LadyCapricorn081 Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I think I am in need of some advice from someone who has already been where I am at... This is the first time I have been on this chat... Sorry my story is so long! In Dec. My H and I were having some issues.... We were not communicating and he decided to stay with his parents until we could figure something's out... He then had a friend ( I didn't know about) at work.... They would talk through Text message on his Cell phone.. ( my in laws pay for our Cell phone bill So I had no way of knowing he was doing this) They would talk for hours and had over 500 text in 1 month between them both. I had no idea he was talking to this girl. I wanted him to come home because I truly love him with all my heart... and I know he does too... I am having a hard time getting over this. He did sleep with her.. he says once... I know he stayed over at her house at least 3 nights. and I do believe she cared possibly loved my husband. She was aware that we were having problems and that he was in love with me. She was there for him as a friend and she was having the communicating that him and I should have had. Around the 20th of dec. He came over for dinner with our 3 year old son. After we put him to bed we were talking... he told me that Lisa was a lesbian and all of this... I believed him.. He had never given me reason not too... That night we were getting "involved" and during the process he asked me if I wanted to be with anyone else... I stopped him and said No.. Your the only person I want to be with... that upset me so I stopped it all together because I knew then... that he was hiding something. He has never hidden anything from me... I did have a lot of support from my friends at work. They gave me a lot of advice for what I was about to go through... He came home on the 22nd... he choose me.. She thought that he was going to live with her and take care of her kids... she even had his clothes in a dresser ready for him... ( how sweet~ So he came home I still had my feelings and I asked about it and he would blow me off... I pushed it until he left the house again.. I told him... if you didn't do anything with her than let me talk to her... I knew then that he did. New Years eve... I go up to his work ( a hospital) and ask him to meet me outside we had a lot to talk about... he did... and when we were together she is texting him and then he set it up for us to meet... I was finally going to hear it.. she told me that they were just friends... and I looked at him and I thought That I was wrong... Why would she tell me that??? someone please answer that... So.. I let it go... then H got sick and was in the hospital for a few days... I went up there on my lunch break to find her in his room.... I had a feeling too... I told myself in the elv. what are you going to do if she is there?? I would walk out cause it's not worth it.... as I am walking out my h says' where are you going? and I look at her and he tells her to leave.. (Yes!!) then his cell phone breaks... and it is at home.. I had the day off and he is getting test done at the hospt. to see what is wrong with him.... I get sneaky and put his SIM card in my cell phone... he had 2 new text messages from her.. So I played like I was him and then his phone rings... it's her... I answer and she then tells me that they did and that it was mind blowing! I was so hurt... I loved him and I always thought that if someone was going to cheat it would have been me... So time passes... we seek counseling... everything is getting better except me... I still have my thoughts... I take it upon myself to text her... we then start talking over E-mail .. My work e-mail... so I had to watch myself... she then asked me if I was going to use this as ammo for him.. because I told her that he didn't know... Well then I told him... he wasn't to happy.. she found him at work and told him about it and e-mailed me with this... :::: "I did talk to H and told him the exact thing I am telling you. Like the adult I am I will not kiss and tell. This has nothing to do with me. Please forget my number, email address, and name. This is a waste of my time" I have left it alone for a month...l but I still have things to say to her and ask her... Please give me some advice because I feel like I can't get over this... I think about them before I sleep and everything... I really feel like this is controlling my life and relationship with my H. I know they don't speak now... but They do still work together at the same hospital and during the same times.... I wanted to get the text messages so I can read them for myself... I have been reading a lot of post and I am one of the women who wants to know everything. I need to know everything so I can heal... but What if everything is stopping me... please Help!!! Desperate Wife~ Searching for the truth! BB
Author LadyCapricorn081 Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 I don't think so... They do still work together... SO I guess he could be... but I don't know... I know they don't talk on his cell anymore cause I have a way of seeing his bill now... but if they talk at work... or on work phones I guess I won't know
tiki Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 You need to be directing the questions to HIM, not HER. He's the one with the obligation to you, she, OTOH, owes you NADA. Make him cut off contact with her. ALL contact with her. He can get another job if his marriage means this much to him. If he won't, he's not worth it. He's YOUR husband and his obligation should be solely to YOU, not some other woman. I'd lay down the law and tell him to take it or leave it. He may leave it. But you've put up with far too much already - more than I would have anyway. Be firm and strong. Stick to your words. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I do believe she cared possibly loved my husband. She was aware that we were having problems and that he was in love with me. She was there for him as a friend and she was having the communicating that him and I should have had. This is WHY she is NOT going to tell you anything. She isn't stupid and definately doesn't care what you think or feel. You need the answers from him. Who cares what she felt for him...What matters is WHAT he felt for her and why. Read through some of the other threads in this section, I think some will help. Dazed, Thumbs, Owl etc ... He needs to come clean with you and fast. I agree with what Tiki said - Be firm and stick to it.
