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First Relationship went south. Want her back.


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Posted (edited)

I (22, M, Student) met this beautiful, cute Girl (21, Student) a little more than a year ago, and we started hanging out more and more often, then had our first kiss hollywood-style at the porch, and we've been together for 10 months, expressing our love for eachother. We spend some wonderful time together and I considered the relationship as fairly valueable. We had few issues but they lead to us breaking up during New Years 2014-15.

 

One of the main concerns was my mum. See, my mum is suffering from severe Depression, Anxiety and esp. since my Dad died when I was a teenager she feels immensely alone, even though she's living with my grandma, who's in need of care, in an apartment. I know my mum loves me and so do I, but regardless I've been having extreme difficulties dealing with her disease. We would fight over basically nothing on a daily basis and had two different mindsets. All the arguments we regularly had lead to me suffering from IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). My GF has been there for me through this time, but always expressed how much it troubled her seeing me during that time. She gave me the idea and help to move out to my own space. I did that four months ago. I moved fairly close to her. It was the best thing to ever happen to me, my GF said herself that I was way calmer and she was happy for me that I could finally find some peace. The relationship with my mum however didn't improve immediately.

 

My GF and Mum had nothing to do with eachother until one day, my Mum decided to drive all over the town to my Place because I didn't check in on her daily calls (very overprotective and clingy as she is due to her mental issues). She accused my GF of having taken me away from her, and not allowing me to call Mum, etc. and basically offended her as well. My GF cried, I got angry, defended my GF and had my Mum leave. From there on the relationship went downhill. My GF said she struggled with all of it and needed some space for herself. She's been needing alone-time quite regurarly even before that, ever since the very beginning of the relationship. Back then however she was processing her past, be it her ex or a bff she "lost."

 

Shortly before X-Mas she asked me whether I'd like to join in with her family. I declined because even though I knew I'd have yet another argument with my mum, I figured, I'd still want to be with my family. She seemed unable to understand how I could even spend a second with my Mum when she treats me like this. I told her, she's the only family I have. During X-Mas I did not only have a huge fight with mum, but also with my GF, who said she felt lost and needed me, but at the same time, I said I needed her because I was struggling with family matters. And then she got angry that everything in this whole relationship is about my Mum, which was frankly not the case. Sure, I told her whenever I had issues with mum, but they usually didn't even see eachother. Whenever my GF and I met, we'd have a wonderful time, but sometimes, quite often actually, she'd be upset for no particular reason, and only after insisting she'd tell me that she struggles with this whole mum situation even at times when things were OK.

 

After this whole argument my GF wanted to put things on hold for two weeks. It crushed my heart bc my Xmas was bad enough as is, and now she didn't even want to spend new years with me. She told me it wasn't my fault, and I'm not the one to be blamed for how my Mum acted, yet still I was the one suffering from this call. I felt awful during these no contact days, and the upset inside of me reached peak when she didn't even wish me a happy new year.

 

I texted her that I'd understood, her own space was of bigger importance to her than me. I told her I wanted to see her, she declined, saying that she is now starting to see things clear and that she's been upset during these past couple of months of Ups and Downs and she feels better now, and that she couldn't tell me whether or not she wanted to go on with the relationship just yet. I couldn't handle this well, complained about the lack of affection most recently, as well as this kind of action showing I dont mean nothing to her and we might as well leave it be then. She texted me we should meet up for one last talk. I showed up the same day, she opened the door crying. We both cried, expressed our love for eachother. I said I'd do anything to make it work and I was sorry to have pushed. But to no avail. She said she didn't want this anymore. Besides two occasional emotional SMS that day I went No Contact ever since, because she wanted me to leave her alone and never contact her again.

 

I did however send her a closure letter (I labeled it "Open when you're fine with me contacting you") three weeks ago, apologizing for having put too much pressure on her, saying how much I enjoyed the time, wishing her well, and thanking her for everything. I also let her know that my Mum is seeking professional help, and will be gone for a couple of weeks, in which I'll be at home, taking care of Grandma.

 

At the time I knew she wouldn't dare to reply but hoped she would, because of the mixed signals during breakup (her saying I love you). I figured if I meant something to her she'd reply. At some point. I don't know what to do. See... With her wanting me to leave her alone and all after breaking up nicely. I want her to know that I wanna fight for our relationship. I know I shouldn't contact her to ask if she's read the letter or maybe she wants to have a personal talk with me some time... I just can't get her out of my head and I don't want to... But again it's been 6 weeks of NC...

