thecrucible Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Just saw this on a thread and made me think. I've been there. I know. I brew passionate about him but be never did about me because the attraction was never there to begin with. That's the story of pretty much all my relationships to date. I've been in LTR with guys but they were never in it for the long haul and it wasn't true love. I basically picked up the relationship myself and it felt like I did a lot of the pushing. After some reflection over the course of the past 4 years, I know now not to chase a guy or act needy. I got that bit nailed. Now I get guys chasing me because they find me a mystery and I get a reasonable amount of male attention and guys asking me out. But we date and I find it hard to find emotional connection. Sometimes I'm on a date and feels like I'm not really there. I haven't felt a pang in my heart for a while now. Guys on dates sometimes say they get the sense I'm holding back and that they can't read me. I worry that I can't trigger a man's emotions, although men have told me they find me a unique character and intriguing. I just can't do what Leigh is able to do and bring out that passion in a man from going on one date with him. How do other women do it? How do you make a man fall for you and feel passionate about you?
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Good news: you can't. I know that doesn't necessarily sound like good news, but it frees you from the effort of trying to do X, Y and Z to make a man fall head over heels. The same traits that one man finds repellent could make another man totally smitten. From personal experience some men find me quirky and charming; others think I'm awkward and too eccentric. I consider myself pretty average at best, but my current boyfriend was convinced he would never in a million years have a chance at someone like me and still asks me when I'm going to tell him it's all a joke. Meanwhile I had a good cry one day a year or so ago because I wanted to be with someone like him. It's all relative. Your best bet is to be your imperfect, ridiculous self and let the chips fall where they may. Reassure yourself that there's nothing wrong with you. You're not missing some secret passion sauce. You are no weirder or messed up than most other people, and finding someone special is a lot harder than Lifetime would like us to believe. 4
preraph Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I agree with the above, but I do think you did the right thing curbing your enthusiam. It's just not attractive to most people. When the right one comes along, you'll feel the excitement again. Don't worry.
somedude81 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Just saw this on a thread and made me think. That's the story of pretty much all my relationships to date. I've been in LTR with guys but they were never in it for the long haul and it wasn't true love. I basically picked up the relationship myself and it felt like I did a lot of the pushing. After some reflection over the course of the past 4 years, I know now not to chase a guy or act needy. I got that bit nailed. Now I get guys chasing me because they find me a mystery and I get a reasonable amount of male attention and guys asking me out. But we date and I find it hard to find emotional connection. Sometimes I'm on a date and feels like I'm not really there. I haven't felt a pang in my heart for a while now. Guys on dates sometimes say they get the sense I'm holding back and that they can't read me. I worry that I can't trigger a man's emotions, although men have told me they find me a unique character and intriguing. It sounds like the problem is you not being into the guys you are dating and are in a relationship with, not the other way around as your title would suggest. Edited February 13, 2015 by somedude81 2
organizedchaos Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Just saw this on a thread and made me think. That's the story of pretty much all my relationships to date. I've been in LTR with guys but they were never in it for the long haul and it wasn't true love. I basically picked up the relationship myself and it felt like I did a lot of the pushing. After some reflection over the course of the past 4 years, I know now not to chase a guy or act needy. I got that bit nailed. Now I get guys chasing me because they find me a mystery and I get a reasonable amount of male attention and guys asking me out. But we date and I find it hard to find emotional connection. Sometimes I'm on a date and feels like I'm not really there. I haven't felt a pang in my heart for a while now. Guys on dates sometimes say they get the sense I'm holding back and that they can't read me. I worry that I can't trigger a man's emotions, although men have told me they find me a unique character and intriguing. I just can't do what Leigh is able to do and bring out that passion in a man from going on one date with him. How do other women do it? How do you make a man fall for you and feel passionate about you? Are you sure you're reading her quote right? I think she meant she "grew" passionate about him. Not that she brewed the passion in him. She even says he never returned the same passion. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I wish I knew how to make a guy into me. If only I knew. I have only had short lived passion where the guy was infatuated at first. Once getting to know me better, they decided I didn't compel them to want to give up their search/ keep dating me. I just wear make up nicely, dress well and act a bit cheeky. It gets them into me initially but they just have sex on their mind. SO far - I have had a few guys into my vagina. And they felt a connection with me but our personalities weren't compatible enough. The raw feelings and intense attraction was there but that was about it - or, I have lacked passion but " loved them as a person" and vice versa. There is no secret formulae. No one tends to attracted those that excite them. We all settle for a compassionate relationship in the end. Few people get those that they were ever really " into" on a passionate level. People usually date their best friends and are happy to sacrifice the sizzle in the bedroom they had for their former passionate lovers. People are generally content with great sex - they don't need the mind blowing sex that only a passionate lover can bring. And usually one person is into the other - rarely both. One person grows to love the other for who they are; while the other partner was always into them and have the fire in their heart for them. I am happy single and waiting to get both. No one can force a person who we may like, to be into us. Edited February 13, 2015 by Leigh 87
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) And I wasn't into that guy at first. I thought he was an idiot with no class. He wasn't into me either but felt I was different. Over time he grew to love me as a person. I grew the passion for him even though it wasn't quiet here to begin with. He never grew it for me. He used hookers, cheated on me and never took me out and treated me to dinner once. In over 2 years. Then he met his perfect ten girl he was truly attracted to and treats her like a princess. He didn't make out with me. Where as my friend and her bf of 18 months still make out and are just as crazy about each other as they were from date one. I yearned for him but he didn't for me. I am even more into the current men - my attraction is even more intense towards certain men NOW - and I noticed that the men I fall for the hardest, are the men I am excited about from day one. It is a more intense sensation than having to grow into them and warm up to them slowly. I don't condone people waiting for the all encompassing love at first site. But in my experience, it is rare but IDEAL - when you find a good fit, and ALSO share mutual chemistry and attraction from the get go. Nothing ground breaking, but the strongest feelings I have had for a man were the men I was excited about after one date, and their feelings were mutual. We weren't compatible in terms of our personalities in order to form a true connection but if we had of done, it would have been a very intense and passionate type of love. Versus the love most couples have. The key is to just be yourself, only change the genuinely off things about yourself that close friends or family can perhaps help identity - and then find a person who lights your fire and who you also have the same affect on. I think it is called clicking. And also feeling mutual attraction. As opposed to the way I met my ex - I wasn't that into him or excited by him but it grew - and yet was never as intense as the men I clicked with from the get go and who felt MUTUAL attraction. You attract who you attract. When you get mutual attraction, things flow well providing you get along well and enjoy talking to one another. Edited February 13, 2015 by Leigh 87
mightycpa Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Please don't worry about that. It only makes sense that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. It's because there's tons of frogs and many fewer princes. What they don't tell you about that story is that most frogs, if they get treated like the frog they acted like, eventually turn into princes too. But that transformation takes time. Their hearts have to burn in the crucible, if you know what I mean. I'll bet you do. So the only thing I would advise is that you stick with it, and be patient, and be yourself. Don't hold back and don't give yourself away cheaply. The wait is totally worth it. That's twice I've written that tonight. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Please don't worry about that. It only makes sense that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. It's because there's tons of frogs and many fewer princes. What they don't tell you about that story is that most frogs, if they get treated like the frog they acted like, eventually turn into princes too. But that transformation takes time. Their hearts have to burn in the crucible, if you know what I mean. I'll bet you do. So the only thing I would advise is that you stick with it, and be patient, and be yourself. Don't hold back and don't give yourself away cheaply. The wait is totally worth it. That's twice I've written that tonight. Thanks And thank to everyone else. I realise appreciate your help. I guess I'll just have to stick with it. Hey I don't usually rant on here but it's 2015 now and I'm getting that feeling that I have to make the most of this year. It's something about it being near Valentine's Day that's brought these feelings out as well. I would like someone I can fall in love with but I just