Should I end my 7yr relationship

[Jersey_girl1]

Hi, I am stuck and would appreciate some advice :-(

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years..We are both 30 this year. At the beginning of our relationship he was quite immature and uncaring, he didn't want sex as much as I did for some reason so I guess he didn't want me as much, and he just wanted to hang out with his friends and only wanted to see each other every couple of weeks. I should have ended it then, but I didn't as I really loved him and hoped he would change, and I was kind of down at the time too. This went on for maybe 2/3 years. Eventually, I moved up north for work, thinking I would leave him, and he followed me, and committed to me properly and we have lived together now for 4 years. He is a very loving and kind boyfriend, so different, maybe a bit lazy but in general he takes care of me, tells me that he loves me everyday.

I should have been happy, and I was, but for a year and a half now, Ive just felt something's not right. I hate discussing the future and we kind of want different things. I don't want to get married or have kids, (although I can't say if I will in the future). I became much more satisfied with my life, but his life changed too and he is now a bit down, so things have kind of swapped. I stopped wanting to have sex with him, when we do it it's fine, but I don't really want to, although I do want it with other guys. I find him attractive, but I never want to jump his bones, but he wants me all the time. We are both away a lot for work and when I am I don't really miss him like I should. If I think of him cheating on me, I don't really feel much about it, although I'm pretty sure he hasn't ever, so who knows if I would be upset if it came down to it. When we are together for too long, I start to get irritable with him.

I've been having feelings for someone else too who likes me, but I haven't acted on it, though I really like this other guy. I know it's natural to have attractions to others, but this crush has been going on for months. I've never cheated though, although I have strong morals about this, I've been really finding it harder and harder recently.

I feel terrible for even feeling this way, I just want to want him again but I don't know how. I would be a fool to end it. He's a good person and we always laugh together, like best friends, and we like all the same things.

Can this relationship be saved? Is the sex thing and the fancying someone else something that can be overcome? We have talked about the kids thing, and are aware it might break us up in the future, but we will wait for that. But I don't want to waste his time if I have these feelings. I don't think I could tell him some of these things as I think he would end it. Should I suggest a break? I feel guilty and feel like I can't talk to people about this, as he's done nothing to deserve it.

[Kevin_D]

Don't worry - You're not alone:

 

The seven-year itch - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

My ex left me after seven years as well... to pursue a relationship with another dude. She always talked about how much she hated cheating, but yet, she emotionally cheated on me, just like you emotionally cheat on your boyfriend. If you cared about him the slightest, you would tell the new dude that you have a boyfriend and that he needs to respect that.

 

And by the they, it doesn't matter that your boyfriend was immature in the beginning. You chose to stay with him and he has improved since then. Seems like you just want to rationalize your immoral behavior.

Edited February 14, 2015 by Kevin_D

[towardthefuture]

You should at the very least give your boyfriend a heads up on how you're feeling, maybe try couples counseling. That is if you're serious at all about saving this relationship.

[NJ123]

While it's your right to break up with him, it's pretty harsh to do what you're doing to him while still with him. Don't waste any more of his time since it's obvious you don't care about him anymore. You even said you probably wouldn't even care if he cheated on you. What else needs to be said?

[Seeker12]

You are either hit by grass in greener on the other side syndrome, which is never really true, or you really are done with this relationship. I think be open and honest with yourself and him, its very clear that you have switched off the relationship and are finding reasons to make him/the relationship look like a dead-end, thus theres only one real thing left to do, quit the relationship, as this will lead to more heartbreak the longer you keep it going, and everyone here knows how that feels.

[No Limit]

Break up with him and pursue new guy. Happy end. Maybe.

[Ralph79]

@Jersey_girl1:

 

I think the problem is that you've basically "conquered" your BF.

 

You were desperate for his love and attention. And there was no reason for you to stay in a relationship that was unsatisfactory to you. But maybe through mind games or manipulation, you, little by little, managed to change him into the man you wanted him to be. You have him eating out of your hand now.

 

You are ready to move on. You've been ready for years because your BF no longer can provide any new experiences or challenges for you. But this new guy is fresh meat. Thus his appeal.

 

I think that in the process of conquering your BF he lost his individuality. And unfortunately I don't think anything other than heartbreak or a damn good counselor is going to help him get it back.

 

I say this in hopes that you don't make the same mistake with the new guy when you inevitably end up going to him.

[ManyDissapoint]

Sounds like you are perfectly willing to let your relationship stagnate while your boyfriend is none the wiser.

 

Truth is you have a biological imperative to try out more men, and you are looking to rationalize that.

