jazzybones Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I've been with my bf for about a year and a half now. He's a very sweet and trustworthy person and we usually have a good time together and get along well, but he's not particularly romantic or unpredictable for that matter. I love him and I know he really loves me but at the same time, it just feels like he doesn't make any effort towards this thing that is kind of important to me. For example, he's always there for me when I really need him for something (like if I needed help moving heavy furniture, he'd drop everything he was doing and come over to help me right then and there). He even moved to my neighborhood to be closer to me. Whenever I'm sick, he's the one there taking care of me. And when I told him I was feeling like moving to another city, he seemed interested in going too. But last Valentine's Day (2014)... I just... didn't hear from him all day until that evening. I got pretty upset over it, because we didn't do anything and when I told him how disappointing it was, he responded by saying I didn't seem like the kind of person who would want to celebrate VD. So I told him, "I know it seems unlike me because I'm not incredibly superficial normally, but I *like* celebrating holidays." Around when my birthday was coming up a few months ago, he asked me what I wanted to do. It was my 30th birthday and I kept telling him, "I've never had a birthday party in my life so... I think that would be fun." But come my 30th birthday, I literally spent it alone because no party was ever planned. He ended up having dinner with his work friends and had planned to just come over to my house after to "hang out" because he thought I was busy or something, but I'm not sure why he thought this because I had told him I didn't have any plans for the day yet. I was *really* upset... not really at him, but just in general because you know, it was my 30th birthday and it sucked to spend it alone. Even just getting like 3 or 4 friends together for drinks would have been easy enough, but instead I ended up crying and feeling like a giant loser. So I told him how I felt and how important these things are to me and we were fighting about it for a while... him telling me that he understands how I feel but that he's generally clueless about stuff like this. Well, yesterday was Valentine's Day a year later. I had thought of some stuff to plan for him and I to do together, but decided to just hold off on it and see how things went this year. I admit this was kind of a lame test on my part. He spent the night at my place and after I made a late breakfast for us, I noticed he was just kind of sitting around playing with his computer and he suddenly is like, "I didn't plan anything. I kept trying to think of something but I just couldn't" And I got angry and told him how disappointing that was. Because even though I like celebrating that holiday, I know it's such an easy-out cliche holiday. It's so hard to go wrong... flowers, a little letter saying "I love you", playing a song on guitar... anything. I'm not a very material person and he knows that... for me, it's just having someone surprise me and do something out of the ordinary once in a while, but I feel like every day is the same with him. His birthday was just a week ago, and I put so much time and effort into making hand-made presents for him and making sure everything was perfect and so I felt really embarrassed in hindsight. It frustrates me because I'm always doing little things for him to show my appreciation... and I never feel like it gets returned. I've talked to him about this a good 5 or 6 times now and he acknowledges and accepts my feelings and always says he'll try to be better about it, but then whenever the opportunity arises, he always lets me down. Even yesterday, I said, "This is such an easy problem to fix... right now... we could do anything romantic, the two of us, anything... that's all it is...." but instead, he just went home. It's now been almost two days since we've talked. I don't know what to say to him. I keep expecting him to reach out or just do something unexpected to suddenly surprise me... but it just doesn't happen. Am I being like, super unreasonable? I love him, but I feel like this relationship is just completely drained of passion from his part and I just don't enjoy that.
