Real DRAMA

[sookie321]

So long story short I met this man few years ago. We work together. I am in relationship and he is married with kids so even there was an attraction we both stayed strong until recently.

 

Few months ago he told me he cannot pretend anymore and is so in love with me that is even considering to change a job. He said he didn't think it was possible to feel that for anyone. And I believe him 100%. I felt soo happy but yet didn't know what was about to come.

 

We would try to meet more often (nothing physical), texted all the time and made plans for the future all was so great we felt like we're meant to be. I was questioning my relationship for a while and his marriage was an unhappy one. I know this because I knew this guy longer than we had feelings for each other and from other people too. The problem is he was scared to leave and thought of doing so when kids are older.

 

One time we didn't plan it or anything we had sex. The feelings just grew stronger for both of us. He told his wife. She went crazy. Insisted that he stops contacting me or she might do something terrible. He feels terrible for her and is really scared for the kids. Says that she hears what she wants to hear and might really do something and he has to protect their lives right now. It's that bad.

 

Guess what? This our first time we had sex I found out I was pregnant last week. He said he is happy but scared about how all would work out. He loves me and his feelings did not and will not change as far as he knows.

 

I don't know what to do... Should I keep this baby and hope he has the courage to leave one day?

The other option would be not to have it and pretend nothing happened which I'm not sure is possible at all.

 

I'm just very scared and not ready to be a single mom if ready to be a mom at all. I'm 26 just finished uni and started a great job.

 

Will be very thankful for your insights. Thank you

[bathtub-row]

Yep, that's real drama, for sure. Well, I'm always one to say to myself, "If you wanna play, you've gotta pay", meaning that if you were willing to sleep with someone without protection, then be willing to own up to it and deal with the consequences. I'm never one to encourage abortion but it is an option, of course. Usually when women do this, they rarely fully forgive themselves so that's one reason I don't recommend it. I'm also not a fan of giving up a child for adoption, either, except under extreme circumstances. It's your call, of course, and those are my thoughts. If you are already done with college and have a great job, there's really not much stopping you from having and keeping your baby.

 

As far as the MM is concerned, I think he was incredibly stupid for telling his wife about the affair if he already knew she was emotionally unstable. I mean, what other reaction was he expecting? If he actually fears for his kids lives, then if I were you, I'd back off from this completely and let him deal with it. It's extremely doubtful that he'll leave her and you need to extract yourself from the madness.

[sookie321]

Thank you so much for the reply!

 

Abortion is the last option but it is still an option because I am OMG so so afraid Still have 2-3 weeks to see and decide what to do.

 

Regarding MM his wife was suspecting something for a while already. He wanted to tell her so many times and I always talked him out of it. Probably he couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

So you think even if there is very strong connection and love between us he would not leave her even when our baby is born?

 

What scares me most that he had asked me: what would you do if I did not do the right thing? I asked what the right thing was. He told that if he is not able to leave his family. I said I'd do nothing and live my life.

 

The truth is I really believe we are meant to be. I know we both felt it. Is it possible in this kind of situation make that work somehow? Should I try NC until he has figured it out? Or should I keep contact that he would know I'm here for him. His next biggest fear is that I will start hating him for the situation and says he couldn't bear that. He asks a bit of time and understanding from my side.

[sandylee1]

Thank you so much for the reply!

 

Abortion is the last option but it is still an option because I am OMG so so afraid Still have 2-3 weeks to see and decide what to do.

 

Regarding MM his wife was suspecting something for a while already. He wanted to tell her so many times and I always talked him out of it. Probably he couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

So you think even if there is very strong connection and love between us he would not leave her even when our baby is born?

 

What scares me most that he had asked me: what would you do if I did not do the right thing? I asked what the right thing was. He told that if he is not able to leave his family. I said I'd do nothing and live my life.

 

The truth is I really believe we are meant to be. I know we both felt it. Is it possible in this kind of situation make that work somehow? Should I try NC until he has figured it out? Or should I keep contact that he would know I'm here for him. His next biggest fear is that I will start hating him for the situation and says he couldn't bear that. He asks a bit of time and understanding from my side.

 

Are you still in a relationship with someone else?

 

Any chance it could be his child?

 

What do you want for your future?

Is it this man?

 

The choice about the baby is one only you can make, but consider how this will affect you going forward.

