Starting to actually hate my boyfriend. Worst Valentine's Day ever.

[Els]

To be clear, I'm not excusing the way he responded to conflict in your relationship - that is on him, and his behaviour after your fight was very distasteful. IMO in that sense, you dodged a bullet by leaving.

 

That being said, I also think you played a part in this relationship's demise. In your first post, you say he has never done anything loving for you, yet he is financially supporting your son from another relationship. That is a BIG thing. Nobody does that for 4+ years unless they love the mother and son in some way, IMO. If you consistently downplayed that in favour of picking fights over minor things like having V-day lunch at Subway, I can see why he might feel unappreciated. Perhaps the reason he has no money for a nice restaurant is because he has spent a lot of money in the past 4 years supporting your son.

[bathtub-row]

Valentine's day is not a second mother's day or a woman's day. It is in my opinion supposed to be a mutual expression of love.

 

I, too, was wondering what she did for him for Valentine's because that was never mentioned. I'm also concerned that there was an expectation of dinner because they had sex. Sounds suspiciously like bargaining instead of a mutual shared connection. But the bf lost me when he made threats and I figure this relationship just needs to end.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bathtub-row

[TigerCub]

Op, it's a good think you're making the move to end this unhappy union.

I think another poster touched on it, but your boyfriend's reaction to the breakup really showed how little he cared about it.

 

Maybe it is because you guys have done this many times before, or maybe it's just that he doesn't care at all.

 

He is acting like a prick, and I hope you talk to a lawyer to know what your rights in this situation really are.

 

You mentioned how you are worried that (considering your past patterns with him) you'll be repeating this cycle. To fix that, keep reading this post when you get the urge to contact him or talk to him after the breakup is done and he has moved out.

 

Read all your hurt, read how this is actually bad for your son (to deal with all the fighting) and hopefully reading those things will knock some sense into you and the urge to talk to him or see him will pass without any action.

 

Good luck.

[Satu]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Etc.

 

We have no right to receive anything that we do not give.

 

YMMV.

[siabe]

Wow. Just WOW.

 

You seem like a very emotionally unstable woman. Seriously, you freak out and are in tears and think about breaking up because your boyfriend said he doesn't want to go out for lunch AND dinner? I don't even get why a man has to pay everything on Valentine's day, but well. He made you breakfast even though he's not the type who's into romantic stuff. That was nice of him. If you wanted to go out for dinner so badly you should have just told him that it is very important to you and that you can cook lunch so you can go somewhere for dinner istead of completely freaking out.

 

The fact that you're financially depending on him makes it worse. This man already pays (a part of) your life, what else do you want? I'm actually surprised he hasn't left you already, he seems to be putting up with a lot of crap.

 

 

Edit: Just read the rest of the thread. So it wasn't just about Valentine's day, it's about a lot more. You should have left him much earlier. Agree with everyone else here.

Edited February 15, 2015 by siabe

[idoltree]

However kalika (or whatever your name is) you don't seem like the easiest person to get along with either. And although you are placing a lot of blame on your partner, it is only because they did not live up to and meet your expectations and it was your decision to look past those things and spend 4.5 years of your life with this person and you know that...so although you are taking out your anger and disappointment on him, you need to be more mature than that and take responsibility for the fact that you made that decision and hold half of the responsibility.

 

Ninja, just want you to know that your post floored me and is something that I'm going to be using for my own self-improvement. I've been stuck in an angry phase after a breakup and have been having a tough time letting go of my anger. Though I just quoted part of it here, your whole post knocked me upside the head and I plan on reading it again to help me take responsibility and move forward. And it is absolutely something Kalika needs to hear.

 

Kalika, you certainly have gotten yourself into a downward spiral here and I do think it has a great deal to do with a male/female dynamic where they each have their own agenda and neither is hearing one another because they are focused on their own unmet needs.