Buddhist Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Not unreasonable but I think what you've run into is a difference in expression. It seems like from his point of view doing big important things to make your life easier is the expression of love. For you, it seems like lots of little acts of thoughtfulness are the expression of love. But both of you expect the other to be just like you. He probably has difficulty comprehending why this upsets you at all, in his mind, it's probably like.... I'm there for you when it counts? You want to nitpick about me not writing a song or making a card for you? He is probably equally frustrated that his big efforts, moving furniture, moving city don't count for much in your eyes and yet your little let downs seem to account for a lot. Not saying either of you is right or wrong, but it probably is something as simple as a fundamental difference in what you personally value but you don't know each other well enough to realise it for that. Many people go years in relationships without every truly understanding what their partner values in life. Strange but true. 2
Author jazzybones Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Not unreasonable but I think what you've run into is a difference in expression. It seems like from his point of view doing big important things to make your life easier is the expression of love. For you, it seems like lots of little acts of thoughtfulness are the expression of love. But both of you expect the other to be just like you. He probably has difficulty comprehending why this upsets you at all, in his mind, it's probably like.... I'm there for you when it counts? You want to nitpick about me not writing a song or making a card for you? He is probably equally frustrated that his big efforts, moving furniture, moving city don't count for much in your eyes and yet your little let downs seem to account for a lot. Not saying either of you is right or wrong, but it probably is something as simple as a fundamental difference in what you personally value but you don't know each other well enough to realise it for that. Many people go years in relationships without every truly understanding what their partner values in life. Strange but true. Yeah, I can understand that. I've tried to have that conversation with him before because I remember reading about it in an article one time, something about different "love languages" where some people show love through physical affection and others through stability. I've made sure he knows I appreciate the things he does for me, and I think one time when I was feeling the way I currently felt, I might have even pointed out that I understand that's his way of showing affection but that it often falls flat on me because I'm generally a very independent self-reliant lady... so it's kind of an odd conflict. Funny thing is, I feel like until this relationship, at age 30, I had no idea how much value I placed on romance in a relationship... I feel like I may have actually been more like he is when I was in my early 20s, but I have so little memory of it.
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 It's wrong to just ignore the other person's needs because you're too lame to get it together to do something. I mean, any one of my friends would help me move furniture or come over if I asked because I was sick. That's basic human decency. But if he wants you to be something other than his mommy, he needs to act like a man and do romance and holidays and all that. He needs to step up. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 This will be a life long pattern. It will never get better. You are being clear. I would like a party for my 30th. I would like something romantic -- dinner, flowers, etc for V day. If he can't do those little things & his failure to do them makes you crazy, either resign yourself to never getting them or walk away to find somebody who will give them to you. 5
Author jazzybones Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) This will be a life long pattern. It will never get better. You are being clear. I would like a party for my 30th. I would like something romantic -- dinner, flowers, etc for V day. If he can't do those little things & his failure to do them makes you crazy, either resign yourself to never getting them or walk away to find somebody who will give them to you. I think I've been trying to tell myself this isn't true even though deep down I know it is. I used to be in a 7+ year long relationship with a guy who often accused me of not being romantic (I really wasn't). The problem, really, was that I just wasn't romantic for him and that never changed... I'd make genuine efforts for a while after we'd get in huge explosive fights but it never lasted and eventually we broke up... the next guy that came along got all my efforts without even having to ask. And the next guy was super romantic but also kind of a jerk where it really counted Given some of the other crappy problems I've read other people having, I feel like a complete bitch even thinking about breaking up with someone on account of them not being "romantic" enough. I mean, other people are in physically abusive relationships and getting cheated on and having horrible fights and I feel guilty like I'm taking something for granted when really it just feels so boring to me. He reached out to me today and was like, "I'm breaking through the barrier to let you know I made something for you this weekend" and my only thoughts were: 1) Making me something only after I get upset is super reactionary 2) Texting someone when there's been radio silence for 2 days using the word "breaking" is a terrible thing to do because it looks like "breaking up" when you glance at your phone. Edited February 16, 2015 by jazzybones
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Well, let us know what he made you. And then tell him that on a person's birthday, they get to so what THEY want to do, not what their SO is comfortable with. Donnivain is right though. Chances are he will never change and you'll have to drag it out of him, which totally defeats the purpose, which is to feel appreciated and loved.
