Situasian's Situation

[Situasian]

So this is a really really long post but please try to read it and give me your point of view on the situation. Thanks in advance

I have recently just broke up with the love of my life after we had been together for 4 years and living with each other for most of it except for the last year.

 

I'll first explain our relationship first

We first met through an Australia dating site called RSVP and basically we both said we weren't looking anything serious than like they say it the movies boom love struck when you aren't looking for it. We moved in together after a few months of dating. However we had to move to another state soon after as she wanted to go back to school in her home town as she could obtain a better education and better chance at getting into university. Now at first I didn't know what to do because I've never been a relationship person however I told myself to really give this a try as I've never felt like this about anyone before. So we decided to move together so off we moved. She is 22 and I'm 29 however I never felt like ages was a problem for us and she agreed.

 

 

Obviously someone had to work whilst we rented a place out as I didn't feel comfortable living with her parents as I wanted our own space. I still had my job as an emergency services response officer and I worked a rotating shift. I work for 4 12 hour days - 2 day shifts and 2 night shifts and then I would have 5 days off however it was a 4 hour drive to get to work which means I would have to go to bed early the day before as I had to leave home by 230am in the morning to make the 7am day shift starts or leave by 230pm to get to work for my 7pm night shift starts. Now I didn’t have a problem doing this and I was happy doing this to provide for her as I felt like I knew she was the one. Now at the start of our relationship she was very caring and always made my meals etc for me whilst I was at work and since I was a horrible cook. I can say honestly I have never known a more genuinely caring person. One day when I got home she sprung on me that she got two baby cats and I was a bit shocked but she told me she needed them for company as she got lonely and sad when I was away so I accepted that and in time I grew to love these two cats (I was more a dog person but now I can't see myself not being around my two beautiful cats). So time passed on and like all couples we would fight etc but we would always work it out.

I have always been supportive of her and never got mad at her for allot of things people would. I always provided for her and whatever she wanted I would do my best to provide, however I have to admit because of the constant work load that I was doing I know I took her for granted and sometimes I got grumpy and I know that my romantic side died cause I was constantly tired but however I thought she understood cause she always talked about how hard I worked to provide for her and the cats. So as the year went on she finished school and we had to move into her parents house as the landlord found out we had the cats and we weren't allowed to have them and we both agreed there was no point in moving to a brand new place and signing a lease when we would only have 2-3 months left in her hometown before we moved back to the city we use to live in when we first met.

Now this is where things changed, when we moved into her parent’s house the dynamics changed. Her parents were wonderful I could not ask more of parents like hers, they are truly understanding and accepting and wonderful people but at the same time I felt like we didn’t have our own space and it took its toll as I felt more and more and more like I couldn’t express myself to her whilst under her parents roof. Then our fights started to get more and more intense and our arguments longer and more heated however we always managed to work things out. During this time however she decided to get a job since she finished school so she applied for a job at the local bar which she got. After a while of working there she started to act different just not as loving or caring as she use to be and she would always take her phone everywhere with her where before she would leave it lying around and she seemed like she was hiding it from me.

Anyway as time went on I started to get suspicious and my curiosity got the better of me and I had to know. She told me that she wasn't texting anyone or doing anything behind my back however one day I caught her, she was getting ready for work and she asked me to get her phone which I did but at that exact moment she got a text from a female work colleague(it wasn't really her colleague it was another guy who she saved under her work friends name so I wouldn’t catch her out) saying I can't wait to see you tonight, I miss you so much and I can't wait to see you, I miss you baby *. This shot me like an arrow through the heart, I went up to her and gave her the phone and I said its over I know you've been lying to me. She quickly realized what had happened and burst into tears and begged for me back and was just saying she would do whatever it takes and that she would stop talking to him etc.

Anyway she eventually convinced me to give her another chance, however I asked her why she did that and why she texted him, she explained to me that she thought I took her for granted and that she liked the attention she was getting from him and that he seemed to really pay attention to her rather than just wanting sex like I did. I told her I was sorry and that was my fault and that I’ll do my best to improve of this.

As further weeks went along we continued to on and off again with our arguments and there were times we broke up and then got back together. Eventually she got her university offers and even though she didn’t get the course she wanted she still got offered a good course at a university in the town we wanted to move to so we did that. However during this time I started to feel like she was up to something once again but lacking my better judgement we decided to move together to the city for her university studies. We moved and even though I thought everything was going fine she was constantly finding things to argue about and making excuses to get angry at me. I knew I loved her to death and I tried my best not to get her mad.

She then broke up with me telling me that there was no spark left in our relationship and that whilst she loved and cared about me so much she was no longer in love with me. However she only said that to me after I found out that she bought plane tickets to another city and booked accommodation also in that same place to visit the guy she was texting (even though she won't admit it and I knew that’s the reason she went because she knew no one in the city and he just recently moved there) as I called bull**** on her story as she told me she was going to stay home all weekend and study but I found the ticket details and also accommodation details. Now I found this out after I was already at work (which should have been my day off but we had bills to pay so I took an overtime shift) so basically she had booked a ticket to visit this person on my days I was working cause she knew I would not know about it as I would be staying at work for the 3 day shifts I worked and by the time I got home from my last day shift she would have been back home and acted like nothing happened. Obviously once I told her I knew what she was up to she told me she was running away cause she wasn't happy with her life at the moment and she said she was no longer in love with me but still loved and cared for me. obviously I told her to go to Sydney and take some time and do whatever she had to do to get her mind right.