 

Women need to feel safe, supported, and appreciated. Men need to feel respected and appreciated. When either sex is going without those basic needs and don't recognize it and talk about it, or leave the relationship, the next natural choice is to remove anything that might meet the needs of the other to "show them" their pain. I see exactly this in the scenario that you mentioned. You didn't feel supported and appreciated, so you removed all appreciation from him. He didn't feel respected and appreciated, so he removed all appreciation from you. I am going to guess that his lack of feeling respected and appreciated has been more long term, whereas yours was acute.

 

How differently could this have gone if you chose to appreciate what you did get and continued respecting and appreciating him? I bet that would have motivated him to support and appreciate you and meet your needs when you express specifics. So many people don't understand that sometimes the answer is giving more, rather than withholding and punishing. Sometimes a dynamic can be changed purely through the efforts of one partner, once that partner recognizes how they contribute to said dynamic.

 

Then you are using the sex as a power play. Like "I gave him this, why won't he give me something?" after the fact. That's a really unhealthy attitude. What should have been a loving, bonding, fun moment got twisted around in your head as him "taking" from you, and now you are the wronged and self-righteous party. Sex is not a tool and should not be viewed as such. Sex is how many men feel close to their partners. He went to you and you later - undoubtedly - threw it in his face.

 

I agree that your boyfriend definitely chose to hold back on the one thing you'd asked for. So many people can glance at his actions and say "what a jerk!", but I doubt they're hearing about all the moments that preceded it, the ones that wore him down to get to this point.

 

I agree with others that the way that your boyfriend is talking to you isn't okay. But I also think that you've pushed him to the end of his rope and it takes two. He has been providing for you and your son, something that he doesn't have to do. And it sounds like he feels like it's never enough for you. And now you are ending the relationship, severing what sounds like a decent bond with your son, and he knows he is absolutely helpless now. He has no rights to your son, and is trying to protect himself from that pain by overemphasizing that the issues regarding the bus and watching him on Monday are yours to deal with. Instead of punishing you, I think he's put up his defenses against the pain of the loss of the relationship with your son.

 

You aren't the only one who is hurting here. Yes, if we just look at your description of things, and the words you reported he used, it does look unfavorably upon your boyfriend. We can jump on the abusive bandwagon and treat you like a hero, but I don't think it's that clear cut. You admit that you aren't the easiest person to live with, which means we aren't hearing the whole story. You admit that the relationship has come to this same breaking point before. So I wonder what sorts of attacking words you use. I wonder if cutting him off from your son is your chosen way of punishing him. After all, your son seems pretty attached to him, and having that sort of stepparent bond doesn't come easy, so I imagine there has been plenty of kindness and giving coming from your boyfriend in order to develop the relationship that the two of them do have.

 

You should not have involved your son into this discussion in the first place and being an emotional basket case in front of him was not a great move. Your son is your son, not your buddy or confidant. Except for really exceptional situations, a child should never see their parent freak out or lose it in any way. When you get emotional and cry in front of your child, you're in essence stealing his childhood by forcing him to deal with adult problems and losing confidence in you as a parent. And, btw, there's nothing stable about moving in with someone that you consistenly argue with and aren't even married to.

 

Kalika, this is something else that you need to hear. I was alarmed reading your original post where you describe crying in the car with your son and talking about how you want to leave your boyfriend. You didn't even notice how awful it is for your son to have to be in that position, and you talked about it in a very matter of fact way.

 

So many single and divorced parents do this - in the absence of an adult confidante, they turn their kids into little buddies in a "it's us against the world" and then introduce adult problems to their children. It is SO unfair to do that. You've now made your son into someone who feels responsible for caretaking your emotions. You are, in effect, in some sort of twisted relationship with your son, which will impact the relationships he chooses for himself in the future.

 

Your son is a child. He may talk like an adult sometimes, he may want to help you and listen you because he loves you but he does not need to be let into his mother's adult issues and her emotional decisions. It is up to you to put up that boundary with him because kids naturally want to help, and will serve themselves up on a platter to emotionally support their parents. They don't know how unhealthy that is for their own development.