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 It's wrong to just ignore the other person's needs because you're too lame to get it together to do something. I mean, any one of my friends would help me move furniture or come over if I asked because I was sick. That's basic human decency. But if he wants you to be something other than his mommy, he needs to act like a man and do romance and holidays and all that. He needs to step up. Agreed ^^ I do not believe in bending who you are to appease another person, but would it have killed him to put together a little party for your 30th? I mean, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50...etc. Those are kinda like 'landmarks' where people wanna do something special and you already expressed your likings. An intuitive and attentive person would pay attention to those things. I can only imagine how terrible the sex is/would be - cuz if he isn't paying attention to what turns you on, then OMG. Looks like we either have a mismatch in personalities/likes, he's not an attentive/intuitive person, or he just doesn't care. I guess it's time for a decision to be made if you want to continue with him. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Based upon the fact that he is putting forth some effort now, I'd be inclined to see if he can change. I give this as an example all the time. When I met DH & we were dating he'd get me these overly mush sentimental cards (which I don't really care for) but all he'd do is sign his name. No Dear Donnivain, No Love, Donnivain's BF / now DH. He wouldn't even date the things. Drove me up a wall. It was one of the few times I asked my MIL for advice about my marriage. All she said was he's just like his father (her EX-H) and you can't change me. I couldn't live with that so I set about teaching him how to sign a card. He still doesn't get why this is important to me but he does it. We had vastly different ideas about how one "did" holidays & special occasions. Fortunately, he was willing to come to celebrations that my family did do he got a much better idea of where my expectations were coming from because he saw my norm. I also saw his; his family did nothing. My family was over the top. We found some middle-ish ground. He's more on my side but I put up with less & he does a lot more especially on big years etc. For example, I threw him a 40th Birthday party almost 3 years ago. We had 200+ people, open bar for 5 hours & a live band. Many of his friends & family remarked that the party was bigger & more elaborate then their weddings. I simply smiled & thought to myself do you not remember our wedding which was way more elaborate then this birthday party? If he is actually trying, encourage him. If he was ignoring you, then I would say you have some tough choices to make but for now since he's doing something give him the benefit of the doubt. 3
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I keep expecting him to reach out or just do something unexpected to suddenly surprise me... but it just doesn't happen. Am I being like, super unreasonable? I love him, but I feel like this relationship is just completely drained of passion from his part and I just don't enjoy that. I agree with Donni on this one. The way your bf is now with regard to his complete and utter cluelessness and laziness with doing spontaneous and romantic gestures with you is the way it's going to be - forever. You can't change it; and, you can't change him into wanting to do these things. You've already explained it to him and discussed it with him ad nauseum. Any other guy who cared or who was intelligent enough and receptive enough to understand you would've stepped up to the "romantic" plate by now - and, he hasn't. My ex didn't have a romantic bone in his body. On V-Day last year, he took me to Pollo Tropical to eat dinner and then we went home, drank a little and played on the xbox. That was it. No flowers (or even a single flower). No card (or even a homemade card since money was kind of tight back then). No heart shaped box of chocolates. No declaration of love in ANY capacity. But, he did show his love for me in other ways and told me often that he loved me - and for me, that was enough. You can't force or encourage most men to be romantic; they either ARE or they AREN'T. Hopefully, the next guy I date or enter into a relationship with will be more romantic than my ex was. I mean, I'm not expecting limo rides, rose petals on the floor leading to the bed or a bouquet of flowers (um, unless he WANTS to do those things for me lol)! But, I would appreciate and would swoon if my next bf showed me SOME romance in SOME kind of way. I'm easy to please - and maybe, that was to my detriment with my ex. Since I never ever brought up or made a stink about him not ever being romantic with me, he probably took that as a sign that he didn't ever have to do anything romantic towards me. Some guys just show their love in other ways. And to some guys (like my ex), they're just not into romance of any kind. I won't make that same mistake again with the next guy that I date though. If he's not into any kind of romance - then he's outtie. You're NOT being unreasonable, OP. You want what you want. And, if you can LIVE with your bf not ever being romantic with you in any way, then keep him in your life. But, if you do that (which is called settling), be forewarned that doing this could cause you to resent him down the road. It could also cause temptation for you in the future if some other guy who IS romantic starts flirting with you. If romance is really an important thing to you and is a deal breaker, then you should probably break up with this guy and move on. If never having any romance in your life is something you can live with (without resenting him), then stay with him. Good luck. 2
todreaminblue Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 hey jazzybones, I agree with Donnivain if he is actually trying to give you what you want and is taking steps to change give him some leg groom, change doesnt normally happen overnight, not when it is ingrained, you love him really and you know he loves you so give him a go....i hope that he starts and continues to surprise you ....good luck...deb 1
