Next Steps After Long Marriage

February 15, 2015

Hello-

I am a first time "poster" who has been reading through the forums for about a week. I have been impressed with you guys, so thanks for the solid advice, kindness you show to others, and overall tone of the forums.

I recently separated from my wife of almost 15 years, though we have actually been together closer to 20. I am going through a period of hurt and pain that I simply couldn't have imagined was coming. That's pretty dumb, considering that we have been together more than half our lives.

Honestly, the hurt and pain is so great that I don't know what to do. I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that love and support me. But I can barely get out of bed at this point, let alone be great at work and be a super dad to my two kids. Any advice how to get through this? Is it as simple as giving myself time to heal, grieve, and cope?

One other issue... Our separation has been very amicable and there is not much anger. This has almost made things worse! Having been separated only even this short period of time has brought some incredible perspective on how my wife and I have gotten here and where my own failings have been. That being said, I just want to call her, tell her I miss her, and that we gotta' fix this. I'm sure this is just a horrible idea, though. Right?!

When we last spoke (about 2 weeks ago) our agreement was that we would separate for 6 months and reevaluate things at that point (whether to pursue counseling and try to reconcile or just move forward with a divorce). We both feel that fixing things would be quite difficult if not impossible, but that time has a funny way with things. So, we would both try to use this time for perspective.

This is where my confusion lies... By hoping for reconciliation, it is very difficult to "move on". But, by moving on, I run the risk of doing exactly that. Showing her no interest, love, conversation, and emotions will give her the opinion I am done. Or, it could give her the chance to move on, find someone else and put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. So, how do you handle such a quandary?

Thanks so much for reading and thanks in advance for any advice.

February 15, 2015

I'm no expert in these matters but I will give my 2 cents. I'm not sure why you guys separated, if its because you weren't putting in enough effort etc etc then maybe the best thing would be to show her that you do care and you will try but you can't contact her and tell her these things, you have to show her. Whether it be spending time with your kids and putting more effort into your relationship with them or your work, hobbies, etc.

It will hurt, especially because you have been together for so long. You're lucky to have friends and family there for you, use them. When you want to contact her, contact them instead. Also, this is very important as I found for myself, you need to take some time to yourself. I don't know if thats possible in your situation considering work and kids, but if you can take some time off from work and just have some time to yourself to grieve, it will do wonders.

Lastly, time is a great healer and it also puts alot of things in perspective. Give yourself time, dont worry or think about your wife. Focus on yourself and doing whats right for yourself. Dont worry about her coming back because she left you and the harsh truth is, she may never come back. So just focus on yourself, do what you think is right for you, talk to your friends and family as they would know how to guide you in the right track. I wish you the best of luck

February 15, 2015

Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/494306-day-one

LS member Day.One and his wife are separated but they are working on themselves to see if they can reconcile. I must say, quite the improvement on both of them.

Every relationship is different, but maybe you could get ideas from reading that one.

Edited February 15, 2015 by Light Breeze

February 15, 2015

For your own sake, you should proceed under the assumption that the relationship is over, rather than thinking that this is some kind of six month long test that you have to pass.

What will happen after that six months is unknown and unknowable.

Life should now be about learning how to take good care of yourself. That means taking good care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Here are a few tips that helped me:

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

6. Take care of your body:

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

February 15, 2015

First of all, thanks to everyone for their advice and help. It is truly appreciated.

Woke up last night at 3:00am and got no sleep the rest of the night. Started thinking about a post I saw she made on Facebook about going to yoga and what a great day she had. Then, of course, my next thoughts are "This is how it happens. She is going to meet someone through something like this, find happiness, and then move on." Yeah, I know it is silly and somewhat pathetic, but it hurts to even think about. So, it is time to "unfriend" her on Facebook :-)

Then, I began to think about how when later today she and I need will have to meet to exchange custody of our kids. I thought I would take her to the side and say "I understand we have agreed on a 6 month separation and that this will be good for the both of us. However, we haven't discussed how we will handle our interpersonal communication. Do you feel it is best to occasionally discuss where we are with our feelings, or keep our feelings at an arms length away until the 6 months is over?"

After this, I fell back asleep (finally) and woke up to see your responses. I guess this last plan of action is not the best idea after all, huh? I get the opinion I should just begin "cutting" her out of my life as completely as possible and focusing on myself. Is this your two cents or should we be communicating more openly due to how long we have been involved?

