Starting to actually hate my boyfriend. Worst Valentine's Day ever.

[kalika]

Kalika, it could not be more obvious that he is uncertain about marrying you. Please wake up to that, and what that means. It means that either:

He doesn't want to commit to you. If you were smart about it, you'd stop with the self-righteousness and think "Uh oh. The relationship is hurting him somehow. Where have I made a wrong turn?" You'd start appreciating him and treating him better so he might feel safe enough to open up to you someday.

Honey, he didn't make empty promises. If he's a good man, he meant them. But his trust in you as a good choice of a wife has eroded.

No offense but this is the stupidest effing post I have ever read.

 

I am not sitting around on my throne waiting for him to BLESS me with a ring. And I'm not sitting around trying to be a victim. I have EARNED the right to have a ring on my finger by being there for him for 5 years of a lot of his crap and drama. I have supported him, watched him go through a near bankruptcy, been there for his father's stroke, dealt with his parents' never ending drama, and been his emotional punching bag when things went wrong and he couldn't deal with everything. So excuse me if after 4.5 years I have lost some of my patience and kindness in dealing with his never ending nonsense and family drama. I have earned the title of "wife" and if he doesn't see that then he can go find someone else to grace with his Holy presence.

 

YES I know that he doesn't want to get married. Thanks for pointing that out, like I'm apparently too freaking stupid to know that on my own. I have only asked him for honesty and that if he doesn't want to get married, then we should start the process of separating. And if he doesn't want to get married then he should SAY SO, MAN UP AND GET THE EFF OUT OF *MY* HOUSE AND QUIT WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME.

 

I'm sick of hearing that I'm trying to act like a freaking victim when I'm trying to figure out how best to extricate myself from this relationship.

 

Next step: I am going to try to figure out how to officially have him served with a move-out notice. Enough of these stupid games.

[kalika]

Idoltree, I agree with everything you said. My only contention is that if a man has decided that he doesn't want to marry a woman, then he shouldn't stay year after year. This sends mixed signals to a woman and this cycle of feeling used, unappreciated, etc just goes round and round. They're both very responsible for the negative dynamics here and they both have a lot of growing up to do.

 

He has done more than give "mixed signals".. at one point he blatantly told me he would propose to me.. we even went to look at rings. Then again, nothing. Any time I bring up anything - if I am ever deemed to be "nagging" him - he will say something like, "See? This is why I haven't bought you a ring."

 

To me it IS mental abuse. I say anything to him and I'm automatically NAGGING him, and therefore he's justified in never ever proposing to me. It's like he's dangling a carrot in front of me and keeps jerking it back.

 

I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for him. If he really thinks there's someone better out there for him, then good luck and god bless.

[idoltree]

Idoltree, I agree with everything you said. My only contention is that if a man has decided that he doesn't want to marry a woman, then he shouldn't stay year after year. This sends mixed signals to a woman and this cycle of feeling used, unappreciated, etc just goes round and round. They're both very responsible for the negative dynamics here and they both have a lot of growing up to do.

 

I agree with you, too. Timelines should be had by both parties, and if a larger commitment hasn't been made by both parties, then leaving is an option. Responsibility for self is key.

 

I'm just frustrated with Kalika because she doesn't seem to really get it. This is a struggle I'd been through myself, and I want to kick myself for not seeing how simple the answer really was. And now that my eyes are open, I see the message society pushes everywhere: women are always right, men are dumb, men owe women what women want or men are bad. And this is Kalika's approach to her relationship, and it's not working for her. And it's not because her boyfriend is a bad guy.

 

I truly believe that Kalika's man is a good man who wants to marry her but is scared that he'll be unhappy. Let's face it - in today's world, women have everything to gain in marriage and men have everything to lose. Over time, Kalika's guy gets more evidence that marriage to her will mean being trapped in unhappiness. He wants to be the man of her dreams, but she needs to nurture those qualities in him, not continue to tear him down and then wonder why he doesn't rise up to her expectations.

 

And I truly believe that Kalika can turn this around if she wants to. I think both she and her guy want the same thing. It's just that he wants to wait until he feels consistently happy and secure and then he'll propose; she wants a proposal before she'll feel happy and secure enough to want to make him feel happy and secure. The result is two people chasing their tails and a deteriorating relationship. One person can turn it around. That person could be Kalika. A rising tide lifts all boats.