 

Your son needs to be allowed to feel safe and secure in his childhood, and not be burdened with adult problems. He should be informed with facts, after they happen, and you should be caretaking him and his emotions in reaction to those facts. He should not have to feel part of the decisions as they happen, and he should not have to worry about how his mother is going to get through this - he should just know that she will do it and he is safe. He is internalizing all of this and he undoubtedly has made himself responsible for what is happening. His brain is that of a child, and they don't have the higher level comprehension for adult problems, and he is - at least on some level - blaming himself and worrying about you.

 

He's not your buddy. He's not your partner-in-crime against the rest of the world. He's your son. You have zero business looking to him as an outlet for your emotions and problems. Please notice that your behavior is destructive for him and make a vow to not ever do that again. I know that you didn't mean to do what you did, and that you are trying hard to be a good parent. You just need to draw those boundaries and allow your son to be a child.

 

Kalika, I don't know what to tell you about where your relationship goes from here. It is totally justified to choose to breakup. To me, it is also justified to choose to stay together. I know others will disagree with me, but instead of seeing your boyfriend as an abusive villain, I see a man with good intentions who is hurting deeply and has become desperate in the face of impending loss.

 

If you choose to stay together, it needs to come along with some deep changes in how your relationship functions. You need to take a good hard look at yourself and how your own choices and behaviors have been tearing down your boyfriend's self-esteem. How could you go out of your way to appreciate all that he does for you, and keep him the man in the relationship? How could you let him make decisions, let him lead, and let him know that you have every confidence in his ability to take care of you and your son?

 

If you chose that route, this is a fantastic book to drill home the message that your relationship didn't just happen to you, and that you helped create what it has become. And that by changing what you do and say, you may be able to heal it, or at least start it in the direction of healing.

 

(Because I have defended men in the past here and on other forums, I know what to expect: bring on the posters who will accuse me of supporting abuse, just because I won't jump on the "woman always good, man always bad" bandwagon. To preempt that, I do not support abuse. It is wrong. I am simply explaining how kalika and her boyfriend may have gotten to this point and that is very much not the same thing as supporting abuse.)

[stillafool]

Really?

 

 

Other than the sex what did you do for him?

 

 

 

So you're not sounding so awesome either.

 

Valentine's Day is no longer just about what will the woman get. Men are being gifted on Valentine's Day as well. What again did you do for him?

[stillafool]

So.. I just told him I wanted him to leave, that I'm done. He's paid his share of the bills up until the end of February.

 

He demanded that I give him 30 days' notice and said that he's not leaving sooner without a fight. He even said he'll get a lawyer and break my windows in if I try to change the locks or do anything. He also said that I haven't even begun to see what a dick he can be. He was yelling and swearing and unfortunately my son heard some of it but I made him go up to bed and tucked him in.

 

Now I'm back in my room and he's sitting in his office. I'm sure he won't leave without a huge fight and this will all happen in front of my son.

 

This is all nonsense. You can get a restraining order against him and change your locks.

[bathtub-row]

So many single and divorced parents do this - in the absence of an adult confidante, they turn their kids into little buddies in a "it's us against the world" and then introduce adult problems to their children. It is SO unfair to do that. You've now made your son into someone who feels responsible for caretaking your emotions. You are, in effect, in some sort of twisted relationship with your son, which will impact the relationships he chooses for himself in the future.

 

Great post, idoltree. I was a single parent for most of the 15 yrs after I left his dad until he grew up. While my son and I do share a very close bond, I made it a point to never burden him with adult problems. I saw my friends do it a lot and tried to explain to them what a mistake it was. One friend in particular used to tell her daughter about all the men she dated, about their horrific break-ups (it was never her fault of course), and all about her money problems. One day she called me and told me about how astonished she was that her 13 yr old was telling her how to spend her money and they argued about it. I asked her why she was surprised when she told her daughter everything. Did she not expect her to have any thoughts about it? I eventually distanced myself from this person because I became sick of her drama.

 

I hope all parents understand that while it's great to be honest with your child, it is not great to share your adult problems and worries with them. I've also seen married people do this and it's never right. Your child expects you to be a pillar of strength and when you break down, complain, become angry, etc, you're shaking your child's very foundation.

