adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I dated a guy for a few weeks. It was going really well and everything was awesome. Great chemistry, fun to hang out with. And he seemed to geniunely be into me. BUT then I got drunk and texted him mean crazy jealous stuff. He forgave me and we hung out again.I baked him cookies and apologized. But we got in a fight cuz I asked him to take me on a real date, and I guess the whole conversation was annoying to him. Especially right after the texts I had sent. He freaked out and wanted me to leave. We ended up making up that night. I said I was sorry for pressuring him and he told me just to relax. The next week I texted and asked if he wanted to get a beer. He said maybe another time he had plans. I said that'd be great. But then proceeded to text stupid stuff again, like "what are you doing anyways, and should I be jealous?" he ignored me so of course I freaked out and said some other stuff, like "if your seeing someone just let me know, cuz that would change things for me" he never responded. We didn't talk for another week and I texted to see if we could hangout again, he didn't say anything. And to make it even worse I showed up at his house and said I was really sorry but I needed to talk to him. I said I felt bad for how I had acted and needed to know where I stood. he made it clear it was over. But then we had sex again, but he made it clear it was just sex. The next week i asked if he needed company. He ignored me. I texted a slew of other needy things and of course he ignored them. So I called and left a really nice VM saying I didn't expect a reply cuz I know I messed up, but I was on birth control pills that made me a little emotional, and let him know I would love to see him again. Later I texted to see if he had got it, and asked him to please call and that I really wanted to talk to him. No reply. Everyone says I screwed up too bad. It was like the more he pulled away the crazier I got. I just know what I had, and I was freaked cuz I was ruining it, and I couldn't stop. Like when you pick at a pimple and then all of a sudden you have a crater on your face. But I don't need to know that I messed up and how, I know what I did and I'm kicking myself hard for it. I need to know if I can ever get him to respect me again and to forgive me, to trust me, and simply try to start over. We barely got to know each other and my first impression was awful. I could do so much better. I just need another chance with this guy. But I feel like anything I do now is going to add to the crazy. I already did everything. Called and texted and showed up. haha. I can't help but feel like if I could get him to sit down with me and we could just have a good time again, he would rediscover what he saw in me in the first place. People say don;t contact him, but I hate feeling like he will move on and then that's really it. If I wait too long it's goona be weird if I try to reconnect because we don't have a huge or great history. HELP!! Edited February 13, 2015 by adarling adding stuff
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You don't need another chance. You want another chance. That's an important distinction. However, I think he is well and truly done. He's told you that and his actins (ie silence) support that. Leave him alone now or you're going to find yourself in an even worse position. You need to get a handle on yourself and ask yourself why you behave this way. It's not because of birth control pills. In my view, you are not ready for a relationship. You first need to address your underlying insecurity and emotional immaturity. Otherwise, you'll run future relationships off in the ditch too. 2
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Listen, that's exactly what I knew everyone was going to go after. What I did, my mistakes, and tell me all my problems. you don't know me, and I've had very successful relationships. This one was different for many reasons. I had insecurities about him that were planted by his friend telling me some stuff about him that made me nervous. I also got drunk and started this whole destruction. And also you must be a boy if you have no idea how birth control pills can really screw with you. Your hormones can have a huge impact on your behavior and my doctor admitted I was on a high dose that I had no business being on. I am looking for solutions here. Not a beat down, or a "this is over" forget about response. But thanks for your response nonetheless.
JimmyBucket Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Listen, that's exactly what I knew everyone was going to go after. What I did, my mistakes, and tell me all my problems. you don't know me, and I've had very successful relationships. This one was different for many reasons. I had insecurities about him that were planted by his friend telling me some stuff about him that made me nervous. I also got drunk and started this whole destruction. And also you must be a boy if you have no idea how birth control pills can really screw with you. Your hormones can have a huge impact on your behavior and my doctor admitted I was on a high dose that I had no business being on. I am looking for solutions here. Not a beat down, or a "this is over" forget about response. But thanks for your response nonetheless. Honest answer: you turned a mild cut into a giant gaping by pouring salt into it constantly instead of letting it heal I also think you're severely projecting your dream man into this guy because he doesn't want you. Women are terrible with this - they desperately want what they can't have Get ahold of your emotions and realize there's nothing special about this man. He's likely one of a million, you're just projecting your dream traits onto him. Talk to other men and you'll be fine. 1
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 again thank you for your feedback. I do believe this guy is worth the fight. So, does anybody have any ideas on how to fix this?
