JonasD Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Honoring my 24th (I'm 24) straight lonely Valentine's day, and lonely years for that matter, I'm sitting here wondering why love is so unfair. Several women have fallen for me, throughout my 24 years living, but I just was never able to feel anything for any of them and I'm not a "player kind of guy", so I always let them know I wasn't interested. Even while feeling lonelier every day, I just never can force myself to use someone like that just to feel less lonely. Ironically, a little while ago I fell madly in love with a very very good friend of mine, and guess what? She doesn't feel the same way... she led me to believe she did, but she doesn't. Why can't I just fall in love with people who love me? Or why can't the girl I love love me back? Why am I, a decent and nice guy, super lonely, while guys who play with women's feelings always have someone to be with? Why did she play with my feelings when I have never done that to anyone? Honestly... why does love have to be so bloody unfair!? 1
Itspointless Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Honoring my 24th (I'm 24) straight lonely Valentine's day, and lonely years for that matter, I'm sitting here wondering why love is so unfair. Several women have fallen for me, throughout my 24 years living, but I just was never able to feel anything for any of them and I'm not a "player kind of guy", so I always let them know I wasn't interested. Even while feeling lonelier every day, I just never can force myself to use someone like that just to feel less lonely. Ironically, a little while ago I fell madly in love with a very very good friend of mine, and guess what? She doesn't feel the same way... she led me to believe she did, but she doesn't. Why can't I just fall in love with people who love me? Or why can't the girl I love love me back? Why am I, a decent and nice guy, super lonely, while guys who play with women's feelings always have someone to be with? Why did she play with my feelings when I have never done that to anyone? Honestly... why does love have to be so bloody unfair!? Your question is hard to answer. One possibility is that you are attracted to woman who are hard to get and distant. If that is the case it would make you vulnerable for people who play games. It might be educating to learn of you are insecurely attached. See page 24 and onward of https://books.google.nl/books?id=BMdtwsrU9CEC&printsec=frontcover&dq=%22why+can%27t+I+change%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=U-zgVJ37DoHhOObNgdgH&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=secure&f=false and the following test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Some people just like to play games especially when they are young.
Author JonasD Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 The test ranked me as open and giving but preoccupied. I think it's accurate, thanks for sharing. So yes... I'm a little bit on the anxious sixe of attachment and I think that's because nothing's ever worked out for me so I get preoccupied... It's really hard for me, I'm not used to caring so much about this kind of stuff and I feel pretty lonely. Sorry for the rant.
ballycastle Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 The test ranked me as open and giving but preoccupied. I think it's accurate, thanks for sharing. So yes... I'm a little bit on the anxious sixe of attachment and I think that's because nothing's ever worked out for me so I get preoccupied... It's really hard for me, I'm not used to caring so much about this kind of stuff and I feel pretty lonely. Sorry for the rant. It's worth reading 'Attached' by Amir and Levine that discusses your attachment style. 25% of population are anxious preoccupied or avoidant and 50% secure. The latter know their boundaries, are healthy, don't take rubbish and tend to have long relationships. The other 25% tend to attract each another (anxious v avoidant) and don't make a good match, (push/pull) one clings the other runs but both have abandonment issues but react in them in different ways. Certainly worth a read. The only way to combat it is therapy to learn your boundaries and spot the avoidant partner who will only give you a future of pain. A secure partner is less likely to (but are out of the dating pool less than the 25% and tend to attract secure partners) However, if you meet a 'secure' partner your attachment issue would diminish as you would not feel the urge to 'cling' as you would be getting your needs met.
Itspointless Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 The test ranked me as open and giving but preoccupied. I think it's accurate, thanks for sharing. So yes... I'm a little bit on the anxious sixe of attachment and I think that's because nothing's ever worked out for me so I get preoccupied... It's really hard for me, I'm not used to caring so much about this kind of stuff and I feel pretty lonely. Sorry for the rant. Feel free to rant. I guess you can already win a lot if you read the book I linked to. I think it is a good book, also in how it explains attachment. I personally would say learn as much as you can: it is what I always try to do.
neowulf Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 It's greater than that I'm afraid. Life is not fair. Fair is a concept that stems from the idea of natural justice. It doesn't exist. It's a human fallacy. Instead of thinking in terms of whats "fair", it's better to spend your energy on improving your life and situation. Don't get hung up on fair. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.
