Are single women with kids a no no?

[mightycpa]

I had this discussion with a lot of different men and women. They all said that when a woman has a kid out of wed lock in modern times it is a clear cut sign they have no control and no morals. Because women today have control over themselves and can only get pregnant if they want to or if they just don't take the necessary precautions. Which means they aren't worth two cents if they don't. Just sharing and starting the discussion. Thanks for your posts in advance.

 

A great big no-no for me, but not for the reasons you suggested. Instead because of this:

 

• you're not ever going to be #1, and if you give that position up, it might as well be your child
  
• you might also have dad/mom as a lifetime partner too
  
• if you don't have a child, you can't know what it is like... you're way behind your partner in experience. I liked the idea of my first time being their first time too
  
• children limit your choices as to what you can do
  
• you just might end up loving the child but not the parent. then what do you do?
  
• when they dump you, it hurts twice as much or more, and it might hurt the child too
  

[Eggplant]

Your statement is blanketed for sure, but for a good reason. I am working at a call center for the time being until I start my full time big boy job next week. We only have about 60 people on staff, but this job seems to attract many of these women I think that you're referring to. I work with alot of enormous, POF type women. They have tattoos on their boobs, more than half are addicted to cigs, and most of them have children and are divorced. Some think they're hot stuff when they could afford to lose a good 50-70 pounds and still think they have the ass they had when they were 20. Red flags everywhere and I cannot imagine why a man wouldn't want to be with these middle aged ladies making 9 bucks an hour with so much freaking baggage. These ladies are damaged goods.

 

OMG American society (if you are American) has no respect for our older generations. If these people are in their middle age, you are out of line with your mocking remarks.

 

Older people have baggage because they are older and that is natural.

 

Did these women all tell you they were sure they had the *** they did when they were 20? How do you know what they think? Maybe they are just confident in their own skin. They do not need your approval. The way they dress probably is bad, but who cares.

 

As far as 9 bucks an hour, so are you saying you feel superior to people who are poor?

 

People, particularly in their elder years, become less marketable for dating. It's fine to say that you don't want to date somebody because she/he doesn't bring enough to the table.

 

All the while, for the record, it is not a crime to exist and be single and not be considered a good catch by you or by other people in general. It's therefore not right for you to be disrespectful and call them names like "damaged goods." It's not even as though they're asking you out. They're just trying to work.

Edited February 16, 2015 by Eggplant

[Toodaloo]

A great big no-no for me, but not for the reasons you suggested. Instead because of this:

 

• you're not ever going to be #1, and if you give that position up, it might as well be your child
  
• you might also have dad/mom as a lifetime partner too
  
• if you don't have a child, you can't know what it is like... you're way behind your partner in experience. I liked the idea of my first time being their first time too
  
• children limit your choices as to what you can do
  
• you just might end up loving the child but not the parent. then what do you do?
  
• when they dump you, it hurts twice as much or more, and it might hurt the child too
  

 

This is my only red flag.

 

I don't have a problem with dating a single Dad and I do not judge single Mums...

 

Everyone has a story. May as well let them tell you theirs. Then make your judgement.

 

I often get people asking me what is "wrong" with me because I haven't been married or had children already...

 

So it seems these days no matter what you do someone will judge you.

[Mr.D.E.B.T.]

If your over the age of twenty-seven and don't want to be lonely, you better be open to dating someone with a child. I'm sure there are a few pockets in the U.S. where most women or men between ages twenty-seven and thirty-seven don't have a child, but what do you do if you live within the majority? Besides, creating a negative reason for someone's past decisions is a bit silly.

[wb1988]

[*]you just might end up loving the child but not the parent. then what do you do?

 

There is a guy at my workplace in that situation. He married a mom and got divorced after a many years together. He seems very close to the daughter like he's her real dad but she always hits him up for money (he's paying for her university tuition) and his life seems so occupied by her that he hasn't had a date/sex in a decade. Out of all the points you made that is the 1 point that wouldn't bother me.