Edited by Omalley92
Posted

I feel for you bro, you have a really tough situation. If I have learnt one thing from my ex, its that you have to put family first, no matter what. And you being there for your mom and spending xmas with her was the right thing to do and your gf shouldn't have a problem with that.

Also trust me, she has opened that letter, think about it, if she ever sent you a letter the first thing you would do is open it. I know because I had a blog where i initially wrote my feelings and my ex went through all of it. Didnt say a word to me until we were forced to see eachother. My ex had promised me that she would call me on new years even though we had broken up but i received nothing, not even a text.

I'm in a similar situation, however I know that my ex is now seeing someone else and it sucks knowing that. Makes me feel like i wasn't good enough or there was something wrong with me but tbh i know i treated her really well and she will in time realize it. Just stay in complete NC, dont send her any letters, remove her off social media, and dont let her notice you're sad shes gone. Improve on yourself and your life. I have heard girls have this sick 6th sense when they notice that us guys are doing well without them they come running back, now dont hold me to that but if its meant to be it will. First loves are the hardest to get over, im trying to get over my first love too. But hopefully there are better things out there for us bro, keep your head up

  • Author
Posted (edited)

I've been struggling these past couple of days again. My Mum is in a special facility to treat her depression so I've moved back in home with grandma (who also happens to live here).

Coming back after moving out just a couple of months ago feels like a big step back. Sure I gotta be there for my family and it's only for a month but still. I struggle every day and being here kinda feels like prison. I can't leave, can't go on vacation. I'm stuck in my life also professionally with college being on break and an unhealthy climate at work.

 

Emotionally I feel like I'm regressing, lack of motivation, no happiness, missing her so bad, nightmares every now and then. I haven't heard back from her and I figure I didn't ever mean enough to her, even though her saying "I love you" during breakup... But then there's this little piece inside of me holding on to her... My first GF. The great memories... It's tough to do NC. But Realistically speaking she probably moved on the first week. No reply to my letter no nothing... I just don't know what to do. She still means the world to me. ):

Edited by Omalley92
Posted

Brother I know how you're feeling. I don't know if you've read my story but I'm going through a breakup with my first love also, we dated for 5 years and they were great and now she has moved on like I meant nothing. My ex also told me she loves me alot and will always care for me and all that bs and I believed it and it gave me hope that maybe she'll come back. I'm gonna be honest, I still do hope she does come back but I have faced reality and I know that it may never happen. You have to do NC for yourself, not for anyone else. Trust me it will help you, I'm 2 1/2 months into NC and I already feel alot better than when i first started. I was just like you, I was going crazy, everything started to move backwards instead of forwards. My ex and I broke up in Nov and going into the new year i was thinking "This is going to be a new year, I'm leaving her in the past and going to focus on myself" and then I broke my ankle on New years, had to undergo surgery. That was the toughest point in my life, i was heart broken, now my ankles broken (lol) and I couldn't go out or do anything with my life/preoccupy my mind by going out, etc. But you have to pull through, take some time to grieve it will do you good. I grieved for a while, probably longer than most but I'm alot better now. Focus on yourself, set goals for yourself, try to surround yourself with friends. I'm not sure if you can go out, but if you can try doing that and having fun.

 

Trust me one day you'll wake up and you will realize your own self worth and not care about what your ex is doing or talking to her. My ex still means the world to me too, both of us got really involved in eachothers lives, dated for 5 years, i know all of her family and got along with everyone of them, I cared about what she was going to do with her future and she motivated me with mine. But life's a bitch, it throws curve balls at you and you can't dodge them all the time. Remain in NC and try to better yourself. I hate to be that guy but I also believe that if its meant to be then it will be, its hard for us guys to do that because we want to take action and make things happen, instead of letting things happen but you have to accept that theres nothing you can do in this situation. It took me a long time to accept that, I still love her and care about her and miss her here and there but its not as bad as it was before. It will get better bro, we'll both be fine, with or without them.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your reply. It must be hard to let go of 5 years and that ankle breaking, and here I am crying about 10 months, and thank god, I'm healthy up until now...

 

The Thing is, I am incapable of letting go. Not because I don't respect her wish or can't face the truth. But rather because there is this feeling inside of me that keeps on telling me there could be one specific thing I could do to make her at least consider giving us another try. Like there is a Path I could take to that. Maybe I just keep believing this for no particular reason, maybe it's because I lack other kind of fulfillment in my Life, Work bothering me a lot, College dragging on unnecessarily, maybe it's because of the loneliness, maybe it's because of love.