Lastly, her mom and I have always been close. She reached out not long ago and told me to be sure to contact her if I need anything. I have thought about doing so and sharing my concerns/feelings with her. Maybe I could even get some insight on how to proceed and where my wife is on things right now. Good idea? Bad?

Regardless of all this, I have read the above and my answers in this thread are probably right there. Move on, no contact, focus on myself, cut her out of things, etc. I guess I just am having a hard time making any rational decisions right now because of the hurt and pain and need assurance on what is probably the best decisions to make.

Thanks so much again.

February 15, 2015

I have no advice to give you as im not qualified but I feel your pain terribly, I have been 7 months apart frtom my wife married nearly 18 years toghetehr nearly 20 years, not going to kid you but it sucks it hurts and it will take a long time to get used to I believe I am not nearly there myself but today is 3 days without crying and for me that's a record this past 7 months, good luck mate you need it I am thinking of you a praying for you

February 15, 2015

I agree with Satu that it's best to approach this as if it's over.

The practical reason is that it may be over; and it's better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to remain optimistic and become disappointed.

The underlying reason is that you need perspective on the relationship and to grow as a person. Doing this helps you no matter the outcome regarding your marriage. And those things happen with time apart, and allowing yourself to go into the emptiness that you feel. If you run from grief and emptiness, you can't let go. And if you can't let go, you can't gain perspective on yourself and your contributions to the deterioration of the relationship.

There's a great book for you to read about going into the grief and gaining insight: Make up, Don't Break Up.

Someone else mentioned Day.One's thread. I love that thread. There are so many insights. But also note that there are two willing partners who want to repair things there. You don't necessarily have that. So read it for lessons on growing as person with regard to relationships, but don't think that you can do the same things he's doing, because practically, you aren't working with the same resources of two people working toward repair. Maybe someday you'll be there, but we don't know that yet.

This is where my confusion lies... By hoping for reconciliation, it is very difficult to "move on". But, by moving on, I run the risk of doing exactly that. Showing her no interest, love, conversation, and emotions will give her the opinion I am done. Or, it could give her the chance to move on, find someone else and put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. So, how do you handle such a quandary?

First, accept that you have zero control over whether she meets someone else and pursues that. Zero. That's not something new, by the way. She's always been a person separate from you, and she could always choose to be with someone else. She just chose to be with you. Now she's chosen not to be with you, but nothing else has changed.

By remaining in contact and pushing for closeness, you may actually push her away and toward other options. You will continue to provide her safety in making her choice by remaining an option for her to go back to. Also, you would make it easier on any new guys by not letting them have to pick up the slack and be her emotional support, because she can always turn to you to get a hit of it. So there she is, in between the old and the new, doing just fine. She gets the security of the old and the fun of the new.

Don't do that to yourself. Have courage to let go, because it's best for you and standing up for yourself and what you want and need. And she has asked for 6 months of separation. Why would you want to cushion that blow for her? Respect her choice to be without you and let her see what that is like. It's not punishing her, it's the reality of what she wants. Have confidence that being with you wasn't all bad. There were plenty of good things. Let her live without those, too.

And yes, by moving on, you do risk moving on. But what's the definition of that?

Moving on doesn't have to involve another person on your end. That's always a choice.
A person can move on while still being by themselves, because true "moving on" is an emotional process.
Someone can go through the motions of moving on without ever actually doing it, right? Those are the rebounders, the ones who use new people to help them through the pain. That's not moving on.
And others can emotionally move on when they're still in a committed relationship.

Moving on is an internal process and it's the best choice for someone who has been left behind and wouldn't have chosen that for themselves. It does not prevent reconciliation, it just leaves the person in a much healthier position where they can either reenter the relationship as the best version of themselves, or they can see that there is a possibility of a happy future without their ex. Moving on is scary, but you've got to do it so you are strong.

Notice that I said that you should make choices with your best interest in mind. You've had years of being in the mindset that you needed to make choices with the best interest of the relationship in mind, or with your ex in mind. Now, decisions are about you, and you only. That is what she did when she chose to end things, so you do that too.

