Have I missed my chance with him?

[Emsi12000]

I have a situation that I really need advice on.

 

I'm at uni and I really like my lecturer (I'm in my 30s so no age issues). I know that he liked me. Let's call him John. He was making an effort to get to talk to me around the uni, he was often around where I was and he tried to flirt with me on several occasions etc. However, at the time he was doing all this this I was already liking someone else and wasn't sure if I liked John or not at that time.

 

The guy I liked was his friend and John knew about it. His friend used to flirt and be really friendly with me a while ago but stopped when John started to show that he was interested in me. I felt bad that his friend had stopped flirting with me as it felt like a rejection and things became awkward between myself and the other guy. I was also upset over some other personal health stuff too. I wasn't upset because I was really really into his friend but just because I liked him as a person and felt sad that the friendliness between us was lost and things were awkward. His friend had started doing stuff like sitting with his back to me and turning his head away from me which felt very hurtful.

 

John saw me upset and came to assume that it was something to do with his friend and I think he was left with the impression that I was cut up over his friend. We weren't directly verbally communicating at the time and I didn't have the opportunity to explain to him the actual reasons why I was upset. During this time I saw John but only around other people in the public areas, he tried to joke about it all and make funny jokes about how I could have fancied his friend when he was much more sexy than him etc.

 

At this time he was still making it clear he was interested in me. However I didn't feel right to just go from his friend straight to him. I didn't want John to feel like I was just going to him because his friend wasn't interested anymore. I was also still just feeling low because of my own personal stuff and wasn't able to be receptive to him at that time. I just wasn't feeling good enough about myself to be receptive to him.

 

At a certain point about a week later John started to look really upset and his behaviour changed, he was still ok with me but he wasn't making jokes anymore and looked sad. I tried to put my own stuff aside and look ok so as it didn't make him feel any worse.

 

Eventually after the last class before Xmas break We both stayed behind to talk to each other and we had a really nice casual chat. I showed him that I cared about him, what he was doing for Xmas etc, that he wasn't alone etc. I also told him that I planned to go away and just casually chatted. I felt it was important to show him that I was a person with my own life etc. He was really flirting and making his attraction for me clear, I was really warm and caring with him but because I didn't feel totally ready I can't say that I was really flirting with him.

 

I felt really good after that conversation and thought that we had left things on a good note. Over Xmas break I thought about John a lot and realised that it was him that I wanted and had the idea that when we returned for the start of term we could start something.

 

Neither John nor I had each other's contact details (other than uni email account),(he is on Facebook but I don't use my full name so he couldn't have found me) so we didn't have contact over the 5 week break.

 

When we started uni again in January I was feeling a bit nervous wondering about if he would still like me or not so when I saw him in his classroom for the first time I was guarded and was just waiting to see his reaction and if there was any indication that he was still interested. My immediate reaction was that things seemed slightly different, he didn't seem quite as attentive as he used to be, he didn't seem really really excited to see me. But then again nor did I even though inside I was. Eventually he looked at me and things were ok- ish. At the end of the class he seemed to move in the direction of the door as I was approaching the door as if he might be going to talk to me or waiting for me to talk to him, but as I was so unsure of his body language etc and things seemed a bit different so i just gave him an unsure smile and he did the same and I walked on out the door without talking to him.

 

A few days after that I saw his friend in the lift and things were really awkward between us and I was hostile with him, not because I was still into him but because I didn't like how he had handled everything with turning his back to me and facing away from me etc. It had been hurtful.

 

The next day I had a class with John and again he seemed a bit different. Things were still reasonably friendly, he was ok-ish with me and I caught him looking at me a couple of times when he thought I wasn't looking.

 

He then made some jokes for the class. He teaches optics and in the context of making an academic point, he put a picture on the board and talked about his "girlfriend" being in the picture when there was no woman actually in the picture. It was one of those comments that may have or may not have been true. At the time I was feeling confused and started to panic that he may actually have met someone over Xmas.

 

The following day we were meant to have individual feedback sessions with him to go over our exams results. I had put my name down for a slot with no other students coming after me for over 1 hour. However, he didn't turn up for any of the students that day and sent an email the following day apologising saying something had come up and sent a new list of times. I had been put down for a slot like all the other students with another student immediately following me.

 

In the meantime, I had felt stupid that I had been so hostile with his friend and had sent his friend a personal email to apologise for my behaviour and told him something personal about me in my explanation for my behaviour.

