passions Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Feeling a bit sad, wondering what's going on, or not going on. My bf and I live together since a few months, we dated for about a year before that. Over christmas my bf and I got into a bit of a fight as his mother wanted us to be separated for weeks and I refused to even though they had always been together over xmas - shouldn't I have been welcome too then, I was sad to he decided to split half time with me and half time with his family. My family adores him and treat him like family but I have not met his parents (have met his sibling however). Intitially my bf did not want us to live together until I had met them, but they had different reasons for not seeing me which I accepted, couldn't do anything else. They are retired and live a couple hours away. I've asked my bf several times why we haven't seen eachother and he has come up with some possible reasons and actual excuses why they haven't met me, more specifically why his mother is having excuses for not inviting us and not coming to our place. Now it's evident that it's not just lack of time and their increased age it's more than that, and he has kinda given up on the idea of us meeting anytime soon, he says "I shouldn't have to nag on them to come see you, should be the other way, I'm not going to nag on them." Even though they are older than my parents they are more active, they got cars, and have projects and friends and my boyfriend says his mother is really nice so why doesn't she want to see me then.. His parents have never met any possible future daughter in law (That I know of) - his older sibling is single and they're both 30 +. I thought that if anyone should be curious to meet me it would be her - once she realized that we're serious and plan a future together. To add to my distress my bf and I were friends before dating so that makes quite a few years without seeing his parents. My bf has met my family many times now and even if I did meet his sometime in the future (in a few years..) i'd still feel a bit wtf.. He makes regular phone calls to them, but never calls from home. So I feel about as distant from his family as I possibly can, aside from his sibling who lives near us but when his parents come to see his sibling and my bf here, they stay at my siblings and don't come here and don't let me come over there.. The latest explanation my bf tried to give as that his mother is a bit prude, I know she's more traditional/religious than my family and I am but - I am a decent nice studying hardworking good girl who writes and does sports. Has he told them something that made her not want to see me? At some point I thought it was my bf who didn't want me to meet them but I think he feels almost as distressed as I feel about it.
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Ask him (specifically) what the reasons are. If he doesn't know then ask him to ask them what the reasons are. Enough of the vague excuses. Specific reasons. "I will not meet you because X".
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 What's the problem with you guys going to see them? Why do they have to drive over to see you? Considering that your BF is over 30 and never been engaged or married, his parents are probably waiting for him to finally get serious with someone and figure that he'll make the introductions when he's ready.
Frank2thepoint Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I get the sense that your boyfriend is hiding something. BetrayedH mentioned that his parents are waiting for him to get serious, which makes me think that your boyfriend isn't 100% sure he wants to have a long term relationship with you. The biggest red flag is your boyfriend never talks to his parents over the phone in front of you. I suggest for you to have a serious discussion with him about your relationship, and if he has mentioned you to his parents seriously.
Author passions Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 yes that makes sense to ask directly for a reason, will do that though I think he's asked already. And yes BetrayedH also have a point, maybe it's just because I don't know his parents and his relations to his parents so I dont know how they commincate and what they expect. Bf has been trying to get me over to their place for a year, but everytime he suggest a time or day (birthdays etc) his mother starts saying - no, no, too much to do right now or they're having other plans. He thought about 'surprise-visiting' them but cancelled that early, no good plan he said - I guess he knows them better than I do so all I can do is to ask again
Timshel Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 It would be a little hard to believe that your boyfriend does not know why they won't meet you. I'm sure with all the times they have refused your company they have given him a reason. This is peculiar but with what you have posted, my first instinct would be that they disapprove of living together before marriage. They are a different generation after all. Many parents in that age range would be wary. Other issues may also be at play that could be long established dynamics within this family. My advice would be that if you are discussing a future with him, this should be addressed as it will become very important to your future relationship. If they become your in-laws and grandparents of your children, it is fair for you to want to understand what you are getting yourself into.
