Halen1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I dated girl for a month. We a had 6 dates.. she was awesome. She liked me.. we had a connection. She's one of a kind. She would randomly text me at night asking what I was up to even if she was with friends. She would sometimes even double text. All of the "she's into you" signs were there. The last two dates we made out. The first time i brought dinner to her place and watched a movie. I made the moves. When I started kissing her i picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. She laughed out loud. We made out. She said she had been with 8 guys and thought that was enough for 26. She was shocked when I told her I had only been with 8 girls. I just like to get that out of the way. If a girl can't count on their fingers..it may not be good for me. She wanted to wait. I was fine with it. She told me several times I was super cute and handsome. She was all smiles and laughing when I wrestled with her. I never seen a girl smile the way she was smiling at me. I told her she could kick me out anytime. She said she didn't have to work the next day and said I could stay as long as I wanted. I left early as I had to work in the morning. I tried taking her on a hike that weekend but, our schedules conflicted. Second time was the next week. We went bowling then watched a movie at her place. We made out again. I picked her up again and slightly tore her pants. She just laughed and said oh well. Things got hot. In the heat of the moment I asked again. She was all over me. She said she wanted to wait. I told her it was ok and I would wait. She said sorry with a guilty look look on her face. I told her she didn't need to be sorry. After that she jumped on me and was all over me. I thought that was odd..but i ignored it. That same day a girl at my work asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told her, "No..but I know a girl that might get mad if she heard me say that." The girl at work just laughed and got the hint. I told her that story and she smiled and laughed. I wasn't conveying that I wanted the boyfriend title..I just thought it was funny and thought it would make her smile. We made concert plans for two days later and I left. The next evening and she acted normally. The next day she sent me a text canceling on concert plans we had and said she wasn't ready for a relationship. She said I was awesome but couldn't handle it. She said she was scared and didn't feel like she was on my level yet. She said she didn't know me well enough to like me like I liked her. We haven't spoke in 2 weeks since. She hasn't deleted me on fbook. I feel bad... because I indirectly pushed her even though I told her I would wait. I care about her. I feel like not contacting her since is deflating my character. I was a gentleman towards her. Opened her car door, gave her my jacket when she was cold, even offered to drive her home when she was drinking with her friends and nervous to drive. I should ask her out and go out more to get her comfortable.. but at the same time.. it's a two way street. I'm so confused. Either she lost interest..which I find hard to believe, she really isn't ready for anything serious (She did get out of a relationship 3-4 months ago), or she got scared when things were progressing. I shouldn't have asked her if she wanted to have sex a second time...but when things get hot...it happens..but i should have known better. I've moved very slow in the past and women thought I was strange or disinterested. So I guess I pressured myself imto making moves. She's warm hearted, adventurous, funny..very funny, easy going, and simple. She makes good money, drives a junker, and lives in small apartment. She's completely content without anything extravagant in her life. I love those qualities. I would hate just to let her go if I she just simply felt pressured. I can talk to her and let her get to know me. Should I contact her/sooner later or allow her to come back to me?
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Two things: #1: . She was shocked when I told her I had only been with 8 guys. Are you bi/gay? #2: The next day she sent me a text canceling on concert plans we had and said she wasn't ready for a relationship. She said I was awesome but couldn't handle it. She said she was scared and didn't feel like she was on my level yet. She said she didn't know me well enough to like me like I liked her. We haven't spoke in 2 weeks since. She hasn't deleted me on fbook. I feel bad... because I indirectly pushed her even though I told her I would wait. I care about her. I feel like not contacting her since is deflating my character. I was a gentleman towards her. Opened her car door, gave her my jacket when she was cold, even offered to drive her home when she was drinking with her friends and nervous to drive. I should ask her out and go out more to get her comfortable.. but at the same time.. it's a two way street. I'm so confused. Either she lost interest..which I find hard to believe, she really isn't ready for anything serious (She did get out of a relationship 3-4 months ago) she's not over her ex; that's why she flaked. Plus, you've only known her for a month. Go talk to the girl at your job. No sense in waiting for her if she's saying she's not ready.
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 She's been talking to her ex and she is possibly working on getting back together with him.
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My advice....never talk numbers, it's none of their business. It's ok to say ya I had a few long term relationships, and dated here and there. I think anyone who needs specific numbers is insecure.....big red flag. 1
Author Halen1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 The thing is...she just moved here three months ago. Her ex lives in a different state. She said she broke it off with him because she wasn't going to do long distance.
