Starting to actually hate my boyfriend. Worst Valentine's Day ever.

[ascendotum]

So many who come on this forum with 3-5 year relationships that go pear- shaped, I guess could be happily married, had marriage been mentioned sooner.

That's the optimist view. The pessimist view would be when things went down the tubes at the 3 yr mark...'thank goodness we didn't get married'

 

Also I saw this...

"When he knows that I have serious medical problems.. even at this point, it would be difficult for me to have a healthy pregnancy"

So it seems like she wont have any more children. Could very much be legitimate unfortunate circumstance, or it could be a semi excuse that she thinks this guy is not worthy to have a family with. We wont know for sure, but if the guy sniffs out its the later, then don't blame him for not getting married, along with those other issues.

 

How many woman would be reluctant to want to marry a guy with serious health issues? (plenty). I personally think some women put way too much emphasize on V-day and its stupid to benchmark their guy's love based on what her other friends bf's did for V-day. Its clear though v-day was just a trigger for other long standing issues though. She wants what she wants which is fine and if this guy is not going to deliver then break up. After 4+yrs it should be able to be managed amicably so he has a chance to find a place to live. This 1 days notice is BS. If you are not covered by tenancy law, then it seems like its prudent to get your gf/bf to sign a contract when you move in to protect yourself. Hardly romantic but savvy.

 

She might be better off with a single father. Lots of single guys will be reluctant to marry a single mom that wont have children with them. If she reads the other thread running here on dating single moms, many guys wont live with one full stop, so its not like he's some total prick, but he should be honest with her.

Edited February 16, 2015 by ascendotum

[bathtub-row]

^^^ this^^^

Agreed.

So many who come on this forum with 3-5 year relationships that go pear- shaped, I guess could be happily married, had marriage been mentioned sooner.

I think many women stick around waiting for the proposal or some indication that the relationship is going somewhere and when it doesn't come, leave, but have wasted 2-4 years of their life, when they should have given the ultimatum at around a year.

The men are then knocked sideways, when she leaves, as they were quite happy pottering around.

 

I've never had a guy "potter" around. Before the first year of dating was up, they were talking about marriage. This excludes my huge lack of judgement with the married guy, of course, and it's not to say that the ones I married turned out to be great relationships, but at least they had a sense of urgency about taking me off the market. I'm just pointing out that not all guys are clueless on this subject.

Edited February 16, 2015 by bathtub-row

[elaine567]

I want someone that wants to commit to me, possibly even have more kids one day.

 

Lots of single guys will be reluctant to marry a single mom that wont have children with them.

 

Read the thread, Kalika wants more kids.

[kalika]

The long and the short of it. . . . he wanted to get married, but I don't think he ever wanted to marry me. I think I was just the person who was there, and he benefited from all that I did for him and his son. He bought me an engagement ring and talked about getting married all the time. Then, he would say he was unsure, and round and round we would go. I stayed for 3 years, hoping he would come through, but it never happened. I felt very betrayed, resentful, and used because I had been a mother to his son. I invested 3 years of my life with his son, and I don't regret that. When I would think about leaving, I would always feel pulled back because of my commitment to his son.

 

As to the WHY we broke up, I just don't think he loved me unconditionally. I think he had wanted out of the relationship for awhile, and he used me until I was no longer of use to him. I don't think there was any one reason he left me, though I'm pretty sure he had his eye on someone else. He got engaged to another women very quickly after we broke up. You can actually read all of my threads about him. I guess the bottom line is that I don't know the reason, but he made is clear in many subtle ways that he didn't want to commit to me. He was also very verbally abusive to me, so I'm glad to be out of that part of it. We just weren't a good match in a lot of ways. Our views on life and lover were so different, and he was never accepting of me.

 

 

That stinks BC. I'm sorry you had to go through that.. that's always especially tough when you've spent a long time with someone..

 

Read the thread, Kalika wants more kids.

 

I am not 100% sure that I want more kids, but I would at least like it to be an option.. I wouldn't want to be with someone that was saying absolutely no to more kids.

[kalika]

I've never had a guy "potter" around. Before the first year of dating was up, they were talking about marriage. This excludes my huge lack of judgement with the married guy, of course, and it's not to say that the ones I married turned out to be great relationships, but at least they had a sense of urgency about taking me off the market. I'm just pointing out that not all guys are clueless on this subject.

No, they're definitely not all clueless! I firmly believe that when a guy wants to marry, he'll let you know it.