Then, I began to think about how when later today she and I need will have to meet to exchange custody of our kids. I thought I would take her to the side and say "I understand we have agreed on a 6 month separation and that this will be good for the both of us. However, we haven't discussed how we will handle our interpersonal communication. Do you feel it is best to occasionally discuss where we are with our feelings, or keep our feelings at an arms length away until the 6 months is over?"

Well, you don't say whether there are ground rules to the 6 months. It sounds like you are considered broken up and free to see others, so I will proceed to advise you with that in mind.

If that is the agreement, then, yes, don't pull her aside. In this scenario, separateness is really important. Let her experience fully what she thinks she wants - a life without you. Have confidence in yourself that even though there were parts of the relationship she didn't like, a decision to leave usually skips over the positive parts of the relationship that the one who is leaving takes for granted.

There are many psychological reasons for the person leaving to demonize and focus on the negatives of the relationship. The decision to leave is a painful one; most who leave protect themselves emotionally by building up an arsenal of the negatives about the relationship and their partner. This allows them to get the courage to leave, and it allows them to avoid questioning themselves or feeling guilty. All the positives are left by the wayside, and they will remain that way until reality hits, which normally takes 2 to 3 months. Right now she's still riding the high of relief that she did it. She'll continue justifying to herself why her decision was the right one.

So if she's decided that you're over with, it's so very important to stay away and let her experience the loss of you. Popping in to try to "be there" and connect allows her a little hit of the positives of you, and it makes it easier for her to stay away.

Also, staying away is being respectful of her decision. If she meant to do this by throwing away your relationship with an expectation that you'd still be there for her, then she needs a rude awakening about how to treat people. When the relationship is over, you owe her nothing. If she still thinks you owe her something, she is being selfish and short-sighted and you should refuse in spite of the guilt trips.

So, from now on, you are just a dad in a business relationship with her where the joint project that you are both responsible for are raising kids. You will have to be in touch to discuss the kids and it's so important that you keep on task and not allow emotional discussions that are about her needs, or leftover resentments from the relationship, to slip into needed parenting discussions.

For a spouse wanting to emotionally connect (without taking responsibility for that and being up front about it) many topics can be presented as if they were about the kids, but some critical thinking may allow you to see that it is truly about her and her wants and needs. Kid topics are logistics of exchanging them, and the physical health, emotional health, and education choices of said kids. Anything else is not truly necessary to discuss.

If you're in this trying to avoid allowing her little hits of connection with you, it's important for you to critically evaluate whether things are actually about the kids. Many a separated and divorced dad gets buffeted about by manipulative ex during co-parenting, because they remain willfully ignorant that just mentioning a kid doesn't mean the issue is about the kid. The ex just has to act huffy and offended that the co-parent could ever think they'd resort to such things, and the guy will back right down. Don't be that guy. You are equivalent parents, you are not her employee and she doesn't necessarily know best.

Also, don't be Mr. Fix It and go over and help her with a leaking sink, a cupboard that doesn't close correctly, or a car that won't start. She'll tell you it's for the kids. It's not, it's for her. It's for a woman who wants to be single without actually being single. Don't shield her from the downsides. There are many perks she enjoyed by being in a relationship with the other parent of her children, and she will try to get you to continue those to make her life without you easier. Nope. If the car breaks down and she can't pick up a kid, tell her "Good luck with AAA" and go by yourself and pick up the kid in your car.

Her problems are her problems, and the only parenting matter is getting the kid home. See how that separation works? Maintain that disconnection and don't think you can "nice" your way back into being appreciated. It doesn't work that way. Don't let her tell you that you're being a bad father for not helping her. Nope, you're there for your kids, not her. They aren't a unit and she needs to be self-sufficient, because not having you there to help her was her choice.

If you feel like she's trying to emotionally connect with you, don't allow it. Don't allow it even if it feels good; we've discussed the reasons above about why you have to let her fully live with her decision. Wait for those six months are up unless she comes to you and is 100% forthright about wanting to call off the waiting period. Anything else is her looking to use you to feel better and more courageous about her decision. Don't give her that. If it was the right one for her, she shouldn't need your support to see it through. Let her be a big girl and deal with the negatives of a life without you; it's what she said she wanted.

Edited February 15, 2015 by idoltree

February 15, 2015

Thanks so much for your thought and prayers. You are too kind, especially for a stranger! Same goes out to you.

