unforgotten Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Hey guys. It's been almost 4 months post BU now, she's still dating the guy she left me for. I saw her again yesterday. It's been a while, maybe a month or more since I saw her. We were in a local fitness together just the two of us. She said she hasn't seen me for a while and asked me if I got a job and told me some funny stuff that has happened. I had my guard up and didn't ask her any questions plus I acted kind of cold, didn't want to smile too much or anything. I'm not relaxed around her at all mainly because I think if I'd be all cool about it I'd just get emotionally involved again plus I am not ok with what she did, why would I act cool about it then. She acts all friendly like nothing was or is wrong between us but I can't act that way at all. She still cares for me I know that but apparently not enough to be with me. Another girl came into fitness later on and I started chatting with her instead. When my ex left she'd look me straight into the eyes and said goodbye. She did the same the previous time we saw each other. I ****ing hate it so much. When I got home it was 6 PM and I felt like ****. I went straight into bed, had some dreams about her and woke up feeling like ****. I'm so sad because of what our relationship has turned into. You'll say I'm an idiot but I felt kind of like a crap for treating her the way I did all cold and everything. Once lovers and now not even friends anymore. We could be the best friends probably but I can't not after what she did. I'm not even mad at her or holding a grudge. I'm simply disappointed so much. This is all so strange. Edited February 12, 2015 by unforgotten 1
NopeNah Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Tell her not to talk to you..simple as that. 5
cerridwen Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 It's ok to have passing feelings of regret. Just don't dwell there. How you were treated in the relationship matters just as much as how you treated her. You know what I'm going to need you to do, right? New fitness center time. 2
Author unforgotten Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Tell her not to talk to you..simple as that. I have thought about that as well. Still thinking about it but I just can't do it. Not only will I look like a douche, I think that would break my heart even more. Even after all she did there will probably always be a place in my heart reserved just for her. I hate it. It's ok to have passing feelings of regret. Just don't dwell there. How you were treated in the relationship matters just as much as how you treated her. I don't dwell anymore. I am talking about how I treat her now. She's friendly and I'm just the opposite. I treat her like a distant friend I don't really like too much. It hurts me that I act so distant and cold to the person that was not so long ago going to be my future wife. And new fitness is not an option. I don't see her a lot, maybe once a month but when I do I want to know how to be around her and how to be cool about everything. My heart still rushed a bit when I saw her. :/ Edited February 12, 2015 by unforgotten
FancyFace Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Until you have healed the best thing to do is to avoid her at all costs and you have various options. a) Stop going to the fitness centre and find a new place. b) Change the times you go so you don't run into her. c) tell her to eff off. d) greet her with simple hellos and then move away from her, don't engage with her at all. You have so many options my friend. You aren't a victim in this, it's up to you to take the reigns back in your life but it will only happen if you do what's right by you. Good luck. 4
lauri Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I have thought about that as well. Still thinking about it but I just can't do it. Not only will I look like a douche, I think that would break my heart even more. Even after all she did there will probably always be a place in my heart reserved just for her. I hate it. I don't dwell anymore. I am talking about how I treat her now. She's friendly and I'm just the opposite. I treat her like a distant friend I don't really like too much. It hurts me that I act so distant and cold to the person that was not so long ago going to be my future wife. And new fitness is not an option. I don't see her a lot, maybe once a month but when I do I want to know how to be around her and how to be cool about everything. My heart still rushed a bit when I saw her. :/ She's just talking to you for her benefit. If you two communicate and talk, in her mind she thinks you don't hate her. This is an ego boost. Means that she is such a beautiful, amazing girl and that she can do nothing wrong and you're proving it to her! You've only relieved her guilt of branch swinging to another guy and having him in the background while you two were together..she used you as a safety net as she tested out things with the new guy. Now that you're cold to her and distant, she is more intrigued by you (because you don't seem needy / appear like you don't care about what she thinks). My suggestion is give her the complete cold shoulder next time and don't even respond. If she wants to tell you something funny, you tell her you're not interested. I cannot stand how some girls just pretend nothing happened and completely act like they didn't damage you at all...its all for them and zero about you. Remember man, you're not good enough for her. Spend your energy and time on girls that find you worthwhile. 5
Satu Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 She wouldn't have got more than a nod out of me. Probably not even that. 2
Author unforgotten Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thanks! I do avoid her at all cost but still bump into her from time to time. I think I'm not acting or responding in a wrong way, it's more how I feel about it that bothers me. Well maybe it was good then I approached the other girl and talk to her. I was relaxed with her and we laughed. My ex must have clearly seen I was totally different with her or she's blind. Yes I'm not needy or desperate anymore and I act like I don't care. That is kind of true. I don't really care what she's up to or what she's doing that's why I haven't asked her a single thing.
Author unforgotten Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Oh and by the way I don't seek for contact with her at all. When we were still together we were going together in the mornings. She was actually always complaining if we'd go too late. Now I switched to afternoon hours. I go around 3-4 PM. It happened two times now that she was there the same time as I was. It's like she has to come and check up on me once a month. Grrr. I hope I'll have a new gf with me the next time she sees me.
