Starting to actually hate my boyfriend. Worst Valentine's Day ever.

[preraph]

You need to move to an area of the country where you alone can make a living for yourself. Or you need to move out and find a roommate, maybe another single mother. This relationship isn't working. Don't let fear keep you from change. If you are in the US, being a single mom allows you some free money and food during the transition, but then you work and find a likeminded roommate and stop relying on men.

[kalika]

Yes, he should outright tell you he's not going to marry you, but a lot of people won't do that. They don't want to mess up the benefits they are getting from the person, but they also don't want to commit to those benefits for life. A lot of people have been in your situation, myself included. You keep waiting and hoping things will change, but you know the truth deep down. He's probably being as straight with you as he is going to be, so you can only deduce that his intentions are not to marry you. I think you have to look at what you want, marriage and a family, and see that he isn't the one to fulfill those dreams.

 

I know

 

Stupid me kept hanging on thinking maybe, just maybe it would change.. that night we went to look at rings, I was so happy. We had such a great time together. It was all a lie. I'm tired of living a lie.

[Satu]

The best way to judge a relationship is by examining it as it exists in the present.

 

Not as it was in the past, or as what it might be in the future.

 

Would you feel any happier if he proposed to you today?

 

Would you be truly content?

 

I doubt it, and I think that the relationship would probably continue as it is.

 

No one thing will change everything.

[kalika]

I think financially we will be OK without him .. I was pre-paying $200/month on the mortgage and that will have to stop.. I will also have to try to cut some of the other bills, but it's doable as long as nothing crazy expensive comes up..

 

 

I have to research how to give him a formal eviction notice though.. Does anyone know anything about this process? I will have to start reading more online about it. Because he was a landlord for years back in NY, he already has a huge advantage over me on this; he knows much more than I do (which he didn't fail to remind me of last night when he threatened to sue me).

[elaine567]

You need to move to an area of the country where you alone can make a living for yourself. Or you need to move out and find a roommate, maybe another single mother. This relationship isn't working. Don't let fear keep you from change. If you are in the US, being a single mom allows you some free money and food during the transition, but then you work and find a likeminded roommate and stop relying on men.

 

She is financially independent and the house is owned by HER.

[kalika]

The best way to judge a relationship is by examining it as it exists in the present.

 

Not as it was in the past, or as what it might be in the future.

 

Would you feel any happier if he proposed to you today?

 

Would you be truly content?

 

I doubt it, and I think that the relationship would probably continue as it is.

 

No one thing will change everything.

 

No, I don't think I would be happy if he proposed today. It would be forced. It's clearly not what he wants. And I don't want to be with someone that either doesn't communicate with me, or just yells and screams whenever he's the least bit frustrated.

[SycamoreCircle]

I know

 

Stupid me kept hanging on thinking maybe, just maybe it would change.. that night we went to look at rings, I was so happy. We had such a great time together. It was all a lie. I'm tired of living a lie.

Part of letting go of anger is identifying delusions and exaggerations. Stop injecting needless drama into this, as if it was all some great conspiracy he hatched to feed off of you. The man obviously has redeemable qualities. It sounds like he's great with your kid. You are not a victim here. That's just an extension of your anger. There are always disappointments in any relationship. People don't always meet our expectations. You need something else. Fine. No one will challenge that. But do away with the victim monologue.

[kalika]

You need to move to an area of the country where you alone can make a living for yourself. Or you need to move out and find a roommate, maybe another single mother. This relationship isn't working. Don't let fear keep you from change. If you are in the US, being a single mom allows you some free money and food during the transition, but then you work and find a likeminded roommate and stop relying on men.

 

 

I live in Atlanta. Cost of living isn't that bad here, but finding decent housing is pretty expensive.. I bought more house than I could realistically afford, because my son is in special education and I really wanted a good school district (schools here STINK, especially for special ed!!) but that comes with a hefty price tag.

 

I will figure out a way to make it work. I'm less worried about the financial aspects than in simply trying to have him not rage at me in front of my son for the next 30 days, and in not getting dragged to court or having him break all my property.

[kalika]

Part of letting go of anger is identifying delusions and exaggerations. Stop injecting needless drama into this, as if it was all some great conspiracy he hatched to feed off of you. The man obviously has redeemable qualities. It sounds like he's great with your kid. You are not a victim here. That's just an extension of your anger. There are always disappointments in any relationship. People don't always meet our expectations. You need something else. Fine. No one will challenge that. But do away with the victim monologue.

 

I only meant that he literally lied. That night he said he had a plan to propose and acted all excited about the ring and even talked about a summer wedding. Talking about how we were going to be a real family. But in reality, he never had any intentions to propose.. he told me as much later on. And we're not a family, although he always says we are. I don't want to keep pretending our relationship is something that it's not.

