BluEyeL Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Read Jess McCann's book "you lost him at hello", it might help. The idea is to keep a man around long enough for him to get to know you and for you to get to know him. Also, working on yourself. People use these words "work on yourself" and usually I dismissed them as cliche. Eventually, I started to really "work on myself". For example I would wake up and tell myself good things about myself. Every day. Also counting my blessings every day and always trying to get away from negative thoughts. Meditation daily. I would wake up 30 minutes earlier and imagine, and really really get into it, the life I wanted to have, the love I wanted to live.. Eventually, it came true. These days, when I tend to be whiny about something small in my relationship and be tempted to sabotage it by complaining about nonsense, I remind myself that I am living the dream I had and I quickly let go. Truth is ,there is no recipe, but improving yourself is always possible, in all areas of life, including dating skills and outlook on life, in ways that will bring you more happiness and love.
Leigh 87 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) You can get a guy into you.... I can too - it is called, and I hate to say it: the more undesirable men who have less options because they are obese, have really bad teeth or are generally unpleasant to look at. I have had some decent men into me alright - but I was just not attracted to them. Not many women can get the decent men with options to be into them. You need a great smile and to be beautiful in the face. Average bodies are fine, it is all in the face that lights the fire in a guys heart plus the right chemistry. The way a plain/cute woman gets a normal quality man who she is attracted to into her is through TIME - you hang out with them in a setting such as college, a club or through mutual friends. They won't be into you instantly because you probably don't have the level of physical beauty that makes a guy into you in the way in which ninjainpyjamas was into his two "gorgeous" ladies. If you want a guy YOU like, to be into you, it takes time; it wont be instant, there wont be mutual fireworks and he will have to fall for you as a person over some time. THEN he will start falling for you slowly. I am afraid the only men who are into a woman from the get go are undesirable and have no options to begin with. As for the tiiiiiny portion of women who can get a DECENT, normal quality guy to fall for them fast and hard - and feel "into them" from date one, these women are the minority. We don't get fireworks or instant sparks with the one we end up with. maybe 2% of couples were both into each other at the get go and felt an instant mutual attraction. The men we end up with aren't "into us", they aren't " infatuated with us" but they grow into us over time... they fall for our personalities rather than feeling instantly smitten. OR, alternatively, WE settle for the guys who are into US, who WE are not at all into, and we grow to find them attractive. We will never feel butterflies too much, but they will be head over heels for us at least even if we have a little passion missing from our side of the fence... I opt to be single since I don't poses the level of physical attraction that is required to make normal, decent and cute looking men, to be "into me" on a first date. And I will never accept a slow burn type of relationship, where the guy is like " meh she is a friendly nice girl" and then they have to "grow" to find me attractive and skip the infatuation part. I don't want to skip the infatuation stage. I have felt sparks and fireworks/ chemistry with men who date me for a while and tell me they have never felt that level of connection before -they ACT into me..... only to decide to, well, STOP dating me! Could it be that these men felt we were incompatible? Perhaps. Another option - I felt fireworks with them but they were just " meh she was sort of hot" and lied out their teeth that they had " never felt a connection like this before" and I likely projected just how "attracted" and "into me" the guy was. I would like to think the last guy I was into... That we had instant fire works and he WAS surely into me. But then a few weeks later he deemed us incompatible/ said he was moving back overseas all along but wanted us to make a go of it because he really, really liked me and couldn't help but try to give things a shot. ...more than likely though - he thought meh whatever, he may have been very attracted but I am sure I would have imagined some ground breaking chemistry that I felt but he did not. I have no idea if I have ever had a guy into me in my entire life - bar the men I find physically unattractive who I didn't give a chance to because, well, I don't want a relationship badly enough to settle for a compassionate style of relationship. I need a high degree of passion and some compatibility and comfort (enough to work long term but it doesn't have to be the most compatible guy I have ever dated, just enough for a pleasant relationship). So I wish I could make men into me. Short of weight loss and a nose job I never probably will make normal, desirable men into me until they get to know me as a person and "slowly" grow to find me attractive over months. I make no apologies for wanting to hold out for a guy who is into me in the way ninjainpyjamas was into HIS loves. I need the guy to fall for me fast and to have great sexual chemistry with me from the get go. You may never find a man who is into you in the way ninja was into his first two loves - but you will definitely find a man who grows into you over a lot of time, most marriages start out this way, where one partner isn't into the other initially or sometimes they were both never romantically geared towards each other until they fell for each others personalities; most relationships are compassionate and not passionate. Edited February 16, 2015 by Leigh 87
