guynextdoor Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Hi everyone this Is my first time posting on this site, i'm just stuck right now and have never been in this position before and don't know what to do. It started the other day when I was on my gf's facebook and seen a message she forgot to delete. Anyway I downloaded all of her fb history thinking it would tell me everything she has ever said to other guys. As I downloaded the file she breaks in to hysteria asking me not to look and she will tell me everything she has said. I said this wasn't good enough and started to pack my bags, I gave her the option that I either look at the file or we break up and she wouldn't give me an answer. She then promised me she was telling the truth, that she only messaged one old friend and that's all it was, I begged her to tell me everything then (and maybe we could try to fix thing) and she promised it was just one guy and it never went any further than messages. I ask her anyway to leave me her passwords for every e-mail account she has, also fb and anything else. I get up in the morning to find she gave me nothing and left for work. When she gets back it goes straight into an argument again, with me this time I open the chat history file, with her breaking into hysteria again she now says that she has been messaging other men also, not only that she has talked about meeting up with them, having sex with them, slagging me off to them. And even one of them she actually met up with twice, she has promised she ahs never done anything and offering to take a lie detector test, Really I have came here as I don't know what to do anymore, this is the girl I love and have a child with, but I don't trust her anymore, I don't believe her anymore when she says she has not cheated, I just don't believe anything she says anymore. Every time I look at her the pain is to much and I find my-self slipping deeper into depression. Has anyone else had a similar experience to me? what did you do next? i.e. repair the relationship, have a break, end the relationship. What can be done to regain the trust and for me to believe that she didn't cheat? All that is going through my mind is that she actually met up with one of them, and she probably at least kissed him. Am I best now to just walk away from the relationship to stop anymore hurt? Thanks From theguynextdoor
Ruby65 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 To me, it seems pretty clear that she's been cheating -- not just with one guy, but probably with many of the guys she's been messsaging and for longer than she's willing to admit. Cheaters will usually cop to a lesser crime to convince you of their innocence. How do you convince yourself she hasn't been unfaithful? It would be much easier if it was the truth, sorry to say... I've been cheated on and I know the intensity of the pain involved. I wouldn't say a break can "fix" that, although some distance would probably help you sort things out a lot right now. Because there's a child involved, you might want to consider couples counselling to get to the root issue of why she's feeling the need to look elsewhere for validation, but I honestly think you're talking about a serial cheater here and that there's not going to be a happy ending with her even if you do find a way to live with what she's done and forgive her for it. Best of luck to you. You sound like a good guy who didn't deserve what happened.
erklat Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) You solve that problem by increasing your skill on not giving a fnck. I even encourage her sometimes to text with other people she may communicated before me as I said that I understand that my validation sometimes might lack. And she knows that my not giving a fnck is genuine. The idea of going into her fakebook messages never came to my mind. And since she's encouraged, she maybe looses interest in doing so. For most people a bit of flirting now and then is enough. As a result we have a great communication. Even as we argue our tones are leveled and we never loose cool. We are also having a baby. I was once your type. But it takes a lot of hard work to reach the state of self love where you know that your partner can never be stupid enough as you can genuinely not care. Edited February 14, 2015 by erklat 1
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Breaks are silly. They are test driving a break up. Especially in this case, don't bother. She has one foot out the door & you don't trust her. The fact that you demanded all of her passwords, doesn't sit well with me at all. Nobody gets my passwords. However I am also not doing anything behind my husband's back. Anyway, for the sake of your child you need this to be civil because you have the kid's best interests to contend with. Break up. Consult a lawyer. Work out child support & custody & leave her to carry on with whatever men she choses. 2
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) There are only two legitimate reasons to take a 'break'. one is to go to your separate corners in the midst of a blow up so the dust can settle and people can settle down and collect their thoughts and get a grip so they don't say or do something that will make the situation worse. In that type of separation, clear ground rules and parameters need to be set so there is a mutual understanding of expectations, such as when frank discussions will resume, is it ok to date others or will that be considered cheating/deal breaker etc etc. The other purpose of a break is to begin the break up process and start to live without the other person and begin to build a life as a single person while still working out some of the legal, financial and parenting roles while the disengagement of the relationship is taking place. In that instance too, people need to have a clear understanding of what the separation is about and what it's objectives and boundaries are. Those are the legitimate reasons for a break. More often than not, however, when someone says they want a break, it is so they can see someone else and see where that goes while they keep the other person hanging on and keeps them as a back up in case things don't work out with the other person. Edited February 14, 2015 by oldshirt
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 If this was just some chick you were dating, I would say to save yourself the headaches and just walk away and go on about your business. But since there is a child involved, I think your best course of action is to seek professional couples therapy/counseling and peel back the many layers and see what is going on and if anything can be done to correct it. Perhaps it's your choice of verbage and writing style, but I kind of agree with Donnivan in that your demands for passwords etc sounds very heavy-handed and borderline abusive. There may be more dysfunction and issues with the relationship than is meeting the eye here. this may require professional counseling to work out either continuing functional relationship, or a peaceful and cooperative break up with healthy coparenting.