 

I don't know the next Step currently and this vicious cycle of depression seems to have imprisoned me. One Day I'm reasonably o.k., next two days I'm awful, craving, fighting the urge to check her profile or write her, asking her how she's doing or if she'd wanna meet up. Since we broke up, apparently because of my family issues I can't really tell if there's another guy in the picture just yet, or whether she has fully moved on. Then again she didn't get back in touch after the letter and had me promise to leave her alone... Ugh.

 

My Mind is full of nothing but her. Still... :/

 

You said you're not struggling as bad as you used to anymore, but still some part of you hopes for this not to be the end of it all, so the Desire to get her back is still there but as prominent anymore and you feel better?

Posted

Yea its hard man but time isn't a measure of love, her and I had broken up 5 months into the relationship over something really stupid and I felt the same if not worse back then. I also reacted alot worse because I was only 17 then and I had such strong feelings for her, I blasted her phone, put up statuses on fb, etc etc. Until i stopped and started to keep my sadness to myself. Finally after a couple months she came back by herself, we started off as friends again but we both couldn't deny our feelings for eachother so we started dating again and were strong up until we broke up.

 

So reason I'm telling you this is, don't feel bad about being upset even though you were only with her for 10 months, love has a funny way of ****ing with our mind. You're not incapable of letting go, you just don't want to, and I completely understand I was exactly like you, and it will take some time before you're ready to do it.

 

I know what its like to feel this way, I used to wake up thinking about her, go to bed thinking about her and my whole day consisted of thoughts about her. I stalked and stalked and stalked. It got bad to the point where if I didn't see a post from her on her blog, or any activity on one of her social media, i would start getting anxiety about where she is and what shes doing and if shes ok or not. After a while tho I started to realize I'm just setting myself up for failure because sooner or later I'm going to see a picture of her and her new bf, or something about them and its going to tear me apart. So finally drilling that in my head, I stopped stalking her and actually joined this forum around the same time.

 

I have been getting better ever since and maybe finally letting her actions sink in, made me realize that I don't deserve what she did to me. Although it was really hard for me yesterday, i was on instagram and I have one of her friends on it, it was her birthday yesterday and I guess she had a party, so her friend posted a picture of it, in which my ex was with her bf and seeing them together and happy and everything was probably worse than being punched in the gut. So save yourself that heartache and don't stalk her.

 

Only reason I have hope is because I still love this girl...alot and tbh I dont think I'll ever stop loving her, she will truly have a special place in my heart forever. Now that being said I'm trying to embrace reality and accept the fact that she may never come back. Her actions prove that she is being a GIGS (you can find the forum on here about that) and that the relationship she is now in, is most likely a rebound. But sometimes rebounds don't end and become something real and I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm just sitting around waiting for her, I'm trying to love my life and focus on myself. I will have this hope that maybe she'll come back again after realizing that she still loves me and needs me but i dont know if that will ever happen or if her current relationship will end. Maybe my hope will go away with more time but for now i still have hope and I still wish that she will come back. I just don't let that hope torture me and run my life anymore.

  • Author
Posted

I am currently hitting a low point again. Taking care of my grandma proves to be more difficult than expected due to her being ocasionally sick. Had to call in a doctor yesterday in the middle of the night... Her health is so so. Kinda like I am mentally. I checked my Ex' FB today, nothing new expect new male friends she added. My Mind immedietaly started slipping and thinking at all the possible outcomes. Maybe she's in love with someone new? Maybe she's having sex with other people? She was a fairly shy girl who even though she's perfectly beautiful, didn't have many guys to pursue her. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't care and block her profile. But I still wait for her to contact me, at least asking me how I'm doing. Breaking up with someone, saying you you still love him, usually leaves a lasting impression that's fairly hard to forget.

 

Part of me blames myself a lot because I couldn't handle my mum & her depression, couldn't find boundaries, was too easy going when I had an argument with mum and put too much weight on our relationship back then. Part of me agrees with the reason she broke up. But I figured it there was love, perhaps she'd give us a second chance. I still think a simple text could be a start to fix things, but she asked me not to contact her again and even when I did with the letter, I didn't receive a reply, perhaps because it was too soon.

Being in NC for almost 7 weeks now I realized I still would love to go back to what we had, but I just don't know and fear further rejection if I do initiate contact...

Posted

You know what it sounds like to me?

 

She saw this thing with your mother and she realized she didn't want that in her life. PERIOD.

