towardthefuture Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 It's been a little over two months now. I feel okay most of the day but still, almost every morning my first thought is her and I usually have a dream about her. I've reached the point where I really feel like I've been so hurt and, mentally, that I could never take her back for that reason. She lied to me, she cheated on me and she left me for someone else. She abandoned me. She didn't try to talk it out to save our relationship. Destroyed my trust in her. But I still want her back emotionally. I feel like I have to fight that feeling. I'm out of the fog where I think the relationship falling apart is all my fault. My online dating is getting a lot better. I've gotten 7 girls phone numbers. I still haven't found a job but I'm thinking about lowering my sights and just working some retail job until I get back on my feet (who do I have to impress anymore? lol). I have a master's degree and am not finding anything in my field, so, that's why I hadn't taken this step before. Mostly ego. I guess I just have to accept my life where it's at. Every once in a while I still get the idea to send her a message but it's become a lot easier to talk myself out of it. I really wish I hadn't F'd up that first month post BU by doing..... most of the things one shouldn't do. I can't beat myself up too much about it. I feel duped and like a fool, but I'm not to blame for trusting her -- she's to blame for breaking that trust -- and at least my post breakup craziness was honest. At least I only contacted her for a month after 8 years. I've read a lot of people's stories on here and a few do better than that but I see a lot of guys who do a lot worse. I started writing a novel. Writing used to be a big passion of mine but I haven't written anything in years. I'm watching this show Californication and I see a lot of myself in the main character and the plot in general. Writing a young adult novel. Does anyone have any tips on how to get past this wake-up sadness? Just more time? I don't know what I want from this post. I guess I just want some emotional support.
Elle1975 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I find that I process things during my sleep, like everybody else. I did notice it mainly concerning my school, and what I have learned the evening prior. Point is, you process your feelings while you sleep, Id say it probably takes you a little bit to "snap" out of it. I also find that when I confront what's bothering me head on during the day, it doesn't haunt me as much when I am asleep. What's your field? Try and find a job in a college or university, it will look better on your resume than "home depot", and it might open some doors. 1
Author towardthefuture Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I find that I process things during my sleep, like everybody else. I did notice it mainly concerning my school, and what I have learned the evening prior. Point is, you process your feelings while you sleep, Id say it probably takes you a little bit to "snap" out of it. I also find that when I confront what's bothering me head on during the day, it doesn't haunt me as much when I am asleep. What's your field? Try and find a job in a college or university, it will look better on your resume than "home depot", and it might open some doors. My degree is in interactive media design and development. When I went to school I wanted to make video games, worked in that field for a while, the recession made it tough to get a job. Now I've been out of work so long I'd have to start over and I don't have any interest in games any more (basically I grew out of it). So I've been trying to get an internship or entry level job in interactive advertising where there are a lot of transferable skills. This is part of the reason my ex cheated on me and left me. I can picture her friends telling her things like 'loser' 'deadbeat' But I think a lot of people fail in their first careers and find themselves having to pick up the pieces. In fact, it happened to her as well. Except I stuck by her.
Elle1975 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 mmh that's not a good reason to cheat on somebody, sorry to say. An entry job in your field (or related to) is fine, but stay away from retail. The hours sucks, the pay suck, and it just look bad on your resume. I am an adult student and I work at 2 bookstores in 2 different schools. I like it. I meet a lot of different people (served the director from a famous movie yesterday, great polite kids..). I don't believe in luck. You make your own luck. You have a master, transfer your skills, learn new ones. You will be fine, successful. 1
Author towardthefuture Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 mmh that's not a good reason to cheat on somebody, sorry to say. An entry job in your field (or related to) is fine, but stay away from retail. The hours sucks, the pay suck, and it just look bad on your resume. I am an adult student and I work at 2 bookstores in 2 different schools. I like it. I meet a lot of different people (served the director from a famous movie yesterday, great polite kids..). I don't believe in luck. You make your own luck. You have a master, transfer your skills, learn new ones. You will be fine, successful. I feel like a lot of women lose attraction to men if they're unemployed for a long time. And I've been unemployed for a very long time (over two years). Was unemployed, then get a serious illness that consumed my life for a year, then did some volunteer stuff. That doesn't excuse the cheating -- she should have told me she was unhappy. But it explains it somewhat. I don't know if my resume can get much *worse* as there's now a huge employment gap. I feel like I have to completely start over. I've sent out probably well over 3000 applications, resumes, etc in those last few years and got only a handful of interviews and no jobs. I got really bitter about how hard it was for me. That's part of the reason she left me also ------ negativity and depression. I just wish I could have the future I envisioned with her. Marriage, kids, good job, the whole thing. Sad
Elle1975 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Attend a resume clinic. That's what I did. I know, I know.. you're probably thinking "boring, waste of time", but they will teach you tons. Not having a decent job is a downer, but I feel that it mostly comes from the vibe you give to women. I am in the same boat. I don't find myself to be a catch "hey! I work 2 jobs, and go to school. Wanna date me?" Bleh. Stop seeing yourself as the guy who's unemployed. You're the guy who's got a plan, and is on his way to a good career. Thing is.. as long as you're trying to better yourself, you're on the right track. Edited February 8, 2015 by Elle1975 1
smellysocksuni Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Hey man, I find mornings hard too, I think it's because you wake up and realise what's happened. Don't be so hard on yourself with the job thing - I'm not working but I take it a day at a time. Having a job although it is excellent, is not everything. Try seeing if you can take up an unpaid position somewhere, and build up your experience that way maybe
bigtrouble Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I've reached the point where I really feel like I've been so hurt and, mentally, that I could never take her back for that reason. She lied to me, she cheated on me and she left me for someone else. She abandoned me. She didn't try to talk it out to save our relationship. Destroyed my trust in her. But I still want her back emotionally. I feel like I have to fight that feeling. I'm out of the fog where I think the relationship falling apart is all my fault. I know what you are going through right now... I do not know if this will work for you... I tried to forget my EX it did not work... I did try to remember myself... Who I am, what I am... I'm the big bad boy... Who don't take cr#p from anyone... and that would include her... I found my courage... I found my strength... I found myself... It gets better hang in there... Just keep moving forward...
