little over a year called me the other night to break things off. Since I found LS a good place to figure things out and help other people 3 years ago when I last had a breakup, I thought I'd post here and see if it could help.

 

I'll keep it as short as possible!

 

We met through friends, hit it off fairly well, and the first time we hung out just the two of us it turned sexual. In the end, we found out we were really compatible, with good senses of humour, we engaged well intellectually, enjoyed the sex a lot, etc.

 

At the time we met however, she was still suffering a little bit from a boyfriend she'd had in the past where they ended up far apart and he made her feel terrible by telling her that he never really liked her that much.

 

After we'd been seeing one another for a few weeks, she told me that she didn't really want a relationship, but we kept having one anyway. Then she was gone for a couple months, although I did manage to visit her. Before she left, she had told me she didn't want to keep seeing me while she was away, but we did stay together while she was gone. This is the first time that we had any fights, but because we both were places where we didn't know a lot of other people, we were also just spending lots of time talking.

 

During the couple months that she was away, lots of stuff in the rest of my life improved -- getting my finances sorted, making friends, making good career advancement, etc. All sorts of stuff, along with getting into a relationship with somebody who I liked more and more, that should've made me happy. Instead, I fell into a depression for a couple months, which also stressed the relationship naturally. I am still not entirely sure why that happened to me. She was incredibly supportive during a lot of this, I do have to say, telling me that I would get through it, that I needed to get counselling, etc.

 

She did come back to the city I live in, and we were able to spend time together again, but because of my depression and anxiety I think I had a tendency to be somewhat clingy. I admitted as much, and she and I would argue about how much was too much in terms of spending time together, etc. At the same time, she knew that I had told my family about her, but she didn't tell hers about me. After this stress continued and I had told her that I loved her, she said that she didn't, she didn't think she would, and that we shouldn't see one another any more. However, we continued seeing one another and agreed to find a better balance. This seemed to work and the relationship settled into something more stable. I was pretty aware nevertheless that she hadn't said if she loved me or not.

 

Due to work commitments, she ended up being very far away starting in the autumn. Before she left, I had asked her if she wanted to stay together and she said yes. For a while things seemed good, even at long distance. We did end up having fights about how much we talked, which were pretty silly and blew out of proportion a few times. We settled that down and we had plans to see each other around the holidays. During the fall however, I was suffering from a lot of anxiety about work and I used to talk to her about it a lot. I knew it stressed her to see me struggle and a couple months ago she called me to say that it was too stressful, that she didn't love me, and didn't want to be together any more. I was able to convince her that because she had gotten used to seeing me at much less than my healthy best, she hadn't had the chance to fall in love. After a few days of giving her some space, she decided we would see one another again and then we'd talk about it.

 

Over the holidays we did see one another, and although there were times where we didn't get along perfectly, I thought we spent some great quality time together being happy. As I had felt many times throughout the relationship, she seemed to really enjoy being around me, was usually very affectionate (although sometimes noticeably not), etc.

 

When the visit over the holidays was over, I was extremely busy with work for the following couple weeks. We didn't text much but we did skype once or twice a week. She was supportive during this, and after all that we'd talked about being independent of one another and focussing on ourselves, especially when we were apart, I thought things were great. We had been able to spend real quality time together over the holidays, both of us were feeling mentally and emotionally pretty healthy, and now we were focussed on our own work and keeping in touch a couple times a week. It was exactly what we'd talked about as being a good balance and ideal. So she basically waited until the big amount of work I had to do was over and although I thought she was maybe wanting to talk to join with me in being celebratory that I'd finished all of this work, she instead called and said "well we never did talk more about if my feelings changed and they haven't. I don't love you and I don't want to do this anymore, and I don't think it's fair to you either to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you." It wasn't really a conversation though, and it didn't seem there was anything I could do or say any more. She admitted how well we worked together in many ways, but she seemed to think that the feeling of love she expected was something out of her control. I tried to explain how I saw love as these interactions we had and not as some cupid-like magic feeling, but she didn't see it that way. She also explained that it's not definite that she would end up back in the same city as me, and that that was stressful and she didn't want to have that stress. I kept my dignity together but when there was nothing more to say, I just ended the conversation. We didn't say goodbye, though.

