ahoymatey Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Summary of my relationship with ex (who is in his 40s and never been married: Started dating 25 years ago as teens. He dumped me after a year and a half. Very unexpected and hurtful. Main reason: his mother was very controlling and didn't like me and caused a lot of problems in our relationship; he couldn't break the apron strings and left me. Starting dating again 5 years ago (20 years later) after my marriage ended. He dumped me after a year and a half. Once again, very abrupt. I discovered he was an alcoholic and commitmentphobe, and that he'd got cold feet/wanted to keep drinking alcoholically. Also, his mother still hated me, 20 years later. Got together again two months later. Professed his undying love to me and swore he'd never leave again. Dumped me again 8 months later. Abruptly again. His drinking was out of control, I was tired of it, and he left me because he wanted to keep drinking alcoholically. Got together again five months later. Professed his undying love to me and swore he'd never leave me again. See a pattern? This time around, however, he was sober and in treatment and treated me very well. We were extremely happy. However, his mother didn't know we were back together. Dumped me again 10 months later after telling his mother we were back together. She was very angry at him and he felt he had to choose Mother over me. Mind you, we are in our mid 40s now! Once again, very unexpected breakup, since we were very happy and stable and he was sober 3/4 of a year. Came back a year and a half later (now we are the present time). Is telling me he'd made a huge mistake, that he had been very happy with me but his mother pressured him to dump me. Has been sober, in AA, has sponsor, is going to therapy to work on his committment issues. Is willing to go to couples counseling with me and says he has finally seen the light and realizes he's loved me for 25 years and I'm The One. Says his mother is dying and he can do what he wants now, and I'm the only woman he has ever wanted to marry. Seems profoundly motivated to make things right. Why I miss him: he's the only man I've ever loved so deeply, felt so attracted to, and been so compatible with. It was both the most fulfilling relationship of my life (he was deeply loving in many ways), and the worst (since he repeatedly dumped me and that was deeply unloving). Why I think getting back together is a bad idea: He's dumped me repeatedly! He's an alcoholic who could relapse. He has serious commitment issues. My kids hate him now and I would not allow him to be involved in my kids' lives. We would have to have a very limited relationship, in terms of when I could see him and not wanting him involved in all aspects of my life until my kids are grown in a few years. Also he struggles financially due to his own poor choices. Complicating factor: I've been dating another man (also a divorced parent like myself) for the past year. We do not have the same amazing connection I had with my ex. We do not share the kinds of interests and compatibility I had with my ex. I love him but do not feel that passionate, adoring love I had for ex. But, he is stellar to me, is very stable, and adores me. I would never fear him abandoning me out of the blue like my ex. He is a high quality man with no addiction issues. Good moral character. Hard working and has good middle class income. Wants to marry me without hesitation when I feel the time is right. My kids like him. Offers a stable life with general happiness. Give me your honest opinions. Honest, but not brutal please, as I have suffered a great deal these past few years from heartache.