Zahara Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I think I'm not acting or responding in a wrong way, it's more how I feel about it that bothers me. Of course it bothers you because you are still emotionally attached to her. You're still analyzing and affected by her. She doesn't think contact is an issue because she is indifferent. So to her it's just two people talking at the gym but to you it's an ex that hurt you, that left you scarred. In her mind, you talking to her means all is well and she's in your good books. If I were you, I would have ignored her or told her that you would prefer not to have any contact. 2
Satu Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Oh and by the way I don't seek for contact with her at all. When we were still together we were going together in the mornings. She was actually always complaining if we'd go too late. Now I switched to afternoon hours. I go around 3-4 PM. It happened two times now that she was there the same time as I was. *It's like she has to come and check up on me once a month. Grrr. I hope I'll have a new gf with me the next time she sees me. *You could save yourself from this by going no contact. The residual connection that you are allowing is not good for you. QED. 2
Chi townD Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Oh and by the way I don't seek for contact with her at all. When we were still together we were going together in the mornings. She was actually always complaining if we'd go too late. Now I switched to afternoon hours. I go around 3-4 PM. It happened two times now that she was there the same time as I was. It's like she has to come and check up on me once a month. Grrr. I hope I'll have a new gf with me the next time she sees me. Nah dude. Work on you. Don't worry about other girls, that comes with time. And plus, that wouldn't be fair to the girl you would be dating. I think it would suck to put her in an awkward situation like that. But, You sound like you are definitely healing! I suspect two months ago, if you would have ran into her like that, you would be a wreck. This knocked you back a peg or two, but you're definitely not at square one! Keep working it dude! 2
Kinetica84 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Hey guys. It's been almost 4 months post BU now, she's still dating the guy she left me for. I saw her again yesterday. It's been a while, maybe a month or more since I saw her. We were in a local fitness together just the two of us. She said she hasn't seen me for a while and asked me if I got a job and told me some funny stuff that has happened. I had my guard up and didn't ask her any questions plus I acted kind of cold, didn't want to smile too much or anything. I'm not relaxed around her at all mainly because I think if I'd be all cool about it I'd just get emotionally involved again plus I am not ok with what she did, why would I act cool about it then. She acts all friendly like nothing was or is wrong between us but I can't act that way at all. She still cares for me I know that but apparently not enough to be with me. Another girl came into fitness later on and I started chatting with her instead. When my ex left she'd look me straight into the eyes and said goodbye. She did the same the previous time we saw each other. I ****ing hate it so much. When I got home it was 6 PM and I felt like ****. I went straight into bed, had some dreams about her and woke up feeling like ****. I'm so sad because of what our relationship has turned into. You'll say I'm an idiot but I felt kind of like a crap for treating her the way I did all cold and everything. Once lovers and now not even friends anymore. We could be the best friends probably but I can't not after what she did. I'm not even mad at her or holding a grudge. I'm simply disappointed so much. This is all so strange. I'm assuming she cheated? Just say to her "i am sorry i don't talk to scum" then walk away lol 1
Author unforgotten Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Thanks everyone for you replies. @Chi TownD yes man, I'm definitely healing. I'm a whole lot better than a couple of months ago. There is no comparison! I'm actually quite OK. I guess you're absolutely right about the new GF thing. I'm not even looking now. I'm all about me, focusing on different aspects of my life. I'm not there yet but one day I hope I'll be. Well here's the thing. We were alone in the gym today again. She came after me. It didn't even bother me today. I mean, I'd be better off if she didn't come but I survived easily and it hasn't set me back this time around. I guess I just had a bad day the other day. She has asked me a couple of questions again and wanted to be friendly. My attitude was the same as the other day. Cold. I'd answer but short and wouldn't ask her anything back. I mean it was really obvious that she wanted to talk to me. When we were quiet for a while she asked me a stupid question like "can I ask you something. why does my foot hurt when I do this exercise". I was like, well I don't know, it doesn't hurt me when I do it. When I finished with exercises I went to change my clothes into the locker room and she'd come in after a few minutes. She could have waited that I leave. Well when we inside she'd ask me something again. I've answered and than I said "why are you coming here at afternoon now?" She said she doesn't always come here at this time, that she goes in the mornings but sometimes she doesn't have the will to go in the mornings. Then I gave her the look and said like "that's funny since you were pain in the ass when we were still together if I didn't want to go in the mornings". She'd then laugh nervously for 10s or so. I just said bye and leave.
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Yeah dude. You might have to revamp your times going to the gym. Something is going on and she might be trying to get you into the friend zone. Or at least setting you up to be the back up plan. But, you can't get sucked in because I have a feeling that you're confused and having conflicting feelings on this situation.
mightycpa Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Write yourself up a good speech and give it to her the next time she tries to chat you up: Listen Matilda, I appreciate that you're making the effort to be friendly, but emotionally, this isn't as easy for me as it has been for you. I'm doing my best to rid myself of these lingering feelings, but seeing you and talking to you isn't helping me do that. It would be a real help if you'd just keep your distance from me for right now. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk to you. Then just turn around and go. Whatever you say doesn't have to be detailed, emotional or mean. You just have to say things in a way such that she'll stay away.