JonjMie Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 My first wife did this before the days of Facebook and I found out through a text message. She had had sex with lots of different men and in the end after lots of tears I asked her to leave, I couldnt ever trust her again. She moved to Australia and I saw her 20 years later last january when she was back for her dads funeral. She admitted she cheats on her current husband. Lucky escape although I was devastated.
mightycpa Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Her hysterical reaction to your discoveries says it all. The only way to salvage this relationship is to get her to calmly lay it out on the table, to see if you can live with it, and to see if she genuinely wants to stop. She's doing this virtually and/or physically for a reason. The reason might have something to do with you, it might be a self-perception thing that you unwittingly feed, or it might just be wanderlust. You have to get to the bottom of that, and accusations and tears won't help her come clean about it. A break is not what you need right now. Right now, you either need some real honest communication, or you need to break up. If it wasn't for your kid, I'd say why bother?
bohica Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) Breaks only work if all issues, problems and hang ups are resolved. Whether it's a personal problem or something to do with the relationship. It doesn't matter if it's 7 days or 7 years. If you come back and all or any of that stuff is still there then it's becomes a vicious unhealthy cycle. That said, they do work. I get you. You love this girl and she has cheated on you. I would never stick around because not only do I not deserve that kind of disrespect but neither does the relationship. Yes, the relationship. I give you part of me because you somehow proven you deserve it. You cheat you take that away. On the other hand. You seem like you a have a pretty strong personality. Your looking at her facebook page. Demanding her passwords to all her accounts, etc...etc... She's crying hysterical. Are you yelling at her ? If this is any indication, and I don't know you, of how you are in general in the relationship then she might be looking elsewhere for the things that she needs. I don't know many women myself who would give any of that stuff over. They would think I was nuts just for asking. Even if they were cheating. You don't have any right to that information and you should not be 'demanding' it. Edited February 14, 2015 by bohica
Holmes85 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Do Breaks Work Breaks work for the best in sports, when the players are tired and exhausted, it's time for a break to refresh themselves and get their mind back in the game. Even those breaks last for an hour or two. Breaks also work when you have a full time job, 20-30 minutes of break to get your mind together, if you feel burned out from work, you take a vacation for a week or two to cool yourself off. Breaks also work if you are a student and need to get your mind off from studies for a while, usually holidays from schools / university for a month or two get the job done quite nicely. Now if you are a relationship and your partner wants a break that's a completely different story and 98% of the times it means it's over, the 2% when it isn't over is because they haven't found your replacement yet.
High_hopes Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Breaks work for the best in sports, when the players are tired and exhausted, it's time for a break to refresh themselves and get their mind back in the game. Even those breaks last for an hour or two. Breaks also work when you have a full time job, 20-30 minutes of break to get your mind together, if you feel burned out from work, you take a vacation for a week or two to cool yourself off. Breaks also work if you are a student and need to get your mind off from studies for a while, usually holidays from schools / university for a month or two get the job done quite nicely. Now if you are a relationship and your partner wants a break that's a completely different story and 98% of the times it means it's over, the 2% when it isn't over is because they haven't found your replacement yet. Sorry man.. Hate to do this. I just responded to another one of your posts. I have to disagree again. Every relationship is different. There are so many reasons why people may not be getting along. Personal issues, money issues, family issues, sex issues, psychological issues, on and on and on.....that can go away. It isn't always cut and dry or just based on lack of attraction or chemistry. If a relationship is new and someone says they need a break then sure look out, it's probably done but when you've been in a long term relationship it can be much more complex. Like I said, I think breaks are possible depending on the situation AND as long as all those issues or problems have been resolved. People break up for years and get back together the same way. Get rid of your junk, resolve your personal issues because they are getting in the way then we can have a go at it.
