Missing my ex's kids, and maybe my ex..

[CrystalShine2011]

I suppose the title itself gives me away: I fell in love with his two children (5 and 8) who were from a previous marriage and lived with us 50% of the time.

 

I also loved him, we will call him J. He was 14 years older than me, we met online and clicked. We started dating right after I was broken up with a longterm boyfriend that I was living with, all this time I have thought "he is the one."

 

Long story short: during the relationship with J, I constantly had to ignore thoughts of the other guy, let's call him S. Unfortunately, I cheated on J with S once during the relationship and it was found out. I shouldn't have done it, I know most will think I'm a completely ***** girlfriend. J still cared though and wanted to continue to try, we attended therapy and things became easier.

 

2 weeks ago: I broke it off for S. I did so because it was unfair to be with him while having thoughts of my ex. The whole thing was unfair to J and his family.

 

Now, sitting in practically a new life, completely different from the one I was living, I feel the deepest guilt and sadness over hurting his children (as well as him.) He is devastated, I hurt him more than even his ex wife. (Which is saying a lot.) Every day I feel a different emotion. Happy, free, sad, depressed, guilty.

 

Perhaps a bit of background?

 

S- I also met him online. He is 4 years older, and adventurous, fun, makes me laugh. Immediate connection, I know I love him and have since the day we met. Sexual chemistry, a passion that I've never felt before. His downfalls: Can be negative and uncaring off and on. Stresses me out with his anxiety.

 

J- Caring. So caring. Giving, loving. He has a good heart and I care so deeply for him, as well as his children. I'm not afraid to admit that I love him. I know I loved his kids. I cry every night as I miss their sweet faces and hugs. The way he looked at me everyday still makes me sigh. His downfall: Is too possessive.

 

 

**I'm not quite sure what I'm asking here...if you took the time to read my sad little story, then bless you. I know I just want to be happy. I also have an issue of trying to please others. I also feel awful for cheating and hurting J and his children. Did I mention that J was better to me than any other man? He probably loved me more than anyone will on this earth. Ugh, what a situation. I just want to melt! Thoughts? You can be entirely honest with me, no judgement.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I noticed that you had zero responses, and I think I know why. You're not very specific about what you want from us love shackers. So I'm not really sure how to comment on this post. I guess I can say you're in good company since the majority of us miss what we once had. You're also in good company because every single one of us made mistakes or have some regrets.

 

I think you should stick with S. You should be with those similar to you. J believes in fidelity. You and S do not. I am not judging you, believe me I am not. But you somewhat admitted to not being able to love one person. You might not be a one-man-woman. Do some soul searching on that.

 

And what exactly do you want in a relationship? You kinda ended with trying to convince yourself of which guy would make you the happiest. But which guy would you make the happiest? You have to make him happy, too.

[Pinkdisney]

I agree with Cupid....you don't believe in fidelity. How long had you been in contact with your ex S before cheating on J? You seem to be a cake eater who doesn't care about the feelings of the men you are with and want part of each man that the other one cannot offer.

 

It's really not fair to jerk both men around, being with one while secretly thinking or talking with the other. What you are doing is wrong and honestly you need to figure out what you want/need and stick with it.

[CrystalShine2011]

Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it, and agree with you. I will be working on some soul searching and figuring out what kind of person I want to be.

 

No need to be rude though (regarding the second reply), I just tried to be honest. I know what I did wasn't right. Now I feel bad for even posting.

[idoltree]

Crystal, you seem disconnected from your feelings. Like you purposefully distance yourself from them and sabotage any chance at happiness.

 

You aren't truly taking responsibility for what you did. You're getting there, and you express regret, but the way you talk about cheating tells it all:

 

Unfortunately, I cheated on J with S once during the relationship and it was found out.

The language you use is totally passive. "Unfortunately" and "it was found out". You are disconnecting yourself from responsibility for your actions, too.

 

Cheating didn't "unfortunately" happen. You chose to do it, fully knowing that you were hurting people by making that choice. Own it and stop using passive terms.

 

I'm not saying all this to tell you that you are a bad person. Just that until you take full responsibility for your choices (hint: if you're discussing it passively that hasn't happened yet) and you stop disconnecting from your feelings, you will not grow as a person.

 

I also would like you to dig into what love means for you. Your disconnect has you describing these men as tools to achieve what you want. That isn't love. Loving someone is concern and empathy for them, giving as much as you are getting. Growing together, because that is what you do for someone that you love.

 

True, you select someone who is right for you, but after that you choose to love. You choose to weather the bumps in the road. You choose to be responsible for your actions.

 

Right now you want the love and security, but you'd prefer to think of yourself as passive and therefore not responsible for outcomes. You don't want to have to give; you'd prefer just to get. You used J to get yourself through the breakup with S.

 

Love means protecting and cherishing the feelings of the person that you are with. You also seem to consistently give these men messages that you are fully in the relationship, but you keep one foot out the door.

 

Until you sort these things out, I think you will keep hurting and you will keep hurting people. If things don't work out with S, at least try not to date men with kids if you are liable to up and leave. Don't let things get serious, don't meet them, and definitely don't move in and play house unless your intentions are 100% to move toward a future with both feet in the door. It's not fair to enter their lives and then leave. You are, in effect, abandoning them. When there are kids involved, it's about more than you and your needs and you have to be intentional and think about how the kids may be effected. And they will be effected if you play house and act like you're fully committed and a part of their lives and then decide otherwise. So unless the above criteria are met, it's best that you don't choose to enter the lives of more children.

 

I hope you understand that none of this is shaming you. I'm pointing out areas where you can choose to remain stagnant or you can grow as a person.

[Pinkdisney]

Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it, and agree with you. I will be working on some soul searching and figuring out what kind of person I want to be.

 

No need to be rude though (regarding the second reply), I just tried to be honest. I know what I did wasn't right. Now I feel bad for even posting.

 

I am sorry if my post was rude or made you feel bad but I really don't think you are being truthful to yourself or what you want/need in a relationship.

Edited February 16, 2015 by Pinkdisney

[CrystalShine2011]

You are both probably right. I do want to be a better person and will work on it. Being selfish has always been a flaw, the "I deserve happiness" mentality that I've had since I was young.

 

I do appreciate the comments. Thank you.