Josmatjes Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Has anyone ever thought to see if their spouse would agree to an open marriage? And if they r in one, how does it work?
Author Josmatjes Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Yeah I couldn't do that... 1
jbrent890 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I don't want this to sound mean but in your case it wouldn't work. Open marriages only work if everything else in the marriage is near perfect. They are used to enhance the marriage. They fail completely for people who want to use them to fill a void, which is what I think you want to do. Jos, it doesn't really sound like you are getting over your affair.
Sassy Girl Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I asked for it when we had serious intimacy issues surrounding his ED. He had no intention of getting help, of improving our sex life or changing things. So I asked for an open marriage. He shot me down.
ascendotum Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I asked for it when we had serious intimacy issues surrounding his ED. He had no intention of getting help, of improving our sex life or changing things. So I asked for an open marriage. He shot me down. This is another situation where an open marriage may not be ideal because there will be an imbalance in the benefits. The motivation behind wanting to have an open marriage by the spouse who is not satisfied with a crappy sex life, I totally understand, but I also understand the risk from the other spouse's perspective. If they are not satisfying their partner sexually then there is good chance their partner will have lost some of the love for them and also maybe resent them to a degree, so you really wouldn't want them to be getting sexed up by others let alone someone better looking or more skilled in the bedroom or seduction. IF the love bond was really strong it could be done (by some couples), but I think it would be risky for the partner (the one with low libido) to agree to it if there was some sort of level of resentment and they had no say in who their spouse could sleep with & how often. Not how sure this would happen and in how many cases it split the couple up or worked to keep them together.
Friskyone4u Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 If you went to a responsible swingers or polyamory group or did some reading , you probably would learn that the general rule of thumb is that open relationships, contrary to popular thinking , do not enhance troubled relationships. The most frequent result is any cracks in the existing marriage will be worsened or surface. And open relationships have some of the same problems as monogamous relationships, namely broken boundaries and he's cheating. One of the bibles of open relationships is an ok called "Opening Up" by Tristan ? ( can't remember last name). It goes into detail about all types of open relationships and pros and cons and questions to ask. One thing your husband or partner better understand is that in all forms of open relatinships, all of the power is with the women. The book will explain that. It's easy to figure out why. Most men will not care a hoot that you are married if you meet somewhere and want to have sex with them. At the same time, most women will not. Talk to your husband for five minutes once they find out he is married. So bottom line is you will have much more opportunity in any forum. You both better be on board 100%. If you have this discussion to justify an ongoing affair or already have someone you are interested in, you would be jumping the gun. But that is what a lot of people do.
preraph Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 An old bf of mine married this nutty woman who'd been pursuing him while he was still married before, and I found out from someone who'd been to her website that there was mention of them being in a swinger's club. She wasn't attractive, so I guess that's some indication of what kind of people go the swinger route. In fact, she physically looks just batsh*t crazy. I know that's hard to fathom, but I've got pictures to prove it. It's like Baby Jane or something. I sort of counted my lucky stars I didn't stay with him and end up getting drug into something, but I'd have taken one look at the participants and opted OUT, I'm sure. If I'd wanted group or variety sex, I was perfect capable of stirring it up myself with people I was attracted to rather than doing it with a bunch of homely strangers. AND I'd never have married to begin with if that's what I wanted.
CarrieT Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I asked for it when we had serious intimacy issues surrounding his ED. He had no intention of getting help, of improving our sex life or changing things. So I asked for an open marriage. He shot me down. I was in an open marriage and they don't work like this. Open Marriages - and Swinger Lifestyles - only work when both parties are 100% comfortable in their skins and in their relationships. NOT when they are finding themselves wanting something they aren't getting from their marriage. Having an open marriage is expanding the love and care and sex that two people share with others; not replacing what doesn't exist in the first place. 2
Sassy Girl Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I was in an open marriage and they don't work like this. Open Marriages - and Swinger Lifestyles - only work when both parties are 100% comfortable in their skins and in their relationships. NOT when they are finding themselves wanting something they aren't getting from their marriage. Having an open marriage is expanding the love and care and sex that two people share with others; not replacing what doesn't exist in the first place. Still doesn't mean I couldn't ask. Didn't really have anything to lose. And I have friends who have this type of arrangement. She says she's too tired after a long day and isn't intersted so is happy for him to go find it elsewhere as lo g as there is no emotional connection. Each relationship is unique.
ktya Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Still doesn't mean I couldn't ask. Didn't really have anything to lose. And I have friends who have this type of arrangement. She says she's too tired after a long day and isn't intersted so is happy for him to go find it elsewhere as lo g as there is no emotional connection. Each relationship is unique. On your H's part it would be more him expressing empathy for your sexual needs than an open relationship. As CarrieT said its kind of one sided for you to go out and get sexual pleasure when he just plain cant. I get your dilemma you'd jump on him if he could perform probably by this point but he cant and you have your needs. I'm not calling you down for your request at all. Buy him a penis pump and some wicked porn, slip viagra into his drink (but not if he is on heart attack medication). You can try to work through it with him. I kind of had some limited ED problems for a while. I was seeing this hot 26 year old (I was 37) and the fact I couldn't perform was very embarassing. I contemplated going to the doctor but I just couldn't beleive that I was having this problem seeing as throughout most of my life I can rise to attention no problem and at times have had the problem that the downside of stamina is to go for several hours without finishing. Luckily it went away on it's own, was likely caused by financial stress in other areas of my life. My point is that he is probably too embarassed and ashamed to seek treatment, it's a feeling not unlike when you realize that your so fat you have to do something about it but no idea where to start. It can also be self-perpetuating, where you are afraid you are going to have problems performing so when you try you get performance anxiety and cant perform even if you actually could. I dont know your sex life, drive, or inhibitions, but I might suggest that you get him to take a shower, sit in for a nice sexy movie with him, bury your head between his legs and go down on him for the entire thing, taking great care to make sure he knows you dont care if he rises to attention or not, that you just want to do something nice for him. Even if Mr. Pete isnt ready for duty, it still feels nice. And you never know, it might just wake him up - if he sees that his member can work again the problem might go away on its own. Worked for me. Havent had a problem since.
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 It's funny when the husband suggests this because he likes the idea he can get some strange, because it ends up being the wife who usually has 100 times more offers.
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