 

It's time to be selfish and think just about you.

 

One thing is if you keep the baby, it could be the final straw for his wife. So he may then come to you.

 

Are you ready for a baby right now?

Are you prepared to be a single parent?

[minimariah]

So you think even if there is very strong connection and love between us he would not leave her even when our baby is born?

 

that's possible, yes.

 

my advice is this - be ready for the worst scenario. think about what is the worst thing that could happen and can you handle it. if the answer is YES - then have the baby. if you can handle taking care of the child without him in the picture, then give birth.

 

Should I try NC until he has figured it out?

 

I think you should keep contact and communicate. talk to him, tell him how you want to be with him and how you need a clean situation. it's not fair - not to his wife and not to you - that he keeps this going forever.

 

if he asked time - give it to him. be there for him and give him your love and understaning BUT if nothing changes, move on.

[Cinnimon]

This makes me sad to read. I'm sorry this has happened but it is what it is. First off I think that the decision concerning the pregnancy should be up to YOU and you only. It will ultimately be YOU that will be responcible for raising the child no matter what he chooses to do. At only 26 this WILL greatly change your life.

Has he told his wife about the pregnancy? I guess I can understand him not wanting to end his marriage ( even though he's jeorodized that himself) but there is an innocent baby involved now and he should step up to the plate regardless of the situation. As someone said above, you play you pay works for both of you.

My gut feeling about his question, he's telling you exactly what his intentions are.

Good luck

[almond]

You say that abortion is a possible option for you, so I'm going to just go ahead and suggest that you strongly consider it.

 

I would not have a child with a married cheater, who I had only slept with once.

 

If I were in your shoes right now, I'd break up with my boyfriend, break up with the married man, terminate the pregnancy, and go and get some counselling.

 

You're 26...just finished your degree, and started a great job. You have a bright future ahead of you if you're able to work on your issues...the things inside you that are lacking, that have allowed you to get yourself into such a mess.

 

Work on yourself. Be alone for a while. Do some proper soul-searching and at the end of it all, put this mess behind you. Go on to live a stable, honest life, where you're not cheating on someone that loves you, and not entering into relationships with men that really aren't available.

 

All the best. I really hope things work out for you.

[sookie321]

Are you still in a relationship with someone else?

 

Any chance it could be his child?

 

What do you want for your future?

Is it this man?

 

The choice about the baby is one only you can make, but consider how this will affect you going forward.

 

It's time to be selfish and think just about you.

 

One thing is if you keep the baby, it could be the final straw for his wife. So he may then come to you.

 

Are you ready for a baby right now?

Are you prepared to be a single parent?

 

 

I am in kind of a relationship but as I said it was not going well for a while now, so we don't have sex or anything for a few months, basically we just live together. So I know who the baby's father is for 100%.

 

To be honest I am not ready for a baby right now, I didn't want one yet and I cannot imagine of being a parent right now at all not even adding the word single...

 

Yes, I would want to be with this man, I was never so sure in my entire life, but even if he got a divorce right now I wouldn't want to have kids right away.

[sookie321]

This makes me sad to read. I'm sorry this has happened but it is what it is. First off I think that the decision concerning the pregnancy should be up to YOU and you only. It will ultimately be YOU that will be responcible for raising the child no matter what he chooses to do. At only 26 this WILL greatly change your life.

Has he told his wife about the pregnancy? I guess I can understand him not wanting to end his marriage ( even though he's jeorodized that himself) but there is an innocent baby involved now and he should step up to the plate regardless of the situation. As someone said above, you play you pay works for both of you.

My gut feeling about his question, he's telling you exactly what his intentions are.

Good luck

 

He has not told about the pregnancy since the time they spoke about us, we didn't know it yet. He says he does want to end his marriage but is a coward since it concerns his kids. And the worst thing is I somehow understand him and am not sure that I wouldn't be the same if I were in his shoes.

 

Told him that I will leave it alone either forever or at least until he has settled for divorce.

[sookie321]

You say that abortion is a possible option for you, so I'm going to just go ahead and suggest that you strongly consider it.

 

I would not have a child with a married cheater, who I had only slept with once.

 

If I were in your shoes right now, I'd break up with my boyfriend, break up with the married man, terminate the pregnancy, and go and get some counselling.

