hurt once again!

[nomoreofthat]

so i used to post here a while ago. i was with a guy, my first real love, for almost 2 years and we broke up in november. it was a very very painful breakup, thought id never recover. i work with him. everyone told me to quit, but i didnt, and in the end i think it was a good thing. now we are good friends.

 

anyways, i didnt have plans to date anyone for awhile, just didnt think i was ready to bounce back from that heartache. i even turned a couple guys down because i didnt feel ready. but then this guy came into the picture. i had dated him for a few months a couple years ago. he had a huge thing for me and pursued hard. at the time, it didnt work. i think mainly it was my fault, i held back a lot because i was still having feelings for someone else. i did like him, but i just didnt want to get involved because these other feelings were always in my head no matter how much i tried to deny them. also he is 4 years older than me, and at the time i was 19 so i couldnt like go out with him and his friends ever and that kinda sucked.

 

fast forward- i had seen him out a few times since the breakup with my ex. and started developing a big crush on him. we'd always remained very friendly with eachother. he's an awesome guy, one of those people who are just so fun and likeable and who everyone loves. i could always tell he has an attraction to me. so my friend had a valentines party and we started talking then, talked all night, and he kissed me at the end of the night. from there we began hanging out quite a bit. he pursued me again. i started spending the night at his house a couple times a week. he acted real cute with me all the time. i kept telling myself to not get too into this, because i cant deal with pain again. i was very cool and casual about it. i didnt want to put any pressure on it, just keep it light and fun and whatever happens happens. we were very open about our past relationships. i told him about my ex and he talked about this girl who really tore him apart during the summer, who he happens to work with also.

 

i stayed at his house mon night and tues night. wednesday morning we cuddled in the morning and he was being real cute and even got pretty frisky with me and was all "i dont want you to leave, youre so warm". so thurs night im out with my friends, its like 1 in the morning and i get a text from him that says "id like to talk to you if you can come by", which is weird anyways cause he never sends texts. i got that very familiar awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. so i went over his house and he was on the porch and i said "hey whats up" and he just gave me this sorta "this is gonna hurt" look so i just turned my head away and bit my lip cause i knew immediately.

 

he said that he really liked me a lot, and definitely loved hanging with me, but he didnt feel it was gonna turn into anything, and that he wasnt "in love". he felt like we were too similar as far as relationships go, in that we're both reserved about what we want and how he didnt know where we stood or anything. i said that was because i didnt want to put any pressure on anything and he said that he was the same way. he said i was a sweetheart and a cool girl and that he was definitely very attracted to me but he didnt see it going anywhere. i said that it had only been a month and a half. for me thats not enough time to fall in love with someone, you have to get to know them completely. he said i was not like other girls hes dated. all of his previous girls have been kinda crazy and unstable and he gets his heartbroken every time, and he thought that he needed someone like me, someone sweet and level-headed who was more like him, but it just doesnt work for him. all his relationships have been turmultuous and for some reason that is the relationships he will always end up in. i said that i def thought of the fact that i was not at all like his previous girlfriends. i said that i didnt understand why he wanted those types of relationships because hes such a nice, good guy and that they will always end up bad, and he said he knew that and he couldnt explain it, and that he probably needs therapy for it. he said he would probably be content to keep hanging out with me the way we were, that he always had fun with me and liked getting to know me better but hes afraid hed hurt me in the future. he said that he doesnt know how long it will take him to be ready for a serious relationship because of how hurt he was by this girl, but that he doesnt do casual dating really. i said "you dont want a serious relationship but you dont want to casual date either?" and he said that he didnt know, he didnt know what he wanted really. he then said he'd hope we could still hang out and be friends and that i could always call him to talk or hang out or anything, but that he is leaving it entirely up to me since he doesnt know how i feel. he was very nice about it and handled it well, and said he felt awful for any hurt i might be feeling that that was never his intention. he held my hand and kissed my forehead a few times. i got upset and siad that i felt like i was a disappointment to him and he said that i knew that was not true, that im a great girl.

