Jmal1994 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Let's tell the situation, my ex and I are both 20, were together for almost 3 years, we were each others first love and everything else, we were loving with each other, ignored each others negatives and talked about our future together, we are both at separate colleges, but both live at home two minutes away from each other. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago, saying she had changed, she had become influenced by her friends at college, one of which provided her with emotional attachment that I could not for the past month due to being really busy. She would break up with me and kiss this guy a few hours after the breakup. Since then, we have kept little contact, I visited her house 9 days after the breakup to chat about our week, to leave the door open for friendship, she had the biggest smile on her face, but burst into tears saying she missed me, but it felt like she missed my company, not actually me! She has kept all our pictures up on her wall, holds my clothes etc.. I would then realise this was a bad mistake on my behalf, I had lost my self-worth and dignity that I'd gained over the past week by being independent, seeing her destroyed it. I reassured that I couldn't make that transition to 'friend'. Since then, she has been hanging out quite a bit with this new guy, at his house, twenty minutes away, he's two years younger, which creeps me out. I have understood where I went wrong in the relationship, I had become too comfortable and took her for granted, I had become jealous by the fact she was texting another guy more than she would me, she'd even text him when she was with me, and ultimately delete his messages, but i stood by her through all her traumas in her life, she still wants me too, but it's hard. She had told me things she hadn't told anyone else,but I'm no longer that first port of call anymore. I spoke to her on the phone last night, she said she had changed and was really sorry, she wasn't ready to settle down when I was, she said she needs to be on her own, but I feel she is seeing this new guy, there is nothing I can do about it in the short term, she has moved on it seems without taking a thought about my feelings. She said she still cares about me, but she would wait surely? I'm still uncertain and feel like I have burned all bridges by breaking no contact with her, and seeing quite domineering on the phone, but I hadn't received any closure and hadn't healed at all in two weeks. If anything, I'd become worse by not knowing her emotions, she still thinks about me everyday, she said she is really sorry and that it is all her fault, to which I agreed. I'm just uncertain if I've ended all reconciliation? I understand she is at the age for finding herself out, but I feel like after 3 years, you can't just cut all connections, would this new guy be a rebound? She's known him since December. I'm positive about moving on, but I live in the hope that she would return, like most people do after the time we spent together. I may have caused friction by making her choose friendship between myself and this new guy at the moment, which probably pushed her away Is all lost for me with her? What could I do to reaffirm my strong, loving and doting personality that she fell in love with?
creyente7 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) Everything you mention here sounds so familiar. Maybe because I went through the same thing. She will always care about you, but not in the way you would like it to be. Its true, people change. Seeing that you both were your first of everything it makes sense that she may explore. You will always have a place in her heart, afterall you both were part of each others lives for 3 years. I went through a hard break up. Enough to put myself into therapy, what my therapist told me was that reconcilliations only happen after a long time has passed, a few months is not enough time for a person to change. And for a reconcilliation to happen, one or both person must change for the better. Basically a new relationship, but with the same person. If true feelings were involved she will realize this, but not anytime soon. I don't want to bust your bubble but even friendship isnt possible anytime soon, she's happy because you gave her that option, and a part of you will always be better than not having you in her life at all, but remember that she wants you for the benefit of herself which is selfish. She will always have you as plan B. Im not a fan of mind games but if you want even a 0.00001 percent chance to be back with her, you must stay away as much as possible and work on yourself. Its hard to realize this now because your mind is fogged up with too much emotions but staying away from her triggers many things in her mind like "Why isnt he chasing me", "what is he upto" etc... Im no expert, im only speaking from experience. I did every mistake, from begging to pleading. But the only time my ex ever reached out to me was when I had finally found peace and happiness with myself. Theres something about it that still keeps me thinking, its like they have a 6th sense that when you're finally moving on is when they decide to reach out. Law of attraction maybe. Anyways, im only throwing my thoughts out there. But like I said, work on yourself and try your best to stay NC. You can't mess up if you don't talk to her, at the same time work on yourself. Its a win-win situation. In the end you might have either moved on, not want her back, found somebody else, or are ready to show the new and improved you Goodluck! EDIT: one last thing I forgot to mention. I took the "I've moved on, not want her back" route and am happy about it. Meeting new people, making new friends, and doing things you cant do in a relationship! I was a wreck then, if you want to read my threads you're more than welcome to. Its not a competition of who's had it worse but its proof that things get better Edited February 16, 2015 by creyente7 Additional info
CT98 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Lots of people will tell you this; you're still so young, relationships at your age rarely last, young girls are prone to just falling out of love with someone & changing their personality at the drop of a hat. I'm 25 now, I was also with a girl from when I was 17 until I was 21, when that finished I was pretty gutted, but now when I look back I am SO pleased I didn't end up with her. I cherish the memories but I've been with much better girls since then. You will be too...so don't worry about her coming back or not, you're 20, the world is your oyster, go out and have fun, there will be a lot of new girls to enter your life. I don't want to come across as patronising, but I was in your position too a few years back, so I know how it goes. 1
creyente7 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I second the above poster ^ At first all you'll want is her back. But you're not being fair to yourself if you only let that happen. You'll be missing out on opportunities with girls far better suied for you. So much to learn and experience. I'm only 22, I know thats not that old, but its really an eye opener after your first relationship. You become much wiser with your next partner.