[kalika]

I'm just frustrated with Kalika because she doesn't seem to really get it. This is a struggle I'd been through myself, and I want to kick myself for not seeing how simple the answer really was. And now that my eyes are open, I see the message society pushes everywhere: women are always right, men are dumb, men owe women what women want or men are bad. And this is Kalika's approach to her relationship, and it's not working for her. And it's not because her boyfriend is a bad guy.

Where the hell did I ever say that men are dumb and women are always right?? Where the hell did I ever say he OWES me anything??? All I have asked him is to be forthcoming with me!! To be honest about it! If he doesn't want to marry me, then fine! Just freaking say so! Why drag this out??? When he knows that I have serious medical problems.. even at this point, it would be difficult for me to have a healthy pregnancy.. what kind of "man" would waste someone's time like that?!?

 

Of course he's not a bad guy. He's just not the guy for me. I see that now. So why won't he just leave, if I'm so bad to deal with???

 

I can honestly say that he will make my life miserable hell for the next month if I force him to move out.

[SycamoreCircle]

I feel like the world's worst mother for not fixing this sooner. The one thing I wanted my son to have was stability and it's the one thing I've never been able to give him. The poor kid has a mother that can't seem to get her sh together.

I think it all comes back to this. Ultimately, anger at other people derives from dissatisfaction with ourselves. I'm not saying that your bf is guiltless. I think both of you deal with problems in a childish way. I think the sooner you can begin to make choices that are based on the well-being of your child, allowing that to be the focus, the drive, the better off you'll be. I wish you the best.

[smackie9]

You want stability for your son? it's you that has to step up and make a difference.

 

Turn to your family for a plane ticket back home, pack your **** up and leave. Start fresh with the support of friends and family.

[kalika]

I think it all comes back to this. Ultimately, anger at other people derives from dissatisfaction with ourselves. I'm not saying that your bf is guiltless. I think both of you deal with problems in a childish way. I think the sooner you can begin to make choices that are based on the well-being of your child, allowing that to be the focus, the drive, the better off you'll be. I wish you the best.

 

I agree that we both get childish esp when fighting. He tends to be a yeller/screamer and I tend to withdraw. There are times when he's literally chasing me around the house and I'm trying to keep the door shut to escape him. We both say extremely hurtful things. It's past the point of toxic. I definitely own my part in that.

 

I want to focus on the next steps.. ending once and for all this insane toxic environment.

 

My company gives a few free counseling sessions each year through a third party. I am going to try to find some time to meet with a counselor.

 

My boyfriend also tricked me a few months ago into signing a lease with him. Originally when he moved on he didn't have one but when he opened his business here in GA, he said he needed something showing proof of residency in GA to open his business, or for taxes or something like that... He was already a landlord in NY and he just used his old lease and made me sign it. He brought this up last night, saying that we have a "lease" agremeent and that he'll sue me if I try to evict him earlier than 30 days.

 

I am going to go about it the "proper" way and try to evict him legally and give him his due time to find another place. Hopefully we don't actually get lawyers involved - I think that was an empty threat on his part - but I know that he will not hesitate to scream and yell and call me names in front of my child. I will have to figure this all out as soon as I can.

[smackie9]

btw I know a lot of couples that don't bother celebrating VDay.....makes live simpler.

[kalika]

Turn to your family for a plane ticket back home, pack your **** up and leave. Start fresh with the support of friends and family.

 

I have thought about it Smackie.. but to be honest, I don't have a job to go back to in NY.. and I literally just bought this house, April 2014. Trying to move back to NY at my own expense will cost me thousands of dollars that I don't have and then I'll be going back to NY with no place to live and no $.

 

To make it worse, I spent a whole bunch of time worrying about how my son would adjust to moving here to GA.. He actually really likes it and doesn't want to move back to NY at all.

[kalika]

btw I know a lot of couples that don't bother celebrating VDay.....makes live simpler.

 

I know this is really stupid, but it feels like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.. I just don't feel loved at all, or respected, or valued at all.. I can't live like this any more. I'm literally crying all the time and depressed. I'm trying to keep it away from my son too. I also work full time. I'm alone here and barely have any friends. But I feel like if I stay with him, any hope I have of having a family one day will be completely gone.

