Simpleguy99 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Hi guys I've been lurking for the past 5 weeks just broke up with my fiancée. She dumped me cause I was controlling and I had nothing going for me, but I think there's other reasons involved anyway. We been together about 2 years, and have had many good experiences together. Happy relationships with the occasional fight here and there. Anyway she was using ice when I was dating her and I tried to make her not hang with her deadbeat ice smoking friends cause I truly cared about her. I did admit that yeah I ****ed up by sussing her email and facebook out heaps but it was to make sure she wasn't chatting to look for a score behind my back. She has lied to me on a few occasions saying she's out at her friends and I caught her hanging with these crackheads out in town.. But yeah our breakup was messy we never really sat down and have a chat or some sort of closure and I was needy and insecure for the first 3 weeks but we do that cause we just care,but no I'm establishing no contact from here on, she said leave me alone forever but I'm not sure if it was a spur of the moment thing or she actually means it. How does the no contact apply to this situation. She has grass is greener syndrome too, cause I heard she's been out and about with a few guys. But I don't think they'll be able to out do me as a lover we went on a few holidays places she's never been, stuff that average joe doesn't do. At the moment all her bad friends are pissing in her ear that I'm bad for her even her goddamn mum is out to get me cause she's more of a friend than a mother. But I do know that her old man and brother see my point of view also her good friends know where I'm coming from. I'm ok with not getting back with her it just sucks seeing someone you care about losing themselves to drugs and turning their back on you after all the experiences you've had together.
darkbloom Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I watched my ex drown himself in alcohol. That's not the person I know and I refuse to watch that train wreck. There are far better things than anything you leave behind. 1
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 I know, the person i see now was not the person I feel in love with, she did go cleaner when I was with her, I let her use in a controlled environment and I don't do that stuff. It hurts though I can't seem to build a bridge over it.
kenmore Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Welcome simpleguy!! First I'll say I won't judge her or anyone. I don't believe in that, but I do believe what you say and your feelings in the matter. Since she has a drug problem, things will be more difficult. Whether or not you decide to go NC depends on if you judge her drug usage. Realistically, it can and most likely will be a problem in your life, so if you choose to pursue her, you must remember that and live with it possibly forever. I lost my first wife to dying from alcohol, so I know how difficult it can be to watch someone you love die. She was the mother of my only blood child and I love her with all my heart to this day (eight years later.) YOU may want to judge her drug usage to determine if it will be a problem for you personally. Second, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's difficult for us all. Just know you are not alone! Finally, you seem like you love her. That's your call. Love is a wonderful thing and can bring so much happiness! It's the thing in my opinion that makes life worth living (except maybe alcohol), and I always encourage embracing it. If I can't make it work with my current wife, I WILL find someone else and soon. I can only relate my own experiences: First wife, I loved her and she loved me!! She died. Second wife, I loved her, she loved me!! She stopped loving me (if that's possible), so we're divorcing. I still like to think the jury is out about it, but really........ My point being, love can be the best thing ever or it can F*UC you! Just know that going in. This may be your chance to get away and maybe you should take it. Again, it's your choice. No matter your choice, I have your back and wish you the best!! Ken 1
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 She has said leave me alone forever, I'm just not sure if it's just a moment thing. but I still want to pursue because personally I believe this person is worth fighting for, and the connection we have is solid, yes not right now because I risk a restraining order, how long do I wait for the bad experiences to die down for me to reconnect? I'm a virgo man and she's a libra woman, if that helps you gauge our personalities. it's just do I wait for her to get bit in the ass , lose her job, get dumped, go broke.? And for her to come back eventually. This woman doesn't know how much I love her haha, I've gotten past the jealousy stage of her sleeping with other guys it's none of my business she is single, but I did consider beating up the drug dealer who is ruining her life..... Would she be feeling some sort of hurt, even though she felt relieved after dumping me cause I suffocated her with my controlling ness. All for her benefit And I am blocked on social media and my number is blocked.
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Tell me how I should tackle this. Edited February 13, 2015 by Simpleguy99
darkbloom Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Simpleguy, I wish that love could beat an addiction. It cannot. You will not be able to love her into being sober. I understand that you have a connection with her but if you plan on pursuing her, this is going to be a very painful journey for you. She has to decide on her own that she is not going to use and cannot have you as her backup plan/escape route/get away car when the **** with the drugs gets too real. Giving her a soft landing so that her usage was more 'controlled' when she was with you is an illusion. She was still using. She was still doing something you do not agree with. You were enabling her to continue in that lifestyle. No contact is going to be your best friend and it is going to help you heal.I would establish NC today and stick to it. If she contacts you, you must ignore her. Otherwise, you will be pulled into her toxic world of using and addiction. And the cycle will repeat. 1
lolablue17 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) You're hurt because of the break up, so maybe you don't see the big picture. In your relationship, she was the drug addict, and you were the decent guy who tries to "help" her, putting her way on the "right" course. You're probably a good guy and you've liked your status as "the savior angel", improving her life. You've expected her to thank you or at least appreciate your efforts. In the beginning, she probably did. But at some point she felt inferior compares to you. You were the one who decides whats wrong and whats right. You were the one who knew which people she is allowed to hang out with and which she isn't. So she started lying to you, and eventually she understood what you refuse to understand - She wants to feel good and equal so she will hang out with people who doesn't judge her, and a boyfriend who will tell you how great she is, instead of criticizing her and telling her how to behave. You need a girl who believes in the same moral values as you. She is not the right one for you, and you are not the right for her. She's sensed it before you, and I think you should just let go, overcome your hurt ego and move on. Edited February 13, 2015 by lolablue17 1
Chi townD Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You must be from Australia because they're the only group of folks that use the word "heaps" from my experience and travels. Well, there's and old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can make them drink. If she was being deceitful and still hanging with her crackhead friends, you can control that. And if she viewed you as controlling and if that control revolved around getting her away from that crap and getting her clean, then I can think up about 100 things worse you could have be controlling over. Time to move on dude. The pull of the drug and the drug scene is too strong for her. And you can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped. Sucks to say that. But, it is what it is. You need to start worrying about yourself. Heal up from this and start making positive changes in your life.