 

My son was not destroyed by divorce because he knew that I was a solid parent. If you give your child emotional stability, they will thrive and won't be shaken by the things that people claim shake them up. Each school year, a teacher would tell me that they had no idea that my son was from a divorced family. It was a great compliment.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bathtub-row

[ascendotum]

Valentine's Day is no longer just about what will the woman get. Men are being gifted on Valentine's Day as well. What again did you do for him?

 

Was it ever a day of 'its all about her'? Maybe a bit more that way back in the day when women were housewives more maybe. IDK. I thought it is suppossed to be a day for the lovers....with two way appreciation & reciprocation, but far an away it seems to be with most people that I know, an obligation day for men.

The answer to your question is probably...she let him have sex with her in the bathroom.

[ascendotum]

This is all nonsense. You can get a restraining order against him and change your locks.

A restraining order on the basis of 'yelling at me when we had an argument'. Unless I missed a post where he threatened violence on her or her son,

[elaine567]

A restraining order on the basis of 'yelling at me when we had an argument'. Unless I missed a post where he threatened violence on her or her son,

 

Yelling and swearing in front of her son and threatening to break all her windows...

[kalika]

Thanks for the responses so far everyone. I wish it were easier to quote because a lot of you gave me some responses to think about, for sure. I am definitely much calmer right now, although not much happier. I would like to address a few things that came up. Off the top of my head:

 

-I was NOT expecting him to take me for dinner because we had sex. Rather, it's just a feeling that I got used once again: He got what he wanted, but I didn't. There's been a recurring theme in our relationship: He gets what he wants when he wants it, but when it's something I want, I must wait for it. For example, this marriage issue. I (FINALLY) gave him what I felt was a fair and reasonable time frame for marriage. Of course, that time came and went without much discussion from him at all. He tells me I need to "be patient" but if I told him the same thing about something equally important to him, he would be extremely upset. I've "been patient" for nearly 5 years. I'm 32 and not in the best of health at all.

 

 

-Fighting in front of my son/talking to him about adult things: This is just inexcusable. I know this. But in the heat of the moment, things happen. I have nothing else to say other than I will try to stop this as best I can in the future.

 

 

-I honestly thought he was the One. We were so ridiculously in love early in the relationship - the first year or two. We are still extremely comfortable with each other; he's the one guy I can completely be myself around, because of his acceptance of me. I think the problems started when I started to wonder where the relationship was heading. As soon as I started voicing those questions out loud to him, his responses - some extremely negative and hurtful, and some just avoidant - were so unsatisfactory to me that it caused me extreme emotional pain and hurt. To the point where I up and left the state we lived in, because I was sick of wasting my time living in a city where I had no future. Not even one with him.

 

 

-I make good money on my own. I don't NEED him here but it certainly helps a lot to have someone splitting the bills with me. I didn't move in with him for financial reasons. He MOVED here to be with me after I LEFT him. He made a bunch of empty promises about our future and that's the reason I let him come down here (we moved from NY to GA) in the first place. Now he's moved in again and I feel stuck.

 

 

-I DO appreciate that he is helping with my son. I try to appreciate the little things he does. But I can't help shake the feeling it's not enough for me. I don't just want someone to help with the dishes and taking out the garbage. I want someone that wants to commit to me, possibly even have more kids one day.

 

OK.. I'm done for now.. sorry for the long posts.

[EgoJoe]

The tone of misandry and advice to get a guy thrown in jail over a very clear idle threat is disgusting.

 

 

The childish behavior is in response to other childish behavior. Not excusable but definitely understandable.

 

 

I'm retiring from this thread. It's going to get worse.

 

 

I believe OP created the situation just to be the victim.

[oldshirt]

you both need to grow up and get real.

 

 

Yes he should consult a lawyer. You need to be calm and collected and encourage him to see a lawyer. I lawyer will straighten his ass up real quick on the ramifications of breaking into your house. I'm no lawyer or legal analyst but things like 'breaking and entering' and stalking and terrorism come to mind real fast.

 

 

And as was mentioned earlier, if you are legal owner of the house and he a paying tenant with a lease agreement, then he may be entitled to a written 30 day notice.

