LoveAlways Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Okay, I know everyone is going to jump at me and say "If you really love someone, you KNOW you do, there's no question". BUT as I've grown older (to my mature age of 19 and been with the same guy for 5 years I've come to question the concept of love and experienced severe confusion and stress about my relationship!!! Now I'm at the point where I desperately need help. What bothers me is we started out as an immature teenage score where the basis of our relationship for 2 years was having fun, identifying common interests and enjoying one anothers companies. It's not like I chose him on the basis of his personality and relationship skills. Because now that I assess these things I find flaws in his character which I dont know whether I can accept or not. And its getting in the way of me loving him. He cant "fight" constructively to save his life. He has this anger problem which comes out when I frustrate him. How do I frustrate him? Very easily - when sad, stressed or not understanding him. But he gets so frustrated he like pulls his hair out and kicks things. This has turned me off him but a part of me wants to love him but I dont know if I do anymore. Please help me find out if I do? Has anyone been in this situation?
NTB Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 you kinda just answered your own question you just know you do when you love someone you overlook things and when you don't then you notice all the things that just bother you and so on but mainly you just know you do.........
sprightlee Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 There is nothing that I can say that is not cliched or that I wasn't told also, (and didn't like hearing) so I will not mince words here. You have not met even half of the people that you will meet for the rest of your life, and if you were going to be content with him for your entire life, you wouldn't have these doubts. It is possible to love someone that you have little respect for, especially if you fell for them in your late teens. It is such an exploratory time that you can't be bored, and you confuse this with an earth-shattering connection, which does not exist. I was with my sweetheart for 3 years before I grew up enough to realize that there was, to quote Bjork, "more to life than this." We all grow in different ways and speeds, and some people hit a brick wall. (like my ex.) I suggest that you write a list of the qualities that you want in someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. In writing it you should be reasonable, but not sell yourself short, and you MUST write it with no specific person in mind. Having written this list, compare the boyfriend and see how things measure up. BOTTOM LINE: You should be happy. Love is about contentment and unity, not doubt and annoyance. I had thought that I would be with my ex for life. And when that thought started to bother me, I had to get out. And while I am glad I did leave him, I did love him and I am grateful for the experiences we had during the good times. And fear not, I met the love of my life, and I know he is the one, so yes, that feeling does come, and there is a man out there who will measure up to the list!!
RecordProducer Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 All you described reminded me on my first boyfriend. I was almost 16 and he was almost 22 when we hooked up. I was too young to love him for the right things. I only thought he was cute. As I was growing up, I became better than him and he started pissing me off too much. We stayed together for 6 years when I finally realized that he wasn't the right one for me. But during all those years, I thought I loved him very much and I was actually fantasizing about some imaginary characters and dreamt about meeting the right person. His behavior and stupidity and mentality pissed me off big time. When I was turning 22 (on my B/day) he proposed to me and I said "yes". We were apart for 9 months and I was lonely. But as soon as I got back home and we started living together, after two months I was absolutely sure I couldn't stand him for one more day. I continued to believe that I loved him though. Then I hooked up with my ex-husband and forgot about the BF. I realized how awful he was to me during those 6 years. He didn't like to cuddle, he was selfish, he was a loser, and above all, he only wanted to marry me because my ex-step-father was wealthy and he wanted to work for his company. He was also not supportive about a huge trauma I had in my childhood. I don't think what you're feeling is real love.
Marshbear Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I also don't think you love him. If you did you would think he is wonderful and would find no fault with him. Or if you did you would think it was things you could live with. You need to listen to what your little voice is telling you and back away.
Author LoveAlways Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 Sprightlee your idea of writing up a list of desirable qualities is awesome. Everyone deserves their fairytale or the closest they can get to it don’t they. I am happy for you that you’ve found your “one”. Record Producer, you describe a terrible ex who was lazy, manipulative and absent in support, and yet something kept you with him for so long. Its scary how comfort zones blind us to the world outside our relationships. I’m glad you saw the light! Marshbear, thank you for your advice. You are all so wise. TO CONTEXTUALIZE THE ISSUE BETTER: He has extremely good qualities, he shows love through actions, affection and words, is extremely supportive of things important to me (fears and insecurities, family, academic goals). He is faithful and protective over my safety (insists I drive the “safe route home” etc). For reasons of his own, he seems to think I’m the best girl in the world. So in short, he has a great big heart. The negative qualities come in during conflict. We CANNOT resolve arguments and I think it’s because of this unfortunate relationship ruining side of his personality. Apart from not being able to speak calmly or behave rationally, he becomes insulting (although apologises and takes back what he says straight afterwards), physical (never on me however) and BLOODY SENSELESS. And this is where I realise the gap in our intellects. I know how to act, he doesn’t. I plead him to see the light, he cant. We are just so far apart sometimes. I feel so lonely in the relationship sometimes, so misunderstood. And yet I cant leave this boy yet, something PULLS me toward him. Maybe its not substantial enough. By the way, we are having a break at the moment. I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks as I’m trying to figure it all out. I miss him but I’m trying to be strong. I think I know what the truth about all this is but it hurts too much and I guess I was looking for an answer I wont really get – that we can be perfect for each other…
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