 

In the last 4.5 years I've been with my boyfriend, I have seen no less than 8 couples get married - all of whom were together less time than us. One of them, for example, met his girlfriend about a year after I met my boyfriend - and they've already been married over a year now! I'm trying not to compare, but seriously...

 

I know that my bf was in a different situation - he had a lot of financial issues relating to his parents' business going bankrupt - but that was always his excuse and now that's all (mostly) resolved. Depressing, but if he really wanted to marry me I'm positive I would have never had to even question it.

 

The whole time that I have been questioning our future, as time kept dragging on and on and on, I kept feeling like I wasn't good enough.. maybe I wasn't pretty enough, or maybe it was my medical problems that made him not want to commit.. and on and on... It didn't really help matters any when I would say something and he would use that against me as a reason for not committing. It's not a good feeling at all..

 

Bottom line - it isn't happening.. even if he proposed at this point, I think I'd be so bitter and resentful.. It's too pointless. I dragged my feet ending it once and for all though, that was dumb of me.

Edited February 16, 2015 by kalika

[kalika]

So I just have to say this, the "pattern" is happening again.

 

Today he went to the grocery store and bought some food and for whatever reason, decided to buy a box of valentine's day chocolates (?!?!?!?) and then earlier today he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight..

 

He's trying to be nice now and it's ridiculously annoying, because this is what he ALWAYS does.

 

We get into a fight, and then suddenly he's nice and helps out around the house more for a few days, and then things go back to normal because we have our routine and my son to take care of, and then the fight slowly gets forgotten but never resolved.. until it happens again. And again and again. Round and round we go.

 

He's trying to be all jokey with me and this sounds crazy but I'm trying to stay mad at him.. this sounds stupid but I'm afraid this will cycle never stop, if I keep forgetting how mad at him I am..

[mightycpa]

You could be in for some unwelcome news. If you're near Atlanta, then you're in GA, and that means that you're in a state that pretty much doesn't regulate leases. Each party's responsibility is as stated in the lease. If, for example, his lease expires in August, then you may not be able to kick him out until August. More, depending on how the lease is written, he may actually be the tenant, with sole rights to the property and you are his guest and you are renting the house to him for a song (one half). It depends on how the lease describes what you're renting (a bedroom, half-occupancy or the property).

 

You might do very well to take a couple hundred bucks to a sharp real estate attorney to explore your options, especially because you're dealing with an experienced landlord. No doubt this was his lease you signed. Lesson learned, I hope.

 

Here's a link that will help get you started in understanding where you stand: Georgia Landord/Tenant Handbook

[bathtub-row]

So I just have to say this, the "pattern" is happening again.

 

Today he went to the grocery store and bought some food and for whatever reason, decided to buy a box of valentine's day chocolates (?!?!?!?) and then earlier today he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight..

 

He's trying to be nice now and it's ridiculously annoying, because this is what he ALWAYS does.

 

We get into a fight, and then suddenly he's nice and helps out around the house more for a few days, and then things go back to normal because we have our routine and my son to take care of, and then the fight slowly gets forgotten but never resolved.. until it happens again. And again and again. Round and round we go.

 

He's trying to be all jokey with me and this sounds crazy but I'm trying to stay mad at him.. this sounds stupid but I'm afraid this will cycle never stop, if I keep forgetting how mad at him I am..

 

You recognize it as more of the same because that's exactly what it is. Either be ok with not being married or end it. And don't go to dinner with him. If you do, you'll be proving again that you're willing to lower your standards.

 

Being weak and overly nice will never get you anywhere.

Edited February 16, 2015 by bathtub-row

[ascendotum]

Today he went to the grocery store and bought some food and for whatever reason, decided to buy a box of valentine's day chocolates (?!?!?!?) and then earlier today he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight..

 

He's trying to be nice now and it's ridiculously annoying, because this is what he ALWAYS does.

 

We get into a fight, and then suddenly he's nice and helps out around the house more for a few days, and then things go back to normal because we have our routine and my son to take care of, and then the fight slowly gets forgotten but never resolved.

 

A LOT or relationships are like this and a lot of guys get sucked into this 'buying the misses some chocolates/flowers or sucking up' to get her out of the cranky mood. Also a lot of relationships are just daily humdrum routine too. You say things go back to normal, but that does mean he's controlling or abusive or violent or obnoxious or bone lazy or totally selfish or a jerk, like most days of the week normal?

Outside of the not proposing to you issue, I get the impression he's not romantic enough for you, which I can understand you would love. Don't forget from his perspective he's not #1 in your life but #2, behind your exe's son. Are you romantic & caring towards him daily (thats not just letting him have sex) . I saw how you said you stood by him when his dad had a stroke and few other things, but I wondering are you asking more of him daily than what he gets. Lots of guys don't expect a lot and many don't have high emotional IQ, so see the relationship from their simple needs perspective.