February 15, 2015

Idoltree, thank you so much as well. There is so much here to consider and follow that I will read and re-read this for quite a while. Thank you for your time, honesty, and effort. I may even shoot some questions back at you if I need any clarification.

I will continue to post as things arise. Each day - even each portion of the day - is so different that I never know what will come. Stay tuned :-)

February 15, 2015

I agree with Satu that it's best to approach this as if it's over.

The practical reason is that it may be over; and it's better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to remain optimistic and become disappointed.

The underlying reason is that you need perspective on the relationship and to grow as a person. Doing this helps you no matter the outcome regarding your marriage. And those things happen with time apart, and allowing yourself to go into the emptiness that you feel. If you run from grief and emptiness, you can't let go. And if you can't let go, you can't gain perspective on yourself and your contributions to the deterioration of the relationship.

There's a great book for you to read about going into the grief and gaining insight: Make up, Don't Break Up.

Someone else mentioned Day.One's thread. I love that thread. There are so many insights. But also note that there are two willing partners who want to repair things there. You don't necessarily have that. So read it for lessons on growing as person with regard to relationships, but don't think that you can do the same things he's doing, because practically, you aren't working with the same resources of two people working toward repair. Maybe someday you'll be there, but we don't know that yet.

First, accept that you have zero control over whether she meets someone else and pursues that. Zero. That's not something new, by the way. She's always been a person separate from you, and she could always choose to be with someone else. She just chose to be with you. Now she's chosen not to be with you, but nothing else has changed.

By remaining in contact and pushing for closeness, you may actually push her away and toward other options. You will continue to provide her safety in making her choice by remaining an option for her to go back to. Also, you would make it easier on any new guys by not letting them have to pick up the slack and be her emotional support, because she can always turn to you to get a hit of it. So there she is, in between the old and the new, doing just fine. She gets the security of the old and the fun of the new.

Don't do that to yourself. Have courage to let go, because it's best for you and standing up for yourself and what you want and need. And she has asked for 6 months of separation. Why would you want to cushion that blow for her? Respect her choice to be without you and let her see what that is like. It's not punishing her, it's the reality of what she wants. Have confidence that being with you wasn't all bad. There were plenty of good things. Let her live without those, too.

And yes, by moving on, you do risk moving on. But what's the definition of that?

Moving on doesn't have to involve another person on your end. That's always a choice.
A person can move on while still being by themselves, because true "moving on" is an emotional process.
Someone can go through the motions of moving on without ever actually doing it, right? Those are the rebounders, the ones who use new people to help them through the pain. That's not moving on.
And others can emotionally move on when they're still in a committed relationship.
Moving on is an internal process and it's the best choice for someone who has been left behind and wouldn't have chosen that for themselves. It does not prevent reconciliation, it just leaves the person in a much healthier position where they can either reenter the relationship as the best version of themselves, or they can see that there is a possibility of a happy future without their ex. Moving on is scary, but you've got to do it so you are strong.

Notice that I said that you should make choices with your best interest in mind. You've had years of being in the mindset that you needed to make choices with the best interest of the relationship in mind, or with your ex in mind. Now, decisions are about you, and you only. That is what she did when she chose to end things, so you do that too.

Well, you don't say whether there are ground rules to the 6 months. It sounds like you are considered broken up and free to see others, so I will proceed to advise you with that in mind.

If that is the agreement, then, yes, don't pull her aside. In this scenario, separateness is really important. Let her experience fully what she thinks she wants - a life without you. Have confidence in yourself that even though there were parts of the relationship she didn't like, a decision to leave usually skips over the positive parts of the relationship that the one who is leaving takes for granted.

There are many psychological reasons for the person leaving to demonize and focus on the negatives of the relationship. The decision to leave is a painful one; most who leave protect themselves emotionally by building up an arsenal of the negatives about the relationship and their partner. This allows them to get the courage to leave, and it allows them to avoid questioning themselves or feeling guilty. All the positives are left by the wayside, and they will remain that way until reality hits, which normally takes 2 to 3 months. Right now she's still riding the high of relief that she did it. She'll continue justifying to herself why her decision was the right one.

So if she's decided that you're over with, it's so very important to stay away and let her experience the loss of you. Popping in to try to "be there" and connect allows her a little hit of the positives of you, and it makes it easier for her to stay away.