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 The thing is...she just moved here three months ago. Her ex lives in a different state. She said she broke it off with him because she wasn't going to do long distance. I still say she's not done with him. Despite what she's telling you. If she was done with him and were over him, you and her would be advancing your involvement. she may have some interest, but not enough to overcome her unresolved feelings for her ex.
Author Halen1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 My advice....never talk numbers, it's none of their business. It's ok to say ya I had a few long term relationships, and dated here and there. I think anyone who needs specific numbers is insecure.....big red flag. I just like to get it out of the way..because I've dated girls that have been with 20+ and as the relationship progressed..I realized they weren't good people.
preraph Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah, don't talk numbers in the future. It really doesn't matter. But I think not calling her your girlfriend is why she pushed you away. Most girls feel like if they're making out with a guy for some length of time, that's close enough to at least say she's "a girlfriend," though, "my current girlfriend" would be preferable. Girls take that personally. They start letting their feelings build up and start letting their inhibitions come down -- and then the guy won't even pony up and say he's her boyfriend. C'mon.
Author Halen1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Yeah, don't talk numbers in the future. It really doesn't matter. But I think not calling her your girlfriend is why she pushed you away. Most girls feel like if they're making out with a guy for some length of time, that's close enough to at least say she's "a girlfriend," though, "my current girlfriend" would be preferable. Girls take that personally. They start letting their feelings build up and start letting their inhibitions come down -- and then the guy won't even pony up and say he's her boyfriend. C'mon. I usually wait a while to make it official. Although that does contradict my reasoning for making out with her. I should have waited for that. When she told me "I'm not ready for a relationship you're an awesome guy blah blah", I told her if something bothered her I would talk to her about it. She said nothing was really bothering her and didn't want to waste my time. I said..alright that's fine. That's when she opened up and told me she was scared and what not. So..if that did indeed bother her..I tried. It's hard for me to believe she lost interest. I've had a couple of these "I'm not ready to date." situations and let it go. I knew they weren't very interested and I didn't feel the connection to chase. But her..it's different. She was definitely into me..then out of the blue..sorry can't do this. I feel like she's scared or realized she didn't have the feelings I had. Is it worth contacting her soon/later or letting her go? Edited February 12, 2015 by Halen1988
preraph Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah, I mean, she was into you physically because you said she just kept coming in for more touching and stuff. I can't imagine that if she wasn't feeling sexy with you, that she would force herself to initiate like you say she was doing. So I think all that's left is you mentioned that other girl (1) and then that thing about not being your girlfriend (2), and probably she's been used and discarded before and at that time maybe decided, Oh, he's never going to say I'm his girlfriend and he's just after sex. I think she needs to be the girlfriend before she wants to go all the way. But I could be wrong. Usually a woman will pull back physically before she gets around to pulling back verbally.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong. Divulging how many lovers you've been with, if the other person first brings it up, is not untoward. No, this woman is hung up somehow. Most likely the ex. My advice...hang back. Explore other options. If she contacts you, decide if you want to tangle with someone who doesn't seem emotionally ready.
preraph Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 See if she'll go out Valentine's Day, but even if not, take a single rose and leave it for her with a Valentine card attached saying how much you like her. 1
Author Halen1988 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong. Divulging how many lovers you've been with, if the other person first brings it up, is not untoward. No, this woman is hung up somehow. Most likely the ex. My advice...hang back. Explore other options. If she contacts you, decide if you want to tangle with someone who doesn't seem emotionally ready. It was kinda' brought up mutually. She didn't seem to have a, problem with it. The more I think about it..she did just recently get out of a relationship..so she could still be emotionally un available.
Author Halen1988 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong. Divulging how many lovers you've been with, if the other person first brings it up, is not untoward. No, this woman is hung up somehow. Most likely the ex. My advice...hang back. Explore other options. If she contacts you, decide if you want to tangle with someone who doesn't seem emotionally ready. It was kinda' brought up mutually. She didn't seem to have a, problem with it. The more I think about it..she did just recently get out of a relationship..so she could still be emotionally un available.
Author Halen1988 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 See if she'll go out Valentine's Day, but even if not, take a single rose and leave it for her with a Valentine card attached saying how much you like her. I didn't even bother bringing that up to her since our relationship was progressing. I was going to bring it up the week of..or just surprise her. Since she hasn't bothered talking to me after breaking it off...i would not feel comfortable doing that.