[BC1980]

So I just have to say this, the "pattern" is happening again.

 

Today he went to the grocery store and bought some food and for whatever reason, decided to buy a box of valentine's day chocolates (?!?!?!?) and then earlier today he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight..

 

He's trying to be nice now and it's ridiculously annoying, because this is what he ALWAYS does.

 

We get into a fight, and then suddenly he's nice and helps out around the house more for a few days, and then things go back to normal because we have our routine and my son to take care of, and then the fight slowly gets forgotten but never resolved.. until it happens again. And again and again. Round and round we go.

 

He's trying to be all jokey with me and this sounds crazy but I'm trying to stay mad at him.. this sounds stupid but I'm afraid this will cycle never stop, if I keep forgetting how mad at him I am..

 

Regardless of what he just did, the fact remains that he does not want to get married, and you do. So it really doesn't matter what he does at this point. Your wants and needs are not compatible with his. The chocolates and taking you to dinner is his way of putting a bandaid on the situation and distracting you from his refusal to commit in the way you want. So he is obviously willing to put just enough effort in to get the benefits if this situation. I think it's insulting to you.

[BC1980]

That stinks BC. I'm sorry you had to go through that.. that's always especially tough when you've spent a long time with someone.

 

It's a life lesson. Now, I no longer have tolerance for that type of BS and would leave if it happened again. I'm thankful he ended it, so I didn't waste more years on him.

[guest569]

. But the bf lost me when he made threats and I figure this relationship just needs to end.

 

Exactly, to me that is the bottom line.

[camillalev]

I think this was a planned con, and he damn well used you. He knew eventually you would want to kick him out and he made sure that lease was signed. He had no intention of marrying you, he just needed a warm bed, a roof over his head and a fake lease to get his business started. He's as shady as s hit. Now it makes total sense that he has done minimal for this relationship, and blew smoke up your butt when you started to question him.

 

 

 

Yup, from my POV this seems like exactly what is going on. This relationship seems very mentally and emotionally abusive. It can't be healthy for the son to be around.

[camillalev]

So I just have to say this, the "pattern" is happening again.

 

Today he went to the grocery store and bought some food and for whatever reason, decided to buy a box of valentine's day chocolates (?!?!?!?) and then earlier today he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight..

 

He's trying to be nice now and it's ridiculously annoying, because this is what he ALWAYS does.

 

We get into a fight, and then suddenly he's nice and helps out around the house more for a few days, and then things go back to normal because we have our routine and my son to take care of, and then the fight slowly gets forgotten but never resolved.. until it happens again. And again and again. Round and round we go.

 

He's trying to be all jokey with me and this sounds crazy but I'm trying to stay mad at him.. this sounds stupid but I'm afraid this will cycle never stop, if I keep forgetting how mad at him I am..

 

It's almost disgusting how well he's playing you.

 

I'm on your side and hope you leave this d bag, and realize you will never truly get what you want from him(genuine appreciation, love, emotional stability, marriage).

[camillalev]

So.. I just told him I wanted him to leave, that I'm done. He's paid his share of the bills up until the end of February.

 

He demanded that I give him 30 days' notice and said that he's not leaving sooner without a fight. He even said he'll get a lawyer and break my windows in if I try to change the locks or do anything. He also said that I haven't even begun to see what a dick he can be. He was yelling and swearing and unfortunately my son heard some of it but I made him go up to bed and tucked him in.

 

Now I'm back in my room and he's sitting in his office. I'm sure he won't leave without a huge fight and this will all happen in front of my son.

 

OP have you seriously thought about how this is impacting your son? This relationship clearly upsets him(and you) yet you allow it to continue. Do you have any idea how this might effect him in the long term. Yet now you're sitting here posting that you're "trying" to be mad at your SO and hopeing that you don't forgot why you're mad at him.

 

I really hope you get your head on straight and stop thinking about how you feel and start thinking about what is best for your child.

[Toodaloo]

Valentine's Day is no longer just about what will the woman get. Men are being gifted on Valentine's Day as well. What again did you do for him?

 

Am I missing something here? I thought women were always supposed to do something for their man as well?

 

I am actually really feeling for the bloke in this one. He clearly isn't romantic but is trying to be for OP. He doesn't think along the lines of a romantic meal out he thinks along the lines of food on the table.

 

Sorry but if that were me trying my hardest to look after someone and show them I love them by doing things for them I am afraid I would be pretty pee'd off and angry too.