 

Because of how hard of a time I've had emotionally over the past year, and because of how supportive and helpful she had been many times, I really had opened up to this girl. She had also been through some tough times and I felt that I had always been there for her as well. We had fights and disagreements but overall we had lots of great compatibility. I guess I'm really struggling with the fact that I love her and that she doesn't love me, despite all of the mutual experiences we've had that I would've thought suggested otherwise.

 

Today I've felt angry, both with her and myself. I felt like, even though I'd asked directly in person not to be in a relationship with me where I fell in love and she kept that part of herself hidden, that's what she did. All along, she would say that she didn't want a relationship but we would keep having one, and naturally it kept growing closer. I want to credit her for doing the right thing at this point and trying to end it to be "fair" to me, but I feel that that was something she should've done long ago. I don't understand how and why she would show what I thought was loving behaviour, but then not feel any love toward me. I'm angry at myself for not doing something about this when, after a month of seeing one another, she would still say she didn't want a relationship; at that point, I should've said "okay, you don't want one so we're not going to see one another."

 

As far as what I'm doing, I'm just trying to keep going. I have a good year planned ahead with lots of travelling, positive professional commitments, etc. I've already been seeking therapy over the past year, which has brought me a lot of success, but this feels like a huge setback. I have committed myself to not contacting her, and I imagine that she will also not get in touch with me, but somehow without a goodbye or even the real statement that it was our last conversation, it seems so difficult to just forget about someone with whom I was so close and where, just a week ago, we were having normal conversations. What do I do if she emails me or calls me? Should I just completely ignore it?

 

I feel like I'm in a much better place than the last breakup I had, but I'm finding it very difficult and I miss her a lot, and I just wanted to put this out there for any advice and encouragement. Thanks.

[jus d'orange]

Anyone have any advice? I'm sticking with NC and have been trying to keep going with stuff, but I'm feeling really really terrible a lot of the time. I'm trying to focus on good things I have coming up, and to make a daily to do list for myself, but I'm just having to spend the afternoons in bed and I can't really hold it together other times.

[PearTree]

Anyone have any advice? I'm sticking with NC and have been trying to keep going with stuff' date=' but I'm feeling really really terrible a lot of the time. I'm trying to focus on good things I have coming up, and to make a daily to do list for myself, but I'm just having to spend the afternoons in bed and I can't really hold it together other times.[/quote']

Write a list of all the bad things about her, then write a list of all the things you want to achieve in the next 6 months. Then go out and do them!

 

If you are really struggling, try asking your doctor for advice or signing up for counselling?

[jus d'orange]

Write a list of all the bad things about her, then write a list of all the things you want to achieve in the next 6 months. Then go out and do them!

 

If you are really struggling, try asking your doctor for advice or signing up for counselling?

 

Yeah, I've already gone to counselling and I'll keep going.

 

I struggle with writing a list of things I don't like about her. I liked an awful lot about her. Sure, she had flaws, but they weren't things that made me want her out of my life. The thing I disliked most about her was that she didn't love me, but that we kept having a relationship anyway, and that if she had been more self-aware, maybe she could've done something about that earlier. I don't know.

[PearTree]

Yeah, I've already gone to counselling and I'll keep going.

 

I struggle with writing a list of things I don't like about her. I liked an awful lot about her. Sure, she had flaws, but they weren't things that made me want her out of my life. The thing I disliked most about her was that she didn't love me, but that we kept having a relationship anyway, and that if she had been more self-aware, maybe she could've done something about that earlier. I don't know.

Perhaps not a list of things you don't like about her then, but a list of things about her that mean the relationship cannot work. Her not loving you is a big one!

 

Then when you read through your list, realise that loads of girls exist out there who do not have these qualities that she has. There are loads of girls out there who are much more compatible with you.

 

It sounds harsh, but she is not the only romantic partner in the world and she is not the only friend in the world.

[jus d'orange]

Perhaps not a list of things you don't like about her then, but a list of things about her that mean the relationship cannot work. Her not loving you is a big one!

 

Then when you read through your list, realise that loads of girls exist out there who do not have these qualities that she has. There are loads of girls out there who are much more compatible with you.

 

It sounds harsh, but she is not the only romantic partner in the world and she is not the only friend in the world.

 

Thanks, no it's not harsh, that definitely helps.

 

I guess besides from all of the pain I feel from normally missing her and feeling loss (thinking of happy memories, things I like about her, etc.), I am also just so incredibly hurt by the fact that it seemed like everything was generally good EXCEPT for the fact that she said she didn't love me. She did so many things that seemed loving, she was very caring, we had chemistry... all sorts of things that made me feel like she loved me. Trying to reconcile all of that is making it very difficult for me.

