Rexxy Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I just need some helpful advice. I've dated this girl for about a month and a half and we had a bit of a bad day,we had this huge discussion (not argument) about what we need to fix. She said that her feelings for me are really intense but if I don't start trying to socialize properly with her good friends that we should go our separate ways. Been introverted, this last month and a half I have more than pushed myself to be in social situations with her and work on my interactions with other people. I've literally been putting 110% into something I don't have much experience with, socializing with groups, I'm fine with 1 on 1's. I don't understand how someone can't realize how much effort I'm putting in to fixing something that I've been doing my whole life. I had one day where I was over tired and had a migraine so I wasn't in any mood to really talk to anyone and she got so annoyed at me for that, she said I came off as been really rude. I really don't try to be rude or anything like that, I've been trying so hard to work at it, but for one bad day I get put down for it. Can anyone lend me some advice, I would really like this relationship to work out.
Maleficent Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I'm an introvert too so I can really relate. My parents are extrovert (dad) and introvert (mom). The only way this will work is if you both understand and accept each other. My dad never expected my mom would follow him around parties and my mom never kept him from going put. At the same time, my dad sometimes stayed home for a quiet evening with my mom and my mom sometimes made the effort to go out with him. It looks like she isn't accepting the fact you are an introvert and is trying to force you to change. Did you tell her about your efforts? Did you explain a party with friends is actually quite exhausting to you? Essentially this is a two way street and she needs to understand you dislike get togethers as much as she dislikes staying in (assuming she is an extrovert...)
Author Rexxy Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I'm an introvert too so I can really relate. My parents are extrovert (dad) and introvert (mom). The only way this will work is if you both understand and accept each other. My dad never expected my mom would follow him around parties and my mom never kept him from going put. At the same time, my dad sometimes stayed home for a quiet evening with my mom and my mom sometimes made the effort to go out with him. It looks like she isn't accepting the fact you are an introvert and is trying to force you to change. Did you tell her about your efforts? Did you explain a party with friends is actually quite exhausting to you? Essentially this is a two way street and she needs to understand you dislike get togethers as much as she dislikes staying in (assuming she is an extrovert...) I've talked to her about how much effort I'm putting into it and how exhausting a simple party can be for me. I've told her that after a few hours of partying I usually zone out and need a break from it. I'm pretty sure she is just saying that I need to put in effort to get along with her room mates because she has known them for around 2.5 years and they're basically her family because of her situation. I'm not completely sure if she means socializing with other groups of people but i'll let you know when I do. She's usually really accepting of me having to have a break during a party but she just thought I was been rude to her room mates. I'm not entirely sure.
CarrieT Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 It honestly sounds as though she wants you to be someone you are not. And as much as you might dig the girl, if you can't be the whole package to HER and she is not accepting of YOU the way you are and what you bring to the table, it ultimately will not work out. I wouldn't push too hard to go outside your comfort zone for someone else. Be who you and and find that person who appreciates Your Whole Package instead of changing for someone. In the long run, you will only resent that person for all you have done for them, when they may not even see or appreciate it.
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I have the solution! Tell her you want her to move in with you.
Author Rexxy Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I have the solution! Tell her you want her to move in with you. You're really not the most helpful person are you haha
Author Rexxy Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 It honestly sounds as though she wants you to be someone you are not. And as much as you might dig the girl, if you can't be the whole package to HER and she is not accepting of YOU the way you are and what you bring to the table, it ultimately will not work out. I wouldn't push too hard to go outside your comfort zone for someone else. Be who you and and find that person who appreciates Your Whole Package instead of changing for someone. In the long run, you will only resent that person for all you have done for them, when they may not even see or appreciate it. I'll see what happens over the next few weeks, I sent her an article about introverts and she really seemed to come around, opening her eyes a lot more, and understanding where I'm coming from. She said that after reading the article it made a lot more sense to her because she thought that I was pushing myself away from her. She said that she is more than willing to work with me, accepting me for who I am, and we'll team up and stick by each other.
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 She doesn't care how much of an effort it is for you, because the truth is, we can all choose to be more outgoing at our own discomfort if we're willing to do that. It is a dealbreaker. It's no fun having the sulled up guy at family get-togethers and having all your friends wondering why you're with "that guy." If you don't care about her or having a woman bad enough to push your limits, then you better find one who is just as reclusive as you are and hope the two of you can find something to talk about besides the wallpaper.