Author Jmal1994 Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 I understand and appreciate these words, I am still young, but I believe each person is different, depending on their lifestyle, their history etc.. Personally, I am part of a broken family, in which my mother decided to leave my father when I had just started school, the cynical attitude of my father towards the opposite sex, as well as my forced dependence from a young age upon the reconstituted family away from my father has made me lose all hope, in a sense,for the future. See this girl (my ex) provided me with a greater deal of independence, to go and find out about myself, along with her, and she loved learning about me. Since the breakup, I have maintained friends, but am unable to fill that void completely, we did everything together I am young and still have time to learn, but I live in the fear that I cannot share myself, as I had done with my ex, with anyone else, in the fear of a repeat instance. This may all sound stupid and very childish, but it certainly causes fears and opinions to surface
CT98 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Jmal, I hear you, I still struggle with the fear after being hurt by my last girlfriend quite badly. Unfortunately that's all part of love; but when you get over this you will then learn that yes people may hurt you, but you always recover, so there's not too much to fear. My view on relationships is this; you meet people, they may hurt you, you learn from your mistakes, and you move onto your next relationship wiser and a better version of yourself, you repeat this until you find someone who doesn't hurt you and you stay with them for the rest of your days....
na49 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 You and I are in the same boat dude. I'm also 20, and also was with my ex for 3 years. We go to the same college though, which is actually worse. She is very social, so I see all of her friends on campus and just feel like crap. She gave me a similar speech as your ex. She doesn't know what she wants, needs to reevaluate her life in more areas than her relationship, etc. BUT magically the guy who told her he has a crush on her is in her profile picture... funny how that works. I got totally blindsided and was an idiot for trusting her. She knew this guy made me uncomfortable but told me to just deal with it because she can't help if guys have a crush on her. Very frustrating... My ex was my best friend. I was never as close with someone as I was with her. Losing her opened up a giant void in me that I can't fill. No matter how many supportive people are around, I just want her. So I know how you feel on that too. I'm afraid of falling in love with someone else because I don't know if anyone will be the same as her. I don't really have any new advice. Just give her the space that she is asking for. You didn't ruin any chance of reconciliation by showing up and talking to her once. That doesn't mean you should hope for that chance because it may never come. Try to focus on yourself, don't contact her or check her social media profiles, and let time do it's thing.
Author Jmal1994 Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 I understand, but like I don't want to completely ignore her, she was my best friend too, and I think you just can't lose a best friend like that, you tell them everything, confide in them, and they do it back, to the point that you can actually see their heart breaking, but is fixed when you just speak to them. We did talk about the past, saying best friends aren't meant to hurt each other, and the one instant I made her cry, and made her fear for the relationship was a year into the relationship, but I assured her that I loved only her and would do anything for her, and she became literally inseparable from my side, and I loved it, it didn't suffocate me at all, it made me feel loved and wanted. She would even tell me never to grow up when I turned 20, she wanted me to be there forever, slightly hypocritical now, but what's happened has happened. I will learn to love myself, I think I need to before I can think about my future. I hope she does want some sort of reconciliation in the future, because I'm willing to give her a second chance. I respect eh fact that she didn't physically cheat on me when we were together, and that she truly cared about my feelings, she even cut contact with him once I brought up the issue that she text him more, but she remained confused, the damage was already done, I think she tried to resolve he issues, but my jealousy was inevitably and uncontrollably too much, and that's something I've noticed and am willing to change
Author Jmal1994 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Okay, the past few days have been positive, I have been looking forward to moving on, but I can't help but worry about her. Nothing in the sense of relationship, but she is literally all over the place. Her twitter retweets define her misery, confusion and wishes to crawl in a hole and never come out. She is struggling ever so much with her university work, to the point that she doesn't even do it (her mother tells me). She even had a blood test and visit to the doctors today, she has lost loads of weight and is completely shutting herself away What can I do to make sure to see if she's alright, or do I just let her get on with it?
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