h0000 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So I met this guy online just 2 weeks ago. He would text me fairly often and we have seen each other 3 times. I feel things are heating up fast on my side. But clearly he is still talking to other girls online and it starts to bug me a little. I am not sure I have the right to be pissed. After all it's only been two weeks and I'd appear crazy if I asked him to be exclusive..However I feel I would get more and more upset if this goes on. So I need some advice as what to do here?
wb1988 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 There are no rules until you are bf/gf or have at least subtly implied exclusivity. Of course it will bug you, it's called jealousy. 1
Author h0000 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 So....Am I supposed to just put up with it? and learn not to be jealous? or should I cut him loose...Or should I talk to him about exclusivity... 1
marie55567 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So....Am I supposed to just put up with it? and learn not to be jealous? or should I cut him loose...Or should I talk to him about exclusivity... Keep your options open too just in case things don't work with this guy otherwise it is what it is. 1
Gloria25 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So....Am I supposed to just put up with it? and learn not to be jealous? or should I cut him loose...Or should I talk to him about exclusivity... Um, I think two weeks is kinda soon to talk exclusivity.... Also, before sex happens you need to address him seeing other women. Or did sex happen already?
Author h0000 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Keep your options open too just in case things don't work with this guy otherwise it is what it is. I am keeping my options open..but I know it's unlikely for me to meet and grow the same feeling with someone else..
Author h0000 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Um, I think two weeks is kinda soon to talk exclusivity.... Also, before sex happens you need to address him seeing other women. Or did sex happen already? So seems like he is totally entitled to see other women after only two weeks of seeing me? Should I try not get jealous over this and keep thing fun for 4 weeks then bring the exclusity topic up ?
Author h0000 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 About sex yes. I spent Valentine's day with him and we had sex...and yeah he told me he is only having sex with me. Maybe it's true but doesn't mater cuz he is talking to other women and they may have sex
A O Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So I met this guy online just 2 weeks ago. He would text me fairly often and we have seen each other 3 times. I feel things are heating up fast on my side. But clearly he is still talking to other girls online and it starts to bug me a little. I am not sure I have the right to be pissed. After all it's only been two weeks and I'd appear crazy if I asked him to be exclusive..However I feel I would get more and more upset if this goes on. So I need some advice as what to do here? You have the right to set the rules of engagement. You have the right to lay down the terms over how you wish to treated in any given situation. The power is in your hands, ain't nothing stopping you from exercising it. Thus, when it comes to dating, it is just me and the person I'm seeing, that's the way I want it, so this is made clear fairly early on...they take it or they leave it. It doesn't have jack shyt to do with anything else, it just means that in the dating game, I'm a one at a time guy. The bottom line here though is that we are the architects of our own happiness. 2
guest569 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 There's nothing wrong with wanting something exclusive. You can raise it with him, tolerate it, or walk away. 1
Gloria25 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 About sex yes. I spent Valentine's day with him and we had sex...and yeah he told me he is only having sex with me. Maybe it's true but doesn't mater cuz he is talking to other women and they may have sex Well, I see where your jealousy is fueled from now. We women, when we have sex, a biological thing happens where we "bond" with the guy. Next time, I recommend getting to know someone better before you have sex cuz now that he got his fill, he probably lost interest in getting to know you better. Guys have interest before sex...if you don't spend time to "bond" with them and get to know what they want from you, if they're seeing others, etc. and you have sex, then you are risking giving up yourself and bonding physically to a guy you don't know. And two weeks is nothing to get to know someone romantically (friends, co-working, and/or shacking up time doesn't count). So, even though you still slept with him, two weeks is too soon to ask for exclusivity cuz you two don't even know each other. At this point, you can probably keep on seeing him and see if you can bring up exclusivity at the month mark, but if you pull back sex, then be ready for him to say you pulled a "bait and switch". If you decide to pull back sex, then just tell him you like the sex and all, but want to get to know him without the "sex goggles" that sex sometimes does (making something there solely based on physical chemistry). 1
rocketman122 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I dont date multidaters and if I find out they are (which never happened) I simply do the houdini and disappear. I have WAY too many options. im not the average guy. its also a trust issue for me with those who multidate. fortunately women I date want exclusivity from the get go and so do I. this exclusivity garbage came from the US. most of the world doesnt have that crap. no wonder so many single people there. 4
