Mallie Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 My boyfriend of almost 8 years broke up with me on New years day. I don't blame him for wanting out, I was so cold and not affectionate at all. I feel horrible about the way I was and I always think if he gives me another chance I will change and I want to not just for him but for me, I didn't like the person I was. I don't want to want him back though, I know there is a 99% chance he wont be back especially since it was so bad. I also feel the way he ended it was very very cruel and I think that is something I will always think about if we were back together. I was actually doing pretty well but this week has been tough. I constantly think about him and dream about him. it is hard having the most important person in your life, ripped right out. I don't have a question or anything, I just really need advice. Thanks:)
Toodaloo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 What advice do you need though? You don't want him back - he isn't coming back so all you have to do is look forward and get your happiness back. You are going to dream about him and have thoughts is natural and part of the healing process. Go and get some fresh air and exercise, join a group or do something you have wanted to for ages. Eventually it all fades away, a month isn't all that long so just give yourself time.
lauri Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You sound like you lost interest in him. I'm a bit confused here...are you more upset that he ended it with you? No one would act cold and not affectionate to someone they are into / attracted to. It doesn't make sense...so it sounds like he made the right call ending it with you. Staying with someone for the fact of staying with them because your scared to be alone is ridiculous yet so many people do it. You'll end up unhappy, he will end up unhappy and someone may cheat / do something to hurt the other person. It's a blessing in disguise..I think you're ego is just hurt he actually did what he did and started to move on. Now it's time for you to learn to be happy on your own. 7 years with someone is a long time and it will take you a while to adjust...I'm not saying that what you are going through shouldn't hurt but it sounds like you were checking out before he decided to end things.
Ralph79 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 My boyfriend of almost 8 years broke up with me on New years day. I don't blame him for wanting out, I was so cold and not affectionate at all. I feel horrible about the way I was and I always think if he gives me another chance I will change and I want to not just for him but for me, I didn't like the person I was. I don't want to want him back though, I know there is a 99% chance he wont be back especially since it was so bad. I also feel the way he ended it was very very cruel and I think that is something I will always think about if we were back together. I was actually doing pretty well but this week has been tough. I constantly think about him and dream about him. it is hard having the most important person in your life, ripped right out. I don't have a question or anything, I just really need advice. Thanks:) If you were really that cold and and not affectionate at all, and he put up with it for a long time, maybe he had a lot of pent up frustration over it that he went overboard in the way he broke up and took years of bottled up anger out on you in a single act. If this as unusual behavior for him there's a real high chance he will be back once the rage and anger within him dissipates. The real question is, what is it exactly that makes you feel wanting him back? Was he nice to you all the time thus made your life very comfortable? Was he great in bed? (I have a feeling the answer is going to be no) Was he super attentive to every need you had? Make a list of reasons, then ask yourself Why was I so cold to him? Why did I never show affection? Lastly ask yourself What has changed , or can change, that makes you believe getting back together is an idea you should even entertain. If the answer is nothing, then just give yourself time and these emotions die away slowly. Specially if there is no sound reasoning behind them. Move to a different apartment if possible. Or try and remove all reminders of him in your life for the time being. Give your subconscious a break from all the mayhem you just went through.
darkbloom Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You just want the comfort and the security back. The feelings will pass. If you were cold and indifferent towards him, then something has not been right for awhile. Focus on your healing. You will still miss him. You will still dream of him. But you will get over him. Give yourself time to let it go.
ZiggyZoo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I think that the fact that you're saying that you don't WANT to want him back is good. It sounds to me like you have accepted the fact that the relationship wasn't what you wanted, and you can see that getting back together isn't what is best for you. I knew I was turning a corner in my own healing process when that very thought occurred to me, that I didn't want my ex back per se, I just wanted to stop missing him. And this week is especially tough for everyone, with Valentines' Day right around the corner and all. Even if you didn't celebrate it and don't think its a big deal, it could've triggered some buried sadness. Who knows? Hang in there, I'm personally giving myself permission to cry and mope a bit more than usual until Sunday. I agree with Toodaloo, you likely need more time to recover from this person being gone from your life. Even if they weren't all great, eight years is a long time to be with someone, its normal that you'd miss them. I'd say to cut yourself some slack, and don't worry about how long you think it should take. It'll take as long as it takes. 1
Author Mallie Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Thanks, what you all are saying is probably right. I think back and I know the relationship was done for a long time but I loved him so much and I didn't want to lose him. He was the most important person in my life and I would like him back in my life in some sort of way, I think it is just too soon for me to see him. I am working on changes for myself. I was not a happy person which made me cold and uncaring and I don't want to be that person. I think if the relationship had continued I would always be that unhappy person, I needed this push to change. Maybe once I have bettered myself I can be friend with him or who knows maybe more. I am the one who destroyed this relationship, I take full credit and that is also what makes it hurt so much.
Kinetica84 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 My boyfriend of almost 8 years broke up with me on New years day. I don't blame him for wanting out, I was so cold and not affectionate at all. I feel horrible about the way I was and I always think if he gives me another chance I will change and I want to not just for him but for me, I didn't like the person I was. I don't want to want him back though, I know there is a 99% chance he wont be back especially since it was so bad. I also feel the way he ended it was very very cruel and I think that is something I will always think about if we were back together. I was actually doing pretty well but this week has been tough. I constantly think about him and dream about him. it is hard having the most important person in your life, ripped right out. I don't have a question or anything, I just really need advice. Thanks:) Why were you so cold toward him. He sounds like you wanted out yourself. You're mourning the biggest part of your life for 8 years. You had that stability, security and intimacy and now it is gone. It's hard to cope and to readjust but it will get better. If you don't want him back then you should be able to move on easily.
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