[idoltree]

No offense but this is the stupidest effing post I have ever read.

 

Whoa.

 

I wrote what I wrote trying to help you. A balanced person might disagree with what I said, but still appreciate that someone has taken time out to offer them help.

 

Instead, you lash out. We don't even know one another and I'm kind of scared of you. "No offense."

 

I am not sitting around on my throne waiting for him to BLESS me with a ring. And I'm not sitting around trying to be a victim. I have EARNED the right to have a ring on my finger by being there for him for 5 years of a lot of his crap and drama.

There is quite a bit of anger and entitlement here, which is exactly my point.

 

I have supported him, watched him go through a near bankruptcy, been there for his father's stroke, dealt with his parents' never ending drama, and been his emotional punching bag when things went wrong and he couldn't deal with everything.

You have admitted that you have a temper. You are no angel here.

 

So excuse me if after 4.5 years I have lost some of my patience and kindness in dealing with his never ending nonsense and family drama. I have earned the title of "wife" and if he doesn't see that then he can go find someone else to grace with his Holy presence.

You have not earned anything. A man does not have to get married if he feels like he will be unhappy. Simple as that.

 

YES I know that he doesn't want to get married. Thanks for pointing that out, like I'm apparently too freaking stupid to know that on my own.

Interesting you take this as an attack, rather than observation.

 

I have only asked him for honesty and that if he doesn't want to get married, then we should start the process of separating. And if he doesn't want to get married then he should SAY SO, MAN UP AND GET THE EFF OUT OF *MY* HOUSE AND QUIT WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME.

Holy sh*tsnacks. Do you realize there is not a person in the world who is going to want to open up to you about his reservations if this is the type of reaction they'll get?

 

I'm sick of hearing that I'm trying to act like a freaking victim when I'm trying to figure out how best to extricate myself from this relationship.

Victims "extricate" themselves from relationships.

 

Next step: I am going to try to figure out how to officially have him served with a move-out notice. Enough of these stupid games.

Okay.

 

I tried.

 

Good luck to you.

[Satu]

The only way that any relationship can prosper is if both parties bring the best of themselves to it.

 

In the case of the relationship under discussion, that isn't happening.

 

Where did the best of yourselves go?

 

Have you received any postcards from them?

 

Some simple kindness would be the place to start, whether you stay together or not.

 

Enough with the selfishness.

[elaine567]

Men want to be wanted. They want a woman who looks at him like he's the best guy in the world.

 

Kalika wants to be wanted too, she wants her man to look at her like she is the best woman in the world.

ONLY he refuses to commit, despite staying in her house.

What does that tell her? - That she is the best woman in the world?

Or that she is just a stop gap, a place to stay, till he can find someone better perhaps?

[kalika]

The huge issue here I guess is the lack of commitment from the bf and that is apparently colouring all her interactions with him.

 

If Kalika is financially secure and it is HER house, then no-one can say she just is using him for HIS money, nor that HE is supporting her child.

If he doesn't want to commit to the relationship, then what are his intentions, his future plans, his goals?

 

 

You just hit the nail on the head elaine.. Yes, this is where our downfall began, because stupid me wanted to know if he saw me in his future.. And caused some major, major disappointment and hurt feelings on my side.

 

I don't know what his intentions/goals are.. He never talks about them, at least not as they pertain to our relationship. He talks about his business, and things he wants to do for his business. Hell, he even talks about our dog and how he wants to train him to do this or that. But he never ever talks about our relationship - at least, not without me starting the conversation.

 

He's perfectly fine with just going day to day. He doesn't concern himself with the future (with me).

[idoltree]

Where the hell did I ever say he OWES me anything???

 

Right in your last reply to me.

 

All I have asked him is to be forthcoming with me!!

He loves you and wants to marry you but he has reservations. He's not going to be forthcoming with you if you don't create a safe and trusting environment for him to do so.

 

To be honest about it! If he doesn't want to marry me, then fine! Just freaking say so! Why drag this out???

Because he loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations.

 

When he knows that I have serious medical problems.. even at this point, it would be difficult for me to have a healthy pregnancy.. what kind of "man" would waste someone's time like that?!?