 

If your over the age of twenty-seven and don't want to be lonely, you better be open to dating someone with a child. I'm sure there are a few pockets in the U.S. where most women or men between ages twenty-seven and thirty-seven don't have a child, but what do you do if you live within the majority? Besides, creating a negative reason for someone's past decisions is a bit silly.

 

Huh, where do you live in the 1800s? I'm 26 and almost all of the girls my age are childless. My dad married my mom when he was 51 (I think my mom was in her late 20's, they had me after marriage) and he told me that he didn't have any problem finding single women so I don't think what you're saying would be true even long ago.

[Erised]

Personally ive never had problems with men not wanting to date me because im a single mom..

 

Nope. Lack of options for a relationship is not a problem I've had since my divorce.

Single dads and child-free.

*shrug*

 

I'm in favor of someone for whom it would be an issue absolutely not dating single mothers, though. That's good. To thine own self be true. Don't hurt another person and a child in a relationship if you are lukewarm about it, or are merely accepting it.

Just don't assume that your assumptions or preferences are everyone's.

[lgspot]

I've found there is usually a story within a story when dating single moms.

One thing I've learned, most single moms are good at multitasking and have not had trouble making time for me.

A good woman is a good woman whether she has kids or not.

[kaylan]

Depends on your age. Im in my 20s, so its a deal breaker for me. And not because of some moral judgement, but because I want to date someone without the baggage and responsibility of kids. I know people end up single with kids for a variety of reasons.

 

Once you get older though, the reality is that most women will have had kids. But if you live in a big city, there should be plenty of child-less women to go around.

[alphamale]

i have no opinion on this issue

i decided to change my mind, i do have an opinion

 

if the children are teenagers then forget dating their mom. if the kids are more like 5 to 10 yrs old then its better for you. after her long hard day playing mom she'll be wooed by the meal you take her out for. Then after a few drinks she'll really show her appreciation in the bedroom

[runredlights]

OMG American society (if you are American) has no respect for our older generations. If these people are in their middle age, you are out of line with your mocking remarks.

 

Older people have baggage because they are older and that is natural.

 

Did these women all tell you they were sure they had the *** they did when they were 20? How do you know what they think? Maybe they are just confident in their own skin. They do not need your approval. The way they dress probably is bad, but who cares.

 

As far as 9 bucks an hour, so are you saying you feel superior to people who are poor?

 

People, particularly in their elder years, become less marketable for dating. It's fine to say that you don't want to date somebody because she/he doesn't bring enough to the table.

 

All the while, for the record, it is not a crime to exist and be single and not be considered a good catch by you or by other people in general. It's therefore not right for you to be disrespectful and call them names like "damaged goods." It's not even as though they're asking you out. They're just trying to work.

 

Don't censor me Eggplant. And what the hell are you even talking about with American society and people not respecting the elderly jargon? The women I work with aren't prehistoric as you make them out to be. I'm 24 and they're mostly late 30's to mid 40's. Call centers are attractive environments for single moms because depending on the type of call center it is and if you are good enough then you may have the option to work from home and have the dialer set up on your own personal computer (So they can stay with their children at home.) In the past on LS when someone has said the "POF" type I didn't get it, but now know exactly what that means first hand and I see it every day at work.

 

Unless widowed or divorced I'm inclined to believe that single mothers are white trash for the most part. Just toxic combinations of being/having: uneducated, overweight, tattoos, cigs, multiple children w/ different daddies,and generally just someone who had made consistent horrible choices in life.

 

So why would a man want to take on any of that?

[Timshel]

What does POF mean? I have never heard this word before?

