Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Kalika why can't you just give your bf 30 days notice? If he's been living with you and paying half the bills it seems rather brutal to kick him out without 30 days notice even if you legally can. I would have no problem giving him 30 days' notice as long as he doesn't try anything harmful during that time. Like me, he has quite a temper - as demonstrated by last night's conversation - and I honestly believe him when he says he'll smash out my windows or break all my stuff. As long as he acts respectfully, I have no issues with giving him a month.
anna121 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I would have no problem giving him 30 days' notice as long as he doesn't try anything harmful during that time. Like me, he has quite a temper - as demonstrated by last night's conversation - and I honestly believe him when he says he'll smash out my windows or break all my stuff. As long as he acts respectfully, I have no issues with giving him a month. Not going to take a "side" in what is clearly a difficult situation for both parties, so just posting to say this: Be as detached as possible over the next month. Do not engage beyond basic civility. If he starts to escalate, tell him you would prefer not to discuss anything other than practicalities. If he continues, remove yourself to another room. Keep notes on everything. If necessary, be prepared to phone the authorities, but do so as a last resort. I assume you will have separate sleeping quarters. Do not continue to act as a couple, i.e., sharing meals etc. Try to be sensitive to the breakdown of his and your son's relationship. That is not about you. As long as he does not engage in abusive behaviour, allow them space to process with each other. 1
kendahke Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Unless he signed a lease agreement with her, I doubt that he would be considered a tenant. OP, a lot of attorneys give free consultations so check with one that does if you're not sure what the laws are in your state. As far as I can tell, it's your home and he doesn't have a leg to stand on. But you should probably verify that. No, that's not true. He has more of a leg than you are aware of. Depending upon the state, if they've lived in the home for over 14 days and receive mail there, they are considered a tenant and will have to be evicted and that could take a really long time if they choose to be a dick about it and drag out the process. It could end up costing OP a lot of time money to get him out. Nolo.com is a good place to check tenancy laws online.
bathtub-row Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I know you've already made your decision about this relationship but I gotta tell you, in case you're having doubts about your decision, this is not the guy for you. He chases you around the house during arguments, he argues with you without any consideration for your son being present, he lied about proposing even after shopping for rings, he threatens to destroy your home, and threatens to sue you. Sorry, I'm not impressed with this guy and he needs to exit your life once and for all.
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Thank you Anna and Kendahke.. that's very practical advice and I will take it seriously. I will also check out that website. 1
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I know you've already made your decision about this relationship but I gotta tell you, in case you're having doubts about your decision, this is not the guy for you. He chases you around the house during arguments, he argues with you without any consideration for your son being present, he lied about proposing even after shopping for rings, he threatens to destroy your home, and threatens to sue you. Sorry, I'm not impressed with this guy and he needs to exit your life once and for all. Well.. to be fair, I'm sure if he were posting about me here, he'd have plenty of bad things to say about me and the things I've said/done to him... but agree; it's gotten completely out of control either way.. and I am past doubts..
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 To add salt to the wound: My parents just flew down to FL for a cruise and left today.. Before she lost reception, my mom just called me - while I was grocery shopping - to ask if I have any "good news" from Valentine's Day.. ouch..
bathtub-row Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 To add salt to the wound: My parents just flew down to FL for a cruise and left today.. Before she lost reception, my mom just called me - while I was grocery shopping - to ask if I have any "good news" from Valentine's Day.. ouch.. Omg. Talk about bad timing. What did you tell her?
bathtub-row Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Well.. to be fair, I'm sure if he were posting about me here, he'd have plenty of bad things to say about me and the things I've said/done to him... but agree; it's gotten completely out of control either way.. and I am past doubts.. That's fair but the two of you push all the wrong buttons with each other. Those dynamics aren't likely to ever change.
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Omg. Talk about bad timing. What did you tell her? I said "no, of course not".. but we didn't talk long because they were already sailing and the reception was pretty bad. I know she was really hoping he would propose back at X-mas, when my whole family was there.. she even mentioned that it seemed like he was unusually excited about Christmas and I think even she was disappointed when it came and went with no proposal... In fact I think that was my last post here before this one.
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 That's fair but the two of you push all the wrong buttons with each other. Those dynamics aren't likely to ever change. We sure do.. It's sad when I think about how much we did love each other. Truly, I'm the one that started it. We were perfectly fine until I started needing to see the future in it. That's really when the problems started, for me anyways...
bathtub-row Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 We sure do.. It's sad when I think about how much we did love each other. Truly, I'm the one that started it. We were perfectly fine until I started needing to see the future in it. That's really when the problems started, for me anyways... But there's nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone. He has known what you wanted but has only led you on about it.
