Ahni Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 My boyfriend broke up with me about 4 months ago. I've implemented the no contact rule, and that did us some good..But he is still very hesitant to have normal contact with me. Over the course of our break up I've deleted him from facebook, he's blocked me from his iphone, and now I've deleted whatsapp, so now our only way of talking is through email. I have done my best to give him space (hence deleting facebook and whatsapp), but have done some things that I'm not proud to admit.. After receiving an email where he explained to me that he felt I was lying to him and manipulated him, I just got in to my car and drove to his house (email just was not working for me, especially when I was being accused of things I wasnt doing). I knew I was crossing in to the 'crazy ex girlfriend territory', but talking face to face mattered more to me. we ended up having a very productive and positive conversation.. He got things off his chest, and I listened to his concerns. But the end of the conversation I asked what he wanted from me. He said that he just wanted me to forget about him, and the he wasn't going to think with his emotions anymore, and was going to use his rational thought. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship, or be with anyone and because school is his main focus then he was going to focus on that. I told him that I needed him to be direct about how that related to me, and what he wanted me to do. So he said fine.. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you". I asked him if he still loved me and he said "I don't know" When he said that it felt empty. I wasn't convinced, and it just wasn't genuine. You can tell when someone truly means when they say something like that. He didn't. I asked why it felt like he didn't mean it, and he just said "I don't know". He said that maybe in time he could see where things are, but too much stuff happened between us, and he needed to heal. Well, I laid awake all night thinking about it, and then couldn't sleep the next morning. So..I did it again, I drove to his house to talk to him before he went to class (I know, I know ) I thought, if I was awake thinking about this, then I know he is too, and he will get up in the morning upset that once again our relationship is interfering with is ability to study. So I went there, and I told him I know I shouldn't be here but I knew it would help me, and him. I told him that I knew the reason why he was having trouble studying for the last few months was because he was pushing down feelings for me and those kinds of feelings you cant just push down. He said he knows that, but is trying to think with his rational brain instead. I told him I wanted to help him study, and show him that its possible to have me around and still be productive (btw I'm 30 and he's 28). So, he said it was okay, that he was a little freaked out about me showing up to his house like this. I told him I totally understood. I was shocked that he received me so well, since we havent hung out in months. I walked him to class, went and got us breakfast, we went to his house, I set the table for him, then we studied, and then cuddled, and had sex, and had a great day. I told him that I wanted to support him, and be there for him and he just listened. We laughed a lot, talked, and acted like buds again. He said that after this exam he would be more available to hang out, too. Its been a couple days, which I know isnt much, but now im starting to have doubts because I asked him how his exam went and haven't heard back from him. I'm wondering now if this is one of those situations where he goes along with things while its in front of him because he loves me, but in the end even if it goes against his true feelings for me he has decided that he doesnt want a relationship. I realize this is a possibility, and that makes me sad. I do feel that I should do my best to try and salvage things, especailly since I'm now in a place where I can listen to him, and our interactions are great, but I also dont want to be an idiot and keep trying when its dead..His words say one thing, our interactions say another. Should I let go?
geronimo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 This is something I learnt the hard way, but like they all say, actions speak louder than words. His actions are saying that he isn't interested in you any longer, as hard as it is to hear but you have to let you, you deserve better. Any guy would be lucky to have a girl that is willing to support him through everything like you're. Trust me, I just got out of a relationship where the last thing my ex told me was that she loves me so much and cares about me and within a month she's already with another guy. It left me devastated but theres nothing I can do. When the person makes up their mind there isn't much you can do to change it. Let him live with his decision to let you go and if its meant to be he'll realize his mistake and come back to you, but don't make it so easy for him and for your own sake, try to get over it.
mightycpa Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I want you to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine that you have the same feelings you do right now, but for whatever reason, you realize that you don't want this relationship. The reason doesn't matter. The bottom line is, you love him, but you don't want to be committed to him right now. Now imagine that he won't let go. When you're with him, you feel good, you get sucked back in, but when he leaves, you go right back to that place where you know you don't want to be committed. So you don't call and you don't follow up, because you know that's what is good for you. Now, having lived the experience from that perspective, shouldn't you let him go? I think you have to take him at his word, because if he does love you like you think he does, then he must have some pretty compelling reason he's not really sharing with you. And if he doesn't love you, then you're wasting your time.
Author Ahni Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 This is something I learnt the hard way, but like they all say, actions speak louder than words. His actions are saying that he isn't interested in you any longer, as hard as it is to hear but you have to let you, you deserve better. Any guy would be lucky to have a girl that is willing to support him through everything like you're. Trust me, I just got out of a relationship where the last thing my ex told me was that she loves me so much and cares about me and within a month she's already with another guy. It left me devastated but theres nothing I can do. When the person makes up their mind there isn't much you can do to change it. Let him live with his decision to let you go and if its meant to be he'll realize his mistake and come back to you, but don't make it so easy for him and for your own sake, try to get over it. I guess so..Thats just hard to even stomach, because his actions dont match what he says. His actions say (when we are together at least recently) that he loves me, enjoys being around me, and cares for me. And what he says is a different story..But I guess the fact that he is not committing to me, and is distant also says that he isn't interested in a relationship. Thats tough, but thank you. Our relationship was rough, and I don't blame him for being distant, but I thought that maybe he could see that its possible for it to be good again.