[todreaminblue]

i have five children born out of wedlock.....three of them were born in a fifteen year relationship..i was engaged for seven of those years....in which the father opted to abandon his family for another woman.....the relationship before that my other ex abandoned me after i gave birth to my second son....for another woman...i had to track him down ...found him living with another he got a tattooo for her....after knowing her a couple of weeks.......i was with him through many indiscetions for three years..gave him chance after chance......i remain friends with both exes......i guess looking at em from the outside......it might seem that i have no control.......i would say that thought would be an illusion......but ..i am not desperate..i dont want to be with a guy who would think me of low morals....or that i have lack of control......because i control myself quite harshly..i am my own worst critic.......its not my place however to control a wayward partner....they do what they do.....its not my fault they strayed.......deb

[ascendotum]

Depends on your age. Im in my 20s, so its a deal breaker for me. And not because of some moral judgement, but because I want to date someone without the baggage and responsibility of kids. I know people end up single with kids for a variety of reasons.

 

Once you get older though, the reality is that most women will have had kids. But if you live in a big city, there should be plenty of child-less women to go around.

 

I agree with your post, and I'd say its that way for vast majority of guys in their 20s. where you live I'm sure will have an impact on how many single women late 20s up will be child free and single. Every year over 30 and the numbers will drop so as you get past early 30s I would not necessarily say plenty to go around especially if the woman has a slim figure. Older men will very much be competing for these women, younger guys out to hookup with them and lots of single dads will be trying to date them. For every single mom there is a single dad, but many of these will chase child-free women.

 

 

Originally Posted by Omei

Personally ive never had problems with men not wanting to date me because im a single mom..

Attractive single moms will have no problem finding men to date them, even plenty of attractive successful men for hookups/fwb. Many single moms, more so the ones that don't qualify for the yummy mommy / milf tag and also more than one child will have a harder time getting a guy (with plenty of options) to stick around for a serious relationship, generally speaking imo. She will still have plenty of takers for hookup dates.

[Timshel]

Ok I looked POF up and feel pretty stupid. Plenty of Fish. Sorry, I don't online date. Hard to believe I guess but 100% true. I'm not ready to date yet anyway and even when I do, I'm a weirdo I guess, because I just can't picture myself online dating.

[neowulf]

I dont think single moms expect a man to care for their children, I dont, ive spent eight years caring for my child on my own. I dont think a man's gonna come along and do any better lol or that I even need him too ive been perfectly successful on my own, I dont need a man to do anything for my kid I have it under control. For him to have any real part in taking care of my child we would have to have been together for quite a few years first before id let a guy do that.

 

I don't mean to be rude, but to me, it seems like part of the problem in my mind.

 

There's this part of the woman's life that has *nothing* to do with me. Yet, it's vitally important to her, but I'm not involved in it. It's like this part of the relationship that's considered out of bounds.

 

I do wonder if that effects closeness. I also wonder about the child's thoughts on the situation. If the man isn't a "father figure" to them, does the child just seem them as "some guy who's banging my Mum".

 

I don't have a lot of experience with dating single mothers and I don't mean to judge. I'm sure a lot of people can and do make it work. I'm just not sure I'd be able to manage it.

[ktya]

Also what are single moms expecting? You expect a guy to raise a kid that isn't his (that is SUCH A BIG DEAL!!!), accept that the kid will always be a far first before him, consider that any work he puts towards the kid isn't going to be considered work towards the mom and also accept that there will always be another guy (the baby's daddy) in the picture?

=

 

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and was left with nothing but a $20,000 hole in my cumulative net worth. Taught the kid to read, how to bank, took them on great vacations a few times a year, I was the only dad the kid ever knew. I tried to continue on in the role because after 4 years half the kids life I had bonded with her, but the mother when she moved to the next guy just blacked out and stole the money I put in the kids bank account. Due to the moms health problems at times I was so involved I felt like a single father. What a rip.

 

Not all single moms are trash but a lot of them are. I'd separate the divorced and widowed ladies from the ones who have young kids out of wedlock.

 

I'd date a single mom, but I would want to know the real deal on how she became a single mom and I'd want verification, I wouldn't randomly trust the victim tale again.

[Omei]

I don't mean to be rude, but to me, it seems like part of the problem in my mind.

 

There's this part of the woman's life that has *nothing* to do with me. Yet, it's vitally important to her, but I'm not involved in it. It's like this part of the relationship that's considered out of bounds.