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 and just try to believe I'm not usually like this, that it was a fluke, a bad streak of little mistakes, and I only tried so hard because I got swept away and once I made a mistake the more I tried to fix it the worse it got. And since you know me even less than he does, let me say I am really sweet, don't intentionally ever want to hurt anyone. Believe in love, and am a romantic. I was having casual sex with this guy and we took things way too quick. We both made decisions that led to the break, and our communication could have been a whole lot better. Ultimately, the only way this would work is if we started over and slowed way down.
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 But the problem is convincing him to try that with me.
PinkCarnations Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Ok you are obviously really desperate. and to be honest, this guy clearly does not like anymore, but he is obviously physically attracted enough to have sex with you on several occasions, so I guess here is a possible strategy to manipulate him into giving you a chance again.. 1) stop all contact 2) is he friends with you on facebook? If so find an event he'll be attending like at a bar, club, party. Even if you're not friends, the events might be public so you could still find out somehow? 3) show up to the event with friends, looking super nice 4) casually pretend you're surprised to see him there 5) make conversation and act totally normal but also slightly indifferent, maybe even disinterested 6) apologize for acting crazy and say, "you didnt like me, it's cool." And act like you could care less anymore 7) buy him a drink 8) seduce him Haha this Prob won't work but you don't really have any other options other than get over him, which I highly highly recommend you do. Seriously he doesn't... Like you.. And yeah you messed up and maybe that's why he doesn't like you, but it is what it is. Just take it as a lesson learned and move on 1
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I read your other thread. Oh, dear. Everyone is telling you this cannot be fixed because it can't. When anyone, male or female, tells you to stop contacting them, you have to honor that and cut them out of your life altogether. You never dated this guy. He was very clear from the beginning that he was not romanticallly interested in you, but was willing to use you for sex from time to time. You mistook ypur casual encounters for romantic interest despite his explicit statements (and actions!) To the contrary. Your theatrics quickly outweighed the benefit of sex and he dropped you. When you began pestering him he made it clear you needed to leave him alone. That's exactly what you need to do now. The world is full of men who will call you, text you sweet song lyrics, take you out on weekends and slow-dance with you on the living room when you're feeling sad. Those are the ones you want. In the future don't accept anything less than someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. And don't confuse fleeting sexual attraction for affection. 4
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 thanks PinkCarnations. I appreciate the attempt at a solution. That's a good idea, but yea, I don't know if I could work that out. Hmm... And yea, he doesn't like me because of what I did, and he does think that's just who am. It's a bummer. I wish it hadn't have happened. I just want to hit the restart button.
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 wow. thanks chimpanz! I do want those things! And, yea, that was most likely this guys game. But I just wish I knew for sure. If my actions didn't muck it up than maybe I'd know for sure. I think that's why it's bothering me so bad. Not feeling resolved, and the "what if" I really appreciated your response.
OrangeSnack Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 thanks PinkCarnations. I appreciate the attempt at a solution. That's a good idea, but yea, I don't know if I could work that out. Hmm... And yea, he doesn't like me because of what I did, and he does think that's just who am. It's a bummer. I wish it hadn't have happened. I just want to hit the restart button. We all want to hit the restart button... You just gotta let it go. The more you dwell on this the more you'll feel like ****. Just move on... 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You do know for sure. This dolt was never, ever interested in you as a girlfriend or even a casual date. No man who truly valued you would: - wait two months to meet you (he's not excited for you) - show up with his friends (proving it's not a date) - talk you into having sex (you should both want it) - ignore you - degrade you ...do I have to go on? He told you you should have been a one-night stand. He said you were just sex to him. Amd based on the way he first treated you, before you even met, it's obvious that's all he wanted from the very beginning. You aren't missing anything here. This guy never wanted you and by chasing him you made it that much worse. You are young. Most of us have a slightly crazy phase in our early twenties and learn these things the hard way. I promise you five years from now you'll barely remember this. And if you start valuing yourself you'll end up with a real man who treats you well. 2
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Thanks ChimpanZ, I guess I know that. But it seems more often than not relationships start out casual and then develop. My fear is that he is capable he just wants a girl who will hang out and be casual, low maintenance, and relaxed...and that he is gonna find that, maybe even has. And things just develop organically from there. Two months went by cause we were both busy. He showed up with his friends cuz he is really social, he even invited me to Christmas for our first date which I turned down cuz I thought that was weird. We did both want to have sex, he didn't have to talk too much. He ignored me when i was saying crazy things. He did degrade me, and that I can't really excuse besides saying that he is really kinky in bed. He was dating, or sleeping, around. Trying girls on for size. And I didn't fit. I can't help but feel if I was extraordinary I would have stood out, he would have wanted to see more and more of me. But my behavior was so unattractive he didn't want to explore it anymore. This is the perspective that makes me feel like I did miss out. I will try changing this. I would feel better if I truly thought like you do.