Anyway I texted one of her close friends asking her why she would go to the city she booked the flights to and her friend told me that the guy she was texting behind my back had recently moved there and that’s the only reason why she could see that she went there. Now when my partner got back I told her that I knew that the guy she was texting lived in that city she visited and she denied it and told me he lived somewhere else when I knew it was a complete lie. She then told me she can't be with me any longer and told me to move out asap (which I ended up doing), I did what all guys would do in love I told her I can’t live without her and she’s my world etc basically begged and begged for another chance and that I could bring the spark back etc. However obviously she didn't and still told me to move out.

Anyway after 3 months of being apart with LC we decided to work things out (we were still going on dates together during those 3 months to reconnect), it was awesome and I couldn’t be happier. But as time went on my work load got worse and worse but even with us moving closer to work I found working the long hours tiring and I would come home exhausted and tired like before.

I tried my best to make sure she knew that I still cared about her and such but overtime it got harder and harder as I found I was just too tired. After a few months of being back together (this including me moving back in with her) she suggested that her cousin move in with us, as she was having trouble finding work where she was living etc. At first I really didn’t want her to move in with us because it was only a 2 bedroom apartment and also we had two cats and I felt that the place would be over crowded. However she made a good point to me saying that if her cousin moved in then she wouldn’t be so lonely and bored all the time whilst I was away and she was home alone so in the end I agreed to let her move in as I felt this would make my partner happy.

Now I never really liked the cousin as I felt she was one of those girls that were always negative about other people’s relationship because she couldn’t hold down a relationship herself. So at the start of her moving in you could sort of feel the tension. However I tried my best to keep it to myself. Over time I think I might have develop depression especially with allot of things happening at work then me not being comfortable at home. Now I’m not trying to blame what happened next on depression but I think it could have helped it along.

Now after awhile of feeling low etc I kept to myself and when I got home from work etc I was usually grumpy or just wanted to be alone so I hid in our bedroom playing the PS4 whilst my partner and her cousin were out in the lounge or hung out and did stuff. Over time I guess it finally got to her cause last week she told me she couldn’t do it anymore, that she started to resent me because I didn’t seem to appreciate her anymore and that I never wanted to hang out with her anymore etc and that she wanted me to move out and break up.

As per usual with any guy getting dumped I begged and pleaded for another chance however she wouldn’t have a bar of it which is understandable, however I soon learned from my next door neighbour that her cousin had been in her ear and bad mouthing me behind my back saying that she could do better etc and that I was an ass and always grumpy and whilst I was away at work for nightshift she would take my partner out without me knowing. Now I didn’t mind my partner going out and always gave her freedom, I even use to give her lifts out to go clubbing and to parties and picked her up also. I honestly thought I was a good partner to her as I always provided for her when she wanted something and she even told everyone who knew us that if she was going to settle down and marry anyone it would be me. She even was hinting at getting me to propose by taking me to ring shops and having a look at rings etc.

I eventually talk to my partner and told her I think I had depression and was trying to go see a counsellor and try to get over it and improve our relationship. She seemed not to care and sort of ignored what I was saying however she said she still loved me but was over putting so much effort into the relationship and was tired of trying.

Now I told her I would change and she said that she’s heard it all before and was insisting I move and then we could try to date again but she needed some time to just really think about things. Anyway I had work 2 days after she broke up with me so I went to work and was definitely pestering her with messages asking if she still wanted to try etc but obviously she said she needed time to think and I sort of tried to make her give me an straight answer because I told her it was unfair to keep stringing me along if she didn’t think it could work so I guess I was pushing for an answer to which she replied look I need more time but your pressuring me so I’m just going to say no.

Obviously I was heartbroken and did everything I could to make her see that I would change and I did everything you shouldn’t e.g. messaging her constantly.

I ended moving out and getting my own place and we eventually worked things out and got back together pretty much the same way we did last time via LC. Now last November on my birthday my partner had organised a surprise party and that was a massive surprise because I told her I never had a party before anyway that same night I caught her texting someone else and I confronted her about it. She then immediately got defensive and started to get angry and told me he was just a friend. I then asked to see the messages and she refused she then turned violent and started punching me in the face. I then pushed her away and she fell over and then accused me of hitting her which I didn’t. Anyway the next day she said it was over and got her stuff from my house. I then did NC for a week and then she message me asking if she could come see me and wanted to see if we could repair our relationship. She then came over and stayed the night.