 

I do wonder if that effects closeness. I also wonder about the child's thoughts on the situation. If the man isn't a "father figure" to them, does the child just seem them as "some guy who's banging my Mum".

 

I don't have a lot of experience with dating single mothers and I don't mean to judge. I'm sure a lot of people can and do make it work. I'm just not sure I'd be able to manage it.

 

I think done properly they dont think "some guy banging my mom" when my ex finally did meet my child he was apart of the relationship, I didnt make him take on the responsibilities of her they just had a nice friendship like a playmate and a buddy to trust, I wouldn't ever have sex with with my daughter present in the house there are plenty of ways to get alone time without them being around.

 

I think some single moms just give up trying and allow everything to just happen with them fully involved because they're too lazy to take the proper steps.

 

A boyfriend doesnt have to be anything but nice to your offspring thats all you can really ask for.

 

Frankly if any men have bad experiences with single moms using them for financial support or forcing him to take on a fatherly role simply to use them I cant help but feel they're somewhat to blame for accepting that situation while entering a new relationship and they should of seen the signs.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Omei

[neowulf]

Frankly if any men have bad experiences with single moms using them for financial support or forcing him to take on a fatherly role simply to use them I cant help but feel they're somewhat to blame for accepting that situation while entering a new relationship and they should of seen the signs.

 

Of course. A woman's' status as a single mother doesn't absolve the man from taking his portion of responsibility for the situation. If only love didn't make us so irrational.

 

I guess all you can do is decide what you're willing to deal with in a relationship and what your deal breakers are. If you don't believe you can handle being with a single parent, then don't. The worlds a big place, there are more than enough partners to go around.

[Moy]

Don't censor me Eggplant. And what the hell are you even talking about with American society and people not respecting the elderly jargon? The women I work with aren't prehistoric as you make them out to be. I'm 24 and they're mostly late 30's to mid 40's. Call centers are attractive environments for single moms because depending on the type of call center it is and if you are good enough then you may have the option to work from home and have the dialer set up on your own personal computer (So they can stay with their children at home.) In the past on LS when someone has said the "POF" type I didn't get it, but now know exactly what that means first hand and I see it every day at work.

 

Unless widowed or divorced I'm inclined to believe that single mothers are white trash for the most part. Just toxic combinations of being/having: uneducated, overweight, tattoos, cigs, multiple children w/ different daddies,and generally just someone who had made consistent horrible choices in life.

 

So why would a man want to take on any of that?

 

They've got VAGINAS - get with the programme!

 

I'm open to dating a single mother - as I'm a single father. But there are boundaries:

 

1. Any pressure on me to sell my house and move in with her (along with the equity from the sale of my property, which I would be expected to hand over to her) then I'm out.

 

2. Stating that 'she doesn't need a dad for her kids' and then coming to realise that's EXACTLY what she's after - especially when she goes ballistic at you because you used some of your hard earned money on car repairs etc. instead of buying little Jimmy that games console. I'm out.

 

3. "You're not my real dad." I'm out.

 

4. Any aggression from the kids' dad(s.) I'm out.

 

5. Any expectation put on me to be a white knight, walking ATM or personal school taxi service from the get-go. I'm out.

 

My reward for accepting the above? The chance to haemmorage my time and money on children that have nothing to do with me and to be taken for granted and treated with contempt for doing so. I'm cynical and smart enough to know that the woman does not love me, she just wants the resources that she can no longer get from her ex.

 

Alpha f***s and Beta bucks.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Moy

[Eggplant]

Unless widowed or divorced I'm inclined to believe that single mothers are white trash for the most part. Just toxic combinations of being/having: uneducated, overweight, tattoos, cigs, multiple children w/ different daddies,and generally just someone who had made consistent horrible choices in life.

 

So why would a man want to take on any of that?

 

This term white trash... Why do you use it to describe another human being with flaws? Are you perfect? There may be people with fewer flaws than you who describe you equally harshly. (Or are you perfect?)

 

Why, moreover, do you use the qualifier "white"? Is there some other kind of trash you are implying is default trash?