 

You're 26...just finished your degree, and started a great job. You have a bright future ahead of you if you're able to work on your issues...the things inside you that are lacking, that have allowed you to get yourself into such a mess.

 

Work on yourself. Be alone for a while. Do some proper soul-searching and at the end of it all, put this mess behind you. Go on to live a stable, honest life, where you're not cheating on someone that loves you, and not entering into relationships with men that really aren't available.

 

All the best. I really hope things work out for you.

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I agree with you 100%.

 

I have a great job that i love and already started sports few months ago and am hoping to devote myself there for the next few years until my mind is clear again which I hope would happen eventually.

 

I am so glad I wrote here. I feel a bit of relief. It's not the end of the world although it seemed like one just a week ago. Thank you kind strangers!

[bathtub-row]

So you think even if there is very strong connection and love between us he would not leave her even when our baby is born?

 

Omg, not to be sarcastic but have you read any other posts in this forum? Most people in these situations feel they have a deep connection and that they were meant to be. It almost never means they end up together. Sorry to say that but I can tell you with almost complete certainty that MM is not going to leave his marriage. He has kids and a volatile wife. I hope I'm wrong. I hope the two of you end up together but it's very doubtful. I think you need to prepare yourself for that.

 

And if you're talking about doing the right thing, there really isn't a right thing in this situation. He has kids from another marriage who came before yours. Some might argue that the right thing would be for him to stay with his wife and kids.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Rainbowlove]

To be honest I am not ready for a baby right now, I didn't want one yet and I cannot imagine of being a parent right now at all not even adding the word single

 

Have you considered giving the baby up for adoption? This is a child and deserved a chance to live and breathe. Now that I'm a mother, the idea of abortion breaks my heart. There are millions of people that would love a chance to care for and raise a child.

 

Adoption/abortion....you cannot keep this child. Motherhood is a full time job for the rest of your life. You are not ready.

[nikki76]

Have an abortion. No doubt about it. Dont bring a poor innocent child into this.

 

You are so young and being a mother is one of the hardest things in the world. I can only imagine how hard being a single mother would be.

 

Im not trying to be harsh. Im just being honest as a mother and a (f)OW. Im sorry you have to deal with this decision. Ive been there years ago (not with an affair partner though). It was beyond hard, but believe me, the heartache and pain and everything else that comes with these affairs, then bringing a child into it, would be enough to drive you mad.

 

Its not fair for anyone involved in your lives.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[anika99]

First of all the only person who can decide what you should do about the pregnancy is you and that is as it should be because you are the one that will have to live with your decision.

 

 

Some people will say have an abortion and others will say OMG! don't do that, you will never forgive yourself, some people will say give the baby up for adoption and others will say OMG! don't that, you will never get over it, some people will say have the baby and be a single parent and others will say OMG! don't do that, you will ruin your life!

 

 

The fact is that there is no easy painless way out of an unplanned pregnancy. No matter what you decide there will be heartache and consequences to deal with. That's why only you can figure out which path you want to take. You have to listen and trust in yourself on this one because people will just confuse you with their conflicting opinions and tales of doom and gloom if you decide to do this or that.

 

 

Now as for your question regarding if the MM will leave his wife for you if you have his child. The chances of that happening are mighty slim and if it did happen the drama and the stress of how that would play out would make it an ongoing misery. If his wife is as you say then there is no way she is ever going to play nice with his OW and his OC. She will not be saying "okay husband, you go live with your OW and child and I will send our children to you every weekend and we will all be happy". She will fight for her children and her family and I don't blame her. If you keep this baby then I can say with almost certainty that you will be a single parent. Do not make your decision about the pregnancy based on some romantic fantasy in your head about how you and the MM will be together and live happily ever after.

[BurnedAndLost]

Please think long and hard before you make any decisions. What you choose can stay with you your whole life. Listen to people's advice if you want but please do not let anyone sway your decision.

[whichwayisup]

I am in relationship

 

And what about your boyfriend? You need to confess to him that you are pregnant. Is there a chance the baby is his? Unless you've 100% NOT had sex with your boyfriend in months.... Either way, you're gonna have to face him and deal with the fallout of having an affair behind his back, especially if you choose to keep the baby.

[travelbug1996]

Wow this is why I find it so difficult to trust people. As soon as you started up with this mm you should have set your bf free. He doesn't deserve this.