haven't met that someone where there is a mutual appreciation for each other. I'm beginning to hate online dating as I get to know a guy I think has potential then when we meet up, there's no chemistry OR it's just a waste of time as most people are flakes or players . Then I want to quit online and meet people in real life but I live in the small town I grew up in and I meet the same people out that I already know. There are a lot of sleazy people in my town (not saying there aren't nice ones too) and mainly the guys who take an interest in me only want a quickie or a FWB. I do lots of volunteering with mainly older and retired people and young children. I never meet younger adults through my volunteering. And then again I don't earn much. My salary is (£9k). So it's expensive to take trips to other places with the potential of meeting people. Ahhh kind of running out of ideas. I just need to move out of my town as in my head I'm a social butterfly - love trying new things, meeting new people, going to wine tastings, sporty stuff, being a culture vulture...however where I live, I just can't be me. So stuck in a rut! </rant>
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Please don't worry about that. It only makes sense that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. It's because there's tons of frogs and many fewer princes. What they don't tell you about that story is that most frogs, if they get treated like the frog they acted like, eventually turn into princes too. But that transformation takes time. Their hearts have to burn in the crucible, if you know what I mean. I'll bet you do. Interesting thread, but I don't understand this post. It was hard for me to translate into real life terms.
Emilia Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 You can draw guys in by working out what makes them tick. Ask them lots of questions about themselves. Make them talk - this over a course of time, not during a short period because that's obviously exhausting. When someone feels you understand them, they naturally want to spend more time with you. It's all very well that you are reserved but you don't want the man to feel that. If you draw his personality and passions out of him, you might find the information you need to connect with him. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I just can't do what Leigh is able to do and bring out that passion in a man from going on one date with him. How do other women do it? How do you make a man fall for you and feel passionate about you? You can't make a man fall for you and feel passionate about you in that deep-down way, that's why those men keep leaving in the end. You can only do certain things that tantalize him and gain his interest. Most women do that by playing games with men, appearing to be unavailable or disinterested, giving the guy the impression that she holds a magic lock and maybe he holds the magic key, never really giving him the opportunity to have her she just teases him and pulls away...she's two steps ahead of him while he's just blindly chasing, wondering what is behind that mysterious lock that he imagines is a room full of his wildest dreams. It's a fantasy he chases, but once he gets to know the real woman, the real human-being...the chase and mystery is over, once she opens herself, shows her true vulnerability and weaknesses as a human being then she is no longer on this pedestal that this guys got to chase and seek after...she's no longer perfect, she's just a normal girl with normal problems, that he happened to be really infatuated with in the beginning because of her sex-appeal, beauty and vagina. And that's the fking truth right there. You don't get long-term passion out of those short-burst whirlwind romances, because those are exactly what they are. You need to be able to transition into a deeper more significant bond, and that has to happen naturally but also with being open, communicative and sharing to the other person about the real person you are underneath what the world and "strangers" get to see. The reality is many women and men are emotionally unavailable, it's why they play these push and pull games, get into something deep and heavy and then back up. It's not just the man who is not available, women like these men too because within themselves they are not ready and don't feel pressured by being with men like this...they know they'll never have to open those deep emotional doors with these kinds of partners, they just indulge in the sweetness of the whirlwind romance, but that doesn't necessarily translate into love if you are not open and ready for it to go there...and both people need to be on the same page for that, love is the real risk...whirlwind romances not so much. Unfortunately aware or not, many people make relationships out of them and then they just slowly deteriorate and fall apart in time. But it's not any better with the people who make relationships out of friendships or slowly over time, those are relationships that are more based on comfort, companionship and what they feel safe in trusting...because it's always easier being with someone you aren't really head over hills in-love with. So those people tend not to know what they are capable of on the emotional level...relationships are just kind of these mildly emotional enhanced friendships that they try to tell themselves that this is