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 you know this woman better than anyone here...i say you follow your instincts ....follow your heart .....do what you want to do ...say what you want to say to her......if she feels it was prgressing too fast and has said as much take a step back...just because women in the past deemed you strange or disinterested for taking it slow....doesnt mean this woman will feel the same or react in the same way as previous lovers have... be open with her and if you truly are interested in her take it at the pace that is the slowest or comfortable for the person who moves the slowest...which seems to be her pace.....never take it faster than the slowest person in your team...or they get left behind and you get left out front ...it gets tiring trying to keep up and seeing the ass end of someone in front of you...and a lot of people give up in this scenario and deem incompatibility....... its a soldier thing is the best example i can give ....a perfect one for forming a relationship.......you are as strongest as your weakest link...or as fast as your slowest..you need to adjust your pace to suit ...her pace....to motivate and form any lasting and stable bond........i suggest honesty...openness and communication...to find out the answers you really need from the person who this post is about...that is my advice.......deb
Author Halen1988 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 you know this woman better than anyone here...i say you follow your instincts ....follow your heart .....do what you want to do ...say what you want to say to her......if she feels it was prgressing too fast and has said as much take a step back...just because women in the past deemed you strange or disinterested for taking it slow....doesnt mean this woman will feel the same or react in the same way as previous lovers have... be open with her and if you truly are interested in her take it at the pace that is the slowest or comfortable for the person who moves the slowest...which seems to be her pace.....never take it faster than the slowest person in your team...or they get left behind and you get left out front ...it gets tiring trying to keep up and seeing the ass end of someone in front of you...and a lot of people give up in this scenario and deem incompatibility....... its a soldier thing is the best example i can give ....a perfect one for forming a relationship.......you are as strongest as your weakest link...or as fast as your slowest..you need to adjust your pace to suit ...her pace....to motivate and form any lasting and stable bond........i suggest honesty...openness and communication...to find out the answers you really need from the person who this post is about...that is my advice.......deb That is true..i shouldn't have compared her to everyone else. I appreciate the advice from everyone. I made the moves when making out..but she was definitely into it. The second time we made out i got more verbal. When she told me she wanted to wait to have sex the second in the heat of the moment..I told her, "I'm sorry...That's fine..I will wait..but I'm not just trying to get into your pants." She said, "I know." And that's when she told me she was sorry then jumped on top of me. When i decided to leave I said, "But I would be happy if I could stay here kiss you all night, haha." She kissed me passionately. See..now you know why I'm confused, haha. I believe even if you feel like you're not ready for a relationship..you shouldn't push someone good in your life away. I've been single for about 10 months. About 7-8 months ago I met a girl. She was really nice and fun. At the same time I thought, "Well crap am I ready for this?" I gave her a chance and I really liked her. She was going through a bad divorce and it didn't workout..but I still gave her a chance even when I had cold feet. I guess I'm a guy and I'm simple. I don't push anything good out of the way because of fear. If anyone has been in a similar situation feel free to chip in.
lil_missy Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Hi op, I have been in similar situations so my view is that it is exactly what she said. No need to over analysis. She doesn't like you as much as you like her, and although she does like you to some extent she is pressured to feel more which she just cannot. And she doesn't want to hurt you. I've been in this situation many times when someone is way ahead of you, you cannot develop a relationship. Two ppl have to develop feelings at pretty much the same rate or u will scare the less invested person away. I've tried to give guys a chance if they r really into me by acting really into them and see if anything develops but if it doesn't say after a month I call it quits n it would seem outta the blue for him. Vice versa I'm sure I have scared guys away by acting too invested early on. When she jumped on you and kissed you she might have been genuinely moved or touched by your sincerity, but after the moment it still doesn't change her overall feeling for you. Have u seen the movie the vow? You can be perfect for each other but it's all about timing. When his wife lost her memory and forgot that she loves him, the more he loved her the more he pushed her away. It wasn't until a yr later when they met again they were able to start over on similar footing. Finally I say to take what she says at face value because like you said you don't cut someone off simply coz ur not ready, you would express concern n work on it together. But she stopped talking to you it could only mean she doesn't feel strong enough bout you. I'm sorry
Author Halen1988 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Hi op, I have been in similar situations so my view is that it is exactly what she said. No need to over analysis. She doesn't like you as much as you like her, and although she does like you to some extent she is pressured to feel more which she just cannot. And she doesn't want to hurt you. I've been in this situation many times when someone is way ahead of you, you cannot develop a relationship. Two ppl have to develop feelings at pretty much the same rate or u will scare the less invested person away. I've tried to give guys a chance if they r really into me by acting really into them and see if anything develops but if it doesn't say after a month I call it quits n it would seem outta the blue for him. Vice versa I'm sure I have scared guys away by acting too invested early on. When she jumped on you and kissed you she might have been genuinely moved or touched by your sincerity, but after the moment it still doesn't change her overall feeling for you. Have u seen the movie the vow? You can be perfect for each other but it's all about timing. When his wife lost her memory and forgot that she loves him, the more he loved her the more he pushed her away. It wasn't until a yr later when they met again they were able to start over on similar footing. Finally I say to take what she says at face value because like you said you don't cut someone off simply coz ur not ready, you would express concern n work on it together. But she stopped talking to you it could only mean she doesn't feel strong enough bout you. I'm sorry Thanks for your input. Like I said before, I typically move slow. But moving slow in the past caused problems for me..so I guess I pressured myself. I guess in return..I scared her. Which I wasn't trying to pressure her. I would like to at least try clear with air. "Hey sorry..I wasn't trying to pressure you...I figured you were comfortable." Part of me thinks..the damage was done..move on..my mind..my heart tells me..give her more space then try to talk to her. From a woman's stand point..who has been through this..do you believe it's worth giving her a little space for now then offering to start over?