[preraph]

If he's not on any lease or if he's not been making house payments, you just tell him to leave. If he feels he has a financial stake in the house, then you'll probably have to get a lawyer involved.

[idoltree]

OK. So I'll repeat myself. AGAIN.

 

I assume this is directed at me? If so, caps lock isn't necessary. I can read just fine.

 

Are you writing back to me to have open discourse or to yell at me? I'm not willing to be your punching bag. I recognize that you are emotional and hurting so I am cutting you some slack, but please try to be respectful of me and the time I take to give you feedback, even if it's not the feedback that you want to hear.

 

I'll respond to what you wrote. If you're no longer open to hearing from me and if this is a waste of both of our time, please just let me know and I'll stop replying.

 

If he DOESN'T want to get married but KNOWS that I want to get married, he should BE HONEST WITH ME and then he should LEAVE. Because that's the RIGHT THING TO DO.

I think he does want to get married. Just not when things are like this.

 

NOT try to force HIS "time frame" (I use this in quotes, because I have NO IDEA what his time frame even is) on me when he knows that I CANNOT JUST HAVE KIDS WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

Yes, you can't just have kids whenever you feel like it. At the same time, he's not obligated to get married and have kids if he's not happy in a relationship. Those are big commitments, and contrary to your opinion, he doesn't owe them to you.

 

Your options are to kick him out as you say or to stay and work on the relationship by taking a good hard look at yourself.

 

If you kick him out, I fear you won't want to perform any self-reflection if you stay safely in Victimville, and I fear you won't find the relationship that you want in time to have more kids.

 

It's not easy to find a good man who wants to get married and have kids, especially if you already have a child. If you want to take that chance, that's your decision. Maybe it will work out for you, and if it does, I hope you've done some work on yourself so you can handle conflict better than you currently do because every relationship has some sort of conflict and challenges.

 

IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AFTER 4.5 YEARS IF HE WANTS TO MARRY ME, THEN THE ANSWER IS NO. RIGHT????

Not necessarily. And, as I've said numerous times, I think he wants to marry you, just not when things are like this.

 

In my opinion, a REAL MAN isn't afraid to have necessary conversations and communicate about where he seems himself in his relationship.

What's a Real Man? To take all sorts of piles of sh*t from the woman he's with because she deserves to be able to act like that? If I were a guy, I'd definitely want to sign up for that.

 

Exactly zero sane men will open up to a raging woman with a victim complex who is prone to lashing out, emasculating him, and not listening to his words in favor of her own agenda. That's a no-win if I've ever seen one.

 

Would you bear your soul to a raging man with whom you feel you can never do anything right? You would not. The environment isn't safe for you to talk about your deeply held fears and frustrations. Why can it not work in the other direction? Why do you resort to emasculating him with your words?

 

Since he is apparently unable, or unwilling, to have these conversations with me, I am going to have to take the bull by the horns and just end this once and for all. Perhaps 6 months from now, we will both be happier and glad that I did.

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face, but I recognize that it is your right to leave a relationship if you aren't happy.

 

And I think that you both will be happier to end the toxicity one way or another. I just think there's a way out of it while staying in the relationship if you were willing to put in the work. I think the two of you love one another and that your problems aren't fundamental and they aren't permanent. If you could change the cycle of the way you relate to one another by changing just your contribution to the cycle, there's a big chance you could find your way out. If you don't want that, then you don't want that. That's your right.

[kalika]

If he's not on any lease or if he's not been making house payments, you just tell him to leave. If he feels he has a financial stake in the house, then you'll probably have to get a lawyer involved.

 

 

He has been paying half the bills ever since we bought this house.. In fact, every time he gives me a check, he writes "Rent" on it..

 

When he started a business here in GA, he also told me one night that he needed proof of residency or something.. His license and car are still registered in NY; he had no proof of residency here. He asked me to sign a "fake" lease and said he needed it to start the business or establish residency.. something like that.. the purpose of it was never for him to have an actual Lease but just to do him a favor to set up his DBA.

 

I bring this up because last night when we were arguing, he told me matter of factly that he has a lease with me and if I kick him out before 30 days, he will get a lawyer and sue me. I told him we don't have a lease.. he said Yes you do, you signed one! And I remembered the fake lease we drew up so he could show residency here.

 

I can always call his bluff and try to kick him out sooner, but I don't want to do this in a mean way.. I had talked to him last night about being out in 2 weeks (by end of February) but that's when he told me he would sue me and that he's entitled to at least 30 days.