Larry56 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Maybe you just don't know the secret to making a man (the ones you like) feel like a man. I once had this very plain Asian girl tell me "I never realized how strong you are Larry". Instant boner. She was never my type and I wasn't attracted to her before that. Maybe that's where your screwing up by being so tame and "mysterious". I have this funny feeling women today have been totally duped by the bull**** feminism and their mothers (who lived through the 60s and 70s) are telling them which is; You don't need to show any value to snag a man. You go girl! A man is lucky breathe the air around you. #allthesingleladies
Leigh 87 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I think me and the OP simply want a guy who instantly finds us attractive and he feels excited about seeing us again after the first date. I don't think we are asking too much. We would rather have a guy who meets us and is too excited about us that he doesn't need to continue dating others. As opposed to a guy who says yeah that girl is ok nothing special but she's a nice person and I'd like to date her while I explore my other options. I know men who meet their partners and who lose interest in other women the day they meet them. I want a man to be into me in every sense of the word and I think the OP is trying to ask HOW to go about that..... I think it's about personal style, how attractive a guy finds you and the sort of person you are. 1
Beautiful Kisses Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 You can't make a man fall for you and feel passionate about you in that deep-down way, that's why those men keep leaving in the end. You can only do certain things that tantalize him and gain his interest. Most women do that by playing games with men, appearing to be unavailable or disinterested, giving the guy the impression that she holds a magic lock and maybe he holds the magic key, never really giving him the opportunity to have her she just teases him and pulls away...she's two steps ahead of him while he's just blindly chasing, wondering what is behind that mysterious lock that he imagines is a room full of his wildest dreams. It's a fantasy he chases, but once he gets to know the real woman, the real human-being...the chase and mystery is over, once she opens herself, shows her true vulnerability and weaknesses as a human being then she is no longer on this pedestal that this guys got to chase and seek after...she's no longer perfect, she's just a normal girl with normal problems, that he happened to be really infatuated with in the beginning because of her sex-appeal, beauty and vagina. And that's the fking truth right there. You don't get long-term passion out of those short-burst whirlwind romances, because those are exactly what they are. You need to be able to transition into a deeper more significant bond, and that has to happen naturally but also with being open, communicative and sharing to the other person about the real person you are underneath what the world and "strangers" get to see. The reality is many women and men are emotionally unavailable, it's why they play these push and pull games, get into something deep and heavy and then back up. It's not just the man who is not available, women like these men too because within themselves they are not ready and don't feel pressured by being with men like this...they know they'll never have to open those deep emotional doors with these kinds of partners, they just indulge in the sweetness of the whirlwind romance, but that doesn't necessarily translate into love if you are not open and ready for it to go there...and both people need to be on the same page for that, love is the real risk...whirlwind romances not so much. Unfortunately aware or not, many people make relationships out of them and then they just slowly deteriorate and fall apart in time. But it's not any better with the people who make relationships out of friendships or slowly over time, those are relationships that are more based on comfort, companionship and what they feel safe in trusting...because it's always easier being with someone you aren't really head over hills in-love with. So those people tend not to know what they are capable of on the emotional level...relationships are just kind of these mildly emotional enhanced friendships that they try to tell themselves that this is what love is and feels like...which is easy to say in that kind of a relationship, everything can look perfect. IMO the key to making people fall in love with you, is being confident in who you are, knowing what you want and not needing validation from others. It's about being comfortable in your own skin, expressing how you feel, doing what you do because that's who you are and you're not exactly afraid to be who you are even if it doesn't follow some kind of predictable or accepted path. The problem with that, is dysfunctional people with major issues want someone who is going to accept them for all the "broken pieces" that they have, and basically put them back together again. You have to have to have good self-awareness and realize when you're doing something out of dysfunction