 

 

But the fact that this is your residential home also gives you certain entitlements and protections even if you do have some sort of landlord/tenant agreements.

 

 

....So in other words where I am going with this is YOU need a lawyer as well!!

 

 

 

 

And breaking up does not require the consent and buy-in of the other party. It only takes one to break up a relationship. If you want to break up with him, you say, "I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee." and then through dog poop on his shoes. And if he doesn't leave you contact the police and have him removed from your home and seek a no contact order through your attorney.

 

 

In one of your earlier threads you said you are a commitmentphobe. relationships require commitment to keep them going in a healthy manner and breaking up often requires just as much commitment. In order to have sanity and happiness in your life you are going to have to sht or get off the pot either way.

[kalika]

Thanks for the responses so far everyone. I wish it were easier to quote because a lot of you gave me some responses to think about, for sure. I am definitely much calmer right now, although not much happier. I would like to address a few things that came up. Off the top of my head:

 

-I was NOT expecting him to take me for dinner because we had sex. Rather, it's just a feeling that I got used once again: He got what he wanted, but I didn't. There's been a recurring theme in our relationship: He gets what he wants when he wants it, but when it's something I want, I must wait for it. For example, this marriage issue. I (FINALLY) gave him what I felt was a fair and reasonable time frame for marriage. Along the lines of: If it doesn't happen by this point, then we should start thinking about going our separate ways.

 

Of course, that time came and went without much discussion from him at all. He tells me I need to "be patient" but if I told him the same thing about something equally important to him, he would be extremely upset. I've "been patient" for nearly 5 years!!! I'm 32 and not in the best of health at all. I feel in many ways like if he would have just been honest or forthcoming about things in the first few years, I probably would have left him. Instead he let the issue dangle. I'm the only one who brings it up and he's done pretty much nothing about it. He now has resorted to telling me he wants to marry me but he never makes plans or does anything about it.

 

 

-Fighting in front of my son/talking to him about adult things: This is just completely inexcusable. I know this. But in the heat of the moment, things happen. I have nothing else to say other than I will try to stop this as best I can in the future. I definitely have a temper and I have always had a hard time controlling it, although to be honest it takes a lot to get me that upset. However, when I do, I go for the jugular - just like he does. We are absolutely horrible at communicating because I get really mean/snarky/nasty and he just starts yelling almost immediately.

 

 

-I honestly thought he was the One. We were so ridiculously in love early in the relationship - the first year or two. We are still extremely comfortable with each other; he's the one guy I can completely be myself around, because of his full acceptance of me. I think the problems started when I started to wonder where the relationship was heading. As soon as I started voicing those questions out loud to him, his responses - some extremely negative and hurtful, and some just avoidant - were so unsatisfactory to me that it caused me extreme hurt. To the point where I up and left the state we lived in, because I felt that sticking around a city I didn't like just for him wasn't really getting me anywhere.

 

 

-I make good money on my own. I don't NEED him here but it certainly helps a lot to have someone splitting the bills with me. I didn't move in with him for financial reasons. He MOVED here to be with me after I LEFT him back in NY. He made a bunch of empty promises about our future and that's the reason I let him come down here (we moved from NY to GA) in the first place. Now he's moved in again and I feel stuck.

 

 

-I DO appreciate that he is helping with my son. I try to appreciate the little things he does. But I can't help shake the feeling it's not enough for me. I don't just want someone to help with the dishes and taking out the garbage. I want someone that wants to commit to me, possibly even have more kids one day.

 

 

-Things between us had actually been a lot better in the last few weeks; more affection, etc.. we even managed to go out on a date and it was fantastic, but got into a HUGE fight the next day over something stupid. When we're happy together, there's not a single other man I would ever want to be with for the rest of my life. But it seems like the good times never last much longer than a week or two before we get into some huge fight. And I honestly hate yelling and screaming and fighting.

 

 

OK.. I'm done for now.. sorry for the long posts. Just trying to paint a fuller picture ...

[xxoo]

If he married you, would you be happy with the guy who makes you breakfast with the kid and gives you a good time in the shower on Valentine's Day? Or would it still not be enough?

