Firstin Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I started a new job the day before she dumped me 4 weeks ago. Hadn't really spoken to her apart from the odd message (initiated by both). The back story is that we have been dating for 4 years (living together for 3) and at times over the last 12 months she has said she wanted it over and walked out 3 times. This is now the 4th. However, as I've said on here in the past, she never actually breaks up. Just leaves and doesn't tell anyone it's over and goes out every day with friends. The issue seems to be constant - she doesn't make the relationship a priority - everything else comes first. Her breakups are always reactionary too. As soon as there is an argument she talks about how unhappy she has been. Not sure if it is a manipulative tool or she has just been slowly boosting up the morale for a final breakup or if it's her mental health issues. I should also state that she has diagnosed depression and possibly some other mental health disorder. I find her behavior odd. Breaking up doesn't phase her at all while I struggle. If she has made a mistake or has a fault it cannot be discussed. She can't talk about negative emotion at all. I once went with her to a therapist and she sat their silent (more than once) unable to speak and just cried. I love her so much. I would do anything to be with her. She is stunningly beautiful (a real 10/10). But as you would all agree this is not right. I'm simply not brave enough to end it and at the same time not strong enough to go through the breakup drama again (I hate seeing her acting like a single and partying - it's painful and drives me crazy), most of all I worry about her finding someone else. Today I tried to call to talk for the first time, she was cold and said maybe we could meet tomorrow. (probably won't happen). As in the past, she didn't sound relived, more so angry at me. Here's the kicker. If I tell her to get her stuff and finish this she would be stubborn and get it and leave and tell me that it is my choice to end it because I would be pressuring her. However, I suspect she would be back in a few months (a few months wasted) - who knows at what the cost? sleeping with new guys? I know I couldn't accept her after that. However, if I break the ice she will be back and happy to be back. There will be no remorse and she will act like the winner and then go back to normal (as a way of avoiding her own internal conflicts). She will reluctantly agree to try harder and who knows if it will happen again.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I started a new job the day before she dumped me 4 weeks ago. Hadn't really spoken to her apart from the odd message (initiated by both). The back story is that we have been dating for 4 years (living together for 3) and at times over the last 12 months she has said she wanted it over and walked out 3 times. This is now the 4th. However, as I've said on here in the past, she never actually breaks up. Just leaves and doesn't tell anyone it's over and goes out every day with friends. The issue seems to be constant - she doesn't make the relationship a priority - everything else comes first. Her breakups are always reactionary too. As soon as there is an argument she talks about how unhappy she has been. Not sure if it is a manipulative tool or she has just been slowly boosting up the morale for a final breakup or if it's her mental health issues. I should also state that she has diagnosed depression and possibly some other mental health disorder. I find her behavior odd. Breaking up doesn't phase her at all while I struggle. If she has made a mistake or has a fault it cannot be discussed. She can't talk about negative emotion at all. I once went with her to a therapist and she sat their silent (more than once) unable to speak and just cried. I love her so much. I would do anything to be with her. She is stunningly beautiful (a real 10/10). But as you would all agree this is not right. I'm simply not brave enough to end it and at the same time not strong enough to go through the breakup drama again (I hate seeing her acting like a single and partying - it's painful and drives me crazy), most of all I worry about her finding someone else. Today I tried to call to talk for the first time, she was cold and said maybe we could meet tomorrow. (probably won't happen). As in the past, she didn't sound relived, more so angry at me. Here's the kicker. If I tell her to get her stuff and finish this she would be stubborn and get it and leave and tell me that it is my choice to end it because I would be pressuring her. However, I suspect she would be back in a few months (a few months wasted) - who knows at what the cost? sleeping with new guys? I know I couldn't accept her after that. However, if I break the ice she will be back and happy to be back. There will be no remorse and she will act like the winner and then go back to normal (as a way of avoiding her own internal conflicts). She will reluctantly agree to try harder and who knows if it will happen again. You need to read up on co-dependency. You're stuck in a vicious and toxic cycle in which your needs are not being met whatsoever, while she does what she pleases. The awful thing about these unhealthy relationships is that they are very difficult to detach from. She isn't emotionally invested in you, but you are in her. You need to be very firm and not allow her to manipulate you anymore. Her stuff needs to be gone from your place. She broke up with you, not the other way around. So she needs to realize you're not her fallback boy, which is how she's seen you for a while, from the sounds of it. Instead of trying to hash it out with her (which doesn't work) come and post here. You will find a lot of support and words of wisdom from the posters.
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 In the long run you will be happier when you finally get off this emotional roller coaster. Based on her actions -- decision to leave, partying like she's single, treating you like her back up plan (cause that is what you are) -- man up, grow a pair & kick her out. Yes it will suck & be lonely but in time you will heal & be ready for a healthy relationship with somebody who doesn't do this. 2
mightycpa Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 You have to wonder whether it is you who likes to play with yo-yo's or if it is her. You know the facts, but you can't seem to see them for what they are. I guess you're calculating the cost, and you think keeping her around is worth it. You do realize, don't you, that one day she won't come back???
Author Firstin Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Doesn't matter. We met up. It's over now, she's not interested gave the "she needs time to herself" line and not to expect to get back together as she is applying to teach abroad.
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Because it hurts you I am sorry to hear that. However, it is the best thing. This hasn't been a healthy relationship for a while. Now that it is officially over, you can begin to heal. 1
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Doesn't matter. We met up. It's over now, she's not interested gave the "she needs time to herself" line and not to expect to get back together as she is applying to teach abroad. Be ready for the bounceback. It will probably happen. As ExpatInItaly already stated, look up co-dependency.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Yes, be prepared for her to try to come back. Stand your ground
Author Firstin Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Bounce back!? I'd do anything to have her come begging back... I doubt it though....
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