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 My ex didn't have a romantic bone in his body. On V-Day last year, he took me to Pollo Tropical to eat dinner and then we went home, drank a little and played on the xbox. Lol!!! Pollo Tropical...how romantic!!! Lucky he didn't BYOB in paper bags into the establishment.... Now, if he bought it and like "served" it to you to with candles and stuff then, "maybe, maybe" he could have scored...lol. Look, I was in DC one time and was with a group and we went into this ghetto Popeyes. There was this chick and her guy, dressed like they were at home, all messy and uncombed hair (both of them) and were just chomping away. I guess it was "date nite" for them... They were sooo groosssss
Ruby Slippers Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I agree that if he changes, he won't change much, so you need to decide if you can accept him the way he is now or not. You can teach him and encourage him, but he's not going to change dramatically. I tried to stick with a good guy who wasn't very romantic with me, and I couldn't do it, as I never really felt loved and appreciated. It's a romantic relationship, so I feel that if you don't have romance, what's the point? 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Lol!!! Pollo Tropical...how romantic!!! Lucky he didn't BYOB in paper bags into the establishment.... Now, if he bought it and like "served" it to you to with candles and stuff then, "maybe, maybe" he could have scored...lol. Look, I was in DC one time and was with a group and we went into this ghetto Popeyes. There was this chick and her guy, dressed like they were at home, all messy and uncombed hair (both of them) and were just chomping away. I guess it was "date nite" for them... They were sooo groosssss Yeah, Pollo Tropical isn't what I'd call a romantic place to take your significant other out to eat on Valentines Day lol. But, it was the gesture that counted with me. Prior to this night, he had helped me (and my children) through a very difficult financial moment in my life; he literally "saved the day" and took all of my stress away - that meant more to me than anything else he could've bought for me on Valentines Day. He really did have a heart of gold; it just didn't work out between us. Also to his credit: on my birthday last year, he bought me the Twilight: Breaking Dawn Edition DVD with a movie poster, which really touched my heart because he did something that he knew that I was into. He has also made me delicious crab and lobster dinners just for the two of us and has also done basically anything and everything I've ever asked him to do (such as car repairs, household repairs, etc.) or even if I mentioned something that I wished I had or wished I could have done - he immediately went out and did it - just for me. That was how he showed his love for me. Hopefully, if I ever find a guy that was that caring and considerate of what I wanted and needed, this future guy will also have at least ONE romantic bone in his body lol
Author jazzybones Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Wow! Thanks for all the help everyone! I'm not sure what he made for me yet... so I can't answer for that. But I definitely have some decision-making to do regardless. I'm more inclined to believe others who say that if he changes, it won't be a significant change... but I'm going to give it some time before deciding anyway. Romance is important to me, especially in *this* relationship because he never wants to get married or have kids (I'm fairly indifferent to the kids thing but the no marriage thing is a bit odd to me--I'm pretty sure this is why his previous girlfriends have broken up with him) and I can't logically explain it but I feel like if you aren't going to have the other two, you may as well step up the romance to make up for what isn't going to happen, otherwise it just kind of feels like a friends with benefits situation.
Author jazzybones Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) So update on this, or lack thereof rather, it's been like 5 days since I've seen him. Aside from that brief exchange on Monday via text, I've heard nothing from him. He continues to like/fav/RT/whatever things I post on social media... but he's making 0 initiative. I realized that the last time we were together I had said, "I'd like some time alone" at the end of that whole exchange because I felt like we both needed to just calm down and approach things objectively, but usually when people say that, it's understood that they mean like... a couple of hours, not 5 whole days... and given the nature of the discussion being that he's so passive about everything, it feels like the ball is really in his court, not mine. Or am I approaching this all wrong? I don't want to play weird mind games or anything with him, but given that I've already laid all the cards on the table and told him exactly what I want, this is the point where I should be calling him and calling things off, right? Edit: This is the longest he's ever gone without contacting me, which makes everything feel really weird. I don't have any reason to think he's upset with me since we ended that discussion from Saturday with him admitting that I'm right and the fact that he supposedly made something for me, but I don't know... Edited February 18, 2015 by jazzybones
preraph Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Wow! Thanks for all the help everyone! I'm not sure what he made for me yet... so I can't answer for that. But I definitely have some decision-making to do regardless. I'm more inclined to believe others who say that if he changes, it won't be a significant change... but I'm going to give it some time before deciding anyway. Romance is important to me, especially in *this* relationship because he never wants to get married or have kids (I'm fairly indifferent to the kids thing but the no marriage thing is a bit odd to me--I'm pretty sure this is why his previous girlfriends have broken up with him) and I can't logically explain it but I feel like if you aren't going to have the other two, you may as well step up the romance to make up for what isn't going to happen, otherwise it just kind of feels like a friends with benefits situation. I completely agree with that part I bolded. Otherwise, you're right, it's more of a parent/child or roommate situation. Not having kids opens the door to living an exciting life and doing things many have trouble doing, and there's no point to it if you're just going to sit around like lumps. You want a fulfilling relationship. That's just not too much to ask. A person should enhance your life, not suck the life out of you.