 

Are you looking for extra evidence of his care (via romantic gestures) because the commitment part is absent?

[kalika]

Are you looking for extra evidence of his care (via romantic gestures) because the commitment part is absent?

 

That's a great question. Maybe I am, I'm not really sure, tbh. I definitely feel like something's missing. I guess I need to feel loved and don't? Don't know..

[kalika]

The tone of misandry and advice to get a guy thrown in jail over a very clear idle threat is disgusting.

 

 

The childish behavior is in response to other childish behavior. Not excusable but definitely understandable.

 

 

I'm retiring from this thread. It's going to get worse.

 

 

I believe OP created the situation just to be the victim.

Why do you honestly think I would "choose" to be a victim??? I've never downplayed my role in all of this. Of course there's always two sides to every story and for brevity's sake I couldn't possibly explain every single thing here.. but I feel like this is unjustified and a very nasty thing to say. If my boyfriend wants to vent his side on a forum, or to his friends, that's his business. Certainly it wouldn't make him an attention seeking victim.

 

I'm a real person. I'm not perfect. I have no one else to talk to other than these forums. But I would never ever describe myself as a victim, nor would I want to be seen as one.

Edited February 15, 2015 by kalika

[elaine567]

The huge issue here I guess is the lack of commitment from the bf and that is apparently colouring all her interactions with him.

 

If Kalika is financially secure and it is HER house, then no-one can say she just is using him for HIS money, nor that HE is supporting her child.

If he doesn't want to commit to the relationship, then what are his intentions, his future plans, his goals?

[insert_name]

After reading through three pages I have an idea of what the guy does to show his appreciation...but I am still none the wiser as to what the OP does for the guy to make him feel loved and appreciated? Oh, sex in the shower...but even then it sounds like OP feels short changed.

 

Smh. At least it sounds like this is coming to an end and I'll give the OP credit for that at least- too many people remain in toxic relationships and hope to see it through for the sake of the kids.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I'm really happy to hear that you are able to take care of yourself. That puts you way ahead of the game. I think what happened in your case is that you got mad at a time that seemed out of proportion to what was going on.

 

It's similar to what happened to a friend of mine. Married to a guy for more than 20 yrs, he was possessive, jealous, and they argued all the time. He even put a gun to her head once. But the thing that caused her to finally walk out the door was something that didn't seem to warrant walking out. He was leaving for work, got into a brief argument with her and said, "f--- you!" as he left. That was it for her. Something just snapped. She left and never went back.

 

Of course, she should've left a long time ago but it took a certain chain of events for her to finally throw her hands up. She realized that the drama would never stop. I think that is what has happened in your case. For your bf to make threats of breaking your windows, that would be the end of the line for me. If he's capable of putting that kind of fear in you, then you need to move on.

 

As far as your son is concerned, please do not let him see you in an emotional tailspin. Learn to control your emotions. He needs to know that he can count on you and being an emotional wreck around him puts him in fear; thinking that you two aren't going to make it. Kids have a very simple view of the world and don't forget that, unlike how we are free agents, their very lives depend on us. When they fear that you can't care for them, it shakes their world. Please don't ever do this to your son. And don't think I didn't go thru trauma when I was a single parent, because I had plenty of it. But I would wait to cry or react to it if my son was around. There was no way I was going to make my son think for a second that I wasn't stable enough to be there for him. There is nothing adorable or cute about a woman with no control over her emotions.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bathtub-row

[idoltree]

-I was NOT expecting him to take me for dinner because we had sex. Rather, it's just a feeling that I got used once again: He got what he wanted, but I didn't.

 

No. If you had sex, you wanted to have sex. I assume you have a good time when you do it. I assume you feel closer to him. Otherwise you wouldn't like having sex with him.

 

Stop with the martyrdom. He's not the only one who likes to have sex, and, sorry, you are still treating it like you "gave" him something by having sex with him, and therefore he owes you.

