Tonic Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 So it seems im in a little bit of a predicament. My mate and myself have known each other for about 15 years. He has been with his partner for 4 or so years. Although i would usually see them on the weekends, i never really bothered to get to know his partner until about a year ago. Since then, we have gotten quite close. During the last few weeks our conversations have been rather odd, and im starting to get the feeling she is developing "romantic feelings" for me, just based on certain things she has told me or said to me. Anyways, even though she is extremely attractive and probably the most down to earth female i know, and is definitely quite a catch, i know that nothing can happen, i have to much respect for my mate. What should i do?
almond Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You say you respect your friend, but you seem to already be crossing lines with his girlfriend. What exactly has she said that leads you to believe that she has developed feelings for you? If you truly respect your friend, you will create some healthy distance and boundaries between yourself and his girlfriend immediately. Back off, don't let your conversations cross any lines, and try to only speak to her her while her boyfriend is present. Trying to maintain a close friendship with this girl is foolish at this point. It's most certainly time to step back - allowing this to continue any longer is incredibly disrespectful. 2
Author Tonic Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 You say you respect your friend, but you seem to already be crossing lines with his girlfriend. What exactly has she said that leads you to believe that she has developed feelings for you? If you truly respect your friend, you will create some healthy distance and boundaries between yourself and his girlfriend immediately. Back off, don't let your conversations cross any lines, and try to only speak to her her while her boyfriend is present. Trying to maintain a close friendship with this girl is foolish at this point. It's most certainly time to step back - allowing this to continue any longer is incredibly disrespectful. Trust me i do try, she has stated that im her idea of a perfect guy, or she wishes her partner were more like myself and she is quite flirtatious towards me. A perfect example of this was last weekend. We had a couple drinks, we were off to bed. (Her partner was already asleep along with a few other guests that were there) I was in the spare room, and she comes in gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek saying she wanted a cuddle. At this point i had to leave. When things like this are said i do tend to let the conversation die, which is only really a temporary solution. I havent really been messaging her that much, or if she starts the conversation i try to limit my replies or be a tad blunt in my response. What else can i do.
almond Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Ugh, your poor friend. What else can you do? Tell her straight out that this sort of behaviour is totally inappropriate, and that it must stop immediately. Ignore her texts. You're not a helpless victim here, and I highly doubt you're as innocent in all of this as you seem to think you are. Put a stop to this - you have let it go way too far already. End the friendship with her as soon as possible, and explain to her that you're doing this out of respect for your friend, who just so happens to be her boyfriend, because you feel that your friendship is no longer appropriate. Simple. Edited February 13, 2015 by almond 6
Author Tonic Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Ugh, your poor friend. What else can you do? Tell her straight out that those sorts of comments are totally inappropriate, and that it must stop immediately. Ignore her texts. You're not a helpless victim here, and I highly doubt you're as innocent in all of this as you seem to think you are. Put a stop to this - you have let it go way too far already. End the friendship with her as soon as possible, and explain to her that you're doing this out of respect for your friend, who just so happens to be her boyfriend, because you feel that your friendship is no longer appropriate. Simple. I appreciate the advice, but don't talk like you know me. I have in no way shape or form initiated or continued said behavior. And its not so much the conversation part of things, becuase i shall continue to do, as im doing now. BUT more so when we hang out considering they kind of come as a package.