lil_missy Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Thanks for your input. Like I said before, I typically move slow. But moving slow in the past caused problems for me..so I guess I pressured myself. I guess in return..I scared her. Which I wasn't trying to pressure her. I would like to at least try clear with air. "Hey sorry..I wasn't trying to pressure you...I figured you were comfortable." Part of me thinks..the damage was done..move on..my mind..my heart tells me..give her more space then try to talk to her. From a woman's stand point..who has been through this..do you believe it's worth giving her a little space for now then offering to start over? Don't offer to start over don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong. Your best bet is to pull back and let her come to you. Let her see u with other girls.you treated her well so hopefully she misses you, theres not much else u can do.
lil_missy Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I reread your post and noticed a few things First u made a move on her on the fourth date I don't think that's too early, she would know by then if she wants to have sex with u. So def don't feel bad about pressuring her. I think it's very strange she offered her number to you and while it could be much more but 8 is not a small number n I would def not offer that to a guy. Then she was surprised ur number was only 8?? What was she expecting? 100? Again strange reaction. Finally u asked her permission to have sex when ur already in bed? That's completely unnecessary. I would have expected u to take me. In conclusion I think she initially thought u were a player type that would give her good sex. She wasn't looking for a relationship . But later she realised u actually like her plus you prob didn't take charge the way she would have liked. Hence the result.
Author Halen1988 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 I reread your post and noticed a few things First u made a move on her on the fourth date I don't think that's too early, she would know by then if she wants to have sex with u. So def don't feel bad about pressuring her. I think it's very strange she offered her number to you and while it could be much more but 8 is not a small number n I would def not offer that to a guy. Then she was surprised ur number was only 8?? What was she expecting? 100? Again strange reaction. Finally u asked her permission to have sex when ur already in bed? That's completely unnecessary. I would have expected u to take me. In conclusion I think she initially thought u were a player type that would give her good sex. She wasn't looking for a relationship . But later she realised u actually like her plus you prob didn't take charge the way she would have liked. Hence the result. The numbers deal was brought up kinda' mutually. It's a long story. But she said she liked to get to know guys before doing that. Which I understood. Which is why I felt bad for asking a second time around. But I could definitely tell she wanted to...just by the way we were making out. But as far as being a "player"..I get that a lot from women because I'm really attractive. Once they find out I'm a gentleman and real..they run away..like this, haha. It's really hard to say what's going through her head.
lil_missy Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 The numbers deal was brought up kinda' mutually. It's a long story. But she said she liked to get to know guys before doing that. Which I understood. Which is why I felt bad for asking a second time around. But I could definitely tell she wanted to...just by the way we were making out. But as far as being a "player"..I get that a lot from women because I'm really attractive. Once they find out I'm a gentleman and real..they run away..like this, haha. It's really hard to say what's going through her head. lol..i can totally related to this im always attracted to players and bad boys, there was one guy i dated he slept with so many girls i just wanted to "tame" him i guess but i never did. the guy im dating now when i first met him i thought he was such a bad ass and i was totally drawn in his bad attitude. but after he confessed to me that he likes me, now he is a complete gentlemen and treats me like gold. and im a lil put off that he seems like a diff person to the one i initially liked. i considered breaking up with him but he is growing on me. so it sounds like the situation where girls find out the real you and run...i dont know why girls do this either? i dont even understand myself lol maybe the imagine ur projecting is not who you are and hence you attract the wrong type of girls?
smackie9 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I have dated guys for a month solid+ and all of a sudden I didn't feel it anymore. I think this being scared is just a way to pacify you and to let you down softly. She is just not that into you.....it happens, now get over it and move on.
Recommended Posts