preraph Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 If you told him you need some space, you could break the silence and see if he wants to talk. 2
Author jazzybones Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 If you told him you need some space, you could break the silence and see if he wants to talk. I don't know why I didn't think of putting it that way. I'm already sort of having the conversation (in all the directions it could go) in my head and realizing in the 5 days, that a lot of the monotony that applies to his and my relationship could also be said for other areas of his life... I'm starting to wonder if maybe this isn't just who he is but someone he's unfortunately grown into due to lack of personal investment in himself (not that I'm excusing it, just trying to make sense of it) When we first met, he was talking about how he wanted to travel to New Zealand and do a bunch of other things, and he did some of the things he said he wanted to do but then kind of just.... stopped. We've traveled together internationally but every time, I've had to invite him to go with me. And recently, his inner circle of friends all moved away without him together as a group--I think in the past they would have asked him to go with them but he's been so distant from them lately. It's not my problem to sort out for him, I know, but I feel like I should probably bring these things up even if things between him and me don't work out.
Author jazzybones Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) What a difficult conversation that was to have, but I'm really glad I did. I think that might have been the first time I really have ever explained my concerns to him about the state of our relationship in terms of a bigger picture, explaining what exactly my needs are, what I want out of the relationship, asking him if he's happy with how his life is going, and if he feels like the things going on in his life and in our relationship actually feel good for him. I was kind of surprised. He cried a little, was a tiny bit in denial I admit for a moment, but I tried really hard to talk to him understanding both his side of things and mine and I feel like it got him to let his guard down with me and open up a bit more so that we got a more solid understanding of how we were both feeling about the lack of romance, but he said he finally could understand and see exactly how I was feeling about stuff (I mentioned the whole "if you don't want marriage or kids, it seems like romance should be a priority or else we don't have much" and I think that really opened his eyes because he said that made perfect sense) He pointed out that our perspectives on things are different--I need excitement, whereas, in his words, "I'm totally smitten and content with you even if we're doing absolutely nothing." But he agreed we could stand to compromise and meet at a middle ground there to start, pointing out that I needed to be a bit less rough around the edges if I'm expecting romance It felt really good and I think that's the most open I've ever seen him, so I'm going to try to work through this and see how it goes, since this was a far more positive interaction than previous times. I think we talked for a good 3 hours... about everything. Edit: The thing he ended up making for me was a carved wooden heart with my initial carved into it. Edited February 19, 2015 by jazzybones 1
PinkCarnations Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) I'm going through the same dilemma, except my relationship/situation isn't as serious as yours. The guy Im dating (although not officially) got deployed a couple months ago, and we have gotten pretty close while he's at sea. I already sent him two care packages, putting a lot of thought, effort, and money into them, and the last one included a Valentine's day card. When he received it (a week before v-day), he said thanks for reminding him about valentines day. I figured he would send me flowers or something to reciprocate my thiughtfulness & generosity, but sure enough, nothing came for me. It sucks because I sent him a Christmas package and vday package but he didn't send me anything for my birthday, Christmas, or Vday. When he messaged me post v-day, I just ignored him. I don't think he understands why and didn't ask, and I'm still trying to figure out what to say to him. I wanna let him know why I'm mad and that I'm going to break things off if he doesn't do something to make up to me.. But not sure how to convey that without sounding like I'm nagging Ugh Alright, sorry, I had to vent, now back to your situation. i think you should ask yourself what you really want.. Do you want to feel like crap on your birthday and disappointed on valentines day for the rest of your life? IF it were me, I wouldn't be happy and would have definitely broken up after the birthday situation! Doesn't seem like he sees why he should change or is willing to. Time to move on. Edited February 19, 2015 by PinkCarnations
Author jazzybones Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 I'm going through the same dilemma, except my relationship/situation isn't as serious as yours. The guy Im dating (although not officially) got deployed a couple months ago, and we have gotten pretty close while he's at sea. I already sent him two care packages, putting a lot of thought, effort, and money into them, and the last one included a Valentine's day card. When he received it (a week before v-day), he said thanks for reminding him about valentines day. I figured he would send me flowers or something to reciprocate my thiughtfulness & generosity, but sure enough, nothing came for me. It sucks because I sent him a Christmas package and vday package but he didn't send me anything for my birthday, Christmas, or Vday. When he messaged me post v-day, I just ignored him. I don't think he understands why and didn't ask, and I'm still trying to figure out what to say to him. I wanna let him know why I'm mad and that I'm going to break things off if he doesn't do something to make up to me.. But not sure how to convey that without sounding like I'm nagging Ugh Alright, sorry, I had to vent, now back to your situation. i think you should ask yourself what you really want.. Do you want to feel like crap on your birthday and disappointed on valentines day for the rest of your life? IF it were me, I wouldn't be happy and would have definitely broken up after the birthday situation! Doesn't seem like he sees why he should change or is willing to. Time to move on. I didn't feel like he saw why he should change the previous time we spoke about it, but after tonight, I feel like it got through to him finally. Sure, it's lame that those things even were like that to start, but I can either forgive them and move on or not... after a year and a half with someone, especially with all of the other things we've been through together, and given really how different this went, I'm willing to see how things go... we'd been together just over a year when the birthday thing happened, so even then as disappointing as it was, breaking up wouldn't have just been like a simple "peace out, you suck!" in the same way as it might if we had been going out for a month or two. Either way, I'm keeping my eyes open more this time.
