Hopeful30 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 After doing a lot of reading, I realized that one of my main problems with men (why I can never find one I really like) is because often I will judge a man based on his exes. For example, if a man has a string of slutty exes, I will feel like he isn't good enough for me if any "easy" girl will do. Also, if he has dated a really crappy girl (shes mean or rude, for example), I will also feel like he is 'beneath' me simply because "who dates horrible people like that?". Am I completely out of line? Am I being too harsh? I know we all have exes we regret, but Ive never been with a horrible person, and I feel if a man has stuck around to have a relationship with a horrible person (meaning rude, a bitch, mean to everyone) , then I have trouble seeing any value in him. A REAL man wouldn't tolerate anyone like that, let alone a romantic partner. Thoughts?
Versacehottie Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 i think it's part of a fair assessment of the other person. Though you should be open to people who have grown from their past experiences and relationships. I think it goes both ways--in that guys who have dated a "good" girl prior, or someone that other girls admire for some reason or another, will get more subsequent attention from girls and of a higher caliber. 2
smackie9 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 A good woman can bring the best out of a man. My husband dated a bunch of high maintenance crazies before me. He adjusted well. He became a changed man when we started dating and everyone said so. 1
preraph Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I think it depends on a lot of variables, but it can tell you something about them. For example one I know is FAR too easily manipulated by a crying woman. I knew his second wife was the devils' spawn and I was right. Found out the other night she wound up in prison for fraud. She used to always literally cry on his male friend's shoulders trying to get sympathy, and I imagine that's how she snagged him too. 3
carhill Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Thoughts? I'm unclear how this occurs. As an example, there's around a million people in my general area and my ex-wife is one of them. How would any woman I meet be able to ascertain with any reasonable certainty what kind of a person she was, or is? A couple of friend's wives are still clients of hers so they know her from a business perspective but how would they have a clue as to what goes on in her bedroom, or did while we were married? I guess she could tell them and then it's up to them whether to believe her or not. I just can't see such scrutiny occurring in any meaningful and, more importantly, verifiable, manner. Perhaps you could clarify that part. 4
No Limit Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 You're not alone. If a guy has had crazies, easies, slutties or mainly hunted the married 'for sport' - I'd be wary, at best. 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I'm unclear how this occurs. As an example, there's around a million people in my general area and my ex-wife is one of them. How would any woman I meet be able to ascertain with any reasonable certainty what kind of a person she was, or is? A couple of friend's wives are still clients of hers so they know her from a business perspective but how would they have a clue as to what goes on in her bedroom, or did while we were married? I guess she could tell them and then it's up to them whether to believe her or not. I just can't see such scrutiny occurring in any meaningful and, more importantly, verifiable, manner. Perhaps you could clarify that part. I socialize in small communities, so more it less everyone knows each other. Perhaps not intimately, but i have a taste for people. You ever have those moments when you learn two people had a romantic past, and youre so surprised because they seem so different and mismatched? Thats kinda what I feel when i find out men i like have dated women who are...not nice. Does that clear things up? Lol
preraph Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 ^ Yeah, me too. My life is a very tangled vine. I knew that info from both personally and professionally and observing it myself over time and hearing about it. That woman married two guys I knew very well.
kendahke Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I think that everyone has their own time tables and saturation points for when they throw in the towel on a relationship with what someone else may call a 'difficult' person. Just because you would have kicked them to the curb based upon your own personal preferences or a list doesnt' mean they have to follow exactly what you do. His life experiences determine how much he will take before he makes a break. What one person would call "rude" or "bitchy", someone else may call "assertive" and "standing up for herself". It all depends upon the person and what their tolerances are. I wouldn't outright dismiss someone over an ex--someone they're no longer dealing with. I'd dismiss them if they were still emotionally tied to that person and not over their relationship and are still allowing that person to run their life. 2
wb1988 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 It's a factor, but I wouldn't write off a person based on that specifically. 2
Woggle Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Anybody can be fooled once but if a guy has a habit of dating no good women then he might now know how to handle a healthy relationship. Sure I made a big mistake with my first marriage but I never made that mistake again. A lot of guys and people in general never learn. 4