 

When did sex become a weapon? When did sex become a "gift" or something that had to be paid for? I was always under the impression it should be an act between two consenting people and between to people SHARING the experience and expressing their love for one another.

 

OP I think you need to read some relationship manuals here. Try the 5 languages of love. It may help you both understand each other more and I bet if he can get an idea of how to express his love and you do too I think it would make for a much happier and stable relationship. The pair of you are not communicating your just shouting at each other.

[SycamoreCircle]

The whole time that I have been questioning our future, as time kept dragging on and on and on, I kept feeling like I wasn't good enough.. maybe I wasn't pretty enough, or maybe it was my medical problems that made him not want to commit.. and on and on... It didn't really help matters any when I would say something and he would use that against me as a reason for not committing. It's not a good feeling at all..

Here again I feel the issue is really about you---your anger, your insecurity.

 

Make whatever decision about keeping or leaving the guy, but when the dust clears you have to realize that your unhappiness has to do with you. A new guy with no financial worries, an unswerving romantic bent, and a more straightforward approach to handling women is not going to be the light and the truth.

 

We all have to make the best out of what we're working with. You shouldn't compare yourself to other people. If you're dissatisfied with your current situation, change that. But don't base your dissatisfaction on reasoning like you're supposed to have this, you're supposed to have that. Life is a journey and everyone must travel that journey at their own pace.

[SatyaShann]

Kalika, I've read through this entire post. I'm relatively new to the board (but have been a lurker for a while) and the strong feelings in your posts remind me of my own situation with a man about 5 years ago.

 

I'm not going to project my own personal experiences on you, since you have some very strong and assertive feelings of your own and this post isn't about me, however I can empathize with your frustrations. I get the impression that you (like most of us human beings) would like to feel validated. What you are receiving for the most part is the objective viewpoints of those who are looking in from the outside at your relationship as you describe it in your own words. I believe your feelings are valid, but they are told from your perspective. We don't have your direct perspective (we can't live a day in your shoes), nor do we have the perspective of your boyfriend, (whom I suspect you would not openly invite to read or respond to this post, would that be a correct assumption?)

 

Disclaimer: What I know of men and relationships is a paltry collective experience of 17 years (8 of which were happily married to a man who started as my best friend). After my divorce (amicable and yet inevitable), I had several long term relationships and am currently engaged to a man who at last complements my boundaries and value system. Getting to this place in my life has been a journey, with times of frustration much as you are having currently. I had to re-adjust my perspective, accept that I was my greatest barrier to getting the kind of love, companionship, and security I wanted and needed.

 

No matter what, the success of your goals rests with you. Your success is not conditional based upon what your boyfriend does or does not do. I suspect that both you and your boyfriend reached a comfortable place in your relationship (even if your dissatisfaction was mounting as time went on). When people, men and women, are in a comfortable place, what is the incentive for things to change?

 

My belief is:

 

- If you were crystal clear (read: no "hintese") with your boyfriend from the beginning about what your expectations and boundaries were AND laid out the consequences if these things were not met...

- If you received acknowledgement from him that he understood these expectations/boundaries, and agreed with them...

- Then by not following through with consequences due to his failure to meet the "agreements" of the relationship, you are effectively teaching him that you were not serious from the start.

 

In other words, we teach people how to treat us. If you're not going to follow through with actions, then why are you expecting anything different from your boyfriend? He's learned that you aren't going to leave if you're not getting what you want. You are showing him the kind of person you are and he is going to weigh that in his mind when thinking about whether you are (as they say) "marriage material."

 

Your boyfriend also had expectations of you, likely based on how you acted in the relationship from the start. If you were once enthusiastic about sex for instance, but now you are only seeing it as a kind of transaction, he could be feeling that you have not been keeping with his expectations of the kind of woman you showed through your actions. This is just an example, but hopefully you see some value in my insight.

 

After reading through this thread, there is one question that has been nagging me. If you loved this man very much, why did you never propose to him? Based on what I know of you through your posting, you seem quite a capable, forward woman. It doesn't require an answer here, but I hope at the very least you try to answer this question thoroughly in your mind.

 

All the best.

[oldshirt]

When I was a kid, my parents provided me with a home, food, clothing, love, support and guidance.

 

They upset me and did things that I did not want and made me do things I did not want to one degree pretty much every single day. They even made me eat vegetables and made me go to bed earlier than I wanted every single day.

 

They made decisions and did things I did not like because they were the adults and had to do what was right even though I didn't like it as a kid. That's what being an adult vs a kid is.