Also, staying away is being respectful of her decision. If she meant to do this by throwing away your relationship with an expectation that you'd still be there for her, then she needs a rude awakening about how to treat people. When the relationship is over, you owe her nothing. If she still thinks you owe her something, she is being selfish and short-sighted and you should refuse in spite of the guilt trips.

So, from now on, you are just a dad in a business relationship with her where the joint project that you are both responsible for are raising kids. You will have to be in touch to discuss the kids and it's so important that you keep on task and not allow emotional discussions that are about her needs, or leftover resentments from the relationship, to slip into needed parenting discussions.

For a spouse wanting to emotionally connect (without taking responsibility for that and being up front about it) many topics can be presented as if they were about the kids, but some critical thinking may allow you to see that it is truly about her and her wants and needs. Kid topics are logistics of exchanging them, and the physical health, emotional health, and education choices of said kids. Anything else is not truly necessary to discuss.

If you're in this trying to avoid allowing her little hits of connection with you, it's important for you to critically evaluate whether things are actually about the kids. Many a separated and divorced dad gets buffeted about by manipulative ex during co-parenting, because they remain willfully ignorant that just mentioning a kid doesn't mean the issue is about the kid. The ex just has to act huffy and offended that the co-parent could ever think they'd resort to such things, and the guy will back right down. Don't be that guy. You are equivalent parents, you are not her employee and she doesn't necessarily know best.

Also, don't be Mr. Fix It and go over and help her with a leaking sink, a cupboard that doesn't close correctly, or a car that won't start. She'll tell you it's for the kids. It's not, it's for her. It's for a woman who wants to be single without actually being single. Don't shield her from the downsides. There are many perks she enjoyed by being in a relationship with the other parent of her children, and she will try to get you to continue those to make her life without you easier. Nope. If the car breaks down and she can't pick up a kid, tell her "Good luck with AAA" and go by yourself and pick up the kid in your car.

Her problems are her problems, and the only parenting matter is getting the kid home. See how that separation works? Maintain that disconnection and don't think you can "nice" your way back into being appreciated. It doesn't work that way. Don't let her tell you that you're being a bad father for not helping her. Nope, you're there for your kids, not her. They aren't a unit and she needs to be self-sufficient, because not having you there to help her was her choice.

If you feel like she's trying to emotionally connect with you, don't allow it. Don't allow it even if it feels good; we've discussed the reasons above about why you have to let her fully live with her decision. Wait for those six months are up unless she comes to you and is 100% forthright about wanting to call off the waiting period. Anything else is her looking to use you to feel better and more courageous about her decision. Don't give her that. If it was the right one for her, she shouldn't need your support to see it through. Let her be a big girl and deal with the negatives of a life without you; it's what she said she wanted.

^^^ This ^^^

Save and reread often.

February 15, 2015

Idoltree, thank you so much as well. There is so much here to consider and follow that I will read and re-read this for quite a while. Thank you for your time, honesty, and effort. I may even shoot some questions back at you if I need any clarification.

I will continue to post as things arise. Each day - even each portion of the day - is so different that I never know what will come. Stay tuned :-)

You're quite welcome!

If you need a timely answer, your best chance of catching me is private message since I'm not subscribed to your thread. (I think you need a certain number of posts to be able to PM).

February 17, 2015

Hi All-

I thought I'd write in and give an update as to how things have progressed since the last few posts.

So far, I have successfully fought off the urge to contact my wife and tell her my feelings. As discussed, it is too important to let her have the time and space that we have agreed upon. She needs to experience this without interruption from me and in any way in which I could confuse things.

I did talk with her mom for quite a while last night, as she has been a good friend to me through the years and has both of our best interests at heart. She stressed the importance of using this time (and energy) to focus on myself and improving me (as opposed to thinking/stressing on my wife). She also felt that my wife and I were in two different places right now... I have had some time to begin to reflect, while she has not had this for various reasons. This may not be the case a few months from now, but it is for the time being. So any emotional contact would probably be for naught. This was good for me to hear, as it put to rest the issue of contacting her.

As for myself, I have been an absolute mess. I am not a crier at all. As a matter of fact, I can count on two hands how many times I have done so since I was young. But, I have been on the verge of - or in - tears practically at all times recently. This is a very different, new experience for me and the pain is extremely great. I simply didn't know it was possible to hurt this badly inside.