Buddhist Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Am I completely out of line? Am I being too harsh? A REAL man wouldn't tolerate anyone like that, let alone a romantic partner. Thoughts? Yes I think you are out of line, mostly because your prejudices seem to stem from some sense of superiority to the other person. What's a REAL man btw? I'm pretty sure anyone born with a penis is indeed a real man. If you are looking for the faultless one you will be looking a long time. If you have exes then clearly there is baggage you are toting too. How do you know others aren't making equally subjective knee-jerk judgements about you based on those? Would you like to be judged based on the perceived quality of your exes? It's a human trait to get on a tall pony and believe our faeces smell of roses. In all honesty, we are all as flawed as each other. There is plenty of ugly for us all within waiting for us to deal with, to ensure we don't need to go about looking for ugly outside of ourselves too. We don't know the history of a person, what they've overcome in their life and what they have learned either. Maybe that guy with the bitchy ex-girlfriend learned to discriminate better from the experience, have more compassion for others and lost his own inner bitch in the process. Looking at exes means you only see the road someone has taken, you still know nothing about their journey. 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Yes I think you are out of line, mostly because your prejudices seem to stem from some sense of superiority to the other person. What's a REAL man btw? I'm pretty sure anyone born with a penis is indeed a real man. If you are looking for the faultless one you will be looking a long time. If you have exes then clearly there is baggage you are toting too. How do you know others aren't making equally subjective knee-jerk judgements about you based on those? Would you like to be judged based on the perceived quality of your exes? It's a human trait to get on a tall pony and believe our faeces smell of roses. In all honesty, we are all as flawed as each other. There is plenty of ugly for us all within waiting for us to deal with, to ensure we don't need to go about looking for ugly outside of ourselves too. We don't know the history of a person, what they've overcome in their life and what they have learned either. Maybe that guy with the bitchy ex-girlfriend learned to discriminate better from the experience, have more compassion for others and lost his own inner bitch in the process. Looking at exes means you only see the road someone has taken, you still know nothing about their journey. Thank you for this.
Gloria25 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I've dated a lot of duds, and I still have trouble figuring out the male species... But, also, my dating decisions were fueled by age, time in my life, knowledge, experiences, etc. So, I think you should take into consideration someone's dating past - but just like any other thing you learn about them - you have to know if they have matured, learned, etc and evolved. Kinda like a job. They put you on a probationary period. So, they're evaluating you to see if what you claimed you can do on your resume is actually true. 2
oldshirt Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Yeah I get what you are saying but you must keep in mind that these are exes. These are the ones that didn't make the grade. Here is the irony to that concept, by your rationale the guy who is worthy is the guy who is currently involved with someone who is just like. therefor you must either try to steal him away from someone like you but why should he do that since he would just be trading someone just like you for you. There is no upgrade to that in it for him. and if he was involved with someone superior to you, then he would be dumb to jump to you. you are fighting a losing battle with that one. I suggest you adopt some different selection criteria. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 After doing a lot of reading, I realized that one of my main problems with men (why I can never find one I really like) is because often I will judge a man based on his exes. For example, if a man has a string of slutty exes, I will feel like he isn't good enough for me if any "easy" girl will do. Also, if he has dated a really crappy girl (shes mean or rude, for example), I will also feel like he is 'beneath' me simply because "who dates horrible people like that?". Am I completely out of line? Am I being too harsh? I know we all have exes we regret, but Ive never been with a horrible person, and I feel if a man has stuck around to have a relationship with a horrible person (meaning rude, a bitch, mean to everyone) , then I have trouble seeing any value in him. A REAL man wouldn't tolerate anyone like that, let alone a romantic partner. Thoughts? In truth, you are probably saving yourself a lot of grief. For it is the saaaaaaaaaaaaame people, over and over again, who end up on Jerry Springer, and not typically the decent ones (who do not gen-er-al-ly date "horrible people"). Think of it like being a high school student, and selecting your top 3 college choices. Unless you desire a considerably specialized degree, the exact school among your top several choices isn't really that important, and the specific mate you end up with, among the small-ish percentage near the top, isn't really that important either. But you'd do well to dodge the schools and mates who are waaaaaaaay down there beneath what you need. Now of course, if you're one of those fools who believes in "soulmates", then, naturally, you might be dropping your winning lottery ticket into the trash. It is also wise to consider, as well, that because humans (and particularly the BEST mating possibilities) tend to have so very few relationships during a lifetime, we all tend to over-emphasize the specifics about any partner which we, or our exes, have had during the course of their lives. Furthermore, you cannot fairly analyze what you are sensing yourself to be analyzing without first, somehow, extracting the effect OF your could-be mate ON that horrible person. So, if you're on, say, Plenty of Fish, and you are merely sifting through people, and if you see a sign that says "horrible person", yes, you're probably doing yourself a favor by just clicking on past, but, if you're talking about the cute (person) in the next cubicle at work, and judging their own character based on those exes, it probably helps to have a more open mind about it. But if you can prove it to yourself, then by all means, keep clicking...
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Yeah I get what you are saying but you must keep in mind that these are exes. These are the ones that didn't make the grade. Not necessarily. For all we know they could have been the ones who 'didn't make the grade' and were dumped by their exes.
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