Why would a wayward spouse choose to end the affair and stay married

[truncated]

A discussion in another thread has led me to wonder something.

 

I'm looking for input from husband's or wives who has had an affair, ended it, and chosen to stay married, as they are the ones to explain how they feel.

 

Why did you choose to stay? Love for your spouse, money, the kids, too difficult to divorce?

 

Did whatever the reason you chose to stay change over time? for example, if you stayed "for the kids" over time, did you begin to love your spouse romantically again, or did you always wish you could just leave?

[BetrayedH]

I'll answer for my exwife on this one. She "tried" to reconcile with me for 8 months after Dday.

 

Guilt, obligation, and mostly, fear of the embarassment that would come from exposure.

 

A lot of people cite staying for the lifestyle, money, difficulty of divorce, etc but that never rang true in my situation. Those things wouldn't have stopped her from divorcing me (nor did they).

 

She wasn't staying for any love of me either (although I do think she felt bad). I'm not sure she really loves anyone, to be honest. What she didn't want was for everyone to know what she'd done.

[carhill]

In your proposed scenario, is/was the affair transparent or secret? If transparent, disclosed or discovered? IMO, factors surrounding the affair itself have relevance to the choices made to continue the M, the feelings attached to those choices, as well as including or excluding some anecdotes. Are you only looking for input from long-term reconciled spouses or is input from those who remained married for awhile then later divorced OK?

[snappytomcat]

we have discussed this in mc

I did leave my xwh after dday,told him to go be with the xow,of course he didn't want to,ive read a lot on the other forum that they stay for the kids even though they are really unhappy.

I can tell you my husband is very happy,the happiest hes been in years actually,our kids are grown and on their own,we don't own a house,my car is paid for so is his,our 2 motorcycles are paid for,im indepenant,I didn't need him to stay with me for financial reasons.

id he was so unhappy there was nothing keeping him here,we would have split anything we have which isn't much evenly.

the fact is he stayed cause he loves me,and you don't need to feel bad for him his very happy,i don't have a leash around him

[Mrs. John Adams]

when i had my affair and i confessed to my husband...I said i know you need to do what is best for you.If you need to divorce me...i will ask for nothing. He was the one who allowed me to stay.

 

Yes...I could have walked away...but even though i had an affair...I still loved and wanted my husband. How could I do that to him and still love him? I truly can't answer that....I was mad at him...I was not happy....we were not in a good place...no excuses to have an affair and we all suffer those same things over and over in marriage at one time or another. So why was this time different?

 

Circumstances, opportunity, mindset? yes....but through it all...the bottom line was i still loved him.

 

So to answer the op here...Love...I love him....and he was worth every moment i have stayed.

 

Now...to be very honest...we were poor and had two small children that needed both of their parents...and i am certain that played into the equation as well. We wanted to keep our family in tact.

 

But ultimately...the decision to reconcile....was my husbands. Had it chosen to be done with me...I would have had no say in the matter...just like he had no say in my having an affair in the first place.

[compulsivedancer]

I stayed because I wanted to reconcile. The A was never intended to replace H, and I didn't actually want to separate at the time. Since we had no kids or property, it would have been easier for me to leave.