 

Not just your mother, but maybe you in the future, maybe your unborn children. She didn't want the mental issues in her life. PERIOD.

 

So she bolted. Maybe she did love you when she left. That's nice. But it doesn't mean she wants any more from you, obviously. I mean, c'mon, it's been 7 weeks. 49 days. God only used 40 days to flood the earth. It's been a long time. Long enough for you to understand.

 

It's like that sometimes. You'd do yourself a favor if you block her out, and then the long, slow process of forgetting can finally begin.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

I've already started forgetting about her. At first my mind was full of her, now I have other things to think about as well, be it Gym, career, school or during these couple of weeks family mostly again. My Mum left me with grandma so she could seek professional help with her depression but due to this I have to stay at home most of the time.

 

Sitting around here it's only a matter of time before I miss her, think about her, and wonder what she's been up to. And the bad part is... Once my mum comes back and I get to live in my place again, there's a high chance of seeing her because she lives fairly close. It'd crush me, she still has that power over me and I struggle to distract and strengthen myself with all the current limitations I have to deal with... :/

 

I know there's no way she'd ever call me back but that's what I don't get if she actually loved me. I'd still do anything to make it work you know.

 

And checking her FB is not what I usually do, it's just... Maybe I'll finally be able to swallow it's over, once I see her in a picture with another Guy or her just having moved on.

Edited by Omalley92
Posted
that's what I don't get if she actually loved me. I'd still do anything to make it work

 

No you wouldn't. I mean, that's what we all feel like, but you have some dealbreakers, trust me. I don't know what they are, but there are things that she could want/do/have that you simply could not live with, and if you had to make the choice, you'd break it off.

 

One of the great lessons that can come from this is that you begin to look at things realistically, and to stop kidding yourself. "I'd do anything" isn't realistic; so consider that, and take this as an opportunity to grow. Turn lemons into lemonade, and all that.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted
"I'm still dreaming of you. Today. Twice. In the morning. Mornings like these, when I used to just lay down in the bed with you. Wake up next to you. I terribly miss you. It's still killing me. It's been freaking 2.5 months. The thought of never seeing you like that again. Being with you. Giving it all up... I'm not there yet.

 

But I know... I understand... Took me a long while to get to this point but yes. I get it. You don't care. You don't want me in your life anymore. I wonder if you ever actually did. I wonder if you know what love is. Because I never really felt it fully from you. You managed to be so close yet so distant at the same time. Don't think I didn't feel that. I don't know. I don't have any words anymore. You would't read them anyways. Like that heartfelt Letter I gave you. You just go on with your life like ending things with me was the best thing, when you know, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Even if that means I have to struggle. That's why I appreciate your wish of me not contacting you since the day we broke up on new years. Thank you for ruining that BTW. You could have at least spent that day with me. Or you know... Be grateful for the things I did. I never treated you badly. You said I was a good person when we broke up.

 

I won't contact you. Why would I? You made it clear you want me out of your live and as much as I miss you, love you, and struggle to keep up No Contact. The receiver of my messages won't be the person I love, I expect, I desperately hold on to. She might look like you. But all you really are inside is the manifestation of all the things I made up about you. See... I know this. I know it's wrong. But I can't help my emotions. My Mind knows I need to not even waste any precious second about you. The Person that walked out of my Life. "

 

 

- To her... Yet more thoughts and words.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Yesterday I saw her in the bus. After almost three months of NC. It was bound to happen sooner or later, since I live so close to her. She didn't look particularly awesome, her hair was all fuzzy, and she looked slightly sweaty. However, it was enough for my heart to go crazy after all this time. My Legs started shivering and felt like Jelly. She did notice me as well, hence why she left the bus via the front door. Probably to avoid bumping into me at all cost. Nothing happened, I stood there with a poker face.

 

Inside I was melting. I wanted to chase after her, talk to her, hold her hand, kiss her, hear her sweet voice one more time. I miss her so goddamn much. I still haven't fully grasped and accepted (or even understood) the fact that she wanted me out of her life for good. I was this close to break NC and just ask her how she's been this time. I know... It should he her making first contact, since she wanted to be left alone. I know that she won't ever talk to me again, because after all this time... She's made up her mind long ago.

 

I just don't know how to go on, I'm not happy. Going out with friends... Well it usually still saddens me not to have her on my side. I even had sex with someone... And I swear to god, even friends agreed, her face looked quite similar to my ex. I feel like going nuts. No closure, no end of love in sight, perhaps even some sort of hope, questioning NC daily. :S

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