Author Ahni Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 I want you to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine that you have the same feelings you do right now, but for whatever reason, you realize that you don't want this relationship. The reason doesn't matter. The bottom line is, you love him, but you don't want to be committed to him right now. Now imagine that he won't let go. When you're with him, you feel good, you get sucked back in, but when he leaves, you go right back to that place where you know you don't want to be committed. So you don't call and you don't follow up, because you know that's what is good for you. Now, having lived the experience from that perspective, shouldn't you let him go? I think you have to take him at his word, because if he does love you like you think he does, then he must have some pretty compelling reason he's not really sharing with you. And if he doesn't love you, then you're wasting your time. Well, I guess this is confusing for me because what I say usually matches my actions...I tried to imagine an ex boyfriend coming to me and asking what I wants from him, and what I would say...I would say exactly what I felt, and then would follow through with it. My ex boyfriend from years ago is contacting me, and I am not giving mixed signals at all. I wont be alone with him in an intimate way, because I just dont have those feelings for him like that..so, its hard to put myself in my most current boyfriends shoes.. I guess its just difficult because he has made up his mind, or at least says that he has, but his mind was made up on decisions based on miscommunications, and assumptions, and arguments that were never resolved, which we both were too upset about to clear up. The talk we had the other night cleared some of that up..and I was hoping that good communication would at least help things, but again..you're probably right. He made his decision, and if he does love me, then he will come back.
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Cuddling, hand holding and all that jazz doesn't mean he loves you. You are projecting your feelings onto him. He has a bond with you. Of course he is going to ask a bit "lovey" with you. My ex did and he wasn't in love with me.... And having to focus on school is not a good reason for him to not want to be with you sorry. If he was truly in love and wanted you badly, he'd be with you. 1
Author Ahni Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Cuddling, hand holding and all that jazz doesn't mean he loves you. You are projecting your feelings onto him. He has a bond with you. Of course he is going to ask a bit "lovey" with you. My ex did and he wasn't in love with me.... And having to focus on school is not a good reason for him to not want to be with you sorry. If he was truly in love and wanted you badly, he'd be with you. You're absolutely right, those things don't mean that he loves me at all.. Its how he treated me when we were together that showed/shows me he loves me..and I guess thats what Im having a hard time with is if those feelings actually went away, or if he is protecting himself from a relationship that was interfering with his school and future..because in all honesty I was not in a good place. Thats why Im having a hard time letting go now, because I can look back and see where I could have been a better partner. But I can see that perhaps I'm projecting my feelings on to him, Ill sit with that a bit and think about that one..He did say it wasn't about his feelings for me, but I still think thats a good thing to consider. Thank you Edited February 13, 2015 by Ahni
ZiggyZoo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) OK, here's my kinda harsh outsider take on your first post... He broke up with you four months ago. You guys had limited contact, and when he sent an e-mail that you didn't like, you went to his house to confront him in person. Yeah, you may have had a productive conversation, but it ended with him once again telling you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He flat out told you this, and said he wasn't sure if he loved you anymore, that too much had happened between you two and he needed to heal. This didn't sit well with YOU, so you go over there the next morning (freaking him out with this action) and say that you're sure HE wasn't able to sleep because YOU weren't able to sleep. You then proceed to ignore his wishes and walk him to class, make him breakfast, have sex...you see this as a wonderful day. BUT, he hasn't called in days and you're wondering what's up. If he just went along with you because you were there already and it was easier to just go along with you. If maybe he REALLY doesn't want a relationship after all, even if it goes against his true feelings for you. And finally, you say that you're finally in a place to listen to him. Then listen to him already. Re-read my first paragraph. He has told you repeatedly loud and clear that he doesn't want a relationship, that he needs to heal. This has become about YOU, and what YOU want. He has clearly shown you with his words and actions that he isn't interested. No matter how many times you say that you feel he is not responsive for whatever reason, these are all coming from you, not him. You're the one who proposed the idea that he wasn't sincere when he said he didn't care about you. You're the one who said he wasn't sleeping or studying well because of the feelings for you that he's ignoring. You're the one who said that he could study with you just fine. I don't mean to hurt you, but I think that you need to see how much of this is you making an observation, and him going along with it (verbally, anyway). You're in complete denial here, and until you get out of it, you're never going to get past this. He has told you repeatedly that he doesn't want to be with you, and has made no effort in four months to change that. Any words of "maybe later, who knows?" are just him trying to spare your feelings. So, if you really love him, then give him what he's been asking for. Give him space and time. NC is the best-TRUE NC, no e-mail or anything. You need to move on from him, he isn't your guy anymore. ETA: Oh geez, as I re-read this, it sounds a lot harsher than I intended. Please know that I'm coming from a caring place and am trying to help. I am going through a very similar situation, where I was totally projecting my feelings onto my ex and learned the very hardway that he didn't feel the same AT ALL. I just wanted to spare you having to learn it the hard way like I did. Edited February 13, 2015 by ZiggyZoo clarification 1
Diezel Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 So he says THIS: He said he didn't want to be in a relationship, or be with anyone and because school is his main focus then he was going to focus on that. And you respond with THIS? I told him that I needed him to be direct about how that related to me, and what he wanted me to do. So he said fine.. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you". I asked him if he still loved me and he said "I don't know" He pretty much had already told you the first time what he wanted. You just don't want to understand that. Should you let go? OF COURSE. His interactions say another thing because you keep showing up at his house. 1
seminoles84 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Yes, please move on. He would only grow to resent you if you force a relationship down his throat.
