truncated Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Can't help it, always have been, always will be. And that is the result of my primal wound of being an adopted child rejected at birth, then multiple times again and again by mother, father, family, birth family, and countless men in between. A sad, sad record skipping and playing the same tune over and over and over again. And I know this, I intellectually understand this in an extremely complex way and yet, I find myself falling into the same situations and traps, and before I know it I am emotionally in it and it is a done deal and I can't stop how I feel. I have tried.... with alcohol, with drugs, with food and exercise, and countless other things but the thoughts and feelings do not stop. So what do I do now then? Kill myself I guess, and believe me I have contemplated that on many occasions.... Gett some therapy, and stop self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, exercise and romantic relationships. Until you do, you'll forveer be the the carousel of pain and heartache. Yes, it will hurt to afe your demons, yes it will be exhausting, but it will be well worth it. 1
truncated Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 A little background on me. I have been through a hellish 3 years such that in this space of time these events happened to me in succession... - elderly adopted mother passed away - elderly father sells favorite son his family home for 2/3rds the price of the house and screws over his daughters, huge rift in family now, and not speaking with either siblings - separated from husband - got fired from my job - had a body lift tummy tuck that resulted in a wound dehiscence and a 6month wound vac, and 2 week post-op bilateral pulmonary embolism that almost killed me and landed me in hospital for a week. - 4 days out of hospital with my wound vac attached, flew on a plane with 3 kids and 3 dogs back to Toronto away from my ex-husband doing a major house and city move. - then during an Easter visit with my birth mother and father, my borderline personality drug addict birth sister punched me in the face 5 times landing me in hospital and bloody and black and blue for 2 months. All because she felt my two special needs sons, one with autism and the other with ADHD ruined her weekend... -a week later my birth parents called and told me they were going no contact with me, even though I was the victim since they were supporting my insane birth sister and her illegitimate baby from her convict boyfriend as she had a restraining order on her not to be near me.... Lost all that family. - have a crisis, drunken breakdown one summer night that lands me in hospital, all while kids are away 6 weeks visiting their father and results in Children's Aid investigating and causing havoc and stress like the Stazi agency they are for 6 months until I get file closed. - go with kids to visit adopted sister at trailer park, now adopted brother has segued equity from parents house to buy himself a brand new $100,000 trailer and a bigger trailer lot.... Huge fight again that weekend with siblings, and adopted sister calls Children's Aid, saying all kinds of lies but am able to prove fitness and file never opened. That formally ends all connections and relationship with any of my siblings in that family. - meanwhile throughout all this, spend a year trying to find a job, 6 months without any and in desperate financial straits. Then land one, and working full time. - all while getting my eldest son with autism the support and programs he needs to cope and our family the help we need. - coping with alcohol becomes alcoholism and gets out of hand with a weeklong bender and I enter myself in an outpatient withdrawal program and become a regular at my neighbourhood AA meetings. - recently school calls Children's Aid again about boys lunches. Once again file not opened when evidence I show that my special needs boys have severe eating issues and are currently being followed by a paediatrician every 2 months and a nutritionist not to mention my regular attendance at parenting workshops at the Autism centre. Will this never end? Oh, and so amongst all this in enters my lover, caring, understanding, a good friend, and ear to talk to, and unbelievable and amazing sex. We talk and/or email every day.... His is my boyfriend, and I fall madly and passionately in love with him except for this one little problem....he has a live in GF and is loathe to leave. And well you know the rest, she finds out and I hear no more from him.... And so comes my most recent black cloud.... - devastation and pain from unrequited love and no contact from lover.... And no wonder I think about ending it all sometimes? This is too much.... Way way too much for anyone. But I am resilient as I stated and am dealing with it. So that is my story... I know you, and some others, may not like to hear this but SOME (not all) of this drama is self created. The binge drinking, the getting involved in an affair, spenidng time with family who you know enjoy conflict. Yes your life is difficult, and for that I have emapthy for you, but it also seems like you blame others for an awful lot of your heartache. I'm sorry you had children's aid looking into your life, but come on, a drinking binge that was so bad you ended up in hospital, and that's their fault. Should just ignore it when a mom with special needs kids drinks so much she needs to be hospitalized? You also menioned that you've had issues in the past with drugs. How much dad that play a role in their investigation? 1