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So I met this guy online just 2 weeks ago. He would text me fairly often and we have seen each other 3 times. I feel things are heating up fast on my side. But clearly he is still talking to other girls online and it starts to bug me a little. I am not sure I have the right to be pissed. After all it's only been two weeks and I'd appear crazy if I asked him to be exclusive..However I feel I would get more and more upset if this goes on. So I need some advice as what to do here? You can talk about exclusivity after 1-2-3-4 dates as you wish. You decide what sits well with you. A man that is totally into you will jump on board, a man that is shopping around will decline. My ex-boyfriend asked me to be exclusive on our 4th date and he didn't appear crazy and I was happy to give him a big yes. Online dating is a cruel world and unfortunately you will learn to navigate through it the hard way. When you meet a man and he's into you he's not going to browse the net on daily basis. His interest to go online will drop. If you notice the man you are seeing is constantly online then don't have sex with him and don't put any hope in him. You can continue seeing him in a casual way but don't be intimate with him. I met a man Friday night, when I came back home I went online to get my message and saw he had taken his pictures down. When I spoke to him he told me he is happy with meeting me and does not want to get on there for now. When a man will be into you, he will be in your face with it, you won't have to ask him anything! Personally I would not ask a man for exclusivity. I think you are in a safer place when you let the man bring it up. In the past I did bring up exclusivity myself and it never turned out to be a strong committed exclusivity from the man, there was always this doubt in me that he had said yes to shut me up and have his cake. If exclusivity comes from the man than you know 100% he wants it. 1
the tank Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Why do you want him as a boyfriend ? It's a real question , I am interest in the answer... because in my opinion a guy who want to be with a girl , will not have sex with other woman even if they are not exclusive, it's just comon sense. I never had the talk with any of my GF . We just know we were exclusive !
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Why do you want him as a boyfriend ? Excellent question I never had the talk with any of my GF . We just know we were exclusive ! Not in this day and age and especially not if you meet online. I am 49 years old and I never had the exclusivity talk in my days but now with the online phenomenon and multi-dating you are a fool waiting to be played with if you don't have the exclusivity talk.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Sounds like the guy is just taking you for a ride on his merry-go-round. But keep in mind, a lot of women online these days multi-date and see which guy they like best...even after weeks and months, let alone they probably have a FWB on the side as well. Many women keep their "options" open in different ways in case they need to hop on another guy that they like better or is offering some kind of exclusivity that they are also interested in. How many men they're sleeping with is their own little secret. Women tend to like titles and definitions, so without that "label" or talk then that's what they go by. But It's the few guys who actually have options that can do what the average woman can do by default. So if he's able to actual date multiple women at a time, it's likely he won't just give that up for the likes of you. Men have to be ready and willing to be exclusive, otherwise no amount of talk, agreement or conversation is going to do you any good. Therefore if you believe he's still dating and sleeping with multiple women then you should read the writing on the wall and walk away, you shouldn't need this concrete word-for-word exact conversation or sentence that let's you know FOR SURE...what he wants, if you're that way then you're like many women and will dig your own grave and learn the hard way. Most choose the hard way...and likely so will you. 2
siabe Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Cut him loose. You're obviously looking for something serious and he isn't. Men can fall for a woman very quickly and when they do, they want to be exclusive. This man doesn't seem to care much about you and rather keeps his options open by talking and maybe dating other women. You don't have to be overly dramatic and say 'It's over and I never wanna see you again', I would just stop calling and texting him and withdraw myself from him. If he's into you and wants you exclusively in his life he will chase you. If not, you know that he wasn't into you in the first place. 2
veggirl Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Why would you have sex with someone you know is dating other girls? imo after 3 dates, someone should KNOW if they want to just pursue me or not, and vice versa. You guys should be excited about each other, not other people. HJNTIY, I'm afraid. 3
writergal Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 "I don't think I'd like to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about." - Cecily Cardew, The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde I'll just call you Cecily, OP, because you need some guidance. You've hooked up with a very unreasonable, indiscreet kind of guy. He's having sex with you and still multi-dating other women (whom he could be sleeping with too). Yuck. He doesn't want to commit to you or he would have. If you stay with him, you will continue to be just an option - one of many no doubt. Men are simple minded. They either are committed or they're not.