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 the reasons why women have a dream guy is because in reality men arent perfect and often suck quite badly......in my dreams i can fly and time warp myself all over the place..........in reality i know that isnt the case and i am not about to leap off any tall building with a cape and underpants on the outside of my pants anytime soon or pick the lucky numbers in lotto and be able to shout all my loved ones some real jamaican food...in jamaica on a beach.........but to dream it is wonderful and beautiful....but soon enough my eyes open and i am in my room again........in the same old clothes i went to bed in.....no silver white shimmering gowns for me.,...just an old t shirt and fluffy slippers...but i do have breakfast to look forward too.....maybe the smell of rain on the air.....and a good book or two a few laughs or my share of tears....i never quite predict what my day might hold..hopefully....good things...........but my dreams......they will be had another night..... you are projecting possibility onto a guy you dont know all that well....and however how much you dream his interest in you is reciprocated...it clearly isnt..however much you dream you can fix things and make it right this time round....you most likely wont be able to...because it isnt only up to you...he has a hand or two in the equation.....you are going to have to accept this as a loss and or this mindset.....if it were to be fixed ...he needs to want to do the fixing not you....and you need to let him be the one to say it instigate the fixing....and save any romance for the shelves in your dreams for now.......deb 1
Toodaloo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I need to know if I can ever get him to respect me again and to forgive me, to trust me, and simply try to start over. Stop texting. Stop mothering him by offering your company. Go out and do fun things. This one is not for you. Yes you did a silly thing and its probably not the best idea so just chalk it up and move on. Everyone makes mistakes. If he were really into you he wouldn't be backing away. If you chase the chicken it will run away if you walk away from the chicken it will follow. Let him go, stop chasing him. 1
BluEyeL Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 This man treated you so bad. He's not worth the faith. Leave him alone.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 It's sort of funny: your refusal to accept the reasonable advice that you're being given on the forum, is exactly the same behaviour that lead to you coming here in the first place. YOu won't listen to what this guy is clearly telling you ("leave me alone!") and you won't listen to what WE are clearly telling you ("leave him alone!"). While I admire your honest self-assessment of your mistakes, I fear your unwillingness to hear anyone else's assessment of your mistakes will be your continuing downfall. 3
Zahara Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Even if you get him back again, your insecurities will resurface again and blow it to bits. Your issues are deep rooted so until you fix that you'll keep self-sabotaging. And seeing that he was never really interested in you that way, chances are he's not going to revisit you because he's not going to want to go through drama again, therefore I don't think HE really cares about your need to be respected or forgiven. Plus, you stated in your other thread that you acknowledge you lack value in yourself. This man has degraded and treated you poorly and the fact that you're still trying to desperately find ways to get him to want you is indicative of how little you love yourself. Edited February 13, 2015 by Zahara 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Listen, that's exactly what I knew everyone was going to go after. What I did, my mistakes, and tell me all my problems. you don't know me, and I've had very successful relationships. This one was different for many reasons. I had insecurities about him that were planted by his friend telling me some stuff about him that made me nervous. I also got drunk and started this whole destruction. And also you must be a boy if you have no idea how birth control pills can really screw with you. Your hormones can have a huge impact on your behavior and my doctor admitted I was on a high dose that I had no business being on. I am looking for solutions here. Not a beat down, or a "this is over" forget about response. But thanks for your response nonetheless. Wrong. I am a 33-year-old woman, who has taken hormonal birth control for many years. You are making excuses for your behavior and that is part of the problem. You won't find a solution because this guy already ended it. You can't force someone to be with you. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I dated a guy for a few weeks. It was like the more he pulled away the crazier I got. Those two statements indicate to me that you may not be able to fix this. You didn't have along foundation. All he saw was the needy person so that is who he things you are.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I think we have all been in that situation at one time or another....when you really like him but it's not reciprocated. From what you wrote, it sounds like it's really over. I would move on, and don't text or contact him further. Who knows, in time perhaps he will contact you! Most men get freaked out if you constantly text/call them, especially if it's a new relationship. Try to hold back a bit and let them come to you. 2