Regardless, I am now ready to commit to the following:

Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

This will be the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it. I know I will screw up some times and fail. But, I also know that somehow, someway I will make it through. Probably just by taking it one day at a time and leaning on those that love me.

So, this is where you guys come in... I could use some feedback on my commitment: How is it possible to move on, accept things, and let go when the pain is so great right now? I believe that I am probably still in crisis mode, since things are all so new. Honestly, I don't know my head from a hole in the ground and can barely make it though the day, let alone make great emotional strides.

Is it possible to do these things during this period of grief, or do I just need to give myself some time before I can begin to?

As always, thanks in advance.

February 17, 2015

First off, I think that you should cry. Take some time, throw on some sad music, and just get it all out. It's okay to cry, even if you aren't a "crier". You are someone who has feelings, and the end of a 15 year marriage has to hurt. Everything I read tells me that time heals all wounds, and I think your case is no different. If you think that you are still in crisis mode, you probably are. Grieve your loss, and feel your emotions. It's okay to be sad, or upset. I'm not sure you'll make significant changes so quickly. They will come with time.

February 17, 2015

Snip

Hi All-

So, this is where you guys come in... I could use some feedback on my commitment: How is it possible to move on, accept things, and let go when the pain is so great right now? I believe that I am probably still in crisis mode, since things are all so new. Honestly, I don't know my head from a hole in the ground and can barely make it though the day, let alone make great emotional strides.

Is it possible to do these things during this period of grief, or do I just need to give myself some time before I can begin to?

As always, thanks in advance.

You have to start from where you are right now.

That means allowing your feelings to come and go, without suppressing them, or criticising yourself for having them. By allowing them, and feeling them, a process of release begins. When people resist their feelings, the feelings become stuck and the person feels numb or empty. Thats not good. Don't do that.

Cry when you feel the need - that's an important part of the healing process.

You are right in the thick of it now, but your feelings will settle down to a more tolerable level over the next few days and weeks.

Get physical: Go for walks and exercise in whatever way feels good for you.

Eat delicious and healthy food.

Visit an art gallery or museum and look at some things you've never seen before.

Get out amongst the beauty and majesty of nature. Camp out in the backcountry for a night or two.

Go to a concert of music from a composer you don't know much about.

Make things. It doesn't matter what.

Get a good haircut.

Read many books.

Write your thoughts down. That's one of the most effective healing tools there are.

Engage with people you meet. Pay attention to people and be sociable.

Take a good multivitamin supplement.

Acknowledge your strengths and build on them.

Get the idea that change is good. Make changes.

Respect yourself. Really respect yourself.

Be grateful for every day.

Things will come together over time.

You'll be OK.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Satu

February 17, 2015

This will be the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it. I know I will screw up some times and fail. But, I also know that somehow, someway I will make it through. Probably just by taking it one day at a time and leaning on those that love me.

So, this is where you guys come in... I could use some feedback on my commitment: How is it possible to move on, accept things, and let go when the pain is so great right now? I believe that I am probably still in crisis mode, since things are all so new. Honestly, I don't know my head from a hole in the ground and can barely make it though the day, let alone make great emotional strides.

Is it possible to do these things during this period of grief, or do I just need to give myself some time before I can begin to?

As always, thanks in advance.

It's going to be a struggle, that much is certain. Everything has changed and you didn't want it to. You'll feel a loss, you'll feel fear, you'll feel worry, you'll feel all of the things that most people try like hell to never have to feel in their lives... but none of us escape those feelings.

This is a challenge for you. One where you balance feeling those feelings and keeping your eyes on the prize. Day by day is a good way to go. Know that most days when you wake up, you're going to feel different. It's like the opposite of the movie Groundhog Day - every day is so different and unrelated. You can feel okay going to bed, and wake up a mess. You can be devastated falling asleep, and feel pretty good when you wake up. It's really off-putting. And in the early days, you'll have several shifts throughout the day, even. Just ride them out, because you'll get through this.

For the time being, do what you feel like doing. If that's crying in a heap on your bed, do that. If you want to distract yourself, go out to a movie. If you want to eat junk food, eat junk food. Do whatever you feel like. Your mind and body will tell you, and listen to it. Just have confidence that those dark times will pass, because they will.