PegNosePete Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 she has stated that im her idea of a perfect guy, or she wishes her partner were more like myself and she is quite flirtatious towards me. Dude, you need to shut this shiznit down, right now. Tell her that she is acting totally inappropriately and that you would never betray your friend by allowing her to continue behaving like this with you. Tell her that if she tries anything like that again, you will immediately tell your mate what she's up to. If she doesn't stop then you need to cut contact with her. Don't be alone with her especially when drunk. If it continues then you will lose your mate, and be left with a "relationship" of some kind, with a cheater. 1
almond Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 How did I talk to you like I know you? Lol. I'm simply responding to the information you have provided. The fact that this girl came into your room, kissed you on the cheek, then tried to crawl in bed with you is saying a lot about this "close friendship" of yours. She tells you that you are her idea of a perfect guy. So, you continue to develop this "friendship," texting each other etc. She tells you she wishes her boyfriend was more like you...and you still keep texting and being "friends." You then ask what you can do? Come on buddy, open your eyes here. I see that you're not ready to take any responsibility for your part in this, but I don't need to know you to tell you that what you're doing is wrong by your friend. Even though you've replied that you will continue to do what you have been, I'll repeat my advice once more for good measure - if you truly respect your friend as you say, then end the inappropriate relationship you have going on with his girlfriend. That's all I have to offer, and in my opinion, putting an end to this is the only reasonable solution if you care for your friend. 5
Author Tonic Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Dude, you need to shut this shiznit down, right now. Tell her that she is acting totally inappropriately and that you would never betray your friend by allowing her to continue behaving like this with you. Tell her that if she tries anything like that again, you will immediately tell your mate what she's up to. If she doesn't stop then you need to cut contact with her. Don't be alone with her especially when drunk. If it continues then you will lose your mate, and be left with a "relationship" of some kind, with a cheater. Yeah i think that is definitely the best bet, as much as it would kill me to ruin something between them, i think thats the only thing left to do
PegNosePete Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) So she is sneaking into your room at night, kissing you on the cheek and attempting to climb into bed with you. How is that you ruining things between them? She is ruining their relationship plenty all by herself. It's just a matter of time until it blows up. Don't be an enabler for her, your mate will never forgive you. When she inevitably cheats, make sure you have no part in it. Whether to tell your mate what she's up to, that's a hard call. You know him and his situation best. How would he take it? Many people would simply refuse to believe, and if he confronts her she will undoubtedly say that you came onto her. So telling him may do more harm than good. If you discover that she's trying it on with others then definitely tell him, but, you need to get out of that glass house before you start throwing stones. Edited February 13, 2015 by PegNosePete
Author Tonic Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 So she is sneaking into your room at night, kissing you on the cheek and attempting to climb into bed with you. How is that you ruining things between them? She is ruining their relationship plenty all by herself. It's just a matter of time until it blows up. Don't be an enabler for her, your mate will never forgive you. When she inevitably cheats, make sure you have no part in it. I know that these actions in itself is going to ruin it, but they have been through alot, and she has been like his rock, quite honestly im not sure what would of come of him if she hadn't come along when she did. Ill just have to do what's right i guess. Thanks guys
gaius Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 To be honest Tonic your friendship with this guy is already over. =/ Even if you don't do anything with her if something about this ever comes out he's not going to keep you around. And if she doesn't fool around on him with you it's just going to be some other guy. You're not preventing her from cheating by turning down her advances. So you might as well enjoy yourself and take her while the door is open, because you certainly seem to have the hots for her. 1
Author Tonic Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 To be honest Tonic your friendship with this guy is already over. =/ Even if you don't do anything with her if something about this ever comes out he's not going to keep you around. And if she doesn't fool around on him with you it's just going to be some other guy. You're not preventing her from cheating by turning down her advances. So you might as well enjoy yourself and take her while the door is open, because you certainly seem to have the hots for her. Maybe so, but atleast i can say ive done the right thing. And yeah i think she is quite attractive, but then i also find alot of woman good looking. So i think ill pass on your advice, thanks. 2
umirano Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Tell her to break up with your mate. Or tell your mate to break up with her.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 There are billions of women in the world. Pick another. It's always too messy to get involved with a friends girlfriend/boyfriend.
Toodaloo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 What should i do? Back away before it gets messy. Spend time with your mate but under no circumstances spend ANY time with her alone. Do not drink around her either. If your mate says anything just say you don't trust her much and don't want to be around her. At least then he gets a warning. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You have four choices: You can point blank tell her that her conduct toward you is unwelcome. She is your buddy's girl & based on that nothing can ever develop between you. You can walk away & stop spending any time with them both. Although you can see him alone, never them & especially never just her. Make sure she knows to stop texting you or calling you. You can tell your buddy what is going on & get him to stop it. He will probably "shoot the messenger" & you will lose the friend anyway. You can be a jerk of a friend & steal his girl by taking what she's offering. Remember though if she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.
