Reject22 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) I have been together with my gf for the past 3 1/2 years.... when I first met her I explained that all I want is honesty and commitment...I said if she gains feelings for another just break up with me and I wouldnt be upset. I have NEVER cheated in my life because I find it a horrible betrayal. When its so hard to trust others its wrong when the one thats closest is the one to break it. She is a very beautiful girl and for the first few weeks very shy, passionate and loving. I was in heaven... someone as amazing as her to share my life with and the sex life was unbeatable. I work 6days a week and have to take care of my mother&family often.. it was at the 2 month mark she came forward and confessed to sleeping with a guy at her friends house....hearing that hurt...really bad.. I truely trusted her and was blind to what she was doing behind my back....yeah it wasnt only once. There was 4 cheatings that she confessed and im sure others that she was afraid to admit... I didnt hate her for this...it was a bad habit of hers which I knew came from her self esteem problems and the horrible living situation she was in. Her moms bf was a scumbag that would harrass her daily and her mom&dad were never there for her for anything...she slept on a couch and rarely ate anything besides ramen.. I was blunt and told her it would take years for me to trust her again but if she wants to stay together and prove to me that people can change I was willing to commit the last of my heart to the relationship. I asked if she would like to live at mine until she was out of college so she would be in a better environment. A few months later I found out that I was hsv2 positive and it was from when she had cheated on me.. I have had std screenings after every partner my entire life...its a sign of respect and a moral of mine. She didnt know that she had it because she had only 1 screening her entire life. As grim as it was I was hardly bothered by this.. it isn't a death sentence. I had a beautiful girlfriend, a job, and positive dreams for the future with her. If I was single things would have been different. Im not a sterotypical prettyboy or anything close, I rather be intelligent, caring, and sociable than worry about how others see me... and having a partner who honestly finds you attractive, sexy, handsome is all I cared about. It helped me rid by brain of that media influenced bull**** of what attractive should be. Things were great for awhile till around a year ago. She began showing her true colors and disconnecting herself/drifting away. She gained a horrible temper, verbally abusive, lazy, no sexdrive, and told me she isnt attracted to me anymore. Hahaha I should have seen it coming but my head was in the clouds and when I commit my heart I tend to be blind to things that would normally be obvious to me. I thought we could fight through the darkness but I was wrong...again. I kept daydreaming about the relationship we used to have, how amazing she made me feel and how she used to care. Now after taking care of her for years, forgiving her, believing in her, loving her and helping her when she needed it... I am shown that Im not worth it to her and that she never actually loved me so I just commited everything and forgiving her again was pointless. So now I am choosing to be alone. Everytime I am hurt by another, betrayed, used...it makes me a colder person...bitter...depressed.. it becomes harder to open up or trust, and without those it isnt real love to me. I rather dedicate the rest of my life to the pursuit of knowledge. I'm in my late 20s so hoping to find love again would be nothing but a negative influence on my life. Just the thought of having to tell someone youve grown close to that you have hsv2 makes me depressed but I would have to because lying would be morally wrong. After every breakup I always wonder if I will find someone special again and usual believe I will. This time I hope I never do and fear it. Being a respectful, honest, loving, responsible boyfriend has gotten me nowhere...so before I become a badguy, become something Im not and reflect this pain Im in onto someone else that doesnt deserve it...I rather give up on the idea of love, soulmates or commiting my heart to anyone besides what family I have left, knowledge and my hobbies/passions/talents.. I will miss that heartwarming feeling that only certain love brought... Edited February 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Downtown Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 There was 4 cheatings.... I didn't hate her for this...it was a bad habit of hers.No, Reject, it is not a "bad habit." Normal people do not develop habits such as serial cheating and a horrible temper. Rather, the behaviors you are describing -- serial cheating, "horrible temper," "verbally abusive," lack of impulse control, and the rapid flip between adoring you to devaluing you -- are warning signs for a personality disorder (PD) such as BPD (Borderline PD), Histrionic PD, narcissism, or sociopathy. I rather give up on the idea of love, soulmates or commiting my heart to anyone.Certainly, that's one solution. Yet, instead of giving up on all women, it makes more sense to learn how to identify the warning signs for those having strong traits of a PD. Of course, you won't be able to diagnose any of them. You nonetheless are capable of spotting warning signs when they occur because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as serial cheating, verbal abuse, and lack of impulse control. I therefore suggest you take a look at the warning signs for the PDs I mentioned above. An easy place to start is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find that most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in GoBroncs' Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Reject.
Recommended Posts