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 We sure do.. It's sad when I think about how much we did love each other. Truly, I'm the one that started it. We were perfectly fine until I started needing to see the future in it. That's really when the problems started, for me anyways... Needing to see the future is not a problem. Don't apologize for that. The problem comes when your partner doesn't see the same future. Don't ever feel that your want and need for a family is trivial and doesn't matter. This guy just isn't the one to give that dream to you. 1
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I know Stupid me kept hanging on thinking maybe, just maybe it would change.. that night we went to look at rings, I was so happy. We had such a great time together. It was all a lie. I'm tired of living a lie. I don't think you're stupid to keep hoping. I think it's just a bad investment, and I get how difficult it can be to just walk away after years of investment. Especially when the person is drip feeding you some commitment to keep you on the hook. I lived with my ex as well, and I was very involved with his son because his first wife died. So it's not so easy when you live together, and a child is involved. I went through all of this with someone for 3 years, but no one could have convinced me any differently. I had to experience the crash and burn myself. He took you to look at rings and talked about a wedding, so, of course, you are going to cling to those things and overlook the bad. I did the same thing, but it was a huge life lesson when it ended. I think you have built up a ton of resentment towards him, which is why you are lashing out right now. The anger is understandable. I also played the part of wife without the marriage, and you do get really resentful over time. The only thing you can do is to go your separate ways and not allow this to happen again. 2
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Needing to see the future is not a problem. Don't apologize for that. The problem comes when your partner doesn't see the same future. Don't ever feel that your want and need for a family is trivial and doesn't matter. This guy just isn't the one to give that dream to you. Thank you so much for this BC. I know the chances of me finding that person in time are slim, at this point.. but I would still rather take my 5% chance and run with it.
Author kalika Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I don't think you're stupid to keep hoping. I think it's just a bad investment, and I get how difficult it can be to just walk away after years of investment. Especially when the person is drip feeding you some commitment to keep you on the hook. I lived with my ex as well, and I was very involved with his son because his first wife died. So it's not so easy when you live together, and a child is involved. I went through all of this with someone for 3 years, but no one could have convinced me any differently. I had to experience the crash and burn myself. BC.. can I ask what happened with your relationship? Did yours also end because you were looking for marriage, or was it something else..? Sorry, not trying to pry, I just don't know anyone that can understand what I'm going through with my son being involved too..
Satu Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 We sure do.. It's sad when I think about how much we did love each other. Truly, I'm the one that started it. We were perfectly fine until I started needing to see the future in it. That's really when the problems started, for me anyways... There is no future, there is only the present moment. The key to happiness lies in making the present as good as it can be. 1
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Thank you so much for this BC. I know the chances of me finding that person in time are slim, at this point.. but I would still rather take my 5% chance and run with it. You never know who you will meet. Don't buy into the fallacy that this person is your last hope for love, and, quite frankly, I think it's better to be single at this point. It's not worth all the heartache simply to have someone there.
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 BC.. can I ask what happened with your relationship? Did yours also end because you were looking for marriage, or was it something else..? Sorry, not trying to pry, I just don't know anyone that can understand what I'm going through with my son being involved too.. The long and the short of it. . . . he wanted to get married, but I don't think he ever wanted to marry me. I think I was just the person who was there, and he benefited from all that I did for him and his son. He bought me an engagement ring and talked about getting married all the time. Then, he would say he was unsure, and round and round we would go. I stayed for 3 years, hoping he would come through, but it never happened. I felt very betrayed, resentful, and used because I had been a mother to his son. I invested 3 years of my life with his son, and I don't regret that. When I would think about leaving, I would always feel pulled back because of my commitment to his son. As to the WHY we broke up, I just don't think he loved me unconditionally. I think he had wanted out of the relationship for awhile, and he used me until I was no longer of use to him. I don't think there was any one reason he left me, though I'm pretty sure he had his eye on someone else. He got engaged to another women very quickly after we broke up. You can actually read all of my threads about him. I guess the bottom line is that I don't know the reason, but he made is clear in many subtle ways that he didn't want to commit to me. He was also very verbally abusive to me, so I'm glad to be out of that part of it. We just weren't a good match in a lot of ways. Our views on life and lover were so different, and he was never accepting of me.
kendahke Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I have to research how to give him a formal eviction notice though.. Does anyone know anything about this process? I will have to start reading more online about it. Because he was a landlord for years back in NY, he already has a huge advantage over me on this; he knows much more than I do (which he didn't fail to remind me of last night when he threatened to sue me). Nolo.com will tell you what you need to know.
