lindseyx88 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Ok this is probably going to be a long post but I really need some guidance and I'll try to explain everything here in a simple and neat manner as most of this is VERY complicated. I'm pretty convinced I have "daddy issues." and that alone scares the s*** out of me. I remember guys around me throwing that term around talking about girls when I was younger but I never really looked into it or anything until a few weeks ago and realized...ugh...thats me. My father is an a******. We never got along and he was just one of those men that should've never had kids. He would be in my life for 3 months then take off for a year without any calls. It was an endless cycle of leaving and coming back. He's been divorced from my mom for a few years now and I have no idea why she stuck around for so many years. He cheated on my mom constantly and even had an affair with a girl in my school's mother. My mother is weak and always has been...she lets him walk ALL over her. I think deep down inside she thought she would never find anyone else so she just stuck around. He would always tease me as I grew up and I have just as bad of a temper as him so we would have screaming fights almost every night and he'd tell me how much of a disappointment I was to him. My dad is also a raging alcoholic. He drinks hard liquor and turns into this violent suicidal mess. There were many times where I would have to talk my drunk dad out of committing suicide, and thats when I was like 15 or 16 years old. I remember one specific time..probably the worst one where I was a junior in high school and he called my mother to tell her he was off to kill himself and took his guns over state lines and locked himself in hotel room and shot the bed/tv and kept calling all of us over and over again. I've never gotten along with my dad but my god I would never wish suicide on him. I pleaded to him on the phone that he would miss my graduation if he went through with this and miss me getting married but as most of you probably know, it's extremely hard getting through to someone who is so intoxicated. The state cops had to break into a hotel room and get him out and he was arrested. That was fun going to school the next day when your father is all over local news. No 16 year old should have to deal with that burden. My grandmother committed suicide when I was young and I think that really screwed my dad up. Everyone on my dad's side are alcoholics. My father is sober now but barely ever tries to contact me. I guess I definitely pick guys that resemble my father and I don't know why...I know there's some psychological stuff with that. I dated my ex boyfriend from when I was 15 to when I was 19 which is how old I am now, will be 20 in 2 months. He was my best friend for years and we officially decided to date when I was 18 after years of never putting a label on it. He f***** me up just as bad as my dad. He cheated on me twice (one time with his ex and one time with a girl we both knew) and would manipulate the hell out of me. I had low self esteem so I did everything I could to keep him....buy him cigarettes and food and he would take advantage of me. My father did a pretty good job with making me feel like I was nothing but my ex was the one who brought me to rock bottom. My ex is also a pretty good liar unfortunately so after the second time he cheated he convinced me he hadn't and come to find out 2 months later, he did. We would get into terrible screaming fights. In between break ups I would try to heal the pain with hooking up guys who didn't mean jacks*** to me. I know I will get judged for that but thats part of my past and obviously something I'm not proud of but I have grown since then. I was looking for love in all the wrong places entirely. but we were that typical dysfunctional relationship with two people who kept going back to each other after all that b******* until I finally broke it off for good. A few months ago one of my good friends introduced me to her boyfriends friend. I'm now dating him and couldn't be happier. He's a great guy with a wonderful work ethic. All of us live in the same small town and I have heard of him before but we never had hung out. He treats me with respect and was definitely raised right. He's 22 and lives with his dad. His dads a great guy too and you can definitely tell that he was raised to treat women with respect. I believe he's on the same page with the cheating stuff too because his ex from ages 17-20 was terrible to him and had a lot of issues and ended up cheating on him multiple times. He told me that he couldn't do that to someone and never understood how she could live with doing everything she did to him. I have a few friends who know my boyfriend and they've all verified that he's just a really sweet guy and it's true. He's got a heart of gold and I think part of it comes from the fact that he helped raise his sisters children while he was in high school because their dad was a deadbeat. SO he juggled school and raising them/helping her. Most high school boys wouldn't do that. We're also all in the same group of friends (all guys except my one girl friend who introduced us) and one of them said to me (the one who knows about my history with my ex) "You're lucky to have this kid, you will never run into the same problems that you did with the other a******." So like I've said he's amazing. I'm just concerned with myself. I've got so many issues stemming from my relationship with my dad and ex that I'm afraid I'll ruin this. I've been able to hide it from my boyfriend pretty well cuz I'm afraid he'll think I'm crazy. There's not a lot of girls on his facebook at all but if one girl likes his status or something...I immediately think he's going to start dating her. Or if he posts something on facebook and some girl likes it I get REALLY jealous and think she's after him. WTF? My friend has to keep reminding me that it's a LIKE on facebook. It's not like he likes other girls pictures or anything. He's done nothing to show me he's unfaithful but it's like my brain can't comprehend all of this. I'm constantly afraid I'll get cheated on and latch onto the smallest things that might indicate that. Or if I don't get that constant validation that he still loves me..I automatically think he's going to leave me because I'm not good enough for him. It's torture. I know I can change this but it's so damn hard. Like I said, I've been able to hide this all really well...but I'm scared one day it's all just going to come crashing down. I put up these walls around me..scared to let anyone in cuz I'm afraid they'll just end up leaving like my father did. And since my ex cheated on me it's like I've thoroughly convinced myself that every man I ever date is going to cheat on me. My father and ex have left me to in so much pain and to pick up the broken pieces all by myself. I love my boyfriend now and we've got an awesome connection where we can sit for hours and just talk and it's great. I don't know what I'd do without the kid. I'm just really looking for some guidance on how I can handle the issues with this. Sorry this is so long but I needed to get this out.
wb1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Just keep ****ing him, it'll be difficult for him to cheat, leave or even think about other women if he's tired from so much sex or bjs. No woman has ever been broken-up/divorced/cheated on that made her guy sexually exhausted.
preraph Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You have picked the guys like your dad because that was your only male role model. Even when we don't want to do that, it will still happen to some extent in some way that is so engrained in us that we are blind that we are doing it. Unconsciously, we will find a "red flag" behavior unalarming because we grew up having to learn to deal with it and find it familiar. We don't always associate every behavior with something that is a dealbreaker, but it may be something that is an indicator of a bigger issue. So we let the wrong guys into our lives because something is familiar and because we already have the skills on some level to deal with them. Now you have a chance to break that cycle. You are dead right to be concerned whether you can maintain this relationship and whether you can be a good parent. This is the perfect time in your life to see a psychologist and let them help you sort through your motivations and try to dispel some of your programming that will make you sabotage what might be a healthy relationship. The great thing about you is that you are not in denial that your parents really affected you negatively. I mean, your dad was a terrible role model and so was your mom for putting up with him. What this means is you need to re-educate yourself and kind of shed all their influence and rebuild yourself, and for that you will need a good psychologist. Once you work on yourself and begin to feel that the rest of this life is yours to live any way you want and feel the strength to do that, then you could take a parenting class to teach you the right way to parent so you can just forget all that you learned growing up in a bad household. A friend of mine did all that and has been married 30 years now to a good guy. She was smart like you and knew she had to go into therapy and relearn and take parenting classes and learn the right way. It worked for her. Before her husband, she had latched onto two bad guys, both of whom turned into stalkers, one who became violent as soon as they married and moved out of state away from her friends and family. But with therapy, she was able to land a guy who really grounded her and stuck by her and treated her right. It doesn't sound like anyone has done much for your benefit, but YOU can do that for yourself. It's time you sorted all this out for yourself and reclaimed your life. Best wishes doing that.
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