One who loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations. Clearly he's stayed with the hope that things will get better.

 

Of course he's not a bad guy. He's just not the guy for me. I see that now. So why won't he just leave, if I'm so bad to deal with???

Because he loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations.

 

I can honestly say that he will make my life miserable hell for the next month if I force him to move out.

You will be hurting him by ending things. Because he loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations.

 

(Does repetition work?)

[SycamoreCircle]

If he needs 30 days, give it to him. Find somewhere else to be for a month. Go on Craigslist and look for month-long sublets. There's always a solution to our constraints. Look for the options that offer the least resistance.

 

If you're worried about affording your place once he's gone, consider renting a room to a young student.

 

If this is really what you want---to have him out of your life for good, then begin scaling back the anger. You have made a choice. It wasn't pleasant. It isn't to his liking. But you feel it's the right choice, the choice best suited to you and your child's needs. Have empathy for his feelings. Yes, he may be a hurtful person but he still has feelings. The sooner you can begin to defuse your anger, the sooner you can move on.

[kalika]

OK. So I'll repeat myself. AGAIN.

 

If he DOESN'T want to get married but KNOWS that I want to get married, he should BE HONEST WITH ME and then he should LEAVE. Because that's the RIGHT THING TO DO.

 

NOT try to force HIS "time frame" (I use this in quotes, because I have NO IDEA what his time frame even is) on me when he knows that I CANNOT JUST HAVE KIDS WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

 

IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AFTER 4.5 YEARS IF HE WANTS TO MARRY ME, THEN THE ANSWER IS NO. RIGHT????

 

In my opinion, a REAL MAN isn't afraid to have necessary conversations and communicate about where he seems himself in his relationship.

 

Since he is apparently unable, or unwilling, to have these conversations with me, I am going to have to take the bull by the horns and just end this once and for all. Perhaps 6 months from now, we will both be happier and glad that I did.

[idoltree]

Kalika wants to be wanted too, she wants her man to look at her like she is the best woman in the world.

 

She could get that if she wanted. But only if she wanted to be the best woman in the world for her man. But she doesn't want to put in the effort. She wants it handed to her without having to change a thing.

 

Maybe she's worn out. Fair enough.

 

ONLY he refuses to commit, despite staying in her house.

 

He could choose to leave, or he could choose to stay, hoping things could get better. I think he's been doing the latter. Is that wrong of him?

 

What does that tell her? - That she is the best woman in the world?

 

She's the one here asking for advice. It takes one person to change a relationship dynamic, thus I focus on her.

 

If her boyfriend were here, I'd be telling him the exact same thing.

 

Or that she is just a stop gap, a place to stay, till he can find someone better perhaps?

 

She's not a victim.

 

And, yes, he may move on to find someone better. I think he'd be relieved to find someone able to see and appreciate all that he does do.

[kalika]

If this is really what you want---to have him out of your life for good, then begin scaling back the anger. You have made a choice. It wasn't pleasant. It isn't to his liking. But you feel it's the right choice, the choice best suited to you and your child's needs. Have empathy for his feelings. Yes, he may be a hurtful person but he still has feelings. The sooner you can begin to defuse your anger, the sooner you can move on.

 

Thank you Sycamore. You are right, I AM angry.. and it does make me even angrier when people assume that I've been sitting around like a princess waiting for him to bestow jewels and his love upon me.

 

I know I need to let it go. Below all this anger is a lot, a LOT, of hurt. I'm actually sitting here crying again as I type this. It hurts to have the person you love reject you over and over again, without actually rejecting you once and for all. He had a way of making me feel worthless, over and over again, letting me know that I wasn't ever worthy of his commitment.

 

This has been a cycle. I am deeply hurt but I understand if he doesn't want to marry me, and why. I am going to try my best to let the anger go.

[elaine567]

Right in your last reply to me.

 

He loves you and wants to marry you but he has reservations. He's not going to be forthcoming with you if you don't create a safe and trusting environment for him to do so.

 

Because he loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations.

 

One who loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations. Clearly he's stayed with the hope that things will get better.

 

Because he loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations.

 

You will be hurting him by ending things. Because he loves you and wants to marry you but has reservations.