In some time, start thinking about some improvements you'd like to make in your own life. Is there a sport you'd always wanted to pick up? I know with guys, gym time can absolutely help. Lifting weights is extremely therapeutic. Maybe you want to learn a new language or skill. Maybe you have a hobby that gets you out of your head. See where I'm going with this? You've got time to focus on you, so make the best of it. Now is your time to supplement your life with things you'd always wanted to do, but maybe you didn't have the time or the motivation.

Are there any mens' groups in your area? That might be a great place for you, and likely there will be guys who have been through something similar to you. And I think that anything that gets men talking about feelings and their lives and knowing that they are supported is a good thing.

Your goal is to come out of this with a recognition of who you are at the core, but an improved version of yourself. Not because you need improvement, but because this is what breakups and heartbreak can do - push you into moving forward. Finding things about yourself that you never knew you could do. Figuring out what you're capable of. Surprising people who have known you for a long time.

Doing all of these things will bring you perspective. That's the end game. Perspective keeps widening, and, I know you don't believe it, but you will arrive at a day where you question whether the marriage is right for you. It's like looking out the window of a plane as you ascend over a city; you lose detail, but you gain views of the whole city. This is the process you will go through regarding your marriage, and it requires time and dedication.

Don't be tempted to turn to your wife for answers or soothing. You may panic, and think that she is the answer. But she's not, she doesn't want to be the answer right now. She wants space and you have to consistently give that to her. Consistency in action is what other people pay attention to, so try your hardest not to slip up. She may not want to give you soothing or answers, and even if she does, you can't trust what she says. Remember that she has built up a case against you, about why you are wrong for her and the marriage won't work.

She's on her own journey right now, and if you put up boundaries with her, you also force her to have to gain her own version of perspective on you and the relationship, away from the case that she has built up. There is plenty that she didn't include in her case, so time and distance to give her perspective can be a very good thing if you think about it that way.

Right now, you want the marriage to her. You may end up in that same place, you may not. Right now, she has doubts about the marriage to you. She may end up in that same place, but she may not.

This is your time to grow and reach for perspective. Use this time as a gift. You get one life, and you will, one way or another, figure out what is right for you. No matter what happens, even if you end up wanting the marriage and it still ends, you'll be able to walk away as a fantastic version of yourself. And I guarantee there is love, laughter, passion and fulfillment out there to find if you and your wife don't work things out. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Try and let go as best you can in the meantime.

Day by day, step by step, eyes on the prize.

February 17, 2015

Thanks, everyone... Such good stuff.

For the first time in a while I have decided to NOT go visit anyone or "find an activity" for myself tonight. I know that I need to occasionally feel the emptiness, loneliness and heartache of being alone. And, I need to learn how to accept and be okay with how this feels. I think this is one way of moving on and facing things head on. I'll also use this time to "decompress" and consider all the great advice and feedback you guys have given me.

One other note... I have found a support group of sorts for people going through separation and divorce. I will try that out tomorrow night and see how that goes. Hopefully, it will help to be around people who are going through similar experiences.

I am truly lucky to have found this forum and all the good people who are kind enough to give strangers like me the time of day. So, thank you.

February 19, 2015

Hey guys-

Just an update… Coming off a rough day and have found that putting down my feelings “on paper” truly helps. So, hope you don’t mind me using this forum as a sounding board.

I spent Monday night forcing myself to be alone and facing my emotions and feelings… I eventually rented a movie and managed my way through things pretty well up until about ten minutes before the movie ended. For some reason, I found myself thinking of my wife dating and being with other men. I felt like I got punched in the stomach… It was simply nauseating. I am not sure why this continues to come up in my mind, but I continue to have dreams about this and my thought stray to the issue quite a bit. Regardless, after ruminating on this for a while, I forced my attention back onto the end of the movie and managed to finish up that day.

Tuesday was a bit better. I went to the support group I mentioned I would attend. I will definitely go back, but was slightly discouraged by the fact that the other ten people in my group were already WAY past what I have been going through. So, I really can’t relate to what they are feeling and their emotions. That aside, I will go back as maybe I can learn something through them and simply gain strength by being around others with a common bond.