Author Rexxy Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 She doesn't care how much of an effort it is for you, because the truth is, we can all choose to be more outgoing at our own discomfort if we're willing to do that. It is a dealbreaker. It's no fun having the sulled up guy at family get-togethers and having all your friends wondering why you're with "that guy." If you don't care about her or having a woman bad enough to push your limits, then you better find one who is just as reclusive as you are and hope the two of you can find something to talk about besides the wallpaper. I really want to learn to be more outgoing as uncomfortable it can be for me. It's something I really need to work on and need to learn. I'm really happy she tries to push me and lets me know these things. When you put it into perspective about been the sulled up guy I can completely understand where shes coming from. I believe people can change so I'm just going to keep trying to work on been more outgoing because it's something I've always wanted to be.
Author Rexxy Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Whenever a woman starts to give you ultimatums it's a sign you need to get away from her. If I were you, I would tell her it just isn't working out, and go find someone else. Once she learns those ultimatums can get what she wants from you, she will use them more often. It's not really an ultimatum since she knows I'm fully capable of been more outgoing and that's just her way of trying to encourage me to do so even though it sounds harsh. She's trying to help me but tends to let it out in a mean manner.
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I really want to learn to be more outgoing as uncomfortable it can be for me. It's something I really need to work on and need to learn. I'm really happy she tries to push me and lets me know these things. When you put it into perspective about been the sulled up guy I can completely understand where shes coming from. I believe people can change so I'm just going to keep trying to work on been more outgoing because it's something I've always wanted to be. Look, it is within your power to change. I was outgoing as a young child, then a series of things took all my confidence and I became an awkward tween wallflower who couldn't and wouldn't smile at a boy or anything like that. I was only any good socially with my handful of closest friends for some years. But as I got into my 20s, I realized it was up to me who I became. I found my niche, and then I faked it until I made it. I made myself do brave things socially and professionally. I had to have a ritual to psych myself up before going out, would be a perfectionist on the day of a social event because I will spend all day trying to make everything as perfect as possible so that I feel I'm the best I can be and then put on my favorite music to get up and switch gears and try to come alive. I still have to do that sometimes if I'm seeing an ex or something and in fact had to do that this week, but after years of practice, even though I hadn't had to pull out my routine in a long time, it went smoothly. I was very nervous, but the next day he just said how easy it was with me. Over time, practicing being who you want to be will change you into that person. You may still feel some of the angst in special circumstances or if you let yourself be reclusive too long and fall out of practice, but once you learn how to "play through" the fear, it's a skill for life that you can dig out when needed. And you just can't expect people to settle for a half-life with someone. Most people want entertaining companions, or there's just no point in being friends or being coupled up. Relationships, when it doesn't come naturally to you, require some effort and getting out of your comfort zone.
Maleficent Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 It's not really an ultimatum since she knows I'm fully capable of been more outgoing and that's just her way of trying to encourage me to do so even though it sounds harsh. She's trying to help me but tends to let it out in a mean manner. Well, good luck to you. Just make sure you're not the only one making an effort...
Author Rexxy Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Look, it is within your power to change. I was outgoing as a young child, then a series of things took all my confidence and I became an awkward tween wallflower who couldn't and wouldn't smile at a boy or anything like that. I was only any good socially with my handful of closest friends for some years. But as I got into my 20s, I realized it was up to me who I became. I found my niche, and then I faked it until I made it. I made myself do brave things socially and professionally. I had to have a ritual to psych myself up before going out, would be a perfectionist on the day of a social event because I will spend all day trying to make everything as perfect as possible so that I feel I'm the best I can be and then put on my favorite music to get up and switch gears and try to come alive. I still have to do that sometimes if I'm seeing an ex or something and in fact had to do that this week, but after years of practice, even though I hadn't had to pull out my routine in a long time, it went smoothly. I was very nervous, but the next day he just said how easy it was with me. Over time, practicing being who you want to be will change you into that person. You may still feel some of the angst in special circumstances or if you let yourself be reclusive too long and fall out of practice, but once you learn how to "play through" the fear, it's a skill for life that you can dig out when needed. And you just can't expect people to settle for a half-life with someone. Most people want entertaining companions, or there's just no point in being friends or being coupled up. Relationships, when it doesn't come naturally to you, require some effort and getting out of your comfort zone. I'm really grateful that you shared that with me! It's always nice to hear someone that has gone through the same things as me, I was always outgoing as a kid until I reached around year 8 in high school and now I'm only just moving into my 20's (nearly 21) so it's time I make the move that you did and push myself! I can fake it till I make it, preparing myself during the day to get in the mindset of socializing. Sometimes it's scary that I have the power to change who I am and sculpt myself into the person I want to be because you always hear people saying you can't change. I'm going to learn this skill so I can also share it with people that are trying to change in the future. Thanks for your input!
Author Rexxy Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Well, good luck to you. Just make sure you're not the only one making an effort... I agree with you, I'll be paying attention to that.
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