 

There's been a recurring theme in our relationship: He gets what he wants when he wants it, but when it's something I want, I must wait for it. For example, this marriage issue. I (FINALLY) gave him what I felt was a fair and reasonable time frame for marriage. Along the lines of: If it doesn't happen by this point, then we should start thinking about going our separate ways.

 

Of course, that time came and went without much discussion from him at all. He tells me I need to "be patient" but if I told him the same thing about something equally important to him, he would be extremely upset. I've "been patient" for nearly 5 years!!! I'm 32 and not in the best of health at all. I feel in many ways like if he would have just been honest or forthcoming about things in the first few years, I probably would have left him. Instead he let the issue dangle. I'm the only one who brings it up and he's done pretty much nothing about it. He now has resorted to telling me he wants to marry me but he never makes plans or does anything about it.

Kalika, it could not be more obvious that he is uncertain about marrying you. Please wake up to that, and what that means. It means that either:

 

• He is afraid of marriage/commitment in general. But he lives with you, so maybe commitment isn't the problem. If he were afraid of intimacy, he might have shut down in some ways. Being a workaholic, avoiding spending time with you, and other things like that. Are those happening? If they're not, then there isn't an underlying reason that is more about him than about your relationship, specifically.
  

 

• He feels like marrying you is a risk, because he's uncertain about it. And there are reasons for his uncertainty that he doesn't feel safe enough to be open about. You nag and harangue him, and come at him like a self-righteous martyr where he isn't giving you what you deserve. Stop that attitude now. Marriage is two people and it is about meeting the needs of both. YOU AREN'T MEETING HIS NEEDS ENOUGH FOR HIM TO WANT TO MARRY YOU, and you are so obsessed with how he is wronging you, that you are steamrolling right over the fact that you play a part in this.
  

You seem to have bought into society's misandry. You think that men are dumb, stupid and clueless about relationships, and that women are goddesses who can do no wrong and who are owed commitment by men.

 

He doesn't want to commit to you. If you were smart about it, you'd stop with the self-righteousness and think "Uh oh. The relationship is hurting him somehow. Where have I made a wrong turn?" You'd start appreciating him and treating him better so he might feel safe enough to open up to you someday.

 

-Fighting in front of my son/talking to him about adult things: This is just completely inexcusable. I know this. But in the heat of the moment, things happen.

Nope, "things" don't "happen". You are in control of yourself 100% of the time, and if you aren't, then you need to seek some help so that you can be in control of yourself 100% of the time. Clearly, things feel threatening and like emergencies to you, your fight or flight response kicks in, and you think it needs to be dealt with right then. It doesn't. It never does. You can always choose composure or losing control, and you can always choose to put off addressing a topic until things have calmed down.

 

I have nothing else to say other than I will try to stop this as best I can in the future. I definitely have a temper and I have always had a hard time controlling it, although to be honest it takes a lot to get me that upset. However, when I do, I go for the jugular - just like he does. We are absolutely horrible at communicating because I get really mean/snarky/nasty and he just starts yelling almost immediately.

Aha. Here's the nitty gritty. Here's the stuff that reveals that you play a massive part in the dynamic between the two of you and that you are not the victim you'd like to think you are.

 

No, it does not take two to get you that upset. It's a choice you make. You are not passive, you are not a victim. Stop that mindset if you want to grow as a person. Another person can do absolutely anything - yelling at you while skydiving because you forgot to pick up McDonalds, telling you your choice in matching socks with footwear sucks, yelling at you in a movie theater that you don't appreciate fuzzy bunny rabbits enough - and you CHOOSE how you behave.

 

Criticizing a man wears him down. It diminishes his love for you. If you are smart, you will stop with the excuses and you will take a good hard look at yourself. This pattern will repeat with any man, because you resort to criticizing to get what you want. It isn't working for you. It's time to regroup.

 

-I make good money on my own. I don't NEED him here but it certainly helps a lot to have someone splitting the bills with me. I didn't move in with him for financial reasons. He MOVED here to be with me after I LEFT him back in NY. He made a bunch of empty promises about our future and that's the reason I let him come down here (we moved from NY to GA) in the first place. Now he's moved in again and I feel stuck.