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 men have dream girls too. and in reality we are not perfect either. there are so many different sides to me that he hasn't seen. he saw a bad one. I just feel if he saw me and we could talk that maybe he would...I don't know, forgive me and find the attraction for me again. There are so many hot chicks out there for him to choose from. He choose me for a minute and I ruined it. And I don't like guys that often. To really have great chemistry like that... and I'm not everyone's cup of tea so when a guy is into me and really seems attracted to me, it feels rare. competition is fierce and I had a guys interest for a second and I lost it. I hate myself for this. no he isn't perfect but I obviously didn't expect him to be. He has stuff to work on too. I just really really liked this guy...obviously. I've been in the dating scene a while, I know what isn't out there. Part of the reason I think he is the way he is, IS because he could have whoever he wants. He was handsome, and funny, and smart. And doesn't want anything to do with my worthless crazy ass. I just wish I could make him see me differently...the way he saw me when we first met.
Zahara Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) men have dream girls too. and in reality we are not perfect either. there are so many different sides to me that he hasn't seen. he saw a bad one. I just feel if he saw me and we could talk that maybe he would...I don't know, forgive me and find the attraction for me again. Stop projecting your view of yourself on him. You made a bad impression. There is no going back from that. But what's more important is that you left out details about him being forceful about sex and him guilting you into seeing him/having sex. There was no attraction but just the attraction to get in your pants. Why can't you see that? You seem to be romanticizing this when there was really nothing to this but sex. There are so many hot chicks out there for him to choose from. He choose me for a minute and I ruined it. And I don't like guys that often. To really have great chemistry like that... Look, everyone has great chemistry when they're tearing each other's clothes off. There has to be more than that -- respect for you? You're so consumed by the superficial. There was nothing of substance. There was no healthy chemistry but just the need to have sex. and I'm not everyone's cup of tea so when a guy is into me and really seems attracted to me, it feels rare. competition is fierce and I had a guys interest for a second and I lost it. I hate myself for this. no he isn't perfect but I obviously didn't expect him to be. He has stuff to work on too. Who cares what he has to work on. You need to work on yourself. The man guilts you for not coming over and you drop everything and go give him a blowjob to make him happy? You need to work on yourself. Guys don't have respect for women like that nor do they find them challenging or attractive. I just really really liked this guy...obviously. I've been in the dating scene a while, I know what isn't out there. Part of the reason I think he is the way he is, IS because he could have whoever he wants. He was handsome, and funny, and smart. And doesn't want anything to do with my worthless crazy ass. And you're still harping on this because he is funny, smart and handsome and you couldn't bag him. It's just your ego and the fact that you can't stand how you behaved. I just wish I could make him see me differently...the way he saw me when we first met. Which way was that? As someone to use for sex because that was what it was. This is what you're not getting. Edited February 13, 2015 by Zahara 1
Author adarling Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Ok ok. I get it. You all think I'm insecure and needy. That's definitely the way I acted. And that is how he sees me. However, with my last boyfriend I never acted this way. I think there were definite things that brought this behavior out. I've admitted I made mistakes, and wish everyone would stop pointing them out. They are obvious. And I'm not gonna take everyone's advice. Some advice is not for me. And however much I told you about the situation no one really knows what goes on between two people but the two people that were in it. And maybe I can't fix this, but maybe I can. It may take time, it may not stick, it may not be the best decision for me and I may be wasting my time, but I really feel like I need to try, because right now I have all this regret and heavy weight that this was all my fault...if we hangout again and he turns out to truly be terrible, then so be it. I just don't know how to live with myself when I've screwed up my chances of finding a great partner.
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