Then today struck. Someone asked me if I had set any ground rules with my wife about dating during our six month separation… I told him that we had not, but that I was under that assumption that all was “fair game”. He mentioned it may be good to discuss this with her, as nothing could be worse than to try to reconcile six months from now, only to find that one had been seeing people while the other partner had not. There is some wisdom in this.

After thinking about this quite a bit, I decided not to approach this topic with her. Right now, she is her own girl and has the right to her own space and privacy. Further, I don’t trust my own intentions in asking her this. This simply may be a way for me to try to control her during this period so I don’t have to deal with thoughts like I had while watching the movie Monday night. I hope this is the right decision, but please let me know you if guys feel differently. I still honestly don’t know the correct answer here.

Back to today… It was one of those days you never want to repeat in your life. Simply getting out of bed required me to lift one foot and then the other to complete the task. The same goes for making my coffee, getting to my morning meeting, answering emails, etc. I spent the entire day feeling like I had a deep, dark hole in my stomach and missing my wife terribly bad. I just kept reminding myself that I have to approach this like the marriage is over, move on, accept things for what they are, let go and focus that energy on myself. I also have to stop putting her on a pedestal, as she was just as responsible for our separation as I was. Simply put, I had been miserable in the marriage for a long time and it is easy to forget that side of things.

Tonight, I got my kids back, which helped. At one point, I jumped on Facebook… I had been waiting for my wife to post something so I could “block” her w/o un-friending her. She finally had posted something and - of course - it was something about cute guys on Instagram. Another kick in the gut right when I was starting to feel better about the day.

Regardless, one day at time, one step at a time. I made it though this day and things will get better. There is a life out there that is good with or without her. It will just take some time to grow and heal.

Thanks.

February 19, 2015

You are doing all the right things. Carry on as you are and it will get easier.

Stick to no contact as much as you can. Stick to it 100%, if you can.

Above all else, do not try to have any of your needs met by you ex. You have to get those needs met in other ways.

Here is an article about NC.

You're doing very well. Just keep going.

February 19, 2015

Ground rules are necessary. Assuming you're on the same page can lead to even worse hurt. You both need to agree that you either can or can not date other people while separated. And if either of you change your mind about this, you must tell the other person so they have the same options.

If you both hope to reconcile later, then I strongly advise that you both agree to not date or see anyone else romantically or sexually. If not, then do as you each please, knowing that it will probably guarantee divorce later. Also consider that your behavior while separated (unless both are doing the same) may impact the financial and custodial decisions handed down by the judge in your divorce, if such behavior is brought to their attention.

February 19, 2015

Thanks, Satu... This is good advice and makes clear some ramifications I didn't know existed.

February 20, 2015

Hi all-

I have been given the advice to approach the dating issue with her by asking her to meet me for a few minutes over coffee. The hardest part is how to broach the subject without it seeming to be controlling or intrusive into her space and time during our period of separation. My sister suggested just simply asking her "in your opinion is dating while we are separated going to help or hinder our relationship?"

I could also just say that I want to keep the relationship from souring during any part of the separation process and then ask if she feels we should date considering the ramifications it could have to either of us in our decision to (or to not reconcile).

Any words of wisdom?

Thanks, guys.

February 20, 2015

Hi all-
I have been given the advice to approach the dating issue with her by asking her to meet me for a few minutes over coffee. The hardest part is how to broach the subject without it seeming to be controlling or intrusive into her space and time during our period of separation. My sister suggested just simply asking her "in your opinion is dating while we are separated going to help or hinder our relationship?"

I could also just say that I want to keep the relationship from souring during any part of the separation process and then ask if she feels we should date considering the ramifications it could have to either of us in our decision to (or to not reconcile).

Any words of wisdom?

Thanks, guys.

This is very risky.

It could very easily be misconstrued as controlling and/or intrusive, even if you state plainly that that isn't your intention.

If I were in your position, I wouldn't do it.

I would focus on myself, and let her focus on herself.

Honestly, that is what I would do.

Focus on self.

Sign In

Next Steps After Long Marriage

Recommended Posts

TexasMike

geronimo

Light Breeze

Satu

TexasMike

ralfgarnett

idoltree

TexasMike

TexasMike

Satu

idoltree

TexasMike

na49

Satu

idoltree

TexasMike

TexasMike

Satu

central

TexasMike

TexasMike

Satu

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...