The next day she left and didn't message me for a few days. She then texted me and said it’s over for good and I obviously begged and pleaded but she still said no. Anyway I said to her I needed time and not to contact me and I left to visit family on the other side of the country. She then kept on messaging me every few days asking if I was ok and I messaged her back only a few texts nothing more. I then got back from my trip and she texted me saying she wanted to see me so I went over and I stayed the night and we had sex. This was just before New Year’s Eve she then text me for New Year saying happy New Year and she misses me. I then texted her and said I can't do this anymore and to leave me alone. She then texted back saying ok fine but do you still want anything to do with our two cats. I replied saying look I dunno what I want atm. We then discussed it further and she said this to me I don’t love you anymore I’m sorry but it really is over! I’d still love to have you as a friend in my life because I obviously still care for you but I just don’t love you anymore. I know this is hard for you but I wasn’t happy being with you and we both just wanted different things! The different things she was talking about was that she wanted to go to Europe this year whilst I was planning to go to the U.S. with my friends. I then message her back saying that night when we had the fight I actually decided I wanted to go with her to Europe because of the effort she put in for my party. I then said maybe we should spend a day or two together and act as a couple again and then after that we go our separate ways so that way we can leave on good terms which she agreed to. Anyway after this occurred she kept on messaging me asking how I was etc and I would reply now and then.

Well the other week it was the Super bowl and she knew I was going to my local gridirons club Super bowl party so she ended up rocking up there. She had been previously pretty cold with the texts to me lately and never messaged like she use to before. I was also looking after our cats for the week hence why she came around to the party so she would come get them. Anyway she told me she started seeing someone else but wasn’t sure how serious it was going to be and low and behold his name was the same guys name (which isn’t even a common name) that I caught her messaging on my birthday. She then proceeded to tell me that it was a different guy with the same name (yeah right), anyway we ended having sex and she told me she still wanted to see me as well which I didn’t given an answer to. She then left with the cats and then texted me indicating she needed me to look after the cats when she went on holiday in a few weeks. I didn’t answer back and the next day I woke up with a message from her calling me all sorts of names explaining to me that she got told I was talking about her behind my back and I explained I wasn’t etc, she then didn’t text me back and I thought stuff it and blocked her number and wanted to go ignore her for a while. She then called me this Monday trying to get a hold of me due to her wanting me to look after the cats and she figured out I blocked her number. She left me a few voicemails indicating how immature I was being and that she will be around on the Wednesday to drop the cats off regardless if I am home or not. I then changed the locks to my house because I couldn’t remember if she had a spare key or not. She then came over on the Wednesday and figured I changed the locks and tried to call me numerous times but couldn’t get a hold of me since I blocked her number. I received numerous voicemails from her saying she was at my house and I needed to come home ASAP so I could get the cats. The last voicemail was of her yelling at me saying she hates me and everything about me and not to contact her ever again. I was really hurt about this as she has never said anything like that before me so I ended up unblocking her number the next day and sent her this message saying “Look Jess this whole situation/scenario could and should have been avoided. All of it could be avoided if you were honest and communicated with me properly; this all started the night of my birthday party. You said you were just messaging a mate which I can understand but when I asked if I could see the message, you declined, if you didn't and just showed me we wouldn't even be in this situation. You could say you didn't have to show me and I should have trusted you and I would of any other time but it was past 12 at night and the way you reacted made me suspicious. Then when we actually talked about it you said you didn't love me anymore and weren't happy. Well you’re a liar then because earlier that same day of my surprise party you said you loved me and couldn't wait to get engaged so either you were lying then or you were lying when you said you didn't love me etc. Another issue you said we had was we wanted different things, like I said I knew you wanted to go to Europe and do tomorrow land etc and whilst I really wanted to go to the U.S. But however I decided that night that I was going to go to Europe with you because of the effort you put in for my surprise. We could of had it all Jess honestly, we could of been that couple everyone was jealous about, we could of had the life you and I always wanted and dreamed of if you just waited till the end of this year we could of travelled the world together and made memories, eventually buy a house together and have family together. Everything you wanted to do/have we could of had but you through it all away because you didn't want to communicate. You had a guy who would of done anything for you to make you happy. I would of give you the shirt off my back to provide for you and keep you happy. I thought I proved that every day I went to work when we lived in Mount Gambier and I went to work to make sure you didn't have to worry about anything but to study. I loved you with all my heart and even though I was at fault sometimes as well I always promise you I wouldn't give up because we both had a dream together and I knew it could be done. I'm not a perfect person and I know you’re not either but you lost someone who would of died for you and who wouldn't ever stop loving you but all you had to do was communicate with me more but you never did and this is how we ended up here, I just wish you could see that.”

I haven’t heard back from her since and I’m glad she is going on holidays for two week which means I have no way of contacting her. I feel terribly guilty about not looking after the cats but felt like I needed to stand up for myself as I am usually the one doing what she wants me to do etc. I just want to know what peoples thoughts are on the situation and if I did the right thing and do you think it’s possible that I could get her back again and if I even should have sent that last sms. Thanks for reading this long story.

[mightycpa]

She's 22? Age has now officially become a problem for you.

[Situasian]

Are you talking about she's young and doesn't know what she wants? It's funny cause I've been in relationships when I was younger and in a way controlling in those relationships and learnt from my mistakes in those relationships. So this time around I gave her all the freedom in the world and that has seemed to backfired as well lol