wb1988 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 (edited) I hate to be this guy but I doubt all of you would care if this guy was a chick, as in if a woman did the same thing. You'd go on about feminism, self-respect, freedom, not being 'tied down' and all that but because he's a male he's a 2nd class citizen right, like the girl owns him the moment she message him? If this guy was a loser he'd lay down his armour after the 1st date, but any guy that's a catch will have other women into him and therefore will be harder to pin down. Edited February 15, 2015 by wb1988
Honeybunnies Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I hate to be this guy but I doubt all of you would care if this guy was a chick, as in if a woman did the same thing. You'd go on about feminism, self-respect, freedom, not being 'tied down' and all that but because he's a male he's a 2nd class citizen right, like the girl owns him the moment she message him? If this guy was a loser he'd lay down his armour after the 1st date, but any guy that's a catch will have other women into him and therefore will be harder to pin down. I don't think anyone is saying OP "owns him" and I don't think anyone is saying it's wrong for this man to be dating multiple women. BOTH men and women have the right to date as many people as they want. I just hope they are honest about multi-dating, ESPECIALLY if they are having sex with different people. If you have an issue being "one of many," you can walk away or talk about being exclusive. I think this would be the same advice given, regardless of who is asking. 1
Maleficent Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I hate to be this guy but I doubt all of you would care if this guy was a chick, as in if a woman did the same thing. You'd go on about feminism, self-respect, freedom, not being 'tied down' and all that. Actually you're kind of wrong about that... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/514256-guy-called-me-emotional-slut A lot of people actually agreed the OP in case was wrong to multi date even though she did not have sex with the guys she was dating. 1
MissBee Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So I met this guy online just 2 weeks ago. He would text me fairly often and we have seen each other 3 times. I feel things are heating up fast on my side. But clearly he is still talking to other girls online and it starts to bug me a little. I am not sure I have the right to be pissed. After all it's only been two weeks and I'd appear crazy if I asked him to be exclusive..However I feel I would get more and more upset if this goes on. So I need some advice as what to do here? Nothing wrong with being clear about what you are looking for. The worst idea that leads to problems in dating is people not being clear about what they want and making sure the other person is on the same page. Instead they guess and assume or don't ask for fear of the answer. It wastes time. In dating, if I want something serious I'm frank about it. I find out if the guy is looking for the same or just wants to date around casually. If he wants casual dating it's fine but he and I aren't a match at that point and I save myself the drama and heartache of dating for months without knowing the truth. I expect that when a man and I first start dating he will see others. This is normal. But what I do need to know is what he wants and where he and I stand. With two of my boyfriends they were seeing other women at the same time in the beginning but naturally stopped when they started really liking me and by 3/4 dates in we had the talk about what we want and decided to just focus on each other and see where things would go with us. None of this was magic though and required communication. With my last bf he did tell me after our second date that he was going to go on another date, I told him I understood. I told him I liked him, I only wanted to see him and I felt jealous about it but it was his choice. On his own he later said he canceled the date because he didn't want to lose what we seemed to be building and he liked me a lot and would rather see where things went with us than seeing someone new. Communicate, you will either be on the same page, work things out and become closer OR you will not be on the same page and they end, both of which are in fact good things.
morbot_k Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 You should ask yourself what you really want from this and if he is on the same page. If he is dating a bunch of people then he probably isn't in any rush to get involved with someone. So you have a choice, you can play at his speed, try to move faster, or walk away. If you try to move faster, there is a very strong chance he will do the walking away. If you play at his speed, sounds like it will eat you up because you like this guy and there's a risk the jealousy will cause dysfunctional things to happen. And doesn't like you are ready to walk away. If you are truly looking for a life partner, and you feel you have a connection and dialogue with this person (I would hope so if you had sex with them), then the best thing to do is just have a conversation about how you feel without pushing him in any direction. The key is to be open and honest, but understanding and open-minded to the way the other person is feeling. Remember everyone has their own fears, desires, and needs when it comes to relationships. But it's best not to speculate on what his are because you likely be wrong and drive yourself crazy. Instead, just have open communication. If that doesn't work and result in understanding, then he definitely isn't the right person for you and you should respect yourself and move on. But don't do it to get what you want, do it to get to a better place of understanding.
Author h0000 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I would do the same thing if I were him (date other people early on) so I don't blame him. However I agree after certain dates one should be able to know what one want. I don't like telling him "you should stop seeing other people" I feel he will naturally do it if he's into me. I know I ultimately want a serious bf, meaning I would never settle for a fwb or alike. But I'm in no rush either. For me I wasn't crazy about him at the beginning and was talking to other men too. after 2 dates or so my feelings grew and now I can see him exclusively. I don't mind that he's doing the same as long as soon after he begins to know what he wants. Usually I wouldn't have such a problem but gees this guy has so many girls messaging him and it did get me a bit jealous. Anyway I plan to cool down and see how I feel and how he reacts after a week of very limited contact
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