salparadise Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) His parents have never met any possible future daughter in law (That I know of) - his older sibling is single and they're both 30 +. I thought that if anyone should be curious to meet me it would be her - once she realized that we're serious and plan a future together. when his parents come to see his sibling and my bf here, they stay at my siblings and don't come here and don't let me come over there. It seems as though it may not be you personally, but them trying to control and keep their kids single... forever. If that's the case, then they probably see any potential daughter-in-law as a threat. They are probably possessive and trying to prevent their adult children from becoming autonomous and having independent lives of their own. It's an extremely immature, insecure way to be. What can you do? There are three options: a) find a way to get them to accept you (unlikely given what you've shared), b) explain to your bf how perverse the whole situation is so he can choose (or not) to assert himself and take control of his life, or c) Realize that this is not something you can fix, and that if your boyfriend is unable/unwilling to stand up to his parents, then it's unresolvable. As undesirable as it may sound, if your bf can't deal with his parents, you may be forced to choose between staying with him or seeking the life you desire with someone else. The sad thing is, even if he were to stand up and force them to meet you, it's not likely that they'll ever really accept you. If he were to become estranged from his parents for choosing you over them... well, that's not a good prognosis either. Which is better... bring it to a head or maintain this status quo indefinitely? Edited February 16, 2015 by salparadise
Toodaloo Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I get the sense that your boyfriend is hiding something. BetrayedH mentioned that his parents are waiting for him to get serious, which makes me think that your boyfriend isn't 100% sure he wants to have a long term relationship with you. The biggest red flag is your boyfriend never talks to his parents over the phone in front of you. I suggest for you to have a serious discussion with him about your relationship, and if he has mentioned you to his parents seriously. I am uneasy about this too and also think he is hiding something. Either from them or you. There is no way I would be living with someone my parents hadn't met...
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 What jumped out at me from your 1st post was the fact that your BF did not want to live together until you met his parents. Yet, here you are living together without meeting the parents. You also moved in together after having only dated for a year. I suspect he knew that this could happen, the parents, were going to disapprove & show that disapproval by refusing to spend time with you. When I moved in with a guy years ago my mother did the same thing because she was so against living together before marriage she cut me out of her life for about 2 years. I was OK with that. Even if the reason hurts your feelings, you have to drag the truth out of your BF. I suspect it will be disapproval. Then you have to take a long hard look at how this family interacts & make a decision about whether you want to be part of it. I seriously doubt your BF will ever be able to completely go against his parents as in if they don't approve he won't marry you. Even if you do marry you will forever be "that slut" who lived with the son before marriage (assuming my theory about why the parents are not meeting you is correct.) I am not attacking your decision, just positing a theory about the mom's behavior. Are there ethnic, religious, or cultural differences between you & the parents? If so they could also be driving this behavior. You do need to address this soon & either fix it or forget about in because right now it's poisoning the relationship. My suggestion would be for your BF to tell his parents you & he are coming to where they are & you two will be taking them out to dinner on a specific date. Do not presume you will be allowed into their house for a meal or that you will be welcome to stay there. If it's a long distance, you may need to get a hotel.
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 His mother and father perhaps, may not approve of you living together and may actually think of you as some sort of a slut or harlot and don't want to meet you for that reason - I have encountered that sort of mindset, it is not so common nowadays, but she is religious/traditional. She/he may actually hate you already for corrupting their lovely son. He may not have actually told his parents about you, knowing their reaction to you living together. He may have tried to broach the subject, but with little success, so you are permanently hidden, so as not to upset the family. As far as they are concerned he is still single. The sibling may be in on the secret. Do you speak to the sibling? Can you ask him why you are persona non grata? 1
Author passions Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Have not thought about that idea that they consider me a slut or whatever - as in the country we live in it is custom to live together before marriage, possibly without ever marrying these days. It is also custom that 'old people' are not considered very valuable so that's the kind of mindset I have about this, that they don't think they're welcome and thats the impression my bf has given me too, that they think I'm not interested in seeing them for whatever reason, maybe because I moved in so 'early' before meeting them. I also met their friends before them. His father talks about me and wants to meet me and my fam, his mother has at times told my bf that she will explain why they hasn't met me - that its my bfs fault because he didn't tell her about me in time which he says he has. So I don't know.. but we share the same culture and background, in fact I would also call myself a little prude if I had to, I'm not very liberal but I had reason to move in with the bf 'early' and that's nothing I ever thought could be a problem..
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 OK if living together isn't taboo, then I would push for my other idea: Your BF tells his parents you are coming to them to take them out to dinner. It's respectful for the kids to go to the parents. How would your BF feel if you approached the parents directly & invited them to your house? Although I lived with somebody for over 10 years, I never contact any members of his family directly except once when his mother was in the hospital I called his brother. I do pick up the phone & talk to my husband's family when I feel like hearing their voices. Also if your BF will blow a gasket because you called his parents, don't do it.