idoltree Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I don't know what to tell you. It's your decision, obviously. However, if I were you I would not let the stable guy go for the unstable one. First, unstable guy has been capable of dumping you repeatedly and you have always taken him back. He has learned, through your actions, that this behavior is acceptable. I don't see why he wouldn't stop himself from doing it again. You always take him back and treating you like this has worked for him. He gets you when he wants you and you go away when he doesn't want you. His mother is dying and so that won't be an issue in any relationship with him? Okay, but he's still a guy who is capable of being influenced externally. Who is to say something other than his mother won't come around and make him change his mind? Secondly, guys who have mother issues like his often take it out on the woman they are with. Don't assume that because his mother is almost gone that it will be peaceful going. It's possible he may project his issues with her onto you, especially if she's not around anymore. Third, have you ever thought that the connection you share with unstable guy is because he is unstable? The roller-coaster makes for some pretty intense and passionate times. Is it possible that your connection with stable guy doesn't compare because he's stable? Fourth, do some thinking about whether you had a parent treat you like unstable guy. If there is familiarity there, even if it's painful familiarity, it will draw you in until you resolve the lingering pain from your childhood. Unstable guy could merely be a totem for unresolved personal issues, and the major draw to him is you wanting to resolve those things through a relationship with him. If you can win him over and get him to love you and stay, you prove something to yourself. Perhaps the draw to him is more about what he represents to you than the person himself. You don't need to decide right away. You are well within your rights to take some months and think this over. I think you need time to dig deep and figure out exactly where the draw to unstable guy is coming from and if it's borne in personal dysfunction rather than in a fairy tale. My worry for you is that you subconsciously sabotage your relationship with the stable guy so you don't have to make a decision. My other worry is that you dump stable guy to get back with unstable guy, get dumped, and stable guy is no longer an option for you. You've got time to think about this, and make sure to treat stable guy right while you are thinking. Honestly, I think you'll come out of this with an idea that you've got some things about yourself that you need to work on, and those were the driving forces between why you have put up with unstable guy. I hope you understand that stable guy's consistency and stability are sexy and not that easy to find. And if you've been with him for a year, you're obviously attracted to him. It sounds like the only downside with him is the lack of connection, but maybe that connection with unstable guy isn't really what you think it is. Edited February 13, 2015 by idoltree
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 My short and sweet advice is that both men are wrong for you. The right man (and there are so many many men out there) will treat you with 100% love, 100% of the time. It sounds like you are selling yourself short because of your love for your ex. One day, probably after getting back with him once again, you will look back and wish you never had. You will want to be free. Just my approach, I don't know you and I hope it's not too harsh. 1
Ruby65 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I agree this "attraction" for this ex is probably more about unfinished childhood psychodrama than actual love. As described, this guy hardly sounds like anyone's Prince Charming and I think what probably attracts you the most about him is that he's unattainable. It doesn't sound like your new boyfriend is much better. Stable, safe, a little boring.... haven't you seen enough movies to know the heroine never ends up with this guy? Dating someone because they're nice or look good on paper isn't going to bring lasting happiness, imo anyway. Why not stay single until you find someone else you can feel genuinely passionate about? Trust me, they're out there!! Instead of thinking about how many times your old ex keeps coming back.... why not remember instead how many times he's dumped you? It's always flattering when old flames come back.... but think about it, this guy has shown you over and over that he's perfectly fine with breaking your heart and dumping you like garbage. Next time it'll be under different circumstances, and for different reasons, but do you honestly believe there won't be a next time? And if your children hate him..... there's reason enough to walk away. That's just a huge flashing red flag and you'd be foolish to ignore it. Kids can always spot a loser or a creep, especially one that's hovering around their mom. One of our jobs as parents is to model a healthy loving relationship for our kids.... is THIS what you want to show them? Move on, sweetie -- there's PLENTY of fish in the sea and neither of these guys sound nearly good enough for you!
Author ahoymatey Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Thanks for the advice. My dad was/is very emotionally distant and I think I've always been attracted to that type. Yet they make me so unhappy! The new guy I'm dating actually isn't boring at all. He's talkative, smart, very masculine, outgoing, and our "love life", ahem, is smoking hot. So maybe I'm just feeling guilt over my ex wanting me back. And feeling a little strange because I'm not used to dating a normal guy who genuinely wants a committed relationship with me. I like the point another poster made about my ex being easily influenced by others. It's true, it's not just his mother. In the past he badmouthed me to friends, other family members, and even coworkers who he barely knew. In reality, he could easily throw me under the bus for anyone. I always found his lack of loyalty to be really disturbing. I mean, who does that??
Summerrose2013 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 This is tricky, my ex was massively influenced by his family - his kids in that case rather than his mother - but believe you me, in both cases, they will NEVER put you first. You need to cut the cord from this man. His rejecting you is part of the attraction, the excitement, the challenge. If you'd be married to him for 20 years by now you'd be sick to the back teeth of him, his drinking and his nagging hate filled mother. You should be glad to be rid of him, you've dodged a bullet. That's what people told me and I finally worked out they were right. You need to go cold turkey, no contact. Give the 'nice' guy a chance to give you a better life. When my 'Mr Nice' (finally, I hope) comes along, I'm damn sure I won't risk it for an ex who dumped me on the say so of someone else...
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