Author unforgotten Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Yeah dude. You might have to revamp your times going to the gym. Something is going on and she might be trying to get you into the friend zone. Or at least setting you up to be the back up plan. But, you can't get sucked in because I have a feeling that you're confused and having conflicting feelings on this situation. I think I was subtle but at the same time clear enough today about what I feel about her coming there the same time as I do. If this will continue I'll be more direct. I'll be nobodies plan B. I am strong enough and confident enough now and also got my dignity back so she won't be able to suck me in whatever she's doing. Just out of curiosity... When you say she'd want to set me up as a plan B....I've read so many similar stories here when chicks do that to their exes. Do you think they do it intentionally or subconsciously. If they do it intentionally that is just plain sick.
JS84 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Stop talking to her. If she tries to initiate contact just tell her you need to focus on your work out or you don't have time to chat. She most likely just wants to be friendly to alleviate her guilt so she doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. Her logic is "If we can get along, then everything about our situation and how I handled it is okay". Every time you engage her, I don't care how "cold" you think are, you're just feeding into that. Just stop. Edited February 17, 2015 by JS84
seminoles84 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I listen to music in the gym and rarely talk to anyone.. I'm pretty focused. Do you listen to music and she still tries and talks to you? 1
Author unforgotten Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 I think the same. Something is definitely going on. But it is funny how she only spoke to me for the last 2 times she saw me. Before we saw each other like 3 times or so and we were just ignoring each other and didn't even say a word. Anyways, I think she got the clue now. Maybe she's checking out if I'm still on the leash. I know one thing though. I've learned through the LS forum not to question these things since they can drive you mad. Who cares what she says.
frigginlost Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I guess I'm just an arse... I ran into my ex yesterday at a local store. She held in her hand a 6 pack of beer that I know the guy she cheated on me with drinks. I know they are still together. She walked up to me like everything was absolutely normal between us with a friendly "Hello!" "How are you!" ... I blinked, waited 3 seconds, and said "get the f*ck away from me". Felt really, really, good. I'm a typical "nice guy" so hearing that from me, absolutely floored her. Felt good to get some of my dignity back that I had lost... Edited February 17, 2015 by frigginlost 2
Author unforgotten Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Good for you! I thought about doing that as well but I guess that's just not me. Plus when I thought about it, don't you think that will just make her feel "good thing I got rid of him". Well, in the end it doesn't really matter what she thinks. She chose her path and she'll suffer the consequences whatever they'll be.
frigginlost Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Good for you! I thought about doing that as well but I guess that's just not me. Plus when I thought about it, don't you think that will just make her feel "good thing I got rid of him". Well, in the end it doesn't really matter what she thinks. She chose her path and she'll suffer the consequences whatever they'll be. It's a two prong approach the way I saw it: a) It let her know that what and who she thinks she is, is far from the truth and that in "reality" she's a selfish person. and b) If she thought "good thing I got rid of him", it proves "a)" Don't get me wrong, I'm still devastated that she is no longer part of my life... but, I am slowly reaching the point that her actions will not have any control of it. What I did to reclaim some dignity, helped. 2
Author unforgotten Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I listen to music in the gym and rarely talk to anyone.. I'm pretty focused. Do you listen to music and she still tries and talks to you? No, I don't have the headphones on. That's actually a pretty solid idea. I went for a walk with my buddy yesterday and saw her by the way when she was headed for the fitness around 6 PM. I guess she got the clue now. I thought all of this didn't effect me now but it did. Every time I see her she crawls back into my mind. It's not as tough as it once was but it's no fairy tale either. The anxiety and feelings of pointlessness reappear. I can't believe I'm still not indifferent towards her after 4 months. When I didn't saw her or anything for a month or so it was a huge progress and I more or less stopped thinking about her but this was a step back. I don't worry since it wasn't a huge one but I'm scared this will continue. I'll pick myself back up, another month of NC will pass and then I'll see her somewhere again. I'm not even talking about the fitness here. The misfortunes of a small town. This is unavoidable unless if I move away but that is unachievable at the moment. There's a kind, kind of cute and mature girl showing interest in me and I'm just not there yet. I don't see myself with anyone unless with the girl my ex once was, my dream girl or if I'd really fell for someone.
NopeNah Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I guess I'm just an arse... I ran into my ex yesterday at a local store. She held in her hand a 6 pack of beer that I know the guy she cheated on me with drinks. I know they are still together. She walked up to me like everything was absolutely normal between us with a friendly "Hello!" "How are you!" ... I blinked, waited 3 seconds, and said "get the f*ck away from me". Felt really, really, good. I'm a typical "nice guy" so hearing that from me, absolutely floored her. Felt good to get some of my dignity back that I had lost... Haha AWESOME!
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