Author JonasD Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Thank you all for your replies! Ballycastle: It's funny how things change... I've always been an 'avoiding' kind of guy, not very good at opening up and especially weird in terms of attachment. I've never been a clingy sort of person, I never attach to people and I'm quite independent and comfortable by myself. However, this one girl I fell in love with changed everything... it put a lot of things in perspective, and I "opened my eyes" to realize that I'm super lonely and for the first time I've been a little clingy and "preoccupied" with her, I don't understand why... I'll read that book and maybe some therapy to figure out what's going on. It's weird... she's the only one I've ever felt so insecure with; normally I have clear boundaries but with her it's just different. Itspointless: Thank you for sharing that book, I'll make sure to read it as well. I wish it helps me understand why I became so aware of my loneliness and why suddenly I became stressed/anxious about her and how to change that. As I told ballycastle, what's most weird is that I'm never like this... only with her. Neowulf: You couldn't have said it better... I'm coming to terms with the fact that life isn't fair, and that's ok. The thing is, I can't help but to feel disappointed with how it turns out... I know it's not supposed or meant to be fair, but it's disappointing when you try to do things right only to see how it's pointless and you end up lonely. But still, I understand that's how it is.
Itspointless Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Thank you all for your replies! Ballycastle: It's funny how things change... I've always been an 'avoiding' kind of guy, not very good at opening up and especially weird in terms of attachment. I've never been a clingy sort of person, I never attach to people and I'm quite independent and comfortable by myself. However, this one girl I fell in love with changed everything... it put a lot of things in perspective, and I "opened my eyes" to realize that I'm super lonely and for the first time I've been a little clingy and "preoccupied" with her, I don't understand why... I'll read that book and maybe some therapy to figure out what's going on. It's weird... she's the only one I've ever felt so insecure with; normally I have clear boundaries but with her it's just different. Itspointless: Thank you for sharing that book, I'll make sure to read it as well. I wish it helps me understand why I became so aware of my loneliness and why suddenly I became stressed/anxious about her and how to change that. As I told ballycastle, what's most weird is that I'm never like this... only with her. The book attached I see as a clear introduction that made me enthusiastic as it was the first book I encountered about it. But it mainly is about relations and how attachments work together. It does not give many tools to work on you. You are not going to find the answer to that question in the book attached. The answer is without no doubt to be found in your history as she reminds you in some way how you have depended on your caregiver. Attachment is about primary behaviour, there isn't much logic to be found. We are attrackted to what we are familiar with. And we react in such way most when we feel low or stressed, or when primary behavior kicks in. Therapy is a good idea. See it as coaching, I do
love1336x Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Honoring my 24th (I'm 24) straight lonely Valentine's day, and lonely years for that matter, I'm sitting here wondering why love is so unfair. Several women have fallen for me, throughout my 24 years living, but I just was never able to feel anything for any of them and I'm not a "player kind of guy", so I always let them know I wasn't interested. Even while feeling lonelier every day, I just never can force myself to use someone like that just to feel less lonely. Ironically, a little while ago I fell madly in love with a very very good friend of mine, and guess what? She doesn't feel the same way... she led me to believe she did, but she doesn't. Why can't I just fall in love with people who love me? Or why can't the girl I love love me back? Why am I, a decent and nice guy, super lonely, while guys who play with women's feelings always have someone to be with? Why did she play with my feelings when I have never done that to anyone? Honestly... why does love have to be so bloody unfair!? I've just been in love with ONE man, during my years of dating and relationships. After him I feel I haven’t really, truly loved… Usually the closest of friends, or men at my job fall in love with me, and I tell myself, "eh why not?" Normally with the allies, they always amazed me with some type of facts about me because I'll ask them, "Why me?" And they will move forth with beautiful lyric and my heart melts and I impart them a try, but sadly enough like your problem... My heart isn't in love with them. It desires to so badly because these people adore me, love me to pieces, and love me more themselves. I haven't really found the answer to fix that part of myself yet, I feel I am not in love i am not in love, when it's meant to be again... It will be.
Author JonasD Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Love1336x thanks so much for your reply! That's part of what makes me feel scared. I have never felt the way I feel about this girl, not even close. My girl friends usually say that I'm a hard guy to get, and always imagine that whoever I end up with will be perfect; they haven't liked any of my previous "tries". But they loved her... I don't know... I just can't move on from her, I just can't stop wanting her so badly. No matter how much I tell myself that she doesn't feel anything for me and that I deserve to find someone who loves me back I still freaking melt whenever I talk with her, see a picture of her, listen to her voice... I was nearly 100% certain that we would eventually have a chance to be together and she led me to believe that she felt the same way. Sorry for the rant. But yes, I believe you're right. Whenever it's time for it to happen again, I will fall in love again. I just hope it's soon hahaha, because I'm finding it really hard to want other women. 1
Author JonasD Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Therapy is a good idea. See it as coaching, I do I will DEFINITELY try it. This "moving on" is taking way too long for me and it's taking a toll on my life and potential love interests. Thanks for the tip!
Author JonasD Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Oh and, Love1336x, I would really like to take you up on that 'signature' offer of PMing you to talk! (but I don't know how to do that haha)
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