 

Just toxic combinations of being/having: uneducated, overweight, tattoos, cigs, multiple children w/ different daddies,and generally just someone who had made consistent horrible choices in life.

 

So why would a man want to take on any of that?

 

I agree with that multiple red flags combined with being a have-not means a man should definitely not want to take on any of that. Why can't you just say that without resorting to hate speech?

[Haydn]

OP, (Original question)

 

Not at all as are dads with kids (Like me)

 

You know what you are getting yourself into and yes it does take someone quite special to get to know someone elses kids.

 

My GF has never tried to become a mother to mine but she is there for them should the need arise and works well with their mother if need be.

 

I`ve had GF who think they `know kids` and fall over themselves to prove it. Or they think they know how a childs mind works because they went on a workshop.

 

It`s a gradual process for anyone Man/Woman.

 

Can be hard work or it can be deliciously simple.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I don't have qualms of dating a woman with kids. If the kids are too young, I wont' date them. Also, if they have them 24/7, I won't date them either. Much prefer them without kids, but that's not realistic after a certain age. So there's some grey areas there.

 

What I get tired of seeing in profiles are the cliched "My kids are my world!" or "My kids are my life!" "You must love children!" etc.

[CalvinM]

I'm seeing someone with a kid.

[RedRobin]

No offense, OP, but I don't view people with kids as any different than those who come to the table with prior commitments of any kind.

 

 

Could be work, aging parents, some health issue that needs to be managed... etc. If you don't like kids, then fine. Don't date someone who has them. No need to trash the parents.

 

 

My only gripe with any single parents are those who use the kids as an excuse to be routinely flaky... or to explain away their romantic troubles... or any other crutch. Kids are a blessing (and a responsibility, of course). They can sense very well when the parents treat them like a liability in their life.

 

 

Also am tired of hearing "my kids are my life", or "my kids are my world". There is no replacing the care and affection of a responsible other adult. If your kids are your world, then don't date. Period. Too many single parents treat their kids like a surrogate partner, and that is wrong in my view too.

 

 

How many people would sign up to date someone who said "My work is my life" or "My work is my world" or "My aging parents get most of my free time, but I'll try to find time to squeeze you in." or "I play video games and watch TV at least 4-8 hours a day. It's my world!" or "Eating and watching TV is my hobby". Oh wait, that is most Americans... never mind

Edited February 17, 2015 by RedRobin

[No Limit]

My mom's been a single mom for 15 years now and both she and I got to feel how judgemental our area is - not very surprising I guess, we live in a rural area.

 

Worry #1 by our female neighbours seemed to be that my mom would hunt after their husbands or try to seduce them. Nope, my mom's from a different country (and ethnicity) and thinks all men around here to be bad looking because they're not her taste (although our former landlord did try very hard to get her to be his OW, even started harassment when she kept refusing, probably fearing she'd go to his wife - nah, we moved).

Moving didn't improve things much however. There were less scumbag husbands but more women who kept their guys away 'in advance'; our neighbour (and my mom's co worker) was in the middle of divorcing when we moved here so of course she believed they had something going on and set her daughter to harass me as soon as I'd leave the house (didn't end well for that kid, but that's another story). I've also been treated... differently by people in general before my final few years in highschool.

 

As for dating, my mom prefers to be alone. We're just different. And yeah, whatever guy tried to woo her now would probably always be considered #2 by her. (Although that might change when I'm finished with studying and she might move back or at the very least get a holiday residence in our native country.)

 

 

edit;

On the kids' age issue. Now my personal trouble after divorce was that at first I'd try to replace my father and bond with people like my mom's buddies and stuff like that - so if you see a single mom with a young kid whose daddy isn't around at all chances are she or he will replace him with you (which is why single mom's who hop from man to man deserve the middle finger if you ask me). As for teenage years; nah, I don't care what my mom does on a romantic level. I don't ever want to run in on her with another guy on the sofa of course but except for reservation towards expressing sexuality when I'm around I don't really care.

Edited February 17, 2015 by No Limit