[Chi townD]

Well, the distance and your busy work schedule didn't help your relationship. Plus, if you read back through what you wrote. To me, it seems like she always had one foot out the door. You started out as a rebound and there were several instance where she tried to back away or end things. THEN, she finally told you that she doesn't love you. That should have been the nail in the coffin of this relationship. I have a feeling that she was never as dedicated to this relationship as you were. And when a girl tells you that she doesn't love you, believe them. They don't usually joke about the "L" word.

 

 

Time to let go. There are plenty of girls out there that would love to go for a night out on the town. Plenty of girls that want to go out on a date with a nice guy and see where it goes from there. This girl, she told you that she doesn't want that with you. That she doesn't love you and she doesn't want to continue the relationship. Now, I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I'm telling you this so you'll stop wasting your time. And time wasted away from some pretty girl that WANTS to be in your company.

 

 

Time to let go and move on. If she's making a mistake; well, that's a mistake that she'll have to live with because you don't have to.

[Itspointless]

I want to credit her for doing the right thing at this point and trying to end it to be "fair" to me' date=' but I feel that that was something she should've done long ago. I don't understand how and why she would show what I thought was loving behaviour, but then not feel any love toward me. I'm angry at myself for not doing something about this when, after a month of seeing one another, she would still say she didn't want a relationship; at that point, I should've said "okay, you don't want one so we're not going to see one another."[/quote']

No need to credit her. I agree with you she should have ended it a long time ago. I am sorry to say that. I guess and that is the sad and hard part of it, she apparently found you convenient. It seems you were all the time balancing to please her that doesn't sound right. I guess she is one of those girls who cannot be alone.

 

I understand that you miss her but choose for yourself, she did!

[jus d'orange]

Well, the distance and your busy work schedule didn't help your relationship. Plus, if you read back through what you wrote. To me, it seems like she always had one foot out the door. You started out as a rebound and there were several instance where she tried to back away or end things. THEN, she finally told you that she doesn't love you. That should have been the nail in the coffin of this relationship. I have a feeling that she was never as dedicated to this relationship as you were. And when a girl tells you that she doesn't love you, believe them. They don't usually joke about the "L" word.

 

 

Time to let go. There are plenty of girls out there that would love to go for a night out on the town. Plenty of girls that want to go out on a date with a nice guy and see where it goes from there. This girl, she told you that she doesn't want that with you. That she doesn't love you and she doesn't want to continue the relationship. Now, I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I'm telling you this so you'll stop wasting your time. And time wasted away from some pretty girl that WANTS to be in your company.

 

 

Time to let go and move on. If she's making a mistake; well, that's a mistake that she'll have to live with because you don't have to.

 

I know you're right; that should've been the nail in the coffin but we kept having a relationship and I kept believing it could work. I am also really angry at myself for not making her stick to it early on when she said "I don't really want a relationship," but to be honest I really liked her and I kept pursuing it because it kept going, and then there was the brief spell in there where she told me "yes I want this to keep going."

 

And about meeting other people, I've never been very good at that but I'll have to think about that later anyway.

[PearTree]

Thanks, no it's not harsh, that definitely helps.

 

I guess besides from all of the pain I feel from normally missing her and feeling loss (thinking of happy memories, things I like about her, etc.), I am also just so incredibly hurt by the fact that it seemed like everything was generally good EXCEPT for the fact that she said she didn't love me. She did so many things that seemed loving, she was very caring, we had chemistry... all sorts of things that made me feel like she loved me. Trying to reconcile all of that is making it very difficult for me.

She was behaving in a loving way without having loving feelings - that's very misleading and deceptive. Add that to your list!

[jus d'orange]

She was behaving in a loving way without having loving feelings - that's very misleading and deceptive. Add that to your list!

 

I have, thanks.

 

There's a part of me that feels terrible doing this, though. I do love her and it's in my nature to be charitable and forgiving.

[PearTree]

I have, thanks.

 

There's a part of me that feels terrible doing this, though. I do love her and it's in my nature to be charitable and forgiving.

 

Have you ever had someone who really liked you but you didn't like them back in that way? Nothing in the world could convince you to love them even though there was nothing at all wrong with them? That is how she feels about you.

 

You've not doing this to be mean - she's never going to see your list after all. You're doing this to help yourself.