ascendotum Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 (edited) Kalika wants to be wanted too, she wants her man to look at her like she is the best woman in the world. ONLY he refuses to commit, despite staying in her house. What does that tell her? - That she is the best woman in the world? Or that she is just a stop gap, a place to stay, till he can find someone better perhaps? I agree with what you say about her wanting to feel loved and appreciated. It should be a two way street on that. Lots of people now live together without getting married and it should be more what actions show then a marriage certificate. I just don't think they are right for each other and that this breakup is probably for the best, but it should be handled amicably. Really from a bf's perspective, the following quotes really will create reluctance in many to want to get married. Also she could well not want to have anymore children, and there are plenty of guys who wont marry a single mom & help support her child/kids if she is not prepared to have children with him. They can still be good bf and influence on her kids, but wont commit with marriage because it wont feel like a proper marriage with no shared offspring. * Part of me thinks, if I can just wait until my son is going to college, then I will sell my house here and get the hell away from him. * I've lost a lot of respect for him. *To be fair, we've both said and done some horrible things to each other...I'm not completely innocent in this and in our relationship in general. * we've broken up and gotten back together many times. Edited February 15, 2015 by ascendotum
oldshirt Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AFTER 4.5 YEARS IF HE WANTS TO MARRY ME, THEN THE ANSWER IS NO. RIGHT???? . I believe so. I do think it is that simple. People do what they want to do and don't do what they really don't. And we aren't talking about college kids here that need to finish up their studies and start their careers etc, you two are full grown adults that know each other and know what it is all about. He knows where you stand on everything (including that you are deeply dissatisfied) and he is declaring himself through his actions. He is doing what he wants to do, which is to maintain the status quo and live day to day as things are right now. As you are the one who is not OK with the status quo, it is up to you to change it. You are kind of waiting for him to declare his intentions and him to determine the course of your relationship, but you are failing to see that he already has. You haven't seen it because it is not the answer that you want and the message hasn't been delivered in the format that you want - but it is still clearly there nonetheless. You are waiting for him to determine your future and plot your life-course for you, but you can't rely on him to do that. you must do it yourself. with or without his blessing and cooperation.
oldshirt Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 ....and this is IMHO but as a 50 year old man, I do not believe there is such a thing as a commitmentphobe even though you call yourself one, and I do not believe there are any men 'afraid' of commitment. I think there are lazy people that don't want to put in any effort and are ok living day by day. And I think there are people that settle for the convenience of having someone around but do not feel that they are "the one" in which to marry and make a home, family and future with. An adult man who is out of college, has a career and knows who is in the world, knows if someone is "the one" or not after a year of steady dating. Anything after that is just marking time because he's satisfied at his current station and doesn't want to go any further. Or he is just lazy. Or he knows that that person is not the one. At the one year mark an adult female is perfectly in her right to lay down the sht or get off the pot ultimatum and if he doesn't step up, she is dumb not to move on. Those are harsh words and people get very defensive and distraught when they hear them but they are very truthful words nonetheless. 4
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I agree with what you say about her wanting to feel loved and appreciated. It should be a two way street on that. Lots of people now live together without getting married and it should be more what actions show then a marriage certificate. I just don't think they are right for each other and that this breakup is probably for the best, but it should be handled amicably. Really from a bf's perspective, the following quotes really will create reluctance in many to want to get married. Also she could well not want to have anymore children, and there are plenty of guys who wont marry a single mom & help support her child/kids if she is not prepared to have children with him. They can still be good bf and influence on her kids, but wont commit with marriage because it wont feel like a proper marriage with no shared offspring. She wants to be married, be a family and have more kids. He obviously doesn't want to take that step.
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 An adult man who is out of college, has a career and knows who is in the world, knows if someone is "the one" or not after a year of steady dating. Anything after that is just marking time because he's satisfied at his current station and doesn't want to go any further. Or he is just lazy. Or he knows that that person is not the one. At the one year mark an adult female is perfectly in her right to lay down the sht or get off the pot ultimatum and if he doesn't step up, she is dumb not to move on. ^^^ this^^^ Agreed. So many who come on this forum with 3-5 year relationships that go pear- shaped, I guess could be happily married, had marriage been mentioned sooner. I think many women stick around waiting for the proposal or some indication that the relationship is going somewhere and when it doesn't come, leave, but have wasted 2-4 years of their life, when they should have given the ultimatum at around a year. The men are then knocked sideways, when she leaves, as they were quite happy pottering around. 2
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