KBarletta Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I do feel that I should do my best to try and salvage things. I am sorry to be so blunt, there is nothing to salvage. He has told you flat out that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. You don't believe him because you don't *want* to believe him. You are projecting your feelings onto him instead of paying attention to what he does and says. Sorry it's not what you want to hear, but your best course of action is to stop contacting him and focus on yourself and your own healing. 1
Author Ahni Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Thanks for the feedback guys. Its actually really tough to just let go, since we work with each other. Thats what I meant when I said our interactions are possitive. I guess I just don't know how to let go too. It doesn't compute in my brain. I know my first step is to not work with him anymore, so lately I've been on the job hunt, interviewing and such, but its just not happening fast enough.
Diezel Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Also... stop showing up at his house. That might help too.
idoltree Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I guess I just don't know how to let go too. It doesn't compute in my brain. Ahni, you seem like you're in denial that you are broken up. You mention "us" and "the relationship" in the present day a few different times in your posts. But there is no "us" or "the relationship." I think the fact that you haven't accepted this is behind your unbalanced and disrespectful behavior. Another thing I noticed was that you don't listen to him. You mentioned about your recent meeting that you're "finally able to listen to him" but I think you're still got quite a way to go on that. Several times you presume you know what he's thinking, or that you don't have to listen to him because you know how he "really" feels. You're still not listening to him because you aren't respecting his autonomy and his right to make decisions for himself. You don't know more about him than he does. You don't have a route to how he feels that he doesn't possess. Presuming that you do is disrespectful. You also need to work on your impulse control. Showing up at his house is crazy, and you are pretty lucky he didn't call the cops. He's allowed to have boundaries with you; you're not his girlfriend anymore, but your actions are based in the fact that you think you still are. Also, you keep referencing his feelings, and that he's not being honest, and implying that his decision don't matter because of how he feels. Do you honestly think that even if he does have feelings for you it should outweigh logic and rationality? If life decisions should just be based in emotions, no one would have jobs, because we all get frustrated by them. He is using logic to say he doesn't want to be with you, despite whether or not he still has some feelings for you. You have to accept that. I think you're avoiding facing reality because you're scared of the grief that you'll feel. But you've got to let yourself go through the grieving process so you can let go. I think you're a sweet girl, but you've got to get yourself under control, especially when it comes to respecting others autonomy and your impulsiveness. I know you don't mean to be manipulative but he's right when he says that you have been. Recognize that he is separate from you, and he's allowed to make decisions for his own life. Your avoidance of those two things is where the manipulative behavior comes from. And because I know you're still attached to him, remember that letting go and grieving what is lost does not impact the future, other than making it better for you. You need to free yourself up to move on. Believe it or not, he's not your one and only and you may find yourself interested in someone else some day. Letting go doesn't mean that something can't happen in the future, but it's time to prioritize getting yourself emotionally healthy, and grieving and letting him go is an essential part of that process. Tell yourself that you will not initiate anything with him from here on out. There's nothing preventing him from getting in touch in the future, but cut yourself off cold turkey to prevent any more acting out on your part and to start putting yourself first. Edited February 13, 2015 by idoltree 2
Satu Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 He's checked out of the relationship, and for him it's over. You should let go. 2
Author Ahni Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Thanks for your advice. I've actually taken the last few week to let things settle, and let it go. I was letting him torture me, instead of seeing that I was in control of how I was dealing with it. Im feelings so much better now, thank goodness. Im not letting his 'mixed messages' confuse me anymore either, and am just letting those actions be what they are, his issue and not mine. I've let go and and its (not surprisingly) caused him to perk his ears up but Im not getting sucked in. If he wants to reconcile he knows where to find me.. So thanks again! Thanks again, and Im keeping my head up, and my thoughts in a positive direction 1
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