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Haha yes I am from aus, Lola my ego isn't hurt I'm freely able to move on, and find someone else better. The thing that holds me back is seeing someone you care about spiralling downwards, that is what ****en hurts and holds me back . I guess maybe she isn't right for me and I am not right for her, I don't care if we get back together or not. IMO I think I'm mr down the track when you're older and the party scene is just bland and boring. Maybe she isn't ready to be committed, it sucks too cause I heard she sold the engagement ring for her fix... And act some people seem as unforgivable but that's material stuff. , I hope one day when she does sober up she realises how good she got it, I've never laid a single finger on her.
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Dark life is pain they say, of course i won't be there to pick her up, when she's comes back even if we had a second go I would set boundaries this time, yeah, drugs are toxic I've been exposed to it as my friend who is in jail sells it. I thought it was karmas way of biting me in the ass to date an addict user. But tbh it may sound sick but I loved the happy times and the horrible fights, a relationship without fights would just be to plain you know?.. I don't know how to explain it, she would always anger me and I'd be pretty angry for 10 minutes and then she'd make a joke and then I'd smile and talk again, I loved the feeling of being from one extreme to another. yes I will be implementing no contact. But I do have a question does leave me alone forever actually mean it or they are just hurt and emotional? Do you think she would feel hurt if she broke my heart... Or drug users don't feel **** until they come back down to earth..
dumbass2 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 "does leave me alone forever actually mean it or they are just hurt and emotional?" What it clearly means is that right now she wants you to leave her alone. That means do not try to be in her life in any way. You said you are the controlling type and you need to back completely away from her. She is a drug user. Sounds like she enjoys it and you do not. Not a good match in my opinion. You are trying to fix her and get her away from friends you perceive to be bad for her. That's you, not her. She doesn't want fixing. You accept her for her she is or have nothing to do with her. To me, drug use is a deal breaker and if I meet someone and find I really like them and find out they use, then it is bye bye. Usually something that comes out pretty early in the dating cycle and to me, is not worth trying to get someone to stop. They need to on their own. Same thing if someone smokes. Accept them for that or have nothing to do with them. Addictions are hard to break.
mightycpa Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 That is one very unhappy girl. That's why she's doing the drugs. She's missing something from her life, or she's avoiding something, and either way, the drugs help her not think about it. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad about watching someone piss their life down the toilet. But you're not her father or her brother. So, don't watch it, either in real life, or in your mind. Plus, you can't really help her until she helps herself, so you should clear yourself from this, don't you think?
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 I'm going no contact until she has learnt her lesson, and see what that the drug scene isn't all that it may take years but, I'm not going to wait around. I do hope someday I get that satisfaction when they do come crawling back and said I ****ed up I'm sorry, you were a good person just trying to look out for me and I took your controlling behaviour in a negative sense, and it was just for my benefit. hahahaha till that day comes but I'll never hope for it, just wait and see I guess. People need to learn the hard way.
kenmore Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 IMO I think I'm mr down the track when you're older and the party scene is just bland and boring. Maybe she isn't ready to be committed, it sucks too cause I heard she sold the engagement ring for her fix... Ya, that does not sound good. I'm sorry for your situation but the other posters here make a lot of sense. It will always be your call what you do and hers what she does, but your situation has the potential to cause you great pain! As much as I dislike NC as a general rule, it seems appropriate for you especially since you mentioned a restraining order? Did she threaten that? Since you are not married and I assume there are no children involved, it may just be a good time to count your blessings. Sorry dude! That's how it looks from the outside. Ken
Author Simpleguy99 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Theres no restraining order, yet but i feel it will be on the verge if i push too hard. No she hasnt but she definitely needs her space. We aren't married but she told me she never intended to get married or settle down, until she met me, all her friends and family know shes would prefer to be a lone wolf and never settle down. =] the love of my life is this woman, it may seem that i view her as the only one for me but that isnt the case, i can see any other women if i really want. Yes it does cause me great pain but true love causes you great pain and great happiness. In sickness and in health remember . So far, ive been pretty upbeat and happy, with my alone time trying to recentre my energy. I've decided to take a stepback from the situation and let the universe play its course, maybe she will realize that these so called friends are just people who are using her. (they are enablers) Her father did contact me the other day and asked how i was going and coping, i said well and i thanked him for his hospitality. He told me "son move on, she isnt in the right head space and, she has to learn herself, she doesnt deserve you to be blunt". I told ofcourse but you dont know how much i love your daughter i will be by herside even if she was on her deathbed or going to hospital for her eating disorder i will be there. (whilst crying on the phone)
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