ivionthenet Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 First of all my question is about serious relationships, or at least people you go out with because there is really something there. Women you consider as a potential partner. Let's say she is very attractive, sincere, funny, interesting, and you have lots in common. She is the kind of girl you have been waiting for. What would you find more magnetic; the girl being easy and open and even initiating the progress of getting closer to you or the opposite, where you have to make the hard miles and win her over? Would you see her as more valuable if you had to work hard for her?
rocketman122 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Would you see her as more valuable if you had to work hard for her? I have no patience for hard to get girls. Im not in high school. Im not talking about sex but about showing interest. Zero tolerance for those stupid games. I just walk away. 5
LostOnes05 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 No patience for it. It's juvenile. Guys who play that game either waste their time and money trying to woo her, or get hurt later when they realize they invested much more into a relationship that wasn't worth it. 1
Author ivionthenet Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 I appreciate those responses but I am not talking about women who PLAY hard to get. I am talking about women for instance who would like to get to know you before committing, women who want to take their time to build a proper connection, or women, who may have been hurt in the past and don't want to jump into things straight away so might take a little longer to warm up to you. Women who let you lead the way. 1
Justanaverageguy Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Depends on what you mean by hard to get .... I'm not into game playing at all. So the type of hard to get where the girl is deliberately stringing you along, canceling dates, waiting 24 hours to reply to messages etc does not interest me. Big turn off and its normally pretty easy to see through the fake hard to get BS. But that doesn't work because its fake and people know this. The truth is hard to get works really well if its done right. The human brain is literally hard wired to always want what it can't have. The "games" girls play were invented for that very reason. Because it is the most universal rule of human attraction. So I'm a big fan of the courting stage. Not silly juvenile games - but if both people are on the same page then not diving straight into bed and actually taking things slow it is a lot more fun and generally speaking leads to a deeper connection and stronger long term feelings. I learned from past relationships that the feelings of "love" and "attraction" are quite often built when two people are not actually together. That sounds weird but the key to building strong attraction is keeping the other person thinking about you when you are not with them. And when you can't have something you want it keeps you obsessing over it. This act of constantly thinking and obsessing about an object re-enforces the want and the desire for it. It increases the "attraction" we have for it. With a woman the result is exactly the same - a women that doesn't offer it up easy and is more discerning with who she chooses to sleep or start a relationship with will give time for the want and desire to build. But if you get the girl from the beginning - dive straight into sex or a long term relationship .... what is left to think about.... What is left to fantasize about ? You already had it so you don't have time for critical courting stage. It is the "not having" at the beginning that creates the stronger emotion so it doesn't just fizzle out after the new shine wears off in a couple of months. Little girls play hard to get .... a good woman just is hard to get and if she does it right definitely works on me. 5
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Although I am a woman I don't think most people value anybody or anything that is too easy to attain. For example you are more likely to blow off going to something you got free tickets for vs. something you paid money to get or worked hard to win a contest. With people, nobody finds doormats attractive: clingy needy people who just want anybody to love them. Whereas somebody who is confident in their own skin, has interesting stuff going on in their lives, those people are attractive. Whether the man initiates or the woman does as long as it doesn't come from a place of desperation that is a good thing. Similarly for me, somebody who ditches there friends & long standing plans just for a date doesn't have the kind of character I find attractive. For example, I had long standing Friday obligations when I met my husband. They were social plans but I didn't just abandon those friends because I was dating him. I invited him along & rearranged those plans if he asked me to do something very special (company holiday party, his parents were in town from 2,000 miles away) etc but otherwise even though we were falling in love, I didn't change myself for him. Playing hard to get is a real turn off. Being hard to get is something else altogether & can be very attractive. 5
