Did I overreact by getting so upset about my boyfriend not completely informing me?

[Maxie Max]

There was a recent situation in which I was a little irrational. I want your thoughts on this because I was really upset and mad with my boyfriend over something that went on. So, here goes:

 

He called me to invite me to hang out with him. He said that he was going to pick up 2 cold ones. I immediately noticed that he didn't sound like himself. For example, he was in a public setting speaking on something that was personal and so forth. I asked him had he already been drinking. He revealed that he had been. I told him that I could tell because he wasn't himself. He then asked me to please not do that.

 

He gives me the address to his friend's house because his roommate doesn't drink and doesn't like it. When I arrive, I realize that it is the home of one of his friends that I don't care too much for. I told my boyfriend that I was leaving because I didn't like the person. I said he can go on but I'm not going to sit in the house of someone that I don't like.

 

My boyfriend said that he had already told his friend that he was going to pick up his baby and that he really wanted to show me off and that going back by himself would be embarassing and that he couldn't believe I would do that to him. I asked who was this friend to be wanting to impress. I also said that he could tell the friend that my car knocked off or whatever he wanted to come up with so that he didn't have egg on his face.

 

He insisted and even said he would straighten up the issue with that friend right then if I wanted that. I told him to forget it and that I would go that time but moving forward - I don't want to be surprised like that. Be honest, was I being ridiculous?

 

Another thing is that he was very affectionate while I was there. This was even when the friend wasn't in the room. He really doesn't show that much affection. He took lots of pictures of me, just sitting and playing with the pets. He told me how glad he was that I came and how much he had missed me since we last hung out. Is it something about alcohol that causes that?

[PegNosePete]

Yes, alcohol causes people to lose inhibitions.

 

Seems he took you for granted and was quite manipulative. He knew that you didn't like the person so he omitted information. Then he said he wanted to show you off, like a new car or phone? his promises are his own, he should have checked with you before making plans. It's not your fault or responsibility to keep his promises that he didn't ask or tell you about. Any egg on his face is only there because he took you for granted. It was kind of you to feed him excuses to save face.

 

If it's a one-off then I would accept it as long as he apologizes for his treatment of you. If he makes a pattern of it then you have a problem.

[Maxie Max]

Yes, alcohol causes people to lose inhibitions.

 

Seems he took you for granted and was quite manipulative. He knew that you didn't like the person so he omitted information. Then he said he wanted to show you off, like a new car or phone? his promises are his own, he should have checked with you before making plans. It's not your fault or responsibility to keep his promises that he didn't ask or tell you about. Any egg on his face is only there because he took you for granted. It was kind of you to feed him excuses to save face.

 

If it's a one-off then I would accept it as long as he apologizes for his treatment of you. If he makes a pattern of it then you have a problem.

He didn't know that I don't care too much for this particular one until we were in the driveway. We bumped heads because he hadn't been really clear that we were hanging out with that person too. I felt like something should have been said in advance

[mightycpa]

How much forethought and consideration can you really expect from someone who's been drinking?

 

C'mon.

[elaine567]

He was a bit drunk and an affectionate drunk is much better than aggressive drunk.

He wanted to show you off to his friend and that is a very good thing, so add that to his show of the affection for you albeit drunk, he probably likes you quite a bit.

 

You have to consider your options, and the ramifications of getting upset over the friend incident

If you do not like his friend, and do not want to spend time with him, then that is your choice, but he will not ditch his friend, so if you make a huge deal out of this, then instead of calling you to hang out, he may in the future just go hang out with his friend and leave you at home.

So instead of including you, he may exclude you. That will not be good for you, so sometimes you have to be a bit clever and chose your battles. Was it really a big deal to sit there among pets, whilst he showed you off and took pictures of you? Probably not. Sometimes it is better to hold your tongue over small things, if the bigger picture means he is happier and he wants to hang out with you more. The fact he wants to hang out with you, is I guess more important to you than showing annoyance over something that hardly matters in the scheme of things.

Of course if he then was to insist you spend every evening with his friend, then you would be more justified in showing your annoyance.

 

Insisting that you do not want ever to be surprised, may put a bit of a damper on normal interactions. Spontaneity can sometimes be fun.

He should respect you of course, but having to plead for you to come see his friend, will not sit well. He may also see this as having to ask your permission everytime he wants to make social plans, and he may see that as a bit restrictive or controlling.

[Omei]

If he didn't know he didn't know.

 

Anyway adults tolerate people they don't like, you don't have to like them just tolerate their presence as someone said before they're not going to stop being friends so that's your best option. If I had already arrived like you did leaving just makes it clear to all, its not a good idea to make a situation of it, if my guy said he wanted to show me off id of just gone with it told my bf I didn't like that person after later on when we were alone.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Omei

[writergal]

How exactly is this guy a good boyfriend?? He got drunk, lied to and manipulated you and then said he was going to go pick up his child (i.e. the baby reference, unless he calls you "baby") while drunk? Um, what?! Why would you be okay with him doing that?

 

What PegNosePete said, 100%. If this is a one-time incident, he was a jerk. But if he gets this drunk, this often, and does this kind of thing to you, then it's a pattern and a huge problem because then that means he's an alcoholic and you are enabling his dysfunctional behavior.

 

Do you have anything to apologize to him for? Absolutely not. He was an ass for the way he lied to and manipulated you. He is the one who owes you the apology. He sounds really self-absorbed for what he put you through. I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment from a boyfriend, because it means he doesn't respect me and treats me like an option when it's convenient for him, rather than someone he prioritizes.