[jus d'orange]

Have you ever had someone who really liked you but you didn't like them back in that way? Nothing in the world could convince you to love them even though there was nothing at all wrong with them? That is how she feels about you.

 

You've not doing this to be mean - she's never going to see your list after all. You're doing this to help yourself.

 

I think that's part of the problem. I just don't understand that. I wouldn't be able to spend all of the time together that we did and get as close as we did with someone whom I didn't love. It hurts and is confusing.

 

Okay, I see your point, but I still struggle to do it because it's not like me to think of what I don't like about somebody so concretely.

[jus d'orange]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for your help so far. The first couple days after the breakup I really couldn't hold my head up and I was a total wreck. I feel a bit more human today and that's already a big step I think. Some of the rationale I've been giving myself about the end of the relationship and about what I need to do is working, but I still feel uneasy, hurt, and sad.

 

There's a possibility she might come back to the city I'm in in a few months. I have quite a bit of her stuff here that I'm sure she'll want back, and if it isn't in a few months, I'd have to do something eventually down the road.

 

I also don't know if she'll try to contact me at some point. She has friends where she is but certainly nobody as close as we were, and nobody that she's really close with.

 

I've spent enough time around these boards to know that were we to reconcile, she'd have to be back where I am, we'd both have to have healed from the breakup and be willing to look at things again and deal with the problems that we had, but I know that the fact she didn't love me the first time around means I might as well forget it. Still, I struggle with that so much because I can think of so many times where she did seem so loving and caring.

 

Also, I know that it's not fair to look at myself this way, but I've had a few relationships and I always seem to be the one who's more committed, who is still in love when it's over, and I thought this time it was different. I've also had the problem where I want a relationship with somebody and they sort of keep me around but don't let it develop into a full relationship. I thought it was different this time too. She seemed like she wanted to spend time with me, even when she said she wasn't sure about having a relationship. She seemed excited about it. We kept in touch over distance and she would open up to me about a lot.

 

I guess I'm afraid there's something about me that makes me susceptible to being unloved like this. And that doubt along with the pain of her rejection and the uneasiness thinking about her moving on already is a bit too much at the moment.

[jus d'orange]

Anybody have some thoughts that could help?

 

I went out to meet a friend last night, after getting in a workout. I was feeling a lot better about myself, but I just felt worse and worse and just spent a long time in bed feeling really low and rejected.

 

He and I spent some time talking about it and he said that I needed to follow my feelings that I was wronged, that she played me to a certain degree, and that we weren't right for one another because of that.

 

I'm still struggling with it because I knew she could be so loving, I knew that she had been in love in the past, and I judge and blame myself for not being somebody that she fell in love with. And it hurts because of all the time we spent together where I became more and more invested while she didn't.

 

Today's been a huge drag so far, and I'm having an awful time getting myself out of it.

[jphcbpa]

Would it help to make a list of the times her words and actions did not match up?

[jus d'orange]

Thanks, that's a good idea. I've been writing unsent notes to her in my phone in which I've tried to explain why I've felt so hurt and why I'm angry, but I think being more concrete with what was unfair and wrong about her actions will help me a bit too.

[jphcbpa]

Thanks' date=' that's a good idea. I've been writing unsent notes to her in my phone in which I've tried to explain why I've felt so hurt and why I'm angry, but I think being more concrete with what was unfair and wrong about her actions will help me a bit too.[/quote']

 

Would you be willing to share them on this forum??

 

Also recommend putting this on paper. There is something about handwriting it out and seeing it in black and white. Also you can do a ceremony with the letters or tuck them away to look at another time. You can burn them or even mail them to a friend to read or mail them to yourself.

[tiararose]

Hi.

I understand how youre feeling and hoping that you are doing okay at the moment.

 

Its never easy to just throw away all those stuffs when its been with you fr years. I have been a relationship with my ex for two years. We enjoyed all the little things we had gone through and somewht he dumped me saying that he doesnt love me, that he had move on.

I loved him and somehow it doesnt work out like the way i thought. It drives me crazy though and it feels awkward that something is missing.

I contacted him, visited his fb page when i missed him and stuffs. It wasnt easy to forget what people makes you feel. Its never going to be easy. I still missed him though and I broke the promise i made to myself to not contact him recently, and it was stupid but i cant help it.