Author Zaghareet Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) I know you, and some others, may not like to hear this but SOME (not all) of this drama is self created. The binge drinking, the getting involved in an affair, spenidng time with family who you know enjoy conflict. Yes your life is difficult, and for that I have emapthy for you, but it also seems like you blame others for an awful lot of your heartache. I'm sorry you had children's aid looking into your life, but come on, a drinking binge that was so bad you ended up in hospital, and that's their fault. Should just ignore it when a mom with special needs kids drinks so much she needs to be hospitalized? You also menioned that you've had issues in the past with drugs. How much dad that play a role in their investigation? Firstly the crisis I had was not due to binge drinking, I was drinking, but my crisis was that I was suicidal and was having an emotional breakdown. I waited to do this until my kids were safely in the care of their father. And was transferred to ER due to concern of my selfharm on the part of the police. Children's Aid involvement was due to concern over my breakdown and to make sure I was not going to self harm and endanger the children if I should succeed. After 6 months and proof that I was stable, in therapy, working full time, they were happy to close the file. I have never used drugs except for a party or two in university years ago. When I say using drugs to cope, I am talking about prescription medication of anti-depressants and lorazepam.... Now I am on nothing. Yoga and dance my therapy methods, along with AA meetings and psychotherapy. I am a disgusting health nut.... No drink, no drugs, no smoking, and now no sex either. And as for family.....yes they suck and they are and have done terrible things, but they are family and I was needing support and they were my obvious choices.... They proved unworthy and now I don't see them. But I spent time with family because I loved them , and telling me I shouldn't is just asinine. You are a judgemental, and unhelpful person, please refrain from reading and responding to any of my threads as I am not interested in your ignorant and Judgemental remarks quite frankly.... I neither invited nor wanted any of these bad things that have happened these past few years, but they did, and the fact that I am coping, thriving and moving forward is a testament to what an amazing and resilient and resourceful woman and mother I am... Many would have cracked long ago.... Not me. Edited February 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Minnie09 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Hugs, op. I feel for you. Your life seems very complicated and difficult, and it's completely understandable that you cling to a man who makes you feel good about yourself and who distracts you. You put all your hope in that relationship and then he lets you down. You have so much on your plate that I don't even recommend distracting yourself by online dating. This usually helps. Find somebody else to consume your thoughts. Your situation seems different, though. Too much to deal with. Another guy would just be one more chore. One more thing to do. I don't know. It's hard to focus on yourself and how to change your life for the better, if there's so much going on. I think structuring your thoughts and daily activities might help. Just to get started. Write it all down. To do lists. Appointments. Check each item when it's done. And try to change your focus to what needs to be done on a day-to-day basis. That might keep you busy and change your mindset. Just a thought.......I wish you well.
Rainbowlove Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I'm not blaming you in anyway. I do have to agree with Truncated to a degree. Your family issues didn't just suddenly appear when your birth sister punched you in the face 5 times, nor did it just appear when your dad sold the house to his son and then people stopped talking to people. This family is dysfunctional now and probably has been for a long, long time. With that said, you'v probably been hanging on to them hoping they would just love you the right way and support you and validate you as a human. It appears they could not. So perhaps by hanging on to the notion that they could give you what you needed from them, allowed them to disrespect you again and again in your life finally causing physical and emotional anguish. I'm guessing they also were not the best role models for successful and healthy relationships. Now that you are no contact with them, stay no contact. They do not seem like healthy people for you and your kids to be around. I understand this kind of familial drama. It took me about 43 years to finally cut all ties with my parents b/c I eventually realized they had nothing to offer me except pain and confusion. They were negatively impacting my life and overall well-being. I wish you strength and peace and healing...