Ieris Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Happened to me before, when I told my friend they cut me off even though I didn't do anything! On another occasion I just went on and on about some guy that I like (imaginary) so that killed off any hope they had and he backed away. I don't understand people who goes for peoples best friends, it's such a sh***y thing to do, your friend is better off without her! Hope it all works out x
No Limit Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Impressive that you'd replace a friend of 15 years for a girl, and a cheater at that. You too must behave in certain ways that makes this girl continue, she wouldn't do this if you wouldn't encourage it. Basically you're doing everything with her except for body contact. And if you're a friend, you should also tell your buddy what kind of a GF he has, and also about the kiss. Block her number and tell her if he wants to meet up to hang out - it's going to be WITHOUT her. You've let boundaries slip by and now it's time to re-establish them, if you really respect your friend as much as you say or believe. 1
Iknowme Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I have two friends who I've known for as long as ive been alive and this is what id do with is happened between us. I would go, be completely honest and say everything that happened. Say maybe you where asleep and she really did want to cuddle but i thought you should know so that you can protect yourself and I'm scared if i push her away she will find someone else to do this with. Tell him he can not believe you if you want and even hate you but at least be careful because you care too much about him to allow this. You can also tell her she needs to sort out the issues in her relationship because what she is doing is disgusting and inappropriate. But i would really just tell my friend because if she does it with you she will do it with someone else and it will only hurt your friend more the longer he's with her. In glad you got bros before hoes down man, your a good friend.
Author Tonic Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Impressive that you'd replace a friend of 15 years for a girl, and a cheater at that. You too must behave in certain ways that makes this girl continue, she wouldn't do this if you wouldn't encourage it. Basically you're doing everything with her except for body contact. And if you're a friend, you should also tell your buddy what kind of a GF he has, and also about the kiss. Block her number and tell her if he wants to meet up to hang out - it's going to be WITHOUT her. You've let boundaries slip by and now it's time to re-establish them, if you really respect your friend as much as you say or believe. And of course you would know all about it right. I haven't encouraged it in the slightest. I have no reason to encourage it, because im not looking for a relationship and im not the kind of dude that does FWB bull****.
Trimmer Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) I appreciate the advice, but don't talk like you know me. I have in no way shape or form initiated or continued said behavior. Huh? What do you call this? I was in the spare room, and she comes in gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek saying she wanted a cuddle. At this point i had to leave. I havent really been messaging her that much... The fact that you are still messaging her at all means you are not cutting off contact with her as you should after she tried to climb into bed with you. You need to shut her down clearly, completely, and actively. Behaving passively ("limiting" conversation, not messaging her "that much...") is enabling her to continue. Edited February 14, 2015 by Trimmer 1
Diezel Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 The fact that this thread even exists means that the friendship is already in danger. Who cares what you've done or whether you've completely bought into it or not. You're letting this happen whether you realize it or not. I have to agree with No Limit. I'd never even CONSIDER this relationship solely on the basis that she seems to want to cheat, but then on your best friend? Double whammy. Low quality chick. 2
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Sounds like you are developing feelings for her ok. Dude, it's time to distance yourself from her. Oh, and get a girlfriend.
No Limit Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I haven't encouraged it in the slightest. Yes you have, and still do. Everytime you text with her and exchange 'innocent hugs and kisses on the cheek' you're encouraging her. Every time you don't tell her to back off because this isn't appropriate you're encouraging her. And anytime you cover some of her ***** to your "best friend", you're encouraging her. I get the feeling you wanted responses like "Looks like you have to endure her licking your boot; but it's not your fault, it's not your fault you were born hot", but you chose the wrong forum for that. I get it that it feels good for the ego to be seemingly "chosen above someone else" (which is also wrong because whatever issues that girl has have nothing to do with you, but analyzing cheater-minds is too lengthy for this thread) but at least don't cover it up with supposed friendship.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 And of course you would know all about it right. I haven't encouraged it in the slightest. I have no reason to encourage it, because im not looking for a relationship and im not the kind of dude that does FWB bull****. First of all, when you went to bed that night, that last person that should have been in that room was your buddies girlfriend. Then she kisses you then wants to cuddle. That's when you put good manners aside and become a first class a-- hole and tell her to get her ass out of your room and for her to never do it again and say it in a way that she really understands that you want no parts of her. Honestly the minuet she started acting flirty with you was when you pull him to the side and let him know that she isn't what he thinks she is then let him deal with her. If your that good friends with him, he's going to know your not jiving him and he would believe you. 1
Recommended Posts