 

And after a while, when i came to think about it, its just plain stupid that you chose to chase people have thrown you away, wasted and not appreciating your sacrifices that you made for them. I live in the town where he works by. And when I visited the places that we used to have dinner etc, i still think about him, i still think and imagine how i would react when i saw him? But part of me saying that i should just let it go. Just live your life, that i have a long way to go and so do you. I dont regret the moment where i contact him recently that because of that I can think rationally. Im glad that we broke up because if it wasnt because of that, i wouldnt have the chance to travel, to read more books, watch good movies which of those things are the things I love to do. I wouldnt have the chance to become more mature in thinking and giving advices, i wouldnt spend much time with my family and lots of other stuffs. I have read somewhere, that sometimes its not the person that you miss, its the memories you have with them. I guess thats the reason i contact him. And its better to take that "stupid clingy contact my ex who doesnt care about me" as my life experiences.

 

It wouldnt be good to stick on this. Its not easy i know. But please know that there is a reason why something happened. Maybe you won't see it now. But you will,, like I did now. Im starting to see things clearly now, really. I dont want other people to repeat the same mistake i did before. i will meet someone better soon and so do you. Iam not the best person to give advices since i know nothing much and still recovering and trying to be positive. But i hope these stuff ive said helps you in any way. I know you are strong. All you need positivity, time to heal and forget. Start do the things you love!

 

Xx

Edited February 19, 2015 by tiararose

[jus d'orange]

Thanks everybody for your responses and help.

 

I've been so angry at her tonight. I'll try to find some time after work tomorrow to write some things down here or something.

 

It just feels so unfair sometimes. I know there are infinitely unfairer ends to relationships and more painful and toxic situations, but I find it hard to maintain perspective and it really eats at me. I've been through this before and I know it'll soften over time but I just can't believe it at moments.

 

Even through all the anger, I know it's because I miss her and I'm so sad.

[jus d'orange]

Yeah I'm still just really torn up and angry inside today. I don't want to whine, but I just don't feel strong against this.

 

When things started, it seemed like she was pursuing me. At first I wasn't sure about it, wasn't sure I liked her that much, but then I got more into it. After that, it seemed like the whole relationship, she was always backing away from me, saying we needed to spend less time together, keep things better in balance... that when she was away for a stretch, that she didn't want to continue things while she was gone. Right from the getgo she was saying she didn't want a relationship. But we kept having one, and she had to be a willing participant in that.

 

And yet she was there for me when I was depressed, and I was there for her when she struggled with her work, when she was feeling so down about a job rejection. We took on deep, caring roles, but there was a part of her that didn't seem to actually want that. She took the sort of care of me that I thought only somebody who loved me could, but she never loved me. And that hurts really badly and I feel like she played me. Even if she was honest all the way along in her words, I don't feel like she was honest in her actions.

 

I still love her and miss her terribly. I feel so tenderly for her and I know it burned her up to hurt me the way she did. I have been working extra hard to accept that it's over, that with her out of my life I'll be free to be single, to meet other people. But I've struggled in my life to be comfortable being single and I felt like I'd found somebody here with whom I was really compatible. There were absolutely aspects about her that I didn't think were so great, but the good sides seemed really great, and I asked myself hard questions about whether I really wanted this. I know she said all along that she didn't feel that deeply, but her actions made me feel that deeply.

 

I know that I live in a big city with lots of eligible single women. I know that there was no guarantee she would even end up back where I am. Still, I just can't shake these feelings and get myself to see the positives. At the moment I just feel regret, self-blame, anger, and sadness. And loneliness.

 

I'm just so angry and sad about it. What do I say if she reaches out? We didn't say we wouldn't talk, but we haven't and I sort of feel like she's the person where she would just try to ignore the pain until it's gone. What do I do if she comes back to where I live in a few months? We'll definitely end up seeing one another then.

 

Why do I feel like I somehow can't be loved in a healthy way? I've worked so hard to love myself right, to believe in core aspects of myself, and she seemed so supportive of that. I wish it wasn't possible to feel love from somebody who says that it isn't actually there.

[jus d'orange]

For all the struggle I've felt over the last couple days, I've just had a bit of a breakthrough while writing a note (that I wouldn't send, by the way) to my ex. It happened while I was writing out what I think she was missing out on by not falling in love with me, or not allowing herself to. I started to see it from her side, which has helped me to start moving beyond the anger a little bit.