 

(Does repetition work?)

 

I am sorry but all this stuff about "he loves you" etc. etc.,

How do YOU know that? How can you possibly make such assumptions here.

I don't really know how he feels deep inside, I doubt any of us do.

He may in fact be a lying cheating bum, who is hanging on to this relationship for dear life, as he has no other options.

Who knows?

[xxoo]

If he DOESN'T want to get married but KNOWS that I want to get married, he should BE HONEST WITH ME and then he should LEAVE. Because that's the RIGHT THING TO DO.

 

But he doesn't want to leave. He wants to be with you and avoid the marriage thing. He likes the relationship status as it is.

 

If you aren't satisfied with the relationship status as it is, you'll need to end it. No use putting the responsibility on him and getting angry with him for not ending a relationship he's enjoying as it is.

[kalika]

She could get that if she wanted. But only if she wanted to be the best woman in the world for her man. But she doesn't want to put in the effort. She wants it handed to her without having to change a thing.

 

Maybe she's worn out. Fair enough.

You are completely wrong. You are making a whole lot of assumptions. I DID make a lot of changes. Nothing helped.

 

-I completely stopped bringing up marriage/engagement/anything.

-I started being kinder to him: cooking dinners when I knew he was tired, giving him foot rubs, buying him things that he needed. Letting the dog out at 5am so he could sleep in.

-I tried to extricate myself when he would get angry. Rather than engaging in the fighting, I would be calm and walk away and tell him we'll talk about it later when he's calm (that didn't work).

-I stopped nitpicking him about stupid things. I realized that wasn't helpful and just stopped doing it.

 

And on and on.

 

I can't fix it by myself. You sure seem hell bent on blaming me for this though.

Edited February 15, 2015 by kalika

[kalika]

If you aren't satisfied with the relationship status as it is, you'll need to end it. No use putting the responsibility on him and getting angry with him for not ending a relationship he's enjoying as it is.

 

Ya.. You're right. I definitely am angry at him for not loving me enough. But truly, a good chunk of my anger is also for his failure to just be honest and forthcoming for me, to man up and leave earlier if he knew that I wasn't what he wanted.

 

But you're right, no point getting upset about it at this point... if it's not working, it's just not working..

[smackie9]

I have thought about it Smackie.. but to be honest, I don't have a job to go back to in NY.. and I literally just bought this house, April 2014. Trying to move back to NY at my own expense will cost me thousands of dollars that I don't have and then I'll be going back to NY with no place to live and no $.

 

To make it worse, I spent a whole bunch of time worrying about how my son would adjust to moving here to GA.. He actually really likes it and doesn't want to move back to NY at all.

 

Your son has to go where you need to go, you are the adult here, YOU make the decisions not him. You are just making excuses. You can sell the house, sell, off your stuff, personal items can be shipped by grey hound for cheap and you can sleep on mom and dad's couch until you find work and a place to live. So don't give me that.

[BC1980]

OK. So I'll repeat myself. AGAIN.

 

If he DOESN'T want to get married but KNOWS that I want to get married, he should BE HONEST WITH ME and then he should LEAVE. Because that's the RIGHT THING TO DO.

 

NOT try to force HIS "time frame" (I use this in quotes, because I have NO IDEA what his time frame even is) on me when he knows that I CANNOT JUST HAVE KIDS WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

 

IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AFTER 4.5 YEARS IF HE WANTS TO MARRY ME, THEN THE ANSWER IS NO. RIGHT????

 

In my opinion, a REAL MAN isn't afraid to have necessary conversations and communicate about where he seems himself in his relationship.

 

Since he is apparently unable, or unwilling, to have these conversations with me, I am going to have to take the bull by the horns and just end this once and for all. Perhaps 6 months from now, we will both be happier and glad that I did.

 

Yes, he should outright tell you he's not going to marry you, but a lot of people won't do that. They don't want to mess up the benefits they are getting from the person, but they also don't want to commit to those benefits for life. A lot of people have been in your situation, myself included. You keep waiting and hoping things will change, but you know the truth deep down. He's probably being as straight with you as he is going to be, so you can only deduce that his intentions are not to marry you. I think you have to look at what you want, marriage and a family, and see that he isn't the one to fulfill those dreams.