Mi7522 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I've been on a break for 5 months, I think it safe to say breaks work to help you move on to someone new
High_hopes Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I've been on a break for 5 months, I think it safe to say breaks work to help you move on to someone new That is safe to say.....
lolablue17 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) I don't believe in breaks. If someone needs space, he\she can have it IN THE RELATIONSHIP! Your problem has nothing to do with needing space. Your girlfriend has cheated on you multiple times, as she admitted. The (important) issue "did she sleep with them or not?" is irrelevant. She was messaging them behind your back, met them behind your back - That's cheating. I can see that you're a reasonable man, and you can even forgive and reconcile. But the first and most crucial condition for reconciliation is full exposure, transparency, and telling the truth. She's proved to you that she is a serial liar. When you caught her, instead of thinking about how to fix everything, she only tried to get away with minimum consequences. This is a way liars think. You got the trickle truth... trickle truth = lies. her dishonesty is not something that can be repaired with a break. It can be repaired only if she takes full responsibility for her actions, and show full commitment to repair from her heart. But you got everything but commitment. Full commitment is if she has told you by her own initiation. not after you catch her. Full commitment is if she got caught, she must have shown a real regret and remorse. But she's working full time on damage control, not remorse. I'm so sorry for you. I think that the chance for her to be faithful and truthful with you in the future, are almost zero. I'm so sorry... Edited February 14, 2015 by lolablue17
Elle1975 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 she has promised she ahs never done anything and offering to take a lie detector test That's a good one.. I am not sure how it can be fixed. You have a child, I'd keep that in mind (she really should have..) If it wasn't for your kid, I would say kick her out. I personally think that if you can gain perspective from strangers on the internet, you probably should seek help from a marriage counselor. As for your question, I believe most breaks are just break ups, unless the two parties really want to make it work.
Holmes85 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Sorry man.. Hate to do this. I just responded to another one of your posts. I have to disagree again. Every relationship is different. There are so many reasons why people may not be getting along. Personal issues, money issues, family issues, sex issues, psychological issues, on and on and on.....that can go away. It isn't always cut and dry or just based on lack of attraction or chemistry. If a relationship is new and someone says they need a break then sure look out, it's probably done but when you've been in a long term relationship it can be much more complex. Like I said, I think breaks are possible depending on the situation AND as long as all those issues or problems have been resolved. People break up for years and get back together the same way. Get rid of your junk, resolve your personal issues because they are getting in the way then we can have a go at it. Mr. High_Hopes, You might be 45 years old, but you are a couple of years behind when it comes to understanding the situation and facing the reality. When someone decides to end a relationship with you (doesn't matter which reason) it simply means they no longer want to be with you. If the story is that unique and different with lots of factors as you mentioned above, then let me ask you this, why is the end result the same? Let me answer this, it's not as unique and different as you thought it was. You also mention "People break up for years and get back together the same way", let me ask you this, who have YOU gotten back together with succesfully? No seriously who? (and I don't mean as friends). I have read your threads and let me answer this for you, NONE. Furthermore did you even bother to read the post in this thread? Do you have any idea what this guy is going through? He's in a emotional turmoil and you are offering him horrible advice. You are saying their are X factors / issues (which you listed above) that why they broke up with you (lowering his self esteem fruther in thinking it might be one of those that he lacks something), forgetting the fact she's cheating on him, we can debate which is worse, emotional or physcial cheating, but let me assure you, they both have the same effect on a person. You can disagree with everything that I am saying, but you can't change the reality.
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