Rita86 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Did I miss something? Why is everyone here acting like he's the bad guy for not organising your bday party. If you wanted a bday party so bad why didn't you organise it yourself? You ended up spending your bday alone not because your boyfbriend didn't organise a bday party for you but because you didn't call up any friends to get together. I wouldn't expect anyone to throw me a party. I could ask for help sure. But relying on him to doo everything (call your friends etc.) is a bit too much. Also there's a big difference in saying I want a bday party / I want you to organise a bday party for me. Imagine if the bday party was a disaster. You would then hold him responsible for it. Maybe it's difference in culture but next time organise your own bday party so dnt end up alone on your bday (unless by party ou meant just you & your bf)
Author jazzybones Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) Did I miss something? Why is everyone here acting like he's the bad guy for not organising your bday party. If you wanted a bday party so bad why didn't you organise it yourself? You ended up spending your bday alone not because your boyfbriend didn't organise a bday party for you but because you didn't call up any friends to get together. I wouldn't expect anyone to throw me a party. I could ask for help sure. But relying on him to doo everything (call your friends etc.) is a bit too much. Also there's a big difference in saying I want a bday party / I want you to organise a bday party for me. Imagine if the bday party was a disaster. You would then hold him responsible for it. Maybe it's difference in culture but next time organise your own bday party so dnt end up alone on your bday (unless by party ou meant just you & your bf) I think it must be a cultural difference. It's pretty common, at least where I'm from, for people close to you to be the ones who organize other people's birthday parties, often making them surprise parties. At least in my (and his) group of friends, no one ever organizes their own birthday party (well, not entirely true, one of my friends organized her own this year... but she had a very distinct set of plans so I don't blame her). But this is especially true for like, milestone type birthdays... 20, 25, 30, etc, because they're typical a big deal. If I had known he was going to do nothing, I would have organized one entirely on my own, but since he asked what I wanted and I told him and he never said anything, including asking me to help organize more beyond that, it's very easy to be led to think he was doing all the planning himself. I don't really blame myself at all there for assuming since that's how it's always been with me and our friends. Edited February 19, 2015 by jazzybones
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Oh for god's sake...it was her birthday...never mind her 30th...he could have...and should have ... done *something* even if he didn't feel up to organizing a party. Sheesh. Instead he goes out with his friends? Really??? Leaving her to spend it by herself? Come on now peeps that's just wrong on soooo many levels... OP bless your heart for hanging in...if it were me, his passiveness and overall nonchalant attitude about you and the relationship would have turned me off way before that even happened.... If you choose to stay...expect more of the same. Oh he may step up for awhile.. but really he's only doing that because you asked.. and what's the point of that? A woman shouldn't have to ask a man to care about her *more*...or to love her *more* ...or to do the little things that show he cares...when a man cares, he instinctively *wants* to do those things...all on his own from his heart. I don't buy that he's just clueless. He KNOWS what to do, he just doesn't (or didn't) want to. He wasn't feeling it..he didn't care. He's lazy and for me that's a dealbreaker. OP... you sound like a great gal who doesn't wish to settle ... and IMO you shouldn't! But good luck with whatever you decide to do... 1
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