Honey, he didn't make empty promises. If he's a good man, he meant them. But his trust in you as a good choice of a wife has eroded.

 

Men don't want to feel stuck in an unhappy marriage. He thinks marriage to you will be unhappy, because he's unhappy just living together.

 

So, what can you do? If you're smart, you'll look at your own actions and step out of Victimland long enough to accept that men's needs are as important as women's needs. You're not some goddess where you barely have to lift a finger and he owes you a ring. So, how can you meet his needs? How can you stop cutting him down? How can you make the relationship happier so that he can feel confident that marrying you wouldn't mean he'd be unhappy?

 

-I DO appreciate that he is helping with my son. I try to appreciate the little things he does. But I can't help shake the feeling it's not enough for me. I don't just want someone to help with the dishes and taking out the garbage. I want someone that wants to commit to me, possibly even have more kids one day.

Okay, so what would make him want to commit to you? He's attracted to you, he is connected to you. What's missing? I'm going to guess it is respect and appreciation, but he doesn't feel anywhere safe enough to share that with you. What would make him feel safe enough? Respect and appreciation. But, by all means, just keep doing what you're doing because clearly it's getting you the relationship that you want.

 

-Things between us had actually been a lot better in the last few weeks; more affection, etc.. we even managed to go out on a date and it was fantastic, but got into a HUGE fight the next day over something stupid.

Stop fighting about stupid things. If you made an effort to concentrate on respecting and appreciating all he does do, you'd have perspective about matters. Some day, on your death bed, are you going to look back and say "God, I hate that he didn't pick up that piece of broccoli on the floor!" or are you going to be able to see the big picture and appreciate that he loved you, spent time with you, and loved your son?

 

Stop the pettiness. No one makes you argue. Focus on the positives, focus on what he does right. When he does something that you appreciate (and that will be a great number of things once you stop the female entitlement), give him a big hug and smooch with stars in your eyes and tell him how much you appreciate him. Nurture him as a man who can make you happy, and he'll want to be a man who can make you happy. Choose to create the relationship that you want by finding the courage to get over yourself and meet your partner's needs.

 

When we're happy together, there's not a single other man I would ever want to be with for the rest of my life.

So be happy more?

 

But it seems like the good times never last much longer than a week or two before we get into some huge fight. And I honestly hate yelling and screaming and fighting.

No, you don't hate them, because you participate in them. You, on your own, can choose not to participate in them. It really is that simple.

 

OK.. I'm done for now.. sorry for the long posts. Just trying to paint a fuller picture ...

I still think you want badly to be a wronged victim. I still think you think meeting your needs is more important than meeting his needs. I think you'd have a lot to gain by humbling yourself and taking a good hard look at your choices and behaviors instead of concentrating so much on what he's doing wrong.

 

Or you could keep doing what you're doing. Assuming that you shouldn't have to lift a finger to make your man feel happy and safe in the relationship, and that he's the bad one for not wanting to make a bigger commitment to you. He doesn't owe you anything. He deserves to commit when he's reasonably certain he won't be trapped with a wife who makes him feel miserable.

 

Men want to be wanted. They want a woman who looks at him like he's the best guy in the world. They want to be appreciated for what they do, not nagged to death about what they don't. Smart women wake up to these realities, focus on meeting their man's needs, and are amazed that they can get their needs met by doing that, too. Dumb women keep doing what they're doing and expect different results.

Edited February 15, 2015 by idoltree

[bathtub-row]

Btw, when you have him a timeline for marriage, you should've stayed with it. By allowing him into your home after that timeline passed, he knew he could push you about the marriage issue. He shouldn't want to do that, but that's men for you. They will test you to see how much conviction you have about your standards. The sad thing is, most women fail those tests.

[bathtub-row]

Idoltree, I agree with everything you said. My only contention is that if a man has decided that he doesn't want to marry a woman, then he shouldn't stay year after year. This sends mixed signals to a woman and this cycle of feeling used, unappreciated, etc just goes round and round. They're both very responsible for the negative dynamics here and they both have a lot of growing up to do.