izzybelle Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 i agree with the others but i have to admit that i'm a little concerned that you seem more concerned with the fact that she's not giving you the answers.... as others have said, that info should be coming from your H. regardless i think BOTH of you need to go NC with the OW. you're just going to continue to beat your head against the wall looking for answers from her that she probably won't give you. if you're asking him to put her out of his life, you'll need to do the same. the more you're in contact with her, the more you're still keeping her in his life. I aplogize for sounding so harsh, but i do think that if you want to save your marriage put your focus there.
Author LadyCapricorn081 Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 What is NC? and I have asked him... most of the time I get my answers.... but then I get the I don't remembers too.....
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 NC is No Contact. but then I get the I don't remembers too..... He then is sparing your feelings...Problem is he HAS to come clean..With it all, for yoursake. Why hold back now? You're hurting anyway - Might as well put it all out there ... Waiting 6 months then saying it all again will just make it worse...Just read what Dazed wrote today in his thread. Then you'll know... Keep on him. Make him tell you everything. You are not the one who is in the wrong - He is.
tiki Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 He's playing you. And you're letting him. This is crap!!!
Owl Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Here's my thoughts. One...no point in talking with her...basically, she's the enemy. She's wanting your husband, you want your husband. She has no interest in helping you....recognize that, and drive on. Two...everyone here is right: your HUSBAND is the one who owes you answers. At this point, he's probably still in withdrawl (the affair is a LOT like an addiction...it's very hard to end, and the loss of her is like trying to quit drinking...that is one reason why NC (no contact) is so important in ending the affair). He's not wanting to answer your questions...he's following the script that ALL WS (wayward spouses) follow...first deny, then minimize, then blame your partner. Next step will be to make this all of your fault, which of course is a crock of doodoo. Three...The ONLY way you're going to get the answers is to insist that he start MC (marriage counseling). You need to go, for several reasons. There is a reason why he had the affair...most likely, he was looking for something from her that he SHOULD have been getting from you...and the two of you need to start working together to figure out what those things are. At the same time, there are things that HE needs to start doing for YOU...those too need to be identified and an action plan developed to make sure that they get met. Take a look over at the marriagebuilders website...there's tons of good info there as well. You'll learn a lot about the 'script' I referred too, as well as ways to start the healing process. Keep posting here too tho...there are a lot of wise (NOT ME!!) people here who can help you out. Good luck friend!
StillHurtin Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I am so very sorry. I too have been where you are at 2 years ago. The OW involved w/ my H also would not give me any answers. When I first contacted her I heard the rumors and thought she would like to know what was going around in order to protect her own H from them. She told me that her and H were just friends and she knew we were going through problems, blah, blah, blah. She wouldn't admit to having feelings for him. You wont get the answers you want/need from the OW, your H needs to give you the answers you are looking for. My H filed for a D but was having second thoughts (heard that from him and the OW). I told him I heard all the rumors, asked him how he could do that to me, and if he really wanted the D why couldn't he wait until the D was final b4 he decided to jump into bed w/ someone else. It made me feel like he didn't really love me and that he was willing to leave our 11 year marriage to jump right into another relationship w/o giving himself time to go through the traumatic time of D. The last thing I wanted was to find another man to replace him, why didn't he feel the same way? I finally kicked his cheating a$$ out the door and went on w/ my life. I moved away w/ our two children and started a new life over w/o him and it hurt like he!! but I had no choice, he wanted her and not me anymore, I wasn't going to fight anymore. Exactly a month later H called me and said he wanted the M to work and he made a huge mistake. He begged for several weeks for me to take him back. He still worked w/ the OW and I hated that. There was no way I was going to move back to the same town where the OW lived and deal w/ him working w/ her every day even though it was over between them. Eventually the OW got him fired from his job and he got a new one where our kids and I live. I suggest that you two separate and seek counseling for awhile. Maybe he just needs time away from the M to find out what he really wants. If he wants to make the M work he will go to counseling and he will find another job. I wish you the best. I know how you feel. I wanted answers, and all of them too. I needed them to start healing. Keep posting here, it's a great support site.
Mr Spock Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 You may never get anything out of her-you're her competition-be thankful she's at least stating she wants nothing more to do with either of you. So many people fail to realize that gaining information is NOT a victory if you have to ferret it out yourself. All it is then is confirmation of your fears. I was so hurt... I loved him and I always thought that if someone was going to cheat it would have been me... A rude awakening then, wasn't it? That sounds like a healthy relationship to me. Sigh.
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