DC77 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Oh the joys of dating. I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks. Things seemed good. Enjoyed each other's company. He was attentive. Maybe even a little shy, which is kind of interesting since he's had a pretty impressive career in the military. Then we slept together at week 3 after having a really great day together. And it's gone downhill from there. Contact went from normal to sparse to nil within a couple days. I've just automatically assumed it's over. I know, nothing ground breaking here folks. But I read something that made me wonder if I'm jumping to conclusions and not being fair. I also started thinking. He had a really bad day last week where he asked for a hug and comfort but didn't want to talk about it. I didn't pry, it's his business. Just supported him. Then he apologized for not being able to open up. I know something is going on at work. He just had a birthday ( we're both in our mid 30s). Vday is looming (which if he knew me better I could give 2 ****s). He has a big race... Basically a lot going on emotionally and time wise. So I put it out here, should I be writing him off so presumptuously or show compassion? And PS I'm not contacting him.
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 He didn't like the sex. Or the sex made him realise that he isn't emotionally invested in you. Sex makes a man either: feel a connection, or not. He obviously didn't feel for you in the way in which he had hoped for/was aiming for. He has disappeared. Men don't just stop contacting you after sex for longer periods of time than usual. If he's a jerk, he will come back to get sex when he is bored. You know not to bite though as you're in your 30's. He has proved himself to be a bit of a d!ck. Dropping contact after sex is inconsiderate. Sure, he doesn't owe you anything after just a mere three weeks... but it is common courtesy to let a girl down. Not just disappear with no explanation after you share your both intimately.... 2
Poppygoodwill Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I think - sorry to say - best to take this one at face value and don't try to think too hard about it. If he was into you, he would be trying to spend time with you. That's it; nothing more complicated than that. Based on his lack of communication, you may never know why. But don't let yourself get distracted wondering 'what if'. There is no 'what if' after three weeks. There's only 'what is'. So shake it off, go out with your gfs and have a great time, delete his number and move on. Best thing for you. And I'd say, BTW, that based on his behaviour, you've dodged a bullet. Better to know this sort of disappearing act after a few weeks than a few months or years. 5
Author DC77 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Just for reference, here is the article I read written from a mans perspective: https://thereasonablebachelor.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/why-wont-he-call-you-after-sex/ The sex according to him was amazing. I know his freak out probably has little to do with me. He has bigger things going on.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Don't take it personally , sounds like he has things going on in his life right now and he probably isn't ready. 1
Dybbuk Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Gonna lay down some truths. 1. If a man has sex with a woman, enjoys it and has a real interest in her, he'll come back for more. I've never known a man to say "I had amazing sex with a great woman I'm seeing... let me start ignoring her instead of making plans to see her again." Or at the very least make his intent known he wants to see you again, but let you know a lot is going on at the moment and he's not available at this time. 2. Men are not complicated. The behavior they display are clear indicators of their intentions. Letting communication drop to nil means he's not interested in talking to you again. 3. Quite frankly you can have sex any time you want in a courtship but there is an inherent risk in having sex with someone PRIOR to defining what your relationship is. I'm a big believer if you want to find someone to have a REAL relationship with, you should definitely invest the time to develop an emotional connection before a physical one. The fact that he didn't want to open up to you about his bad day means that the emotional connection wasn't there yet. A man only opens up to a woman when he's feeling vulnerable when he really see's true potential in that person. I say this because I don't want you to delude yourself into thinking that he's just having so many things going on in his life that he can't manage to pick up a phone or text "I had a great time with you, I hope we can see each other again." Also, speaking from experience... I have been through this before. Met a guy... 5th date/2nd week of dating, slept with him and had the weird/awkward slow fade out. I believe the phrase he used was "Let's slow things down communication wise." Other guy who was super interested and had great conversations with didn't talk to me for 3 days and ended with a "Let's be friends." I got to the point where I decided that I was not sleeping with anyone until they proved themselves worthy of my time/affection. Told my current BF I wasn't interested in the hit-it-and-quit-it scenario, and you better believe that he committed to me prior to having sex. We waited and it was hard to do for both of us, but we got to know each other and it just made the transition from "dating" (because you know how much of a pain in the ass that is) to a relationship that much easier. Don't take it personal. This guy was a total DBag to do this, but learn from it and move on. Don't make excuses for him, because he's not giving you half the consideration you're giving him. Best of luck DC77!
venusishername Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I think it may be too soon to jump to any conclusions. A few days passing is reasonable, although I do understand your anxiety! I don't think a busy person with a full plate is expected or obligated to be in contact with someone they've been dating in the early stages on a daily basis by any means. Sounds like he had a lot going on. Take a step back, as you are. If he likes you, he will come back. If he doesn't, then you are better off. Don't focus too much on the fact that you had sex and let your insecurity about that get the better of you. I see it all the time on here, and I'm guilty of the same. 1
venusishername Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Just for reference, here is the article I read written from a mans perspective: https://thereasonablebachelor.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/why-wont-he-call-you-after-sex/ The sex according to him was amazing. I know his freak out probably has little to do with me. He has bigger things going on. p.s. I enjoyed that article! 1
Author DC77 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Route59, I'm not angry by any means. And I try not to carry past relationships into new ones. I'm not devastated here. I don't hate him. I don't feel rejected. It is what it is... I'm also almost willing to bet money he has recently been cheated on. I just realized after reading that article that maybe i was being brash in writing him off and maybe what he needs is a person with compassion, even if that's just a friend. I have contacted him to let him know I understand and that he doesn't owe me an explanation. And that he is an incredible person. His life in the service and stories really are incredible but lately he had really been doubting himself. So Whether I've sealed the coffin or not by making contact I've at least let him know that I'm not angry, I understand, and that he's an incredible person. He can take that as he wishes. I don't have any expectations of a result. I just didn't want it to go unsaid and be an I wish I said.
losangelena Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Route59, I'm not angry by any means. And I try not to carry past relationships into new ones. I'm not devastated here. I don't hate him. I don't feel rejected. It is what it is... Really? Do you really feel not at all angry, devastated, or rejected? I would, even just a little bit. Even just for a little while. Sure, this incident shouldn't turn you into a raging man-hater, but if he has lost interest and is fading away, I think it's natural to feel a bit miffed. You're not a robot. You're entitled to have feelings, even if it means being hurt. The fact that you're looking up Internet articles and posting about it on a forum suggest that it's on your mind, and most likely in a negative sense. Just throwing that out there. I've never had that happen where I'm not at least a little disappointed. 1
Author DC77 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Nope. I'm not mad. And I'm not taking it personally. I look up articles because I want to try to understand what he's going through. Anger isn't going to accomplish anything and I don't like having that kinda bad juju in my life... He has responded. And we agree that we aren't forever. I'm not angry at that. A little disappointed yes because I truly do enjoy his company. We had fun. And who wants to stop something when you're having fun?? But we have agreed to be friends. Not the bs kinda 'friends' typical of a break up. Or friends with something more someday. Just friends. There are some people worth letting go and others worth keeping. He's worth being a friend. So no one is at a loss here. 1
mightycpa Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 He has a big race What does that mean? Could it be relevant? Like he's training, maybe unable to communicate?
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