[SycamoreCircle]

I only meant that he literally lied. That night he said he had a plan to propose and acted all excited about the ring and even talked about a summer wedding. Talking about how we were going to be a real family. But in reality, he never had any intentions to propose.. he told me as much later on. And we're not a family, although he always says we are. I don't want to keep pretending our relationship is something that it's not.

"he told me as much"---that's a qualifying statement which means it's not entirely true. But I'm not going to fight you tooth and nail on your motives. I will say this--- a piece of paper or a ring does not a marriage make. I'm sure there's plenty of amazing households where the people love each other and there's no official contract. I've also been witness to lawful unions that are little more than business arrangements.

[kalika]

If you kick him out, I fear you won't want to perform any self-reflection if you stay safely in Victimville, and I fear you won't find the relationship that you want in time to have more kids.

 

Please stop posting.

[kalika]

"he told me as much"---that's a qualifying statement which means it's not entirely true. But I'm not going to fight you tooth and nail on your motives. I will say this--- a piece of paper or a ring does not a marriage make. I'm sure there's plenty of amazing households where the people love each other and there's no official contract. I've also been witness to lawful unions that are little more than business arrangements.

To clarify "he told me as much": a few weeks after the awesome date we had, he told me that he had no intentions of buying a ring "any time soon" and that he "wasn't in any rush" .. after he had initially said he would buy one within a month. This is when I made the choice to just completely stop talking about marriage, period. It just hurt too much to even think about it and I felt like he kept getting my hopes up, like when he insisted we go to the jeweler that night to get me sized up for a ring.

 

Truthfully - I don't care much about a ring.. A ring is just that, a ring. I told him I would be happy with a simple gold band or whatever was just comfortable on my finger.. I really just wanted HIM.

 

And I understand that a piece of paper wouldn't change anything.. and really, I just need to make a firm and final change once and for all; this isn't working for either one of us, and we've spent more than just a short amount of time working at it..

Edited February 15, 2015 by kalika

[Satu]

Please stop posting.

 

Everybody has an equal voice here, and everybody has a right to post their opinion within the Community Guidelines:

 

"We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.

 

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. It is inevitable that members will sometimes disagree in their responses to any given problem, and LoveShack.org encourages healthy debate comprised of constructive questions and criticisms, so long as they pertain to the post and thread at hand. Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

 

*We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread. Past disagreements should not be resurrected in new threads. It is important that criticism be directed at what is stated in a post ("I don't like your idea") rather than at the individual making the statement ("I don't like you").

 

Submissions containing threats to leave the community or other forms of "emotional extortion" intended to incite a reaction from fellow participants are viewed as inconsiderate and disrespectful to the community as a whole and will result in immediate loss of access to the site."

 

*Emphasis mine.

[anika99]

Part of letting go of anger is identifying delusions and exaggerations. Stop injecting needless drama into this, as if it was all some great conspiracy he hatched to feed off of you. The man obviously has redeemable qualities. It sounds like he's great with your kid. You are not a victim here. That's just an extension of your anger. There are always disappointments in any relationship. People don't always meet our expectations. You need something else. Fine. No one will challenge that. But do away with the victim monologue.

 

 

 

I have just skimmed this whole thread and I admit that I have conflicting feelings.

 

 

OP at first I was annoyed by your valentines day rant. I just don't give a crap about valantines day and I've never really cared one way or the other if my SO does something or not. Also I valentines days is important to someone shouldn't they treat it as a 2 way street. Why is the man expected to go all out and be romantic while the woman does nothing. What special romantic treatment did you give your bf? Making you breakfast with your son sounded really sweet to me. That alone would have been enough to make me happy.

 

 

Also I couldn't get my head around you feeling like you were used for sex. Later you said that you only said that because he got what he wanted but you didn't get what you wanted. That still doesn't make sense to me. Didn't you want the sex too? Didn't you enjoy it? If you were only engaging in the sex with him because you were expecting something in return then that's a really unhealthy way to treat sex. If you wanted the sex and enjoyed it then you have no business acting like you were doing him a favor and should now receive something in return.

 

 

Then I got kind of angry with your bf when you talked about his behavior when you told him you wanted him to leave. I thought no f*ckin way! Kick that assh*le out right now! But then I realized that he was just lashing out because he was in his own emotional pain over having you dump him on the spot.