 

i am sooo bummed about this. because i was feeling so ready to let myself go completely and let myself fall for him, and i could have definitely saw a serious relationship with him. when we were together he definitely was super cute and flirty and would even say things making reference to us in the future, like "we should do this in the summer", he said things like that like a week before. and i dont understand the sudden change of heart, from being all cute and frisky the morning before. i feel like maybe something happened with his ex, i def dont think he would have cheated or anything but maybe they talked or something. i think hes soo not over her. why do nice guys want crazy relationships with crazy girls? if he had been more open to the possibility and let things happen and progress and been patient, i think we could have had something special, and i wouldnt have hurt him the way these girls will over and over again. because the attraction was certainly there. i guess we want different things, i want a boyfriend whose my best friend, he wants passion and turmoil, but that leads to heartache. and in my experience, boys need space and most boys would like keeping it cool and casual in the beginning. but with this guy, not at all. in fact, the casualness turned him away. i dont get it. he said that all of his serious relationships have been like instantaneous, like theyre together, in love, and practically living together instantly. thats strange to me. I almost wanted to say "and those didnt work out, did they?"

 

he was at this show i went to last night, ofcourse. i knew id be seeing him out a lot cause we run in the same social circle, but the night after? so i avoided him. i definitely dont have ill feelings and i really want his friendship. but it would have been too awkward to talk to him the very next day. he is such a great guy. it sucks so much. i know it was only a month, considerably less that my last boyfriend but it hurts because i was had so much hope with him.

 

next time i see him out im gonna tell him, no hard feelings, that we're better friends for it. hes definitely not a friend i want to lose. do you think its possible that dating someone briefly and things ended okay can make for a very good friendship? i want him to find what he wants, find someone to love, but i know hes just gonna end up with another crazy girl and he is such a good guy that he deserves so much better.

 

ugh, single once again. im so down. i feel like im never going to have what i had with my first love again. and i want it so bad. now that he (previous ex) and i are totally cool and quite good pals, he calls me sometimes to hang out. im happy that we're friends but at the same time, sometimes when im with him i feel overwhelming sadness because the intense connection we had before is just lost, we would never be able to get back what we had.

 

any thoughts on any of this? im so disappointed and sad right now. sorry its so long, just wanted to get it off my chest. if anyone could help me out or share similar experiences that would be nice.

[vickimonster]

hey there, sounds like you are having a tough time, you seem quite strong at the moment. I am sure you and this guy can go back to being good friends, just make sure you take some time out from one another to let your feelings settle down a bit. It sounds as though there are a lot of positives to be taken from this even though you feel quite bad at the moment. I mean at least he let you knkow how he felt early on and didn't string you along. And despite you recent heart ache you have been back out there dating again. Good for you! Remember, you tried it wasn't quite right, you will find someone!

[greenhorn]

I would suggest that in future if you find someone worth having a relationship then don't be in haste. Spend some days with the person, come close (obviously as a friend), this way you would know the person better and also assess whether he is also serious about entering into a relationship or not.

 

If it works out then well and good, if not then it would not hurt as you havenot built the expectation.

 

As a matter of fact, most of the pains are due to impractical plans and unrealistic expectations.

[nomoreofthat]

thanks for your replies!

vickimonster- thanks! i am doing okay, just pretty bummed out and super disappointed. i know that there someone out there for me. it just sucks when this didnt work out, because i am sooo weird when it comes to dating, in that i dont find myself attracted to very many people, not to the point of wanting a relationship with them. im not really picky, just weird.

greenhorn- the thing about this was that I wasnt in haste. i was totally giving him space, but also trying to make time for us when we could hang out and try to become closer. i certainly rushed nothing. except we did become pretty intimate quickly, but i felt okay with that because we were already good friends and i trusted him, and it just felt right. however, you are right about figuring out what we both want, if the other person is looking for something serious or not. he told me that we should have had a conversation about that when it first started (after the fact..). its hard to bring that up to a guy youve just started dating though, some are easily scared away.