carhill Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Ha, ha, they've all been that way so essentially the same. If I ever note women raining from the trees I'll let you know. Hence, value has been static and acquisition uniformly challenging. Probably the 'easiest to get' of all the women I've been with was the one I married mainly because she was actually single(!) and childless, so, relatively speaking, more available and less distracted. What would you find more magnetic; the girl being easy and open and even initiating the progress of getting closer to you or the opposite, where you have to make the hard miles and win her over? At this point in life, having been married and 'getting it' more, my days of 'hard miles' are behind me. I'll leave that to the younger guys with more tread on their shoes. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 When I'm paying for a ton of first and second dates with multiple prospects (lets be honest, most don't work out), I don't have time for stupid games like this ****. OK - its not like they need to have sex with me, but if they aren't showing interest, I'm not going to stick around and keep paying for dates when there MIGHT be a chance she's into me but she's just playing hard to get? Lol. Don't have sex right away, but at least show you're into a guy you like. Just being polite and friendly isn't enough, if there isn't a physical spark, guys will see the dreaded friendzone coming and abandon ship. 1
LostOnes05 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Yea, taking your time to get to know someone is one thing. But playing games to me is unacceptable behavior for an adult. Now, I would not have sex with a woman early in dating at all. First of all, you don't know who is else she may be sleeping with. And I'd ideally want both of us tested before that happened. Definitely don't want any gifts you can't give back. I would much rather build a relationship with someone than start off having sex. I think it helps both people show that they are invested in the relationship and have other interests besides sex. 1
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Oh pleeze The guys aren't being honest here.... The chicks that are good at the game DO play hard to get so well that the guys don't even know they are being taken on a ride.... Ever wonder why a guy would obsess over an ex? Cuz she's the one that got away. She could be ugly, dumb, whatever - what turns him on is the fact that he has to "work" to win her affections. My ex FWB's wife was mean, abusive, and withholding of attention/affection. But, he kept on "trying". I treated him nice and it was a turn-off...Well, while it lasted for a minute, he bored of it eventually. I've seen ugly, homely, baggage, drama chicks get guys all the time. I have no "game". I'm very accommodating. That's a turn off for guys - especially the guys I choose. Some see what I do as being "submissive" and/or "easy". I could go on and on, but guys, IMO, aren't being honest here. Seen them too many times pursue the woman that presents a challenge. "Why Men Love Byaches". I've had that book for years now and still haven't learned a thing. Oh well. 2
todreaminblue Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I dont easily get attracted to guys...i think its a protection mechanism i like to know a guy before i let my feelings be known......it is rare ill ask a guy out.....only if i feel prompted......and that has happened only twice in my life......where it has been a real push......even then .....i was friends with one of them ...for a couple of years and he had already told me his feelings for me....the other one didnt eventuate into anything i do think you appreciate anything if you work for it...do some grunt work...i am not one to normally want an easy path....because to me i question anything that comes too easy to me.....as being fake..liek i wrote a speech and it came so easily....i knew it was wrong......i have to work to think to have the right words......if someone expresses an interest in me a full blown one..... without knowing me as a friend first....i question that................but there comes a time when everyone has a breaking point....no one is really willing to wait forever...deciphering your own breaking point...is what is important and not going beyond that.... i think patience if you really want something bad enough....is a good thing.....i guess it proves commitment..actually no it doesnt......my ex waited two years for me...didnt prove commitment at all...maybe he resented actually waiting for me........i used to think it did prove commitment is a better phrase.....i do think working for anything gives you a sense of achievement and peace at the end of the day.....the destination is always sweeter if the hard yards are done before you reach it..........deb 2
Author ivionthenet Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) I was so happy to read these posts because honestly it is how I feel. Even if the men I date like it or not, I just cannot rush myself anymore. I have had too many romances that fizzled out and I feel very exhausted by them. I want something real and beautiful and meaningful and substantial. I want to find someone who is amazing and just blows my mind in every way. But I feel to find that you need time and yes, a bit of distance. In regards to sex if I feel that when the time is right I am not going to hold back considering how much I love making love, but I will only do it if I feel that it means a lot for the both of us, if there is that build up, that spark where you feel that there is just simply no other way. So I hope that being genuine and even sharing why I may be taking so long will not turn the other person off. That is why I started this thread I guess. The other thing I think I wont be able to do anymore is initiating things. I just simply don't want to be rejected. So I though maybe it's ok to just follow along. Like wait for him to invite me out let him make one step, and than make a step then let him make another and respond by making one myself. I would love to be able to just do that. It would feel safe. Edited February 16, 2015 by ivionthenet 1