 

He's stuck by your side and moved for you. Even though he may not know it, he's suffering at the moment from your decreased affection and interest in him. And yet he's sticking by your side. What does that tell you? You are thirty and many of the men that are older than you are interested in younger women.

 

Tread carefully because this man sounds like he loves you and has proved that through his actions. There will very likely not be any going back.

[Kinetica84]

I think you have swapped positions in the relationship.

 

Now he is giving you the attention you have craved, it is like you have achieved your goal and you're thinking "now what?"

 

I think you got a good guy here who is fighting hard for you. You are now at the point "oh bored now and cannot be bothered to put the maintenance required to maintain a relationship"

 

As stated above, you are 30 and there are many older men out there going for younger women. Not for meaningful relationship, it is more a quick bang.

 

You need step back, realise how good you got it and cherrish what you have in front of you. May be stop thinking "the grass is greener on the other side" and water the grass you're already on to make it greener.

 

It sounds like you're the one who has stopped putting the effort in. Trust me this will carry over into your next relationship should you choose to go if you don't change your thought process.

 

It seems to me enjoy the chase more than the destination which is a downward spiral and it will get worse as you get old.

 

Sorry for the blunt response but i have been on the receiving of something like this and i really do not like when people do not put in the effort required.

 

I hope you sort this soon, but i am telling you now, this new guy won't be able to for fill your needs any more than your current boyfriend can unless you change your perspective and outlook.

[mightycpa]

This caught my eye:

 

for a year and a half now,

-- Ive just felt something's not right.

-- we kind of want different things.

-- I don't want to get married

-- or have kids,

-- I became much more satisfied with my life

-- I stopped wanting to have sex with him

-- although I do want it with other guys.

-- I never want to jump his bones

-- when I am (away) I don't really miss him

-- If I think of him cheating ... I don't really feel much

-- When we are together for too long, I start to get irritable

-- I've been having feelings for someone else

-- I really like this other guy.

-- this crush has been going on for months.

I measure all that against this other thing you said:

 

We have talked about the kids thing, and are aware it might break us up in the future, but we will wait for that.

I think maybe that the future is now. He's not getting any younger either. Edited February 14, 2015 by mightycpa

[Jersey_girl1]

Thank you for your advice everyone. It's been tough to read and accept your comments.

In reply, I didn't mean to write the first part as a justification for what I'm doing, I just thought maybe it was a relevant part of the story. I have completely forgiven all that.

With this other guy, I don't know if you would call it emotional cheating. We don't text much or meet alone. I'm just aware that he likes me, and I think about him, and seeing him isn't something I can avoid. It's more the fact that I think about him and have a crush on someone else that I wanted to get across. There's been no talk between us of me leaving my boyfriend for him.

I know what you mean about the grass being greener, I'm smart enough to know that if we break up,I should be alone for a while and not run off to someone else. I think we have switched around and I have more power in the relationship, but I haven't manipulated that to happen, it's just been our circumstances, like jobs, friends being around, general happiness.

I am going to tell my boyfriend how I feel and try to put the other guy out of my mind. What I really wanted to know was, can this be fixed? Maybe we can fix it together, if not, I'm very aware the he needs time to find someone else that he can have a family with.

[Cedar27]

People in this society are way too quick to throw in the towel. Relationships hit ruts. They aren't all full of rainbows and sunshine every day. They take lots and lots of HARD WORK. Selfishness and unrealistic expectations are the downfall of many relationships.

 

Honeymoon periods end and comfortability sets in. One of the reasons our divorce rate is so high is because once things don't feel "the same" they throw in the towel and are convinced something better is out there. Then they jump into a new relationship and once that honeymoon period ends it's just the same cycle.

 

I don't know of any relationship on this planet where things don't become routine and ordinary after you settle in together. That's normal, but people act like its a red flag. The test of a healthy relationship is how well the two partners communicate and identify the rut, and work together to get the relationship exciting again. The answer to this problem is not to go after the next shiny thing that crosses your path. So, what have you done to keep the spark alive? Have you been expressive to him about your feelings and thoughts?

 

I suggest you go to a relationship counselor with your current boyfriend ASAP, open up about your concerns and come clean about the emotional affair you are having. Yes, it is an emotional affair. You have feelings for another man who you not only have contact with, but you are aware that HE likes you too. This is all being kept secret and hidden from your current bf. If you cared more about the relationship, you would have cut this other guy out of your life in a heartbeat and never spoken to him again because he is a THREAT to the trust and health of your relationship. But you didn't, so it is absolutely 100% emotional cheating.

 

You've invested seven years in this thing. Again, see a qualified relationship counselor who's philosophy is to try and keep relationships alive. If you are going to end it at least you can say you tried everything possible to make it work before calling it quits.

Edited February 15, 2015 by Cedar27