Author towardthefuture Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Thanks guys. Your posts really help me through this time. Did some drinking today. I'm not all mopey and crying about it, but I want my wife back. I know we never married but after 8 years I always thought about her as my partner. Until I get the chance to get her back I'm just going to have to be the best me I can be and go **** as many younger girls as I can find. We both hurt each other badly. Life gets complicated. Love is not.
amaysngrace Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 When you wake up I'm sure missing her isn't the only thing that's hard. Pop in a porno and beat off to visions of other hotter sex kitten women. That should fix it.
Author towardthefuture Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Going through it all again today. It's been like......45 days or so of NC, two and a half months since the BU. 8 years relationship. Today is just hardddddd. I'm looking for jobs. I just feel like such a loser, she left me to find a provider. I know that's what was at the heart of it. I miss her and I want her back. She cheated on me and left me and that sucks but she was faithful for years and years and at the end I suckkkkkked she probably got advised by her friends and family to dump me. So my job search is so emotionally charged. Like if I could get a good job I could get her back. But it's still a slog man. Plus it's valentine's day, I'm sitting here in complete agony and I know she's going to be super happy, get drunk and get banged by her new guy. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm never going to find another girlfriend ever because I don't have a good job. Sad. Face.
dyna85 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 She cheated on you. That is not a catch. You can do better than that. By the way, 45 days NC is not long after an 8 yr relationship. You need time to heal, and of course the 'lovers holiday' is not going to feel that pleasant, but you will make it through... and you're not a loser. You're actively looking for a job, which is not what a loser does. Keep your head up... brighter days await you, my friend. 5
Holmes85 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 towardthefuture, If she left you because you didn't had a job and went to find a "provider" I would simply cut all contact with this one. Why you might ask? Simply because the next time I'm feeling down, had a bad day at work, having financial problems etc...is she just going to get up and leave me and be with another guy ASAP? Do I have to constantly live under her highness'es pressure that if I lose a job, I would lose her too? Instead of being understanding about the situation, motivating me and supporting me, she would simply leave me for another guy? I don't need this trash in my life, what's she gonna do when she finds that this "provider" has less money than the other guy she knows who has more, is she gonna drop this one and hop on to the next one? I think you get my point. 2
smellysocksuni Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Just keep moving forward, man. That's all you can do. We're all here with you. 1
erklat Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I had more bad days than I can count. You will just find yourself one day that you don't care as much as you thought you do. Oh, and good luck with job hunting. I'm having a kid on the way so I have to pass two exams more and find a decent job before that. I know it gets frustrating.
Author towardthefuture Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 I find myself imagining her going on some kind of sex bender, banging all the guys I remember hitting on her who she rejected because she was in a relationship. Or at the very least surrounding her like a pack of hungry dogs. re: jobs, I continue the slog but I feel really defeated. Between a year on disability, a failed entrepreneurial venture and this last year I've been unemployed since grad school -- almost 3 years. I've sent out probably, oh I don't know, 3000 applications? Rewrote my resume about 50 times, even got a professional resume service to critique it. I really don't know what to do. This is why she left me, really. Either this directly or because I was depressed and bitter about this. She hit 30, wanted kids, fell out of love because I was this depressed, unwashed couchbody. Now I've fixed my body and my habits and tons and tons of other things, but I haven't been able to fix the job situation. I'm spending literally every day trying to do this, bringing resumes in person to companies. It's been two and a half months and I haven't gotten anything. Just a couple phone interviews, that's all. Everyone I know has been able to find a job by now and I can't find anything. argh, I just want things to go back. I can never take her back, and I feel really defeated. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do better than her. I really loved the **** out of her. Obviously she didn't feel the same way.
Recommended Posts