 

Parents are obliged to provide children the basic necessities of life plus love, support and guidance. They are also obligated to do the right things even if it upsets or inconveniences the children.

 

That the son in this situation likes the BF and has a relationship with him is not a valid reason to keep a dysfunctional, potentially abusive and maladaptive relationship in place.

[camillalev]

Am I missing something here? I thought women were always supposed to do something for their man as well?

 

I am actually really feeling for the bloke in this one. He clearly isn't romantic but is trying to be for OP. He doesn't think along the lines of a romantic meal out he thinks along the lines of food on the table.

 

Sorry but if that were me trying my hardest to look after someone and show them I love them by doing things for them I am afraid I would be pretty pee'd off and angry too.

 

When did sex become a weapon? When did sex become a "gift" or something that had to be paid for? I was always under the impression it should be an act between two consenting people and between to people SHARING the experience and expressing their love for one another.

 

OP I think you need to read some relationship manuals here. Try the 5 languages of love. It may help you both understand each other more and I bet if he can get an idea of how to express his love and you do too I think it would make for a much happier and stable relationship. The pair of you are not communicating your just shouting at each other.

 

Have you read the entire thread? This issue clearly goes beyond v day, which was just the straw the broke the camels back. I agree with the OP and others posting on here, that he is a d Bag and needs to be left. I would never stay with someone who threatened to sue me, had me sign a fake fake lease, told me he was going to make my life hell, straight up said he doesn't care about my son, and that everything he said about proposing was false. All while the son can hear him in the other room. This relationship is clearly unstable, volatile, abusive and manipulative, not to mention unhealthy for the son to grow up around.

 

The fact that OP posted that she is "trying" to stay mad at him after all this is beyond me. If it were me I would get me and my son out of there as soon as possible.

[kalika]

Thanks for posting everyone..

 

After reading through this thread, there is one question that has been nagging me. If you loved this man very much, why did you never propose to him? Based on what I know of you through your posting, you seem quite a capable, forward woman. It doesn't require an answer here, but I hope at the very least you try to answer this question thoroughly in your mind.

 

 

I'm not really into the idea of proposing to him.. I don't think he would be either, to be honest...

 

Parents are obliged to provide children the basic necessities of life plus love, support and guidance. They are also obligated to do the right things even if it upsets or inconveniences the children.

 

 

Agree with this.. but to me it's not just about "upsetting" or "disappointing" him.. it's more about, yanking away the one father figure he has in his life/his stability; the only other man that's REALLY been there for him, other than my boyfriend, is MY father.

 

His dad is involved but he doesn't really go out of his way to do a whole lot for our son.. in fact the plan was for him to move here to GA, which he did for all of a month or two, before deciding that he hated everything here and moved back to NY..

 

The fact that OP posted that she is "trying" to stay mad at him after all this is beyond me. If it were me I would get me and my son out of there as soon as possible.

 

I didn't think about this as I was posting it, but you're right.. when it's laid out in black and white in print, it sounds horrible and .. co-dependent or something?? Ugh. It sounds terrible, but it honestly is really hard for me. I haven't spoken with him since Valentine's Day. We have been sleeping in separate rooms. I've been somewhat hostile to him the last few days. But tonight he was talking to my son, hugged and kissed him and it really did make my heart melt again, just a little, to watch them together. It reminds me of what I really want. In any event, I can't leave though, it's my house.. so he will need to be the one to leave.

 

 

As an update, he's continued with his Nice Streak. I think I posted earlier that he randomly bought a box of valentine's day chocolates from the grocery store.. apparently he also bought valentine's day cookies!! which I didn't see until today.. and this morning, because we thought we may be getting snow/icy weather here, he told me to take his car (large SUV) to work.. WTF..

 

I set up an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow at 6pm. I'm going to talk to her to talk this through with someone. I don't think I'm even going to tell him I'm going to counseling for this. I just really need to get my head straight as I figure out what my next steps are.

 

I was thinking about it more, as far as what to do .. next steps.. I think my son will go back to NY in the summer to be with his dad, minimally for 3-4 weeks. So for now, I'm going to go to counseling, see if that improves anything, and if not, I will start the eviction process as soon as my son is gone. I don't want him to be around any screaming/fighting or drama, and my bf will not be able to control his temper, if history is any indicator.

 

Someone earlier mentioned that my primary focus needs to be my son and removing him from this situation. I don't want to do anything major in front of my son because my bf does tend to overreact when he's angry. And I think a few months of counseling may help me gain some emotional strength to do what I need to do.

 

Thanks again for your input everyone ..