neowulf Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 We broke up about 7 months ago. I still think of her often. I wonder how she's going. How her family is. I wonder if she's doing ok. I still care for her. I know we weren't a great match, but I miss her friendship, her thoughts, her company. We were good together in a lot of ways. She was such a great person. Is it selfish to still care? To accept that things didn't work out, but still actually *care* about another person. I think about calling her. Not because I want her back romantically, but because I miss her. I know it'd probably just make things worse for her, so I don't. So much sadness over the endless goodbyes. Two years spent investing, caring. Two years of getting to really know someone, their family, their friends. All gone. Other people just seem to shrug this stuff off, but it stays with me. All the wonderful people I've known, now gone from my life. I wish letting people go was easier. I wish I didn't still care.
Satu Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 The wounds heal, but sometimes a scar remains. 1
Author neowulf Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 The wounds heal, but sometimes a scar remains. Sometimes it feels like I'm running out of clean patches to wear new ones... 2
Satu Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Sometimes it feels like I'm running out of clean patches to wear new ones... Yeah, I know the feeling. 1
Satu Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 It's no surprise that you feel like that just seven months after the split. You're still in the acute reaction phase. All I can offer you is good wishes, so I do. Take care, and I wish you peace. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 If you're afraid of loss, then you'll always want to cling onto the past. It's not about her or her family or her friends... it's about you. There's 6 billion people on this earth, and each of them is different from the last... imagine going out into this earth and meeting and striking up a conversation with a stranger... you will find their stories fascinating. Go reconnect with your own friends and make new friends. I can promise you the emptiness your ex left will be filled with much joy over new friendships. 2
The Poster Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Hang in there man. I know it's tough. I'm a very kind soul who cares too much about people and I'm very emotional and sensitive. I love those qualities in myself, but it can be a curse sometimes too. It does leave me open for pain and heartache but I'm not changing who I am because this is me and I do love who I am. 4
Author neowulf Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 It's no surprise that you feel like that just seven months after the split. You're still in the acute reaction phase. All I can offer you is good wishes, so I do. Take care, and I wish you peace. Appreciate it. Thanks for stopping by. 1
Author neowulf Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) If you're afraid of loss, then you'll always want to cling onto the past. It's not about her or her family or her friends... it's about you. There's 6 billion people on this earth, and each of them is different from the last... imagine going out into this earth and meeting and striking up a conversation with a stranger... you will find their stories fascinating. Go reconnect with your own friends and make new friends. I can promise you the emptiness your ex left will be filled with much joy over new friendships. How do you overcome the fear of loss? People are all unique. They can't be replaced. Just going out and meeting new people doesn't fill the hole. It's just more to lose down the road. I think if I'd only dated casually, it probably wouldn't have bothered me as much, but I've had too many relationships. Too many involved, deep, invested relationships. How can you invest so much in something and not feel a deep loss when it's gone. Perhaps it's a symptom of my depression, but sometimes all my mind see's is what I stand to lose. Making new connections doesn't feel like a blessing. It's just more opportunities to be left alone again. Like building a house over and over, only to watch it burn down and have to sift through the ashes again. Objectively and rationally I know that's dysfunctional thinking. But knowing that doesn't seem to change how I feel. I know there are no easy answers. I'm not expecting solutions in this thread, nor discounting the advice. I've just been struggling this week. Just a rough week. Edited February 13, 2015 by neowulf 1
xpaperxcutx Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 How do you overcome the fear of loss? People are all unique. They can't be replaced. Just going out and meeting new people doesn't fill the hole. It's just more to lose down the road. I think if I'd only dated casually, it probably wouldn't have bothered me as much, but I've had too many relationships. Too many involved, deep, invested relationships. How can you invest so much in something and not feel a deep loss when it's gone. Perhaps it's a symptom of my depression, but sometimes all my mind see's is what I stand to lose. Making new connections doesn't feel like a blessing. It's just more opportunities to be left alone again. Like building a house over and over, only to watch it burn down and have to sift through the ashes again. Objectively and rationally I know that's dysfunctional thinking. But knowing that doesn't seem to change how I feel. I know there are no easy answers. I'm not expecting solutions in this thread, nor discounting the advice. I've just been struggling this week. Just a rough week. You overcome it by just being happy. I can understand where you are coming from, and I can understand your position. I have been with my ex for 3 years and he left me for someone else. The breakup happened just this past weekend. I actually did the begging and pleading and even made him choose me over the new girl, but guess what? All I got from him was just a " leave me alone!". I cried. But in the end, I'm the only person hurting. I don't want to play victim anymore. I started looking at sites about letting go and being happy. I even choose to be around my friends. In fact, I see all my friends everyday; I speak to them not only about my situation, but I also try to show them I care by asking them about their day. And every time, I smile and interact with them, I feel more happy. I am happy, I am free, and there's so much more possibilities than before. You need to start smiling, start saying hi to people, start just interacting with everybody around you. Go to Starbucks and start chatting up the baristas. Call up an old friend and ask them out to dinner. I'm not suggesting you date, but if you are ready, meet the people you think have the possibility for long-term relationships with. And when you have conversations with them, ask them questions you are really curious about. I can tell you, I haven't been a people person in a long time, especially when in my relationship, I felt like my ex held me back from meeting and getting to know people. This is for yourself. Memories are supposed to be memories. You have to be positive; and if you really want your ex back, don't you think you attract them back better when you are more positive?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 P.S. I get depression myself, and that's why I'm seeing a therapist. I explained to him my situation; I even cried and wasted half a box of tissue. Guess what he told me? It's normal to be sad because a breakup is supposed to make me sad. But I need to focus on myself. I felt like a lot of stuff he told me, especially the way he spoke, was very monotonous. I didn't felt like he helped me at all. But when I really thought about it, who's gonna care about me except me? Your ex obviously isn't thinking about you. So why are you making yourself sad over her?
Author neowulf Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I hear what you're saying and appreciate the advice. I'm sorry for your own sorrows. Breakups are always painful to go through. My depression isn't situational depression sadly. I been diagnosed with Dysthymia, a low grade, chronic form of depression. The medication I'm now on to manage the depression has done much to alleviate my sadness, but in doing so, it's blunted my ability to feel emotions like joy. It is sometimes very difficult to 'choose to be happy', but I continue to work on it. After doing a 2 year dance through different medications, it appears the current regime is the best I can do for now. I don't want my ex back. I understand the reasons we didn't work out. I accept them. But I feel her absence. If you lost a close friend, would you forget they ever existed? Would you never think of them? Or miss them? Or worry for them? If that's the case, did they ever really matter to you at all? People often talk about "love", but I wonder sometimes if it doesn't mean different things to different people. I don't forget the people I've loved and cared for. My ex was sick for a year with fibromyalgia. I had her stay with me, I took care of her. When she was in pain, I'd drive to the chemist late at night to get her medication. When her back cramped, I'd get her heat packs and massage her till she felt better. She did nothing wrong. I'm not angry with her for the breakup. I don't feel resentment, only sadness that things didn't work out the way we'd hoped. She wasn't horrible to me. She was kind and loving. We just were incompatible in ways we couldn't work around. I know thinking of the memories doesn't help me, but they come anyway. Perhaps I just need more practice at trying to clear my mind. Something to think about. Thanks for sharing your story and the advice. Edited February 13, 2015 by neowulf
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