 

 

Now it seems that the root of the problem is that you want to get married and he obviously does not. I have no idea why he doesn't want to marry you. Perhaps it's because he has foo issues that he has never dealt with and it's affecting his ability to commit. Perhaps it's because your whole relationship has been rocky and you get angry and threaten and talk about leaving him approx. once a month and that makes him feel insecure or manipulated. Perhaps it's because he simply doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't see the value in it. More and more people these days are skipping marriage altogether because its' just an expensive hassle. In any case there is no point in being angry at him for not coming right out and saying that he doesn't want to get married. He has demonstrated to you by his actions or inactions that this is the case. Now you have to decide what you are going to do about it. Are you going to accept the situation as it is and accept that marriage to this man is not an option at this time but stay with him anyways because what he offers is worth compromising for? Or are you going to cut him loose and set yourself free to pursue your dreams of marriage? The choice is yours. Quit waiting for your bf to do something. He is happy with the current situation so he has no reason or motivation to change it. You're the one with the problem.

 

 

I quoted the above post because it's true. Your bf doesn't sound like a bad guy with evil intentions. It seems that your main complaint is that he is not romantic enough. No man is going to be your everything. The next guy you meet might be a diehard romantic but I can guarantee that guy is going to have faults that your bf doesn't have and those faults may even be far worse.

[todreaminblue]

Please stop posting.

 

 

you have been rude on this thread to more than one poster.....you have a temper......some times advice we get isnt what we really want to hear.....but you thank a person anyway for bothering to sit and write it to you...posters are reacting to the way you are replying to them......thats etiquette thats setting a bar for yourself ...its not all about setting bars for others to maintain and keep....you have at times been abusive to other posters in this thread when you disagreed with their posts......do you wonder if possibly this is what you do with your soon to be ex.....

 

i do believe you are doing the right thing.....no one should be unhappy in a relationship and you certainly are unhappy....i do wonder about that bar you set....if the bar you set for yourself is far much lower....putting up with someones crap for five years....does not make you an ideal marriage partner...it makes you a resentful and angry one........loving someone in spite of their flaws and shortcomings......makes you a better prospect.and considering since you are trying to find a way to evict him as soon as possible....i think marriage was obviously not the right choice for him to propose...maybe thats why he didnt ....deep down he knew ....it wouldnt work.....deb

[Satu]

"It is important that criticism be directed at what is stated in a post ("I don't like your idea") rather than at the individual making the statement ("I don't like you")."

 

Read me.

[anika99]

Satu, the poster Kalika asked to stop posting said this: "If you're no longer open to hearing from me and if this is a waste of both of our time, please just let me know and I'll stop replying." and Kalika simply took that poster up on their offer.

 

 

 

 

Kalika why can't you just give your bf 30 days notice? If he's been living with you and paying half the bills it seems rather brutal to kick him out without 30 days notice even if you legally can.

[Satu]

Satu, the poster Kalika asked to stop posting said this: "If you're no longer open to hearing from me and if this is a waste of both of our time, please just let me know and I'll stop replying." and Kalika simply took that poster up on their offer.

 

 

 

 

Kalika why can't you just give your bf 30 days notice? If he's been living with you and paying half the bills it seems rather brutal to kick him out without 30 days notice even if you legally can.

 

Point taken.

[smackie9]

I think this was a planned con, and he damn well used you. He knew eventually you would want to kick him out and he made sure that lease was signed. He had no intention of marrying you, he just needed a warm bed, a roof over his head and a fake lease to get his business started. He's as shady as s hit. Now it makes total sense that he has done minimal for this relationship, and blew smoke up your butt when you started to question him.

[idoltree]

Satu, the poster Kalika asked to stop posting said this: "If you're no longer open to hearing from me and if this is a waste of both of our time, please just let me know and I'll stop replying." and Kalika simply took that poster up on their offer.

 

I did say that, so I'm not offended!

 

It was beginning to feel as if my contributions were headed the wrong way into a wind tunnel, and that Kalika wants to hear what she wants to hear. I don't want to expend more of my time and energy if there is no point, and she has confirmed that there is no point.

 

Thus I'm done contributing here. Kalika, I do honestly wish you luck and that you find relief from your pain!

[kalika]

which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant.

 

Telling me I live in "victimville" or some such nonsense, seems to qualify as demeaning and ridiculing, at least by my definition of those words.

[kalika]

you have been rude on this thread to more than one poster.....you have a temper......some times advice we get isnt what we really want to hear.....but you thank a person anyway for bothering to sit and write it to you...posters are reacting to the way you are replying to them......thats etiquette thats setting a bar for yourself ...its not all about setting bars for others to maintain and keep....you have at times been abusive to other posters in this thread when you disagreed with their posts......do you wonder if possibly this is what you do with your soon to be ex.....

 

I was rude to ONE poster, who made [COMPLETELY incorrect] assumptions about my relationship.

 

And I do appreciate the time taken to respond, but I don't believe in ridiculing someone who has come here with problems, and I believe I was being ridiculed.