what love is and feels like...which is easy to say in that kind of a relationship, everything can look perfect. IMO the key to making people fall in love with you, is being confident in who you are, knowing what you want and not needing validation from others. It's about being comfortable in your own skin, expressing how you feel, doing what you do because that's who you are and you're not exactly afraid to be who you are even if it doesn't follow some kind of predictable or accepted path. The problem with that, is dysfunctional people with major issues want someone who is going to accept them for all the "broken pieces" that they have, and basically put them back together again. You have to have to have good self-awareness and realize when you're doing something out of dysfunction or personal issues...because the problem is people do things like that and think it's about them when it's really about their issues. So they end up finding themselves in very similar situations over and over expecting the same unrealistic expectations...and it takes them a very long time to figure it out or they never do for their entire lives. So when it comes to love, there are two layers...your own personal issues and how that influences you, and what you're actually sharing and experiencing with the other person. Sadly, most people are stuck in their own bubble with their own personal issues, rather than it really having anything to do with "love". It's complicated unfortunately and there are no simple answers...people want 12 step programs to love, but there's a lot of self-growth, reflection and awareness that needs to be developed, because each time you go through those changes and become more enlightened and aware...you realize what you were chasing before really wasn't what you really wanted or need, and not even love itself in how you saw it to be..rather than just some kind of acceptance. So this post might be of very little use to...sorry! 2
BluEyeL Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 You can't REALLY "make" people be into you. in the beginning there are games you can play to make them into you, "give, withdraw, repeat". But on the long term, those are not effective anymore, really, unless you are compatible and that takes a lot of trial and error. I asked myself the same question but I think it's the wrong question to ask, you have to see first if the guy is what you want, not how to make him want you. Emilia gave the best answer here though if we are to be successful in building a passionate relationship. People fall in love with how you make them feel. You have to find out what makes the guy tick. You have to take it slow so you can get enough information about him, get to know him and see if what he requires to feel good is something that you can give him. Also, I noticed that men fall in love, indeed, in your absence. They like to long for you and miss you. So you got to give them space. Overall though, being emotionally stable and happy, and having high self-worth that projects from the way you carry yourself, are the best traits you can cultivate in yourself. 3
Author thecrucible Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 You can't REALLY "make" people be into you. in the beginning there are games you can play to make them into you, "give, withdraw, repeat". But on the long term, those are not effective anymore, really, unless you are compatible and that takes a lot of trial and error. Thanks hon. I don't like playing games. I don't play games although I think some guys think I do - I just can't take an instant liking to most people and I need time to warm up and some assume that therefore I might be playing games. I think online dating feels really artificial to me. I used to get head over heels for guys really quickly when I was younger. I wonder now what's wrong with me. Emilia gave the best answer here though if we are to be successful in building a passionate relationship. People fall in love with how you make them feel. You have to find out what makes the guy tick. You have to take it slow so you can get enough information about him, get to know him and see if what he requires to feel good is something that you can give him. I will try this. I will try and ask questions. Sometimes I find it hard to act interested and ask enough questions - I don't talk about myself all the time and I don't think I'm all that - I just don't always have ready questions to ask and sometimes run out of things to talk about. I do try though. I'm so worried about how I come across and how I can't get a man to feel passionate about me . I just feel I'm a complete loss to the male species right now. I know a lot of guys I meet like girly girls and I can't act like that. If I was to be more of a girly girl, it wouldn't be me. I'm girly girl in the sense that I like looking nice with nail varnish and pretty sexy feminine clothes...but I'm also confident enough to have opinions and I'm not ditzy and I don't really giggle and twirl my hair and be innocent and all that stuff men like. Also, I noticed that men fall in love, indeed, in your absence. They like to long for you and miss you. So you got to give them space. I always do that. I give guys space and let them chase/wait for them to come to me...and when they lose interest, I don't keep chasing. Overall though, being emotionally stable and happy, and having high self-worth that projects from the way you carry yourself, are the best traits you can cultivate in yourself. I do this pretty well. I'm fairly in who I am. There are a few things that could be smoothed over but at least I'm not looking for a guy's approval. I do meet a lot of guys who want a woman who'll look up to him and seek his strength and support. And I like getting support from a guy but I don't think I need a man either so I just can't do the damsel in distress thing that guys seem to dig... I used to get way more men interested in me when I was weaker and more vulnerable and when I was 17 and more sweet, more of an innocent girly girl. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 So this post might be of very little use to...sorry! Aw not at all. It was really valuable. I wish I could talk to you in person or you could be a fly on the wall on one of my dates. I just find it so hard to connect with men emotionally. It's really hard for me. In a way I wish I was younger as I was better with men then - they'd be into my innocence and the way I'd look up to them (my past daddy issues lol)....but now I want to find an equal and try not to be intimidated by guys and show my strength, and they don't buy into my personality. Perhaps I'm just too aloof. Thanks everyone else for your help. I really need it. I'm really struggling with dating right now. I just feel so disappointed over how my date went today :/.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 The times when men have fallen in love with me were the times I was reasonably in love with my own life and going for something more than just survival. Of course, I'm always striving for this, but naturally I'm more in my zone and on fire during some periods of my life than others. It's never been a superficial connection - always a deeper connection tied to larger aspirations, such as devoting a lot of my creative energy to writing and recording music, or throwing myself into my small business and pushing myself to really bring it. I turn on the light inside, and it's a magnet. The man connects with me and my big dreams, and we find common ground where we help bring out the best in each other. So in a nutshell, I fall in love and attract men who fall in love with me when I am reasonably in love with my own life. 3
Author thecrucible Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Well I'm quite happy with my life - like my job, got onto a masters course, do my charity work, volunteer with kids, and do some charity fundraising in my spare time ... Only thing is that I don't have a full time permanent job yet and I don't like where I live. I just always want to move somewhere else.
Buddhist Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 How do other women do it? How do you make a man fall for you and feel passionate about you? You can't. You just have to be the right person. It's that simple. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 You can't. You just have to be the right person. It's that simple. Thanks. It's just I feel that every guy I've dated, even those I dated for over 1 year, weren't really into me... It's easy to think of my flaws when that's happened...and I read on here about others' effortless ability to make men fall in love deeply and I see blogs and books about it and I just wonder what the secret is.
Buddhist Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 and I read on here about others' effortless ability to make men fall in love deeply and I see blogs and books about it and I just wonder what the secret is. There is no secret. People who find wonderful fulfilling relationships look back and then wax lyrical about how they did all the right things and if you do what they did then this type of relationship will happen for you too. But this advice is flawed once it's gets beyond the standard....don't get all clingy and crazy on his ass. Which is good advice for both sexes really. Love happens when it happens and for some people it never happens. That's the reality of life. Both men and women spend the first few decades of their life though searching for the holy grail which will make all their fantasies real. It's a holy grail for a reason, forever promising eternal whatever and never being found. These women don't have some secret handshake or mojo, they are just settled/realistic/mature enough to have learned to create lasting relationships with other people. Which btw, is a lot more work and lot less hormonally exciting than one may assume from reading their blog... If someone's selling something (even just their own audience stats) then you can sure only part of the picture is being painted to shed the best possible light on whatever barrow they are pushing. In my experience though playing a game for drawing people in, is a short sighted strategy as eventually you will still have to be you, rather than their fantasy partner. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Aw not at all. It was really valuable. I wish I could talk to you in person or you could be a fly on the wall on one of my dates. I just find it so hard to connect with men emotionally. It's really hard for me. In a way I wish I was younger as I was better with men then - they'd be into my innocence and the way I'd look up to them (my past daddy issues lol)....but now I want to find an equal and try not to be intimidated by guys and show my strength, and they don't buy into my personality. Perhaps I'm just too aloof. Thanks everyone else for your help. I really need it. I'm really struggling with dating right now. I just feel so disappointed over how my date went today :/. Sorry about your date :/ I'll you what did it for me with the women I fell for...but I'm not sure if it'll help you draw and conclusions or give you any more indication of how it could be done. Love #1 It was easy to fall for her I'll admit physically. She was beautiful, if not one of the most gorgeous women I had ever seen in my life. Great smile, gorgeous lips, sparkling eyes, lovely hair...I was just smitten by her, I had to pinch myself just to believe it was real. On an emotional/relationship level she was just someone so different than I was, she felt and saw the world differently and I found that very intriguing and attractive. I was very closed off emotionally and a bit conservative at the time, she was very "free-spirited" and didn't worry or care about anything. She was the type of girl in the commercials that would spin around with her arms out at the beach and not care who was looking or watching, she didn't care about how she looked..she'd always had a smile on her face and she was enjoying life and I found that in a way very liberating and refreshing for me, and she was just completely herself and who she was all the time. She didn't care about looking silly doing something, and I used to be that way too but I was going through so much and life had made me become so serious and mature that I almost forgot how, she helped me tap back into that part of myself I lost in my childhood a bit. She added a different dynamic to my life, she gave me something new and different that I didn't have before, a different perspective. We got along well for the most part, we shared lots of laughs, the dynamic between us was cute...I was frustrated by her lack of ability to take many things seriously, and she found it funny that I was so frustrated by that, she just in turn had a way of making me take everything less seriously...honestly there was just no point with her. In a way she was a perfect match, she gave me the other half of life that I didn't really have at the time...and that's what really drew me to her, because of how different she was and yet we still had this fairly good relationship. Love #2 This was just an immediate romantic spark kind of relationship, an instant chemistry/connection that was through the roof and it just happened so fast I didn't even really have time to think about it. It felt like an immediate relationship right from the beginning, we hit it off right away and we were just in a whirlwind right away with fireworks and balloons, the both of us, and I knew when I met her this was going to be something that she was someone special. She was smart, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, witty, responsible, well-mannered/classy, charming and respectful. She just exuded all the qualities that I was looking for in the "perfect" long-term partner, and on the romantic level it was tons of sparks, our sexual chemistry was just amazing. It was completely blind-siding for me and complete indulgent...even when I try to think of it looking back, it's all just such a blur...it was just really a wave that swept you away. She really was someone that brought the best out of me, she was always motivating and encouraging, she took over some parts of my life that I wasn't taking care of for myself...she helped me become more aware with certain areas I had neglected in my life at the time because most of what I had learned at that point in life was taught by myself. We had a lot of similar values, everybody loved her in my family and friends, she seemed perfect. And although we were a powerful couple, there were unfortunately issues that were so great that it tore down the relationship, it was heart-breaking to leave that relationship and i felt immensely troubled by it but I am sure it was the right thing to do. Love #3 This was a purely "spiritual" connection and something I'll never be able to explain. This was not about physical attraction, about anything superficial or what we had in common, compatibilities or any of the typical stuff. She just simply understood me and got me on a level that no one had ever thought to look, she was someone that got me and accepted me in other ways I didn't feel accepted before. Conversations are always deep, interesting and meaningful, we had amazing communication. There's things I can talk about with her that I couldn't with no one else, certain difficulties and worries. Relationships are usually in a way constricting and confining to be this ideal, but with her I felt open and free and not punished for anything I felt or thought, or judged for it. She also is a person with a heart of gold, and it was something anyone could see that knew her...she is an activist and someone who pursues her beliefs strongly and fights for what is right, she is very educated and pursuing very ambitious goals...but she's very soft-spoken, humble, down-to-earth, forgiving. She's been through so many difficulties and troubles in her life, very traumatic and unusual things that most people wouldn't ever imagine she has been through because they probably didn't even think those kinds of things could happen...and somehow after all