or personal issues...because the problem is people do things like that and think it's about them when it's really about their issues. So they end up finding themselves in very similar situations over and over expecting the same unrealistic expectations...and it takes them a very long time to figure it out or they never do for their entire lives. So when it comes to love, there are two layers...your own personal issues and how that influences you, and what you're actually sharing and experiencing with the other person. Sadly, most people are stuck in their own bubble with their own personal issues, rather than it really having anything to do with "love". It's complicated unfortunately and there are no simple answers...people want 12 step programs to love, but there's a lot of self-growth, reflection and awareness that needs to be developed, because each time you go through those changes and become more enlightened and aware...you realize what you were chasing before really wasn't what you really wanted or need, and not even love itself in how you saw it to be..rather than just some kind of acceptance. So this post might be of very little use to...sorry! Wow, I read all of your post which is very well said, spoken and thought out. I wish everyone on this site was as nice, but straight forward as you instead of trying to condemn people just for feeling the way they feel or doing things that they may not necessarily do. Thank You!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 How to make a guy "into" you? Have sex with them... Duh 1
Author thecrucible Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Thanks Everyone. Update!: I am thinking I am definitely the type to let things develop and grow past first impressions. However I also intuitively know when something just isn't right and won't go anywhere. I can't be mean to the last guy because I wasn't showing any interest either...well I was but I just wasn't feeling the romance, which I don't blame him for...Next time I'll try and show up more on dates and ask more questions with an open-mind. I know I've failed myself and the guy this way before. With this guy I failed because I didn't give it more time to develop. I drew conclusions too quickly and I wish I hadn't disrupted it too quickly and given it more time. The guy was also not very experienced romantically which I don't judge him for, but I think this is why the dynamic was off for me. I think I am used to dating more experienced people as I wasn't giving him the reassurances he needed. I don't think he knew when to make a move and I'm the sort of girl who isn't afraid to make a move but it doesn't feel very feminine to me and it also makes me feel like a tease if I'm sitting on the fence about the guy. I usually see lack of relationship experience as a dealbreaker as I like guys with more life experience. I'm not going to cement it as a dealbreaker still...but I just realised that a younger me would have gone for that guy big time. But older me finds it harder to relate to a guy whose relationship experiences differ that much to my own. It's weird. I have changed as a person. In a way I don't feel bad because I learn more by failing than I do by inaction. And reading people's responses, I'm getting closer to figuring out where I'm going wrong. I think the tame and mysterious nature isn't going to cut it. And maybe I can still come across as emotionally strong without being completely stoic and difficult . I need to add a little warmth to my persona. I struggle to show warmth because I worry about being fake/a tease. I never waste a guy's time by going on a date if I don't really like him. The trouble is when you go on a date with someone you met online...You can never predict the chemistry. I looked up the Jess McCann and I'm going to order a copy and read it. I've decided to take a break from dating for the next 2 weeks to one month as important stuff is happening and stuff is piling up at work and I have job interviews and ahh well I just want to conquer that first. I think I'd value the time to reflect. 1
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 It's really a connection that happens on both ends. Perhaps you just haven't met the right guy?
Author thecrucible Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 It's really a connection that happens on both ends. Perhaps you just haven't met the right guy? Aw maybe...I didn't really connect with him. I hold myself fully accountable because I made a huge mistake in not being able to open up and be receptive to his advances. Aargh I just feel really bad right now that it didn't work out with that guy. He's a decent person but decent guys hardly fall for me :/ I mainly get attention from guys who want something casual. And the fact he said I acted a bit like a little girl. I don't know what he meant but it makes me feel like decent guys see me and think 'no way'. I don't have a permanent job, I can't drive and I'm 25. I'm convinced that I'm horribly flawed when it comes to attracting good guys. I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be in life after graduating university. Eurgh this is hopeless. I just want to meet a guy who'll take me seriously. I want to have a serious job and good career. I want to make new friends. Then I want to meet a guy who loves and respects me, to get married, then have kids and live a boring, but hopefully not impoverished life. I'm just fed up with men thinking I'm a frivolous play thing, a buddy or a short-term distraction. Sorry I'm ranting again.
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