Author passions Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Thank you all for the different thoughts on this, came here a little angry and not understanding this thing but now maybe I understand better and will discuss things properly with him. It's a good idea to take them out
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I just would like to put this from a different prospective... Calling his parents "religious" and "prudes" isn't gonna get you any kudos with them. I also do not believe in shack-ups and it is not just from a religious perspective. I've seen too many statistics and heard the stories on my fav podcaster from "co--habitators" who end up divorcing early and have a lot of issues that arise from shack-ups" I believe lots of people - especially women - go into shack-ups cuz they don't have patience. They want it all, and they want it now. They put the cart before the horse. They want a false sense of intimacy by "playing house". I'm tired of the excuses that shacking up is the "modern/progressive" thing to do...and, that you need it to figure out if that's the person you wanna marry...and, that it's good to save money on bills - since you are dating already. Just cuz things were done "back in the day" doesn't mean they were done w/o any reason to them. Also, you can visit and/or spend time at a person's place and see how they live to figure out if they're someone you'd marry. You don't have to live under the same roof as them. And lastly, if you can't manage your bills and have to move in with me cuz you're dating me then that tells me you probably aren't gonna be a good spouse. I've seen my siblings and people pick up chicks who never been on their own and go straight from their parents to some guy's place and those chicks haven't been able to learn what it's like to balance a check book and handle real responsibilities. So, I wish I could say more - but I'm trying to give a perspective to this issue that isn't solely based on "religion", "prudes", and/or "old fashioned" people. If I was a parent, I would want the best for my child and some chick pushing him to shack-up with her is not what I'd approve of. At some point they may bend cuz they don't wanna miss out on grandkids if you two actually marry one day. I've been there and done that with siblings. I've seen them pick up mates that I did not care for. But, I've learned to hold my tongue cuz I rather be on the "in" and exert my influence w/o alienating the person my sibling has that I don't approve of. I have siblings I have cut ties with - and those situations were ones where there was abuse going on and I'm not gonna "accept" someone who is abusive towards my sibling and/or their kids. So, I'm on the side of his parents and can see why they feel the way they feel towards you. IMO, your image of them being "prudes" or what-have-you probably is reflected in your dealings with them and they can also smell it. So, on top of the differences in life/religion/etc you have with them - they may also perceive you as a disrespectful young girl.
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 My fav podcaster may have also addressed why they don't want to meet you. They don't consider you "family"... I don't/wouldn't put at the same level some chick my sibling is shacking-up with as "family". The day he makes her a decent woman (i.e. marriage) then I would be welcome to meet her. Sex and the City had a show like that. One day Carrie followed Mr. Big to church cuz she thought it was so cute that he took his mum there. Well, she ran into them and when Mr. Big didn't present her as his "gf" or someone he was dating - she was upset. Well, he and Carrie were just knocking boots. Why would he invite Carrie to church and/or meet his mom when Carrie wasn't a woman he planned to make his wife? Just sayin' 1
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) BTW, I'm watching "Cheaters" right now and this guy who is "sharing" a house with his gf, who is pregnant, and he's not married to her - has had a woman on the side for over a year now... I'm not saying all shack-ups are like this - but many are. Again, I see where his parents are coming from. There's just so much that goes wrong with shack-ups and I wouldn't be excited to meet the girl my "son" is shacking-up with. Cuz, religious reasons aside, I'd not respect her for what situation she's setting herself and/or any kids she may have with him for. Now, also, I'd be mad with my son cuz I would also be upset with him for taking advantage of a chick too. Again, just showing another perspective here. Edited February 16, 2015 by Gloria25
Author passions Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I realize my way of describing this situation might be interpreted very differently according to ones own pre-understanding of a different culture I didn't say by name - but at least its fair to read the posts properly. I simply used the words my bf use abut his parents, not mine. In chosing to write a post likes this, it makes it unbalanced since I focus on possible problems so it is not fair to start rambling on about what's right and wrong to anyone seeking help when you don't know much about them and when they're not even speaking their native tongue. About bills, kids, religion and culture, none of that is a driving factor in this. Edited February 17, 2015 by passions
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