Selfish Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 It depends what a person wants. To be coddeled and have everyone agree with them. To have lots of pity and "you poor thing". Or does the person want to be challenged by different ideas and persepctives. Do they want to face hard truth and make positive changes. That often tells a lot about how hard a person is going to work on making their life better. Back to being suicidal. You say your not but you actually threatened suicide in your posts here. Was that to guilt people who said things you didn't like. Or is it true? Because I think even mentioning it is a sign of being suicidal and you should not ignore that. You should seek help for that.
Author Zaghareet Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 It depends what a person wants. To be coddeled and have everyone agree with them. To have lots of pity and "you poor thing". Or does the person want to be challenged by different ideas and persepctives. Do they want to face hard truth and make positive changes. That often tells a lot about how hard a person is going to work on making their life better. Back to being suicidal. You say your not but you actually threatened suicide in your posts here. Was that to guilt people who said things you didn't like. Or is it true? Because I think even mentioning it is a sign of being suicidal and you should not ignore that. You should seek help for that. I never threatened suicide ever, what I said was that it has crossed my mind. And that is the truth, at times it crosses my mind, in my darkest moments. It does not mean I am making plans or acting on it. That does not mean I am suicidal, they are thoughts - dark thoughts. What I do have is PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) which means that generally when I PMS, and am going through challenging times, I tend to go to a darker place and I do "think" about it. But this is something I have been dealing with for years now even before my AP came into the picture. He was actually a huge support to me, and understood my challenges as his mother suffers from much the same. And what I was hoping for here, and clearly unable to receive it would seem, is some understanding and insight into my situation with my AP. What I appear to be getting are people making judgemental and sweeping comments about me and my life that are not only unhelpful, but upsetting to me and making me feel even worse, such that I am questioning whether this whole forum is even worthwhile, and more toxic than therapeutic. Like a rabid pack of dogs, salivating at the chance to rip me to shreds..... I don't want your opinion of my life, I want you to listen and understand the context from which I am dealing with and coping with my breakup that I am finding so devastating and painful. I am tired, and sad and exhausted and frustrated and missing him so much. Desperately wanting to talk to him but I can't because he is gone and it feels like a death to me. And telling me I have only done it to myself, and I bring on my own drama, and just stop doing that is really not that ****ing helpful thank you very much..... Because I am still crying my eyes out every night and think about him everyday....
Selfish Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 So what do I do now then? Kill myself I guess, and believe me I have contemplated that on many occasions.... This is a suicide threat. So either you were being flippant or you really mean it. I still think you need some serious professional help. Help that encourages you to make positive choices in your life not the toxic ones you currently make. Help that makes you strong enough to not need a man in your life. To be strong enough to not need a lying cheating scumbag who stabbed his girlfriend in the back to be with you and then stabbed you in the back to stay with her. You have posted you think he is a loser but you miss him and love him. What do you want? Do you want him back or do you want to be free of him? Grieving a lost relationship happens. But dont sit around doing nothing, taking advice encouraging you tk be a better person the wrong way (no one has told you you are evil or called you names. You are projecting that on people telling you to tAke action and make better choices) it is your attitude and your state of being a victim that is holding you back. Sometimes we will feel terrible about ourselces when we don't get the hand holding and coddeling. I felt like **** after cheating. I was being a terrible person. My husband felt like **** after being cheated on. He was the innocent victim. But I made choices, hard choices, and slowly got my life together (it took a long time too but nothing changed until I made the changes). My husband didn't want to be a hapless victim who stays down because someone else (me) betrayed him. So even if yourself more like my husband, the victim, and less like me, the person who only had herself to blame, the course to recovery appears the same. Yeah you may need to have a good cry from time to time. But making positive changes and taking positive action and control over your life will ultimately win the battle. 2
Pretywoman Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 In November his calls were getting less. We talked almost everyday. Just that in November he got distant and there were some days we were not in contact. And now its been nearly 3 months. Yesterday I sent him an e-greeting lunar new year wish thru email. He has yet to see the email. I am just not sure how i feel after he reads it. Anyway hope all goes well.
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