that and dealing with ridiculous circumstances and challenges nobody expects to deal with in their lives, she still has this level of kindness and patience with people, she doesn't hate or become jaded or pessimistic. So just by being her she inspires me to be a better person. .................. So like I said, not sure if you can draw any conclusions out of that, but I will say that I am a pretty ballsy guy who has always taken a lot of chances in romance within reason and to a degree. I don't go full blown idiot but I take chances, am very confident in myself and in general open to a lot of these emotions and experiences when I see the in front of me....there was a situation in the past with a woman I let go that I should have pursued and that taught me to an extent to never let yourself down with someone you feel that inexplicable connection with. But I have a lot of trust within myself and awareness, I am a very realistic person and as much as I love the emotions and intensity of it all, at the end of the day I snap myself back into that balance....I've got the logic, emotions and the brain power both combined to try and make wise decisions not that I always have or do. But you've got to be open and comfortable with yourself to really be able to trust yourself and not be afraid. I am not afraid to step on a woman's toes, or not be the "perfect guy"...I never try to be someone I am not, and I am overall not worried or scared that someone won't like me the way I am and just pass me up, there's just too many women on the planet. And yes, at times I doubt myself, at times I have wanted to take an action and do something silly or stupid and I did it and it blew up in my face but I did it anyway and it took it the hard way, but I snap myself back into it and again am in control...if i am really scared I push myself to take the chance, because I won't allow myself to play it safe. You just have to be in a place where you can be open but trust yourself enough to protect yourself, you've got to know that you can save you if/when you really need it. And that's the real challenge, it's real easy to want to go to either extreme but neither is good....it's all about balance, and it's about understanding yourself and seeing the bigger picture, it's not about any other man, but about you. If you can be comfortable in who you are, and like you and be yourself while still having the reason and respect for other people and their boundaries (because you shouldn't let being YOU violate someone else or make someone else feel like they're not being respected) then you can find someone who truly wants to be with the person you are, not the person you are trying to be...just for them. I see a lot of women do that, and honestly it's a sign of insecurity and I personally look for women who have confidence in themselves, if not a fire or passion. 1
BluEyeL Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I am 43 yo and I don't know if "men feel passionate about me" but I think the two I was in a serious relationship with did. My first husband was madly in love with me, but his emotional problems caught up with him and he left us (our son and me) after 20 years of our first getting together. My current BF is also passionate about me, I have no doubt. I feel it. But before I met him I dated for a little over a year and first my dates didn't go well. I am not a girly girl either, I am an Engineering Professor. No girly girl here. I discovered a fool proof system of getting dates: 1,2,3,4,5 dates at least. I ended every dating relationship after I found the system and men hung around, although they weren't "passionate". But learned how to make them stay for a while. I wrote this here before: 1. Confidence. You have to ooze confidence. NOT arrogance. Warm, confident smile, direct eye contact. Treat them like they're your best friend. 2. You have to appear WARM. NICE. Nice and confident, not nice and scared, nice and mousy, nice and too eager to please. 3. You ask questions. You let them talk more than you. People only can keep their attention on for 17 seconds. You have to give SHORT answers to their questions. I learned to always look for the shortest way to formulate a story before asking them another question and letting them talk some more. Short sentences, no rambling... If you pay attention you see their eyes glazing if you go on too long. 4. You mirror their body language. You don't lean in if they don't lean in. You lean in if they lean in. 5. Always leave them wanting more. First dates shouldn't last more than 2h. You get out of there before they're bored of you. They'll still be thinking of you. Don't text them but respond warmly to their texts. Maybe not instantly, but don't take hours to reply, that's unnecessary game playing. This always got me second dates. Always!! Before doing all this, nope, I wasn't getting second dates and me weren't really into me. I didn't even kiss on a first date either. Sex is out of question until exclusivity. Since I started to do this until I found my boyfriend it was about 9 months of OLD, but during that time I only went out with about 7 people, no more. You can't make a man passionate about you, but you can work on your dating skills. And then, just work on being happy, truly happy inside. That can be worked on. And really believing you are great. I know you said you're happy and confident but I think all of us are work in progress and we can always get better. I know I do. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 @Ninja Thanks for the well thought out and insightful post. I read the whole thing and appreciate how you explained everything to me in a such a logical way; and I liked reading about your personal experiences. Sorry about your date :/ Think it's my fault it went wrong. Well we talked a lot on online dating (for two weeks) then met up after Xmas. The first date seemed go well but I wasn't sure I was into him to begin so I was just playing it cool with him but I enjoyed the date and talking to him and he seemed sweet on me. We met up a second time and he went in for the kiss, which I wasn't expecting as it wasn't a romantic setting and I wasn't getting the romantic vibe (I don't know why). I ended up texting the next day saying I wasn't sure whether to go out again as I didn't know whether I felt a spark. Over the next week, we had two telephone calls and I felt more connected to him in those because he opened up more and told me sweet things I never heard when we met and compliments (he never told me compliments in person). So we agreed to meet again and see if there was anything there, although I think he went totally off me at this point. This led to today. I made more an effort today. I asked him more questions (as I'm not great at asking questions on dates) and tried to flirt to give him opportunities to make a move, but he didn't...(and I understand why). I was hoping he would open up more like he did on the phone. Maybe next time I should have gone along with the flow rather than announce to him my feelings that quickly. Now he says to me at the end of today "if you don't want to meet up again, that's okay" but I never thought that. I actually told him I had a good time. Anyways that's probably going nowhere :/. I ended up telling him about my plans to maybe move away (wherever I find a job as jobs are scarce in my chosen career and I'm only just starting out) but he wants to stay in this part of the world pretty much indefinitely. I wonder if it's best that I stop dating until I get my foot on the ladder and feel settled in my career - but then I really enjoy having the company of a man. If you can be comfortable in who you are, and like you and be yourself while still having the reason and respect for other people and their boundaries (because you shouldn't let being YOU violate someone else or make someone else feel like they're not being respected) then you can find someone who truly wants to be with the person you are, not the person you are trying to be...just for them. I see a lot of women do that, and honestly it's a sign of insecurity and I personally look for women who have confidence in themselves, if not a fire or passion. I've had guys compliment me saying I am passionate and independent-minded and I'm smart and don't care what people think too much. I guess that's nice to hear but then they are the same guys who don't act very interested in me or they are only interested for a short time. They say they can't read me or that I'm holding back. So I wonder what I do wrong.
Author thecrucible Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) My current BF is also passionate about me, I have no doubt. I feel it. I'd love to know what that feels like. I'm a very passionate person but I don't often meet men like that. I also love talking about art and travel and history and...ah...geeky things. Thank you for the post. I need to print your list out and put it in my diary. I am confident enough but I think I get too serious on dates and I should make every experience a positive one. I'll just think 'treat him like my best friend' then I won't look like I'm coming on too strong either. I'll try to shut up instead of rambling when I'm nervous and I'll try to shorten my dates. And I'll try the mirroring thing (I've even read about this but somehow haven't done it recently)...Arrghh I need to get over myself I've got the not having sex before exclusivity thing covered though. Most of my dates end before date three though. :/ And to think I have been in long term relationships before. My longest was almost three years and there were no massive displays of grand gestures and fancy dinners - we just fell in love talking about love and life and connecting intellectually and emotionally. On my next date, I am going to use your list as my guide. And I will report back on it Do you have any thoughts on this? The last guy said to me "Sometimes you seem like a grown woman and other times like a girl". I don't know what he means. He's the same age as me...but I asked him what he meant and he just said he was scared of offending me... Edited February 16, 2015 by thecrucible 1
wb1988 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Sometimes I'm on a date and feels like I'm not really there. Are you dating guys that you actually like, or are you just saying yes to any guy that asks you? I've been on dates with girls just because they're hot but then 10 minutes in and I already feel like a bored third person ghost looking at myself and the other girl, like I'm not really there as you also said. Smile, flutter your eyes (and make them big) anytime the guy says something about himself thats remotely impressive and act kinda dumb.
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