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) I was so happy to read these posts because honestly it is how I feel. Even if the men I date like it or not, I just cannot rush myself anymore. I have had too many romances that fizzled out and I feel very exhausted by them. I want something real and beautiful and meaningful and substantial. I want to find someone who is amazing and just blows my mind in every way. But I feel to find that you need time and yes, a bit of distance. In regards to sex if I feel that when the time is right I am not going to hold back considering how much I love making love, but I will only do it if I feel that it means a lot for the both of us, if there is that build up, that spark where you feel that there is just simply no other way. So I hope that being genuine and even sharing why I may be taking so long will not turn the other person off. That is why I started this thread I guess. The other thing I think I wont be able to do anymore is initiating things. I just simply don't want to be rejected. So I though maybe it's ok to just follow along. Like wait for him to invite me out let him make one step, and than make a step then let him make another and respond by making one myself. I would love to be able to let go of any fear and just do that. It would feel safe. Well, if this thread is more about you trying to time when it is right to have sex - well, IMO, it should be well after you know him and his intentions. Some think you'll know that by the 3rd date or 3rd month. Every circumstance isn't the same, but IMO, the more time you take to know him, the more informed decision you will make if he's "sex" worthy. I mean, you wanna put him on a test-drive and vice-versa. Cuz, while connections, chemistry and all that outside of the bedroom is good - when there isn't sexual chemistry and/or activity the "sex" becomes the "issue" in the RL. It becomes magnified. In the meantime, I believe that if you're holding off sex, at least do things to let them learn about your sexuality and that you have romantic interest in them. If you put on some music, I can lean into my guy and he'll "know" what to expect in the bedroom already. I'm also very "touchy/feely" with someone I have affection for. So kissing, touching, etc (light or heavy) is gonna take place even before I decide he's gonna get any - so again, he has no doubt that there's romantic interest/attraction too. Lol, but going back to the manipulative/hard to get girls. You gotta watch Don Jon. Scarlett Johansen's character is a good example of a woman who planned and plotted and got Don Jon - a guy who can get "any" whenever/wherever to slow his roll to get her. I mean, she gave him a "taste" of booty at certain points and worked him well. But, she still had issues getting him away from the porn. But even then, even after Julianne Moore's character taught him how to actually enjoy sex, he was so hooked on Scarlett's character that he even went to have a sit down with her afterwards to see if he still had a chance. I'll never have "game" like that. Edited February 16, 2015 by Gloria25
todreaminblue Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I was so happy to read these posts because honestly it is how I feel. Even if the men I date like it or not, I just cannot rush myself anymore. I have had too many romances that fizzled out and I feel very exhausted by them. I want something real and beautiful and meaningful and substantial. I want to find someone who is amazing and just blows my mind in every way. But I feel to find that you need time and yes, a bit of distance. In regards to sex if I feel that when the time is right I am not going to hold back considering how much I love making love, but I will only do it if I feel that it means a lot for the both of us, if there is that build up, that spark where you feel that there is just simply no other way. So I hope that being genuine and even sharing why I may be taking so long will not turn the other person off. That is why I started this thread I guess. The other thing I think I wont be able to do anymore is initiating things. I just simply don't want to be rejected. So I though maybe it's ok to just follow along. Like wait for him to invite me out let him make one step, and than make a step then let him make another and respond by making one myself. I would love to be able to just do that. It would feel safe. The other thing I think I wont be able to do anymore is initiating things. I just simply don't want to be rejected. So I though maybe it's ok to just follow along. Like wait for him to invite me out let him make one step, and than make a step then let him make another and respond by making one myself. I would love to be able to just do that. It would feel safe. i feel exactly the same way....when i initiate i am vulnerable.....it doesnt feel safe or secure......its high emotions on my behalf...it feels so darn awkward....... i like steps instead of fast forward escalators going at a pace that feels good.....to be able to take turns in steps to me is a natural progression of steps where the couple take turns...so its natural and no one oversteps.....i wouldnt say no to someone i liked...its hard enough saying no to guys i dont like...but i would hope they would show me their patience...if i feel rushed...i am out of control and it wouldnt feel good..it would take over any good feelings i had about him and or the relationship.....its not about games...its that feeling of safety and learning to trust the guy i am with to take steps ......that are right for the both of us..and him trusting me......that i would never go somewhere he didnt want to go........he has to care about me to do this...and to me really caring for someone ...takes time..and it takes friendship over intimacy.....deb
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