 

A close friend said something really insightful the other day, which I'd like to share here because it's ringing true with me at the moment:

 

"All the knowledge we could ever need as human beings is out there right now. Think about how much good information and guidance is out there on the internet at any given moment! But the mere presence or viewing of that knowledge doesn't mean you obtain it; you have to feel it on an emotional level."

 

This is my second time being so heartbroken, and while I had "learned" a lot about heartbreak the first time around, I'm having to re-feel it again for it to be true in my mind. That's something I think I could only have learned by doing this process again. Not something I'd choose, but something that has to be done anyway.

 

So while everybody is reading good advice on these boards about overcoming heartbreak, keep the information around in your head and try to find a way to feel it. I'm sure I still have lots more days of sadness, anger, and confusion ahead of me, but I'm starting to remember my way past all of that and see a normal future for myself again.

[ZiggyZoo]

I don't really have any advice to add to what you've already been given, or I'm sure have already seen on here. I do however, have a bit of understanding about being involved with someone who really didn't want to ever be in a relationship. That was my last one, from the beginning, and I know all too well how much it hurts when you thought that you were getting through to them and had convinced them that they DID want to be in one with you after all. It makes you feel dumb for wasting your time, angry at them for leading you on, worthless for not being "enough" to change their mind, angry at yourself for ignoring the huge red flag that was them saying "I don't want to be in a relationship right now"...am I right? If so, I'm right there too. Off and on.

 

And like you too, I've been able to see it from my ex's point of view, which has helped a lot. It helped with my last bad breakup too, and I'm glad it seems to be working for you. And don't forget, its only been about a week for you, so cut yourself some slack too. I hope this helps. I've been able to work through a lot of these feelings, and am finally getting on the way to recovery.

[jus d'orange]

Hi ZiggyZoo,

 

Thanks, yeah that really sums up a lot of the feelings I'm having.

 

 

It seems so weird to have been in such a close relationship for over a year with somebody who only once said they wanted it.

 

It was right before she left to spend most of year, possibly longer away. We hadn't talked about the certainty of the relationship in a while, and there was an extended period before she left where she said she didn't want to stay together once she was gone. We argued about it but I left it alone so we could at least enjoy the time we had together. Right before she left though, I asked point blank when were in bed together, in a quiet moment, and it was the first time she ever said that she wanted the relationship.

 

When she was first gone for a while, it really seemed like she wanted it. The communication, from a distance, even felt loving. I remember telling her that even though she was so far away, I'd never felt closer to her. She agreed and it stayed that way, but as my anxiety grew over my work while she was gone, I think she started pulling herself away again.

 

I know it's stupid to wonder, but I've thought about if she hadn't left -- would she have felt love? I felt like it was heading that direction. If she comes back in a couple months, which she might, and she stays, I can't help but feel hope there. I know that after having things end, she likely would be at the very least extremely hesitant to start anything with me again, because I just know her that way.

 

But I can't put the hope out of my head. This wasn't a girl I ever felt infatuated with; I simply fell in love with her very honestly and slowly over months. I felt and saw and thought about all this compatibility. Would it ever even be worth trying to talk to her about rekindling something, if I knew she were back in the same city as me?

 

I know it's naïveté, but I just can't battle these thoughts and I feel like they'll stop me from moving on.

[jus d'orange]

Hey all,

 

I feel like I'm doing the best I can. I'm keeping busy, sleeping plenty, eating right, working out, keeping in touch with my family and friends, talking about how I'm feeling, and trying to get myself to move on.

 

I've gone over in my head that I need to respect her decision, that I can't be with someone who doesn't love me and doesn't want a relationship with me, that there were things about her that I didn't like, and that she's far away and it's not sure she'll be back near me any time soon. I've tried telling myself that I deserve someone who really wants the relationship, etc.

 

I'm going to counselling to try to sort out my thoughts. I write them down. I write unsent notes to her.

 

But still I just feel so stuck. I miss her like hell. My brain keeps replaying lots of happy times, the way that she was in my life in so many ways and that we were so close. All of these things that seemed to contradict what she said. I wanted to call her last night but I didn't, although I worry what I will do if she calls me. I don't think she will though.

 

I can't help but think about her coming back possibly in a few months and wondering if she will see me differently then. What if the distance is gone for an indefinite amount of time -- will she want to try again?

 

I can't get these thoughts out of my head and every morning I wake up and try to battle the same things again and again. It's a bit exhausting.

 

Anyone have any advice or idea? I just want to keep strong and keep going but I feel like I'm weakening sometimes.