[waterwoman]

The only important thing in this whole situation is your baby. That is the big decision you have to make, and if I were you I would make that decision assuming that MM is out of the picture. Leave him out of your calculations. Don't decide to keep the baby hoping there be some happy family including him in your future - there may be of course, but it's safest to assume there won't be. What would you do if the baby had been conceived with a stranger on a ONS?

[stillmind]

If you keep this baby prepare to be a single mother. You can't keep this baby and hope he'll come around. Being a parent means being responsible for another human's LIFE, and you need to start now by making decisions based on fact and not fantasy. Fact: he is married to someone else and has legal and moral responsibilities to his first family. You cannot count on him to come through for you, you cannot realistically plan to receive anything from him but a small monthly check.

 

I have children, I love children and to be perfectly honest I would 100% choose an abortion over going willingly into single motherhood. I experienced severe PPD following the birth of my daughter to the extent that I became suicidal, and without the support of my husband I do not think I would be typing this.

 

Choose whatever is best for you, but please, please do not choose based on the hope that he will leave for you.

[sandylee1]

I think terminating the pregnancy would be best as it's not something you are against and you said you are not ready for a baby right now.

 

Good luck

[sookie321]

Thank you for all the insights. I really appreciate it!

 

I feel so stupid of thinking that my situation with MM is so much different than anybody else's. It is different just because we did not really have a relationship.

 

Now I am prepared to tell him that he has to sort his own life and I will only talk to him if he is settled for divorce. I know it will be hard at first especially in having hopes he'd do it. But I'm sure that I will survive somehow.

 

Thanks again!

[Mal78]

First off, statisticly speaking your MM will most certainly not leave his wife and children. So, whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy DO NOT base it on the hope and a prayer he will leave them for you.

 

Secondly, his current living, breathing kids are his priority. Right now, this is probably very surreal to him. It very much might be something he is hoping will, just go away. Regardless of what he tells you. Again, like most MM they continue to tell you what you want to hear or they gently ooze in to telling you what you don't.

 

Lastly, be prepared for a whole world of hurt before it gets better if you choose to follow through with your pregnancy. Be prepared for him to string you along and leave you alone when you need him most. He will give you grand illusions he will be there, but many broken promises will be had and you will be left feeling empty and alone.

 

You have to look at every angle. My bff is a lawyer dealing with a very similar situation/case 24 years later.... Severely disabled daughter and now, after 24 years she needs financial help from xMM. Of course! This single Mom has literally done it ALL for 24 years!

 

If you loose the pregnancy when you are far invested, again grieving alone knowing if his wife was in similar circumstances he *would* be there. It could be agony, followed by deep depression.

 

You could be pregnant with multiples.

 

Of course, speaking as a Mother of 5 children.... yes children are blessings often in disguise. They are quite literally your world and if you can handle that in this stage of your life go for it.

 

I am pro-choice. As for most things in life. I, ultimately am not going to be directly effected by whatever you decide. Nor will anyone else. Your body, your choice. You do what is best for you as you will have to live with any/all of your choices in life good, bad and indifferent.

 

**side note. I had my first when I was 15 years old. I was young, scared, alone and raised in a VERY conservative upbringing. Ultimately I'm going to hell. Just a bit of perspective when you are considering if you are "ready enough". No one is. However, it is was what it was.

[Popsicle]

Abort.

 

And never ever get pregnant by a MM again.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for all the insights. I really appreciate it!

 

I feel so stupid of thinking that my situation with MM is so much different than anybody else's. It is different just because we did not really have a relationship.

 

Now I am prepared to tell him that he has to sort his own life and I will only talk to him if he is settled for divorce. I know it will be hard at first especially in having hopes he'd do it. But I'm sure that I will survive somehow.

 

Thanks again!

 

You said you were in a relationship, where do things stand with your boyfriend? Is there a chance the baby is his?

[sookie321]

I am in kind of a relationship but as I said it was not going well for a while now, so we don't have sex or anything for a few months, basically we just live together. So I know who the baby's father is for 100%

 

I would say I'm in friends with benefits kind of relationship.

 

Getting pregnant again from a MM would be just impossible since I'm not having sex with him (or any other) ever again. This one time was more than enough.

 

I just hope someone can learn from my stupidity and this experience in general.