 

I was feeling really nervous about the next class with John as I guess I kind of knew maybe he would know that I shared something personal with his friend. I had arranged to sit at the back of the class with my friends so as not to be alone. I normally sit somewhere near the front. I didn't look at John when I entered and my friend talked to me as I entered and therefore my back got turned to him. I noticed that John left the classroom briefly at this time.

 

On the day of the rescheduled meeting I went to John's office and was a few minutes late. This would have been the first ever opportunity for us to be in a private place together and I had hoped that this might be an opportunity to start something, exchange phone numbers and arrange to go out for a drink or something.

 

All our previous interactions had taken place in the public area. Immediately at his office door he was in a bad mood, he accused me of being an hour late when I was only 5-10mins late but then I wondered if he was winding me up. He wasn't even going to let me come in at first so I got irritated and said "forget it" and started to walk off but then he said ok and to come in.

 

Once I had entered he became slightly nice but didn't flirt at all. He kept saying he was in a hurry and that other students would be coming soon. I already knew the students with appointments after me were not coming so he lied by saying they were. I tried to ask him about certain bits of work and he was really short with me, like he wanted me out of his office ASAP.

 

I eventually got irritated with him. I noticed that his eyes widened and he started to look a little excited after I got irritated and really assertive with him. I felt that he couldn't hide his attraction at that point.

 

I didn't have the opportunity to ask him all the questions I needed to about work. In the end I got so irritated with his unhelpful attitude I just pulled a face at him and walked out of his office. Shortly after I sent him an angry email containing all the questions I didn't have a chance to ask and swore at him. I couldn't believe that he actually responded and did answer my questions.

 

Anyway I've seen him twice since then. The first time I initially blanked him as I want sure how things would be. He was also busy in a lab but did try to look at me a couple of times. Afterwards he seemed to say hello to me in the public area but because my eyesight isn't great I couldn't tell if he was talking to me or the girl next to me. The last time I saw him, he did look at me but I didn't really look at him.

 

So after this long ramble. If I like him and I want us to get to know each other properly and go out together is the situation redeemable? If so, how? Is it too late or do you think he might still be interested? What can I do?

 

Thanks

[OrangeParty]

Most universities prohibit faculty-student romantic relationships, especially where there is a clear power differential. I urge you to consider that very carefully before making your next move.

[Emsi12000]

Yeah I see what you mean. There isn't a really strict rule on this, they just say that if a lecturer is actually teaching a student or marking assessments etc then it's not allowed. But they say if something does happen after they finished teaching you then it's not totally forbidden!

 

But rules aside - have I lost my chance with him?

[BetrayedH]

He might still be interested but considering that he's put himself out there so many times (only to get rejection or weird responses from you), he's not putting himself out there anymore.

 

If you want something with him, you're going to have to stop being so tentative and you're going to have to take the initiative. You seem to keep wanting to see some commitment from him but aren't willing to show interest yourself. Personally, I'd be tired of it and annoyed by now and I'd think you were just playing games with me.

 

I'd be direct if I were you. I'd apologize that you've been so flaky and ask if you can make it up to him over a nice lunch. His response will tell you your answer.

[Toodaloo]

To be honest Emsi - your behaviour has been really off the wall and flip flappy.

 

Cut the emotional stuff out and all the chopping and changing.

 

Factiods

1. he is your lecturer

2. its forbidden

 

so stop putting him in an awkward position

[Emsi12000]

Yeah I have been flaky but I also had my own stuff going on. I would hope that he can understand that if He will give me the chance to explain it to him. Sometimes people are just not in the right place at that time to start anything.

 

Do you think I should text him now to or wait another 2 weeks until I see him again in person?

 

Is it better to let things settle for a few weeks or for me to do something as soon as possible?

 

 

Thanks - all advice appreciated

[BetrayedH]

Yeah I have been flaky but I also had my own stuff going on. I would hope that he can understand that if He will give me the chance to explain it to him. Sometimes people are just not in the right place at that time to start anything.

 

Do you think I should text him now to or wait another 2 weeks until I see him again in person?

 

Is it better to let things settle for a few weeks or for me to do something as soon as possible?

 

Thanks - all advice appreciated

 

Your call on that one. If you wanted to text now, I'd keep it simple. "Hope you've been doing well. I wanted to apologize that I've been hard to read